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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think they won't give him full custody?

35 replies

marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:16

Sorry. Not a TAAT but something someone said on a previous thread has scared me.

I've been denying my ex contact to our 5 month old son as he was emotionally abusive, I don't want contact with him personally and our son is ebf. I live over an hour from him and I don't trust him with our son as he has anger management issues. Admitted.

He's taking me to court and he can see him after he's gone down that route and it's safe.

Someone on my last thread said that there are loads of cases of women doing this and their ex being awarded full custody. Is this true? Am I really risking this? I'm freaked out now.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 08/05/2019 18:19

Yes he will get contact if you deny that he will get custody if you want a baby all to yourself use donor sperm doing it this way guarantees a dick involved

octonoughtcake3 · 08/05/2019 18:20

I can’t see how it’s in the best interests of your ebf baby to be removed from it’s primary carer and the courts do what is in the best interests of your child. I imagine the courts will allow him to see his child though.

nauseous5000 · 08/05/2019 18:20

It's unlikely that he would get full, but half is probably the end goal, but given DSs age this would be built up to gradually, esp given the EBF and distance, but you need to be seen to be flexible or face a slap on the wrist

Justbreathing · 08/05/2019 18:21

@slipperywhensparticus
Charming

Andoffwegoagain · 08/05/2019 18:23

It's extremely unlikely he would get full custody. Basically there would have to be a massive backstory involving social services. However him being an arse won't stop him from getting contact. Contact will be proportionate to the age of the child. He probably wouldn't get overnights until the baby is older. For example you could argue that the WHO says to breastfeed until 2yrs. However he will get overnight custody eventually.

iolaus · 08/05/2019 18:23

Suggesting supervised contact would make more sense in your situation

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:23

I'm not saying he can't have any contact. I'm saying that he has anger management, our son is not safe around him and that he has to go through court to get access as there is nobody to facilitate contact.

This is someone who shouted at his child when he was crying and very lightly shook him whilst getting angry. I genuinely worry about the safety of my son with him.

if you want a baby all to yourself use donor sperm doing it this way guarantees a dick involved
How is that helpful?

OP posts:
Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:26

him being an arse won't stop him from getting contact.

Is that what coercive control is seen as? Someone being an arse

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/05/2019 18:27

Have you sought advice from children's services or cafcass? This will look proactive and show you have genuine safety concerns when it comes to court. Also did you report any of the abuse? A paper trail is useful as it is likely he will say you're withholding contact for no good reason

ghostyslovesheets · 08/05/2019 18:28

but have you got proof of his behaviour? Did you call the police when he shook his baby?

I do not doubt for a moment that you have concerns but you can't just refuse access and then expect the court to believe he is abusive because you say he is - you need evidence.

Social services can facilitate contact - have you discussed your concerns?

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:28

@ZippyBungleandGeorge can you just call cafcass to get advice? I spoke to social services who told me they'd do the same if they were me and felt I was doing the safest thing, but that was after the case was closed and not on record. He was being nice.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/05/2019 18:29

Even a domestic abuse conviction won't stop him having supervised contact, I know that from a professional perspective. I worked with I've man who broke his 14 year old son's noise but was allowed supervised contact

PinkHeartLovesCake · 08/05/2019 18:29

He absolutely will get contact, his the father like it not. You had a baby with so your stuck with him for life now

Will he get custody, Not unless your a drug addict, alcoholic and all round crap Mother. It’s very rare for a child to be given to the father in custody cases

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:29

@ghostyslovesheets I've spoken to the police and my case was heard at MARAC. He didn't actually shake him, it was very light. More out of frustration so no crime was committed.

OP posts:
Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:32

He absolutely will get contact, his the father like it not. You had a baby with so your stuck with him for life now

I know this. I'm not saying I never want him to have contact. I'm saying I can't facilitate it because of his abuse towards me and if he wants to do it through a contact centre he needs to arrange it. I'm just not willing to facilitate it myself.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 08/05/2019 18:33

My son's dad has done a number of fairly awful things and he still has contact. The bar is disappointingly low.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 08/05/2019 18:38

I’ve known residence be changed from mother to father in circumstances where the mother was openly hostile to contact - completely ignored any court order, even with a penal notice attached.

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:39

@MooseBeTimeForSnow I'm not hostile to contact though, I just think it needs to be supervised, and not by me.

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 08/05/2019 18:40

Hell get supervised contact probably. Then another decesion will need to be made after a period of going to the contact centre. Hopefully hell lose interest op.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 08/05/2019 18:43

Sorry. I’m not suggesting you are hostile. As far as I’m aware it is very rare for residence to be switched like that. You have very valid concerns which need investigating by the court.

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:44

Ah ok. Sorry it's so hard being in this situation and knowing I'm just trying to protect my son and make things are done right, whilst also being scared about how things will go...

OP posts:
smartiecake · 08/05/2019 18:51

I have not been in your situation but my sister has this year although her child is older and at primary school. Her ex took her to court. He got every other weekend. Thats it. They had an initial hearing in court. Could not agree and then it was referred to a section 7 which is when Cafcass got involved. Her Ex was all about coercive control.
Your ex will not get custody and certainly not to an ebf baby. Please try not to worry. Flowers

Herland · 08/05/2019 18:54

You should expect for him to get contact. Possibly supervised. The rule of thumb where I am for little babies is "little and often"- so this might be two days for an hour each time or something like that.
But once a relationship has been established the contact will grow.

Pp are right that the abuse will, quite rightly, only be taken into account if it has been evidenced in some way eg. Social services or police report, but as you say that neither found any reason to take any complaints further I wouldn't be surprised if it was disregarded in court.

It is easy to become very anxious when going through a court case so make sure you are taking care of yourself and seeking help if you need it.

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:55

but as you say that neither found any reason to take any complaints further

But the reason they didn't take it further is because I had separated from him and he has no access. They would have taken it further had I still been living with him.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 08/05/2019 18:58

Tell ex that you will happily use a contact centre

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