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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic abuse

26 replies

marmiters · 08/05/2019 15:34

I've just filed an injunction against my ex. It's a non-molestation order, and I'm hoping it means he can no longer contact my family members and cancel my son's appointments to mess with me. He was emotionally abusive and cruel to me.

He's not a nice person and was also abusive to his ex it seems.

So why do I feel sorry for him? I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate him, so much, but I feel gut wrenching guilt. It's like I've got the equivalent of Stockholm syndrome!

I'm also terrified of going to court and him being there. I don't know I can deal with seeing him.

Can anyone advise? Or talk some sense in to me?

OP posts:
TopShagger · 08/05/2019 15:37

Empathy is a normal human emotion, present in everyone bar psychopaths and sociopaths. Your torn, understandable so don't beat yourself up over it. And more importantly you've done the right thing by making sure he can't beat you up over it either.

What you did takes balls, pour yourself a glass of wine and give yourself a pat on the back.

LooUpdate · 08/05/2019 15:56

It's called a "trauma bond".

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 16:05

I just wish I could see and think clearly and see him for what he really is. I go from hating him to feeling dreadfully bad for him.

OP posts:
omione · 08/05/2019 16:35

Marmiters, you have done the right thing for both you and your child never ever forget that. Your EX is an adult who needs to act like one but sadly no doubt never will, you need to keep a detailed record of everything he says or does and never feel you cant call the Police, You have to protect yourself and your Son.This is the start of your new life, embrace it x

LooUpdate · 08/05/2019 16:36

Is he the father of your son?

I am in a similar situation. I have a non molestation order. My ex has a history of abusing women. I am in court in a few days to discuss child arrangements.

Do you have social services involvement?

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 16:57

Thanks all.

@LooUpdate he is yes. How are you getting on? How did you find the non molestation order stuff? I'm so anxious about it.

I've had contact with social services but they said that as I've left already and he's not seeing his son at the moment they're not worried there's a risk.

OP posts:
LooUpdate · 08/05/2019 17:30

Ahhh right. Has he chosen not to see him?

My son is on a child protection plan because his father has contact. The non mol serves it's purpose. As it has a power of arrest attached, he has been removed by the police once a few months ago. He hasn't stalked since. So in my case it's been a deterrent.

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 17:34

Well done for getting it all sorted.

No, I'm stopping him from seeing him at the moment. Though it's been advised I don't allow access right now because of his behaviour.

OP posts:
LooUpdate · 08/05/2019 17:44

I heard horror stories of mums denying access and then fathers go to court AND (here's the scary part) the courts grant the fathers full custody! Denying access looks like parental alienation, apparently.

Bigmango · 08/05/2019 17:45

It will pass. Honestly. Just need time.

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 17:46

@LooUpdate it's a bit different in my situation as my son is tiny and ebf

OP posts:
Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 17:47

I heard horror stories of mums denying access and then fathers go to court AND (here's the scary part) the courts grant the fathers full custody! Denying access looks like parental alienation, apparently.

I've been advised by social services not to give him access. I would actually be the one under scrutiny if I gave him unsupervised access as he's got anger management issues and can't hold his temper when my son is crying.

OP posts:
LooUpdate · 08/05/2019 17:51

My son was only 11 months and breastfed when we split. Do you have documentation proving what social services have advised? If you do, then you should be fine.

timetogetgoing · 08/05/2019 17:52

Have a look at www.littleshaman.org re narcissistic abuse. Despite apparent new agey title she really knows her stuff. It's informative and could be helpful for straightening out some of the confusion and understanding the damage caused by abuse Smile

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 17:53

No but my case was heard at MARAC. My solicitor has advised this too. As have women's aid who are working with me.

I doubt very much that a court is going to give my abusive ex full custody 5 month old who is breast fed? Confused

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 08/05/2019 17:56

First off, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.

Secondly, Stockholm syndrome can and does happen with domestic abuse. See also "trauma bonding".

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It really helped me feel less "crazy" for how the abuse/situation all made me feel. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

LooUpdate · 08/05/2019 17:57

Do you have any documents where it is advised you deny contact? There is a Facebook group that deals with family court issues in cases of domestic violence. That is where many women have reported to losing custody after denying access. The group is called "Mothers Unite UK-Domestic abuse/violence and child contact/family court/PAS".

HelloMonday · 08/05/2019 17:58

@Bigmango
It will pass. Honestly. Just need time.

I really hope so!

Periodically I feel so sad my husband (now seperated) couldnt just keep it together. So now he's missing out on his kids. They meant the world to him. (So why couldnt he be less of a dick). I think about taking him back and cant stand it. I think, maybe now he's seen the light (after being removed by police and sleeping on family members sofa for 7 months and missing out on his kids) and will just behave properly now, because he can see it's worth acting nicely.
But why would you have to learn that the hard way? Why could he be non-abusive to me, just because that's the normal default.

I really just have one remain question when he complains....what did you think would happen ffs??

You're not alone @OP

I dont think my kids will thank me if i dont stay strong tho.

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 17:59

@LooUpdate sorry but I think you're scaremongering a bit now.

OP posts:
Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:08

Thanks @HelloMonday and thanks for sharing. It's so hard isn't it SadThanks

OP posts:
Troels · 08/05/2019 18:45

marmiters, stay stong.
Is this the man who canceled the baby's cardiac appointment?
If so he doesn't deserve your pity.

Original poster
marmiters · 08/05/2019 18:46

Yes @Troels he is. I name change occasionally as don't like everything to be linked.

OP posts:
HelloMonday · 08/05/2019 20:04

Yes @marmiters, its so so hard. All of it. Every aspect. All the doubts.

Especially unpicking the lies.
I think he started to forget he was lying and now believes it as his own truth.

We were together 13 years. I'm only 31. So a big chunk of my time was with him.
Many many things occurred.
He punched me in the mouth on two seperate occasions. Split both times. The second requiring stitches at hospital. But he is so convinced it only happened once.
Surely that would he enough to wash my hands off him?! (The physical violence but especially the mind-fkery denials) I should never look back.
But i do look back towards him.

Its a weird confusion, not sure anyone who hasnt gonw through it would truly understand the nuances.

You've got my full well wishes @OP

LooUpdate · 08/05/2019 21:25

I'm trying to protect you but whatevs.

Loveudaughter · 20/07/2020 18:10

If you are entering the Family Law process in UK watch this link. They are switching residence of children to the abusers to protect themselves, prolong cases and make money. They are not protecting children. This is happening in the UK NOW in 2020. Tell everyone you know. Forward the link:

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Family+Court+Crisis+-+Our+Children+at+Risk&ru=%2fvideos%2fsearch%3fq%3dFamily%2bCourt%2bCrisis%2b-%2bOur%2bChildren%2bat%2bRisk%26go%3dSearch%26qs%3dds%26form%3dQBVDMH&view=detail&mid=BA6D170519B1C376B8B6BA6D170519B1C376B8B6&&FORM=VDRVSR

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