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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think they won't give him full custody?

35 replies

marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:16

Sorry. Not a TAAT but something someone said on a previous thread has scared me.

I've been denying my ex contact to our 5 month old son as he was emotionally abusive, I don't want contact with him personally and our son is ebf. I live over an hour from him and I don't trust him with our son as he has anger management issues. Admitted.

He's taking me to court and he can see him after he's gone down that route and it's safe.

Someone on my last thread said that there are loads of cases of women doing this and their ex being awarded full custody. Is this true? Am I really risking this? I'm freaked out now.

OP posts:
Paperlantern123 · 08/05/2019 19:16

Hi @marmiters - it sounds like you have genuine concerns about your son's safety with your ex, so it's understandable that you're not keen on him having unsupervised access. Courts do generally take the view though that a relationship with both parents is in the best interests of the child, and so were this case to come to court, they would be most likely to order access - supervised, moving to supported, moving to unsupported, over time. Has your ex suggested supervised contact at an contact centre? If not, could you suggest it? (Ideally in an email or text, so you have a record?) You don't want to look like you're being unreasonable and blocking access for no reason, so clearly setting out something like 'I would very much like you to have a relationship with DS, but I'm concerned about his safety in your care given x, y, z. For now, I can only support contact if it's supervised' would be a good idea. If he rejects that - fine, that's his look out. But at least you can show the court that you're acting out of a safeguarding concern, rather than being vindictive. Hope that helps x

Riversguidebook · 08/05/2019 19:18

You have to remember that posters dont have the correct answer for you.

They can only give their uninformed opinion, or their personal experience of a similar circumstance, which won’t contain the same variables as your situation.

Even posters claiming to be cafcass officers or similar (because if they are, they shouldn’t be compromising their professional integrity by commenting on a public forum on the subject).

My experience is that abusive absent fathers generally can’t be bothered to chase up custody. They use the threat to control your fear.
Like mine, he may not even want to pay the solicitor to start mediation proceedings or turn up to the first appointment even.

As soon as they realise access means a cut of their income towards child support, they back down too.

My children’s absent father had put me in A&E, punched me in the head, thrown me around the room, locked me out, yammed the baby into her chair, thrown a toaster sized rock at me whilst I was holding her and so on, but he’s still be entitled to access.

Keep a record of ebry communication you have with your ex partner, try and make sure it’s all in writing - emails or texts - so you have a ‘paper trail’ to refer back to.

Ultimately, it will be a year or more yet, so no immediate worry. The ‘little and often’ contact is manageable for you. You can be present whilst he’s with baby, in a supported or supervised environment.

Ensure you ALWAYS make plain in written communication to him that you encourage contact. It shows you are supporting the best interests of the child, even if you don’t actually think that’s correct.

Don’t volutarily put yourself in the system. He might just get bored eventually and not bother requesting access. If you start the ball rolling by instructing a mediator or solicitor, it’s out of your hands.

Curious1981 · 08/05/2019 19:21

Op in the space of a few posts you have contradicted yourself. In one post you say “lightly shaking” in the next that he “didn’t actually shake”.

My point is - that you have to be very careful to be absolutely clear in what you are accusing your ex of.

Curious1981 · 08/05/2019 19:23

“Very lightly shook him”
“Didn’t actually shake him”

Emily1091 · 08/05/2019 20:51

I read your previous post and you mentioned you have been advised by social services not to give unsupervised contact and I think if you have this in the social services report (you mentioned women’s aid and the rest of it) then you shouldn’t be at any risk of losing custody at all? You’ve said he abusive and can’t hold his temper - I assume social services know about the light shaking of your baby? I wouldn’t have thought any judge in the land would award full custody to your ex given what you’ve said and I would
Presume that full custody gets awards to the fathers if they have been a shining example of how a father should be as it would be the mother causing emotional harm stopping the kids seeing a man who is considered to be a good dad.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 08/05/2019 23:31

You’re drop feeding quite a lot.
If you’ve had women’s aid support and social services supporting your position then it’s perfectly reasonable to insist on supervised contact.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/05/2019 23:37

I worked with I've man who broke his 14 year old son's noise but was allowed supervised contact

With the same 14 year old? Presumably the 14 year old wanted the contact? Because everything I’ve heard suggests a child of that age would not be ordered to go to contact they didn’t want, their wishes would be taken into account by a judge.

Mummaofmytribe · 08/05/2019 23:39

My GC was hurt by its father as a small baby. Enough that I took it to hospital and police were called. V thankfully no lasting damage. SS were involved for 18 mths. Court initially allowed 1 hr supervised contact per week. This went on for 12 mths. Then father was allowed to see child 4 hrs a week with his family member present. Fast forward to age 3 and he now has access and I feel sick all the time but Court gave DD no choice over this because father had not done anything wrong under supervision (well he couldn't, could he?)
At no point did anyone suggest removing baby from its mother. She did right thing and ended relationship the second the injury was found. Police said things would've been different had she not taken that immediate protective step. SS involvement was very difficult for us. They were frankly awful.

GunpowderGelatine · 08/05/2019 23:45

Have people's reading comprehension levels suddenly dropped tonight? The OP has said she won't fight contact FFS so I don't know why people are saying "he WILL be given contact don't resist it" or "well YOU had his baby"Hmm Jesus some of you are completely embarrassing.

OP, courts act in favour and best interests of the child, which for a 5mo EBF baby will be to be with his mother. Be clear that he was abusive and that you do not want personal contact with him. Him getting full custody is extremely unlikely, unless you flout a court order or are very unfit mother (which you clearly not). He's using scare tactics to break you down. Don't let him get to you, you're strong and you can do this Thanks

2019user44 · 08/05/2019 23:46

OP go and see a lawyer. You've been to MARAC so there was clearly a level of professional concern. Get a free half hour from a family lawyer so specialising in private law children matters. You may be eligible for legal aid so ask about that too.

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