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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to date without involving the kids

34 replies

Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 17:39

I’ve been dating a man for three months and am a single mum (the kids dad isn’t around at all). I have little available childcare. The man I’m dating has a son aged six who he has in the week one night and every other weekend.

He doesn’t want to introduce anyone to his son for at least 18 months which I do understand but it puts me in a difficult position. I feel that I can’t have him round here in an evening or at weekends because I have my children around 24/7 so I’m limited to going out/going to his when I can get childcare which is working out really expensive. It would be so much easier to invite him round for food/film night than have to not see him until I can get a sitter. He gets grumpy that he doesn’t see me enough but I’m stuck. I don’t want us to be doing ‘family’ type things but I don’t see an issue with us coming over when each other’s kids are around and making sure we are toned down/not kissing in front of the kids.

I’m stuck in that I don’t want my kids meeting him if he’s adamant I can’t meet his son as it feels one sided. But letting him meet my kids would make life so much easier. I’m really torn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 17:48

He has limited childcare commitments so has a lot more free time than me. He doesn't see me at all when he has his son. He has introduced me to his brother and mum, it's just his child who he wants to protect.

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 08/05/2019 17:53

I used to have dates at mine after kids bedtime sometimes - they didn’t even know anyone else had been in the house! No staying over though. But fine for a chance to catch up and quite nice if you take the opportunity to dress up etc.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/05/2019 17:54

Three months is too soon to introduce s partner to your children. He actually sounds like a decent man

Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 17:56

Unfortunately one of my children has special needs so she's awake on and off. The other two are 11 and 12 so are around a lot in the evening and don't get to sleep til fairly late but aren't old enough to be left.

OP posts:
Figure8 · 08/05/2019 17:57

It is tough...
Why 18 months? Is it just a magical figure?

I realise this isn't constructive, but this seems yet another way that women get hammered. Many new couples are in the same situation with the woman being on her own, men being a part time parent, but then reluctant to integrate.

It's absolutely fine for him to look after his child, but at the same time, he's putting too much pressure on you, and it's unkind.

Is he prepared to make compromises?

Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 17:57

I don't know if it would be wrong for me to invite him here when my children are around or if I should have the same rule as him.

OP posts:
Figure8 · 08/05/2019 17:58

Actually, the after bed thing is a good idea. I'll feel in my indignation 😄

Figure8 · 08/05/2019 17:58
  • reel! Not feel!!!
RagingWhoreBag · 08/05/2019 17:59

So what happens if you stick it out for 18 months and then meet his DS who is a complete horror?!

Sounds ridiculous to me - unless you're both planning a very casual relationship long term, its important that you get on with each others' DCs. If not getting on with them will be a deal breaker (as it is always said on here that it should be) then you really want to find out before you invest a year and a half in this thing.

I get wanting to protect your DCs from a string of casual shags, but there's got to be a middle ground.

Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 18:00

He says he's happy to come here, happy to introduce me to his family and friends but not his son. This is because a previous relationship broke down. The 18 months is a rough figure by which point he would know if things were going to progress to living together /marriage

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 08/05/2019 18:00

I'd stick to his rule on principle, so that he can see that his 18 month idea is ridiculous. If you start allowing him into your DCs' lives but he won't reciprocate it will end up making you resentful of him.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/05/2019 18:01

Ignore whatever rule he has for his children. You need to do what is best for your children. 3 months is not what is best for them. It’s just convenient for you. You’re being impatient. This man mightn’t even remember your surname in 3 months. Please don’t introduce your children to him for convenience. Keep on as you have been, arrange childcare. Keep your dating life out of your children’s lives. If he whinges that he can’t see enough of you, remind him that he is dating a single parent.

RagingWhoreBag · 08/05/2019 18:01

But you may both feel like progressing things to living together and marriage, then your DCs meet, hate each other and its game over. Living together and marriage isn't something that the two of you can decide for everyone else.

theworldistoosmall · 08/05/2019 18:04

When they have gone to bed - i have a light meal with the dc’s and a meal later - either a takeaway or one of us cooks (he brings it made and just heat up)
Sleepovers
When they are in school.
Trusted teen sitter

Just some of the things I have done. Been seeing someone for about a year (casually until recently) and he’s never met my dc’s. My dc’s dad hasn’t been on the scene for around 10 years and no way was I putting my happiness/life on hold

theworldistoosmall · 08/05/2019 18:06

18 months isn’t ridiculous. There’s posts all the time from people who have jumped in with both feet very early and within months things have gone tits up. Not great for dc’s.

Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 18:08

The problem is that I can't see it progressing as it is because I can't have him here and I can't afford £30 plus in babysitting fees everytime I want to see him (that's before I pay for my share of the date). And it's even worse if I'm paying babysitting fees just to go round to his.

I understand his view. But I just don't know how to work around it. I don't live near family. Friends have their own kids/jobs etc and would be there in an emergency but not on a regular basis for dating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 18:14

I work during the school day as does he so that's out. My sen child needs experienced sitters. And sleepovers are a no go for her. So unsure of what to do.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 08/05/2019 18:17

I was having an ex round (obviously not an ex at the time), when my son was in bed, one night my son said “is the man coming?”, he was two, but had obviously heard his voice.

I find a strict time limit odd, it just needs to be when it’s suitable for the individual child, for some that’s longer than 18 months, for others it’s a lot less.

TacoLover · 08/05/2019 18:25

He is doing the right thing and putting his child first by not rushing things.

OhamIreally · 08/05/2019 18:25

This is why I don't date. I used to, but it became evident that paying babysitters was unsustainable to get to a stage where a relationship was established and I didn't want to compromise what I wanted for my DD so I'm making the best of being on my own. It's also more headspace than I can spare to nurture a relationship.

Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 19:49

I do really care for him but I don't know how to make enough time for him

OP posts:
Figure8 · 08/05/2019 20:12

Can he share in the babysitting costs?

Would the after bed dares work?

Figure8 · 08/05/2019 20:13
  • dates

Sigh

Original poster
Cutelittlebaba · 08/05/2019 21:17

Unfortunately after bed dates would be 9.30/10 pm which isn't good for early work starts

OP posts:
ANewDawn10 · 08/05/2019 21:24

He is being unfair and a bit selfish.
He expects you to wait and it works for him because he has load of free time, but gets upset about not seeing you enough even though he knows your situation is tough.
If he wanted to spend time with you that badly he would be more understanding and come up with some solution like contributing to babysitting costs or seeing you when you can. What does he expect you to do with your DC?