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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would IBU to not call back

78 replies

ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 12:00

I have a dear friend of 50 years. She and her DH are not well off but are not struggling. Their mortgage is paid off and he has said he could afford to retire early. Her DH is notoriously tight (but that’s a whole other thread)! More recently my friend calls my mobile and before saying anything else, asks me to call her straight back which I do, she then proceeds to chat for an hour! The other day she was at my house. Her DH called my mobile asked me to call him straight back which I did, then without even asking how I was or making some brief small talk asked to speak to my friend. I passed the phone to her and they had a brief chat. When they’d finished I asked why he had called my phone instead of hers and she said it was because I have unlimited minutes on my phone and they both have Payg phones. I haven’t said anything yet as it’s true I do have unlimited minutes so it doesn’t really cost me anything above my normal tariff, but am I right in thinking this is a bit cheeky?. Should I say something or just call them back?

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 08/05/2019 12:46

I seem to be swimming against the tide, but I think that's really cheeky, costing you anything or not.

It's the fact that she doesn't ask, and that her DH does it too.

ScatteredMama82 · 08/05/2019 12:46

If you're at home whey don't you activate wifi calling? Then you're not using any minutes....

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 12:47

Yes, it's a bit tight and a bit silly, but they are clearly bothered by the cost of calls, and it doesn't cost you anything... so if they are good friends, maybe let this go.

I have the same with my parents - it makes them less anxious to do it, without any real impact on my life, so what the hell. Life's too short to sweat small stuff and create imaginary dramas over nothing.

viques · 08/05/2019 12:49

I pay £7.00 a month for unlimited calls and texts and quite a lot of data, [because when I ask them nicely they bump it up] admittedly I don't download masses of stuff on my phone as I use my iPad for downloads at home or if I am away but I use google, google maps, news sites, a few games, a radio app etc etc on my phone .

I think your friends need to look around and find a better deal. Tell them to try Tesco mobile!

Acis · 08/05/2019 12:58

They're saving themselves the cost of a sensible phone contract by taking advantage of the fact that other people have paid out for theirs. OP, in your shoes I wouldn't call back unless you actually want to speak to them, and even then I'd keep the calls short. I certainly wouldn't allow my phone to be used for a long conversation with someone else.

DameFanny · 08/05/2019 12:58

So two things - if no one's even saying 'is this a good time for a chat?' then that's very rude, off they fuck. Secondly, talking for an hour - were you stuck listening or was it a two-way conversation you wanted to be involved in?

And yes, point them at Giffgaff or somewhere - for a monthly bundle of call minutes and data - and let them pay for their own choices

JemSynergy · 08/05/2019 12:59

I have an uncle who always does this. Doesn't bother me at all, I have unlimited data.

Eslteacher06 · 08/05/2019 13:03

They should have asked before they started that milarky! It's the assumption that's cheeky. On principle, I wouldn't ring back. Depends on how much it bothers you.

Outanabout · 08/05/2019 13:07

I do this for a sister, but wouldnt for anyone else. FFS, you can get a PAYG phone that gives you 10,000 minutes and hundreds of texts for less than £10 a month. They must not be topping up at all, and using that facility that's meant for when you run out of credit. Ignore all messages in future, they're really CFs

pancaketosser · 08/05/2019 13:08

I think the first case, actually chatting to your friend, is fine and wouldn't bother me. Her DH using your phone to chat to his wife would piss me off a bit though.

Outanabout · 08/05/2019 13:09

Like viques, I use Tesco mobile but hesitated to advertise it Grin

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 13:28

They both have the most basic phones, not smartphones so can’t do VOIP calls. Their landline is on the most basic tariff so they have to pay for calls on that too. I very rarely if ever use standard phone calls as I use the various VOIP apps, except at their house as Her DH keeps their WiFi router switched off while he’s at work to save electricity! Then I have to use my data or make standard calls. I suppose I would like to have been asked upfront if I would be happy to call back rather than the assumption that I’m ‘better off than them so can afford it’. She isn’t in employment and he has a bit of history for this type of cheek, eg, we get a taxi and they get out and leave us to pay etc. I feel sorry for her, I think she does get a bit embarrassed by his tightness! He regularly makes little comments about us being well off! We’re not, we’re just average and have worked hard for what we have. My DH thinks he is a CF!

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 08/05/2019 13:38

Don't just blame the husband when your friend is also choosing to take the piss out of you.
She could have paid towards the taxi herself even if her husband didn't put his hand in his pocket.
She chose to stay with him all these years and she chose to rely on his income.

She can easily go buy a sim plan that will give her free minutes - i pay £5 a month and never use up all my free minutes or texts.

Have you told your 'friend' that both her and her husband are cheeky fuckers and pisstakers?

bridgetreilly · 08/05/2019 13:42

I don't think it would have been cheeky of her to ask, since she knows you have unlimited minutes, but it's really weird to do it like that without any explanation.

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 13:45

@DameFanny. Lol, one hour is a quick call with this friend. It is pretty much always a one sided call. She LOVES to talk. No she doesn’t ask if its convenient. It’s strange because I always ask people when I call if it’s a good time to talks first. I have bought myself a set of bluetooth headphones so I can get on with stuff while she talks AT me. I just say uh huh every now and then!

OP posts:
PixieBigShoes · 08/05/2019 13:53

Is he generous in other ways though? Is he saving the pennies but spending the pounds? Being frugal with the little things then taking you out for meals and holidays?

Deelish75 · 08/05/2019 13:57

Your friendship does sound very one-sided. What do you get out of it?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/05/2019 14:16

The length of call is what would annoy me. The call may be ‘free’, but that’s time you can’t use your phone, or when someone YOU actually want to speak to can’t get through.

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 14:29

@deelish, I think our friendship has become more one sided over time. We went to the same infant school and have remained close ever since. She was very ill with cancer 2 years ago and has become more clingy. She seems to have dropped a lot of other friends since then so I guess the calls have become more frequent and intense. She is back to full health now and doctors have told her there are no signs of cancer although she won’t get the all clear until 5 years! I think this has had a huge affect on her so is probably part of the reason I have let the phone issue go and tend to just listen (although to be fair she has always been a talker!) As an aside, we Are moving 4 hours away very soon to a pretty remote area where the phone signal is very poor. I’m not sure how that will pan out as we will probably rely more on WiFi calls then!

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/05/2019 14:35

Tell her she can use WhatsApp to call you through the WiFi.

Next time they do it, say what cheeky buggers they are! I would call them back but it is cheeky, especially to just presume you’re ok with it.

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 14:47

@pixiebigshoes No, he is not a generous person in anyway. During her cancer treatment which lasted 18 months in all, He never took a single day off apart from booking annual leave for her breast removal OP because he wouldn’t get paid!!! I travelled the hour to pick her up, take her to her appointments, sometimes, 3 times a week then home again. She once asked if I wanted petrol money but before I could say anything, he jumped in with ‘of course she doesn’t want petrol money! She’s your friend!’ I could write a whole other thread about him tbh!

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 08/05/2019 14:55

If your moving then its a good opportunity to tell them that the phone call thing cant go on like it is. They are sponging off you OP especially with the taxi as well. Its not fair that you are subsidizing them.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/05/2019 15:03

It's cheeky of him. She's your friend. He isn't.

Original poster
ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 15:11

@scattered, I do use WiFi calls myself but she doesn’t. She only has a basic, ie not smartphone, plus her DH switches the router off until he wants to use it! Confused

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 08/05/2019 15:28

You sound a very kindhearted person OP,your friend should have made sure you were paid petrol money for all the hospital visits. Not let her husband speak for her. at the end of the day it was really for him to do all this transporting or for her to get taxi/ arrange hospital transport.
She is shafting you, think about your boundaries and what you want to happen going forward. You cant have these people benefitting hundreds of pounds off your generosity.