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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would IBU to not call back

78 replies

ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 12:00

I have a dear friend of 50 years. She and her DH are not well off but are not struggling. Their mortgage is paid off and he has said he could afford to retire early. Her DH is notoriously tight (but that’s a whole other thread)! More recently my friend calls my mobile and before saying anything else, asks me to call her straight back which I do, she then proceeds to chat for an hour! The other day she was at my house. Her DH called my mobile asked me to call him straight back which I did, then without even asking how I was or making some brief small talk asked to speak to my friend. I passed the phone to her and they had a brief chat. When they’d finished I asked why he had called my phone instead of hers and she said it was because I have unlimited minutes on my phone and they both have Payg phones. I haven’t said anything yet as it’s true I do have unlimited minutes so it doesn’t really cost me anything above my normal tariff, but am I right in thinking this is a bit cheeky?. Should I say something or just call them back?

OP posts:
Zakana · 08/05/2019 15:31

CF x 2 me thinks, but if you have lots of free minutes then it’s down to how much you value your relationship with them as to whether you tell them they have been awarded CF of the week lol. And my MIL drop calls us and we have to call her back, she lives in Cyprus ffs, we have to pay the extra per month to call the old witch lol! Good luck whichever way you decide to proceed with it.

AhNowTed · 08/05/2019 15:41

Her life sounds fucking miserable.

I just could not be doing with that level of miser.

Ok for the hour long convo, but to use you for a quick chat between them is utterly ridiculous

DameFanny · 08/05/2019 16:21

OP, how do you think she'd react if you told her straight out that her H's behaviour isn't normal, and she doesn't have to put up with it?

WeeDangerousSpike · 08/05/2019 16:38

He sounds financially abusive.

Is she allowed to have the heating on if he's not there, or is that too expensive too?

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 17:31

@weedangerousspike No she isn’t! It’s a standing joke that I bring extra layers with me to her house! It’s a freezing old house even in the summer. However when he’s at home at weekends or days off the heating is on be cause he’s cold! He’s unreal!

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 17:42

@DameFanny, I have told her as kindly as I can that the way he treats her is abusive and that I would not accept that treatment but sadly she defends him saying he works hard and doesn’t earn a lot. She gets a bit offended when I use the term abusive! He has got a temper on him which unnerves her so she won’t stand up to him! I think she’s in denial because she can’t change the situation. She has no access to money apart from what he gives her. Its sad really.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 08/05/2019 17:49

Can you encourage her to get some work? Maybe start by volunteering in a charity shop for experience? I may be off the mark, but I'm picturing her as prematurely old-biddie, so maybe getting her out of the (freezing) house without him would be a good place to start?

Chickenwing · 08/05/2019 17:59

Tell her you've switched to PAYG as you realised it's cheaper. (Obv dont actually do this.) Its v cheeky regardless if its costing you or not.

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 18:03

@DameFanny, you are so spot on, she is like an old biddie! She has been a SAHM for so many years she has absolutely no confidence. I think he has also had a lot to do with that too. This a partly the reason she needs to talk AT me for so long I think. I have suggested she get a part time job but she doesn’t think she’s capable as she has no skills. I keep on pushing her and am hoping one day she will! I will continue to support her but I think I will turn my phone off when she’s here so he can’t call my phone!

OP posts:
DameFanny · 08/05/2019 18:07

Charity shop or hospital volunteering then might give her some confidence? Because if you're, what, 55? That's a long time to stay an isolated biddy :-(

fedup21 · 08/05/2019 18:07

eg, we get a taxi and they get out and leave us to pay etc

I would say something. Every single time.

In fact, it wouldn’t have happened more than twice because I wouldn’t have got a cab with them again. They don’t sound very nice tbh.

BlackPrism · 08/05/2019 18:29

Meh I wouldn't care if it didn't cost me

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 19:48

we have to pay the extra per month to call the old witch lol!

😂😂😂

OP posts:
Deelish75 · 08/05/2019 20:02

He sounds horrible! You say she dropped some friends when she was ill, do you think there’s more to it, he put you in an awkward situation regarding the petrol money I’m wandering if he’s done similar with her other friends and then they didn’t think he was doing enough for her, so to keep the peace she dropped them?
I’m glad she is well now but if the cancer was to come back who would run her to the hospital if you are four hours away?

Chloemol · 08/05/2019 20:18

Sorry I would now say the phone is limited minutes and not let then use it. This type of thing winds me up, it’s their choice to use their minutes if it’s urgent, if not it can wait

OliviaBenson · 08/05/2019 21:41

Sounds like she's in an abusive relationship so if you do start pushing back I bet her H would start saying she can't call you etc etc.

Tricky one.

specterlitt · 09/05/2019 00:34

Um to be fair, back when unlimited minutes became a thing, I would often tell friends and family to hang up and that I would call them back as it would not cost me anything. It's not unreasonable to do this, most friends and family do do it. I even remember back in the day when calls would be free after 7pm and we would wait until then to talk to friends etc.

Even to this date, if my mum calls me or a friend I know that is on PAYG I say hang up I will call you back as it's no extra cost to me and is the decent thing to do.

fedup21 · 09/05/2019 06:59

It’s the assumption that the OP will just do it though. Without being asked, without her suggesting it.

Reading the updates though-it’s not just the phone calls-this man sounds extremely tight other areas.

Eslteacher06 · 09/05/2019 08:34

But the difference @specterlitt is that you offered, not that it was expected of you without discussing it first.

What @fedup21 said.

BuzzPeakWankBobbly · 09/05/2019 19:55

It's not a lot different to how lots of people used to till 7pm for the free landline calls to kick in. Or how my mum would call and hang up for me to call her back,when I had some ridiculous mobile deal with free calls.

Why waste money when there is a free option?

(Although quite rude for the husband to use you as switchboard for a chat with his wife)

Decormad38 · 09/05/2019 20:00

Just keep pretending to take a call whenever he rings. They will soon get the message!

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 09/05/2019 22:49

@fedup2.... exactly it. It’s a matter of courtesy. I would have just appreciated a ‘would you be able to call me back as you have unlimited minutes please’ that’s all. Personally I wouldn’t ask as I would feel cheeky. I would just hope they would offer to CMB and if not I would just make it a quick call. Of course she is my friend and I would call her back if it was going to be a long call (which it usually is lol). I’m much more reluctant to do so for her DH though as he has form for being a CF!

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 09/05/2019 22:53

when she arrives, turn your phone OFF Flowers

StCharlotte · 09/05/2019 22:58

Why doesn't she turn the router back on?

Chocmallows · 09/05/2019 22:59

He sounds a controlling Scrooge and it has worn off on her. The not paying towards taxis and automatically assuming they can use your phone minutes is embarrassing. It is common courtesy to offer to share costs!

It doesn't sound like either are interested in changing and you cannot change them. You can change yourself though - spend less time with them!

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