AIBU to ask how I’ve offended my friend

[Anon0987]

I’ve NC for this as obviously outing.

A close friend had fertility treatment a couple of years ago. She’s been very open about it with friends and family - for instance posted on FB saying she’s glad the NHS funds fertility treatment and has said on lots of occasions to friends how grateful she is to have been able to access treatment.

So the other day a group of us were having lunch and friend was saying she felt really guilty for missing a mutual friend’s 30th birthday party recently because she was ill. I said I was sure mutual friend would understand and also pointed out that she had organised a hen do for this friend while in the middle of having IVF so it’s not like she doesn’t go out of her way to do nice things for friends.

My friend didn’t say anything at the time but she later said she was really upset that I’d referred to IVF. The friends we were with know she had fertility treatment but I hadn’t realised that my friend had only told a few people that it was specifically IVF and she was upset that I’d said IVF instead of fertility treatment.

I don’t really want to raise it again as I think it might upset her, but I was wondering if anyone can suggest why it would have been so upsetting to my friend that I said this. I honestly didn’t mean to be insensitive, I just didn’t really understand that she might be happy for people to know she has fertility treatment but not that it was IVF.

She’s a lovely person and we’re really good friends so I’m certain she’s not being unreasonable to have been upset but I’m just struggling to understand why this was such a big issue. Sorry if that makes me totally insensitive, would really appreciate hearing people’s ideas on this. And obviously I have learned my lesson and will be more careful about how I talk about this in future.

I would be as baffled as you. I do not have an in depth knowledge of fertility treatment so to me fertility treatment = IVF although I am aware there are other types. I think once you've explained to your friend that you really meant no harm by it and you are sorry if you upset her then I think there is nothing else you can do and it's her issue really.

Interesting. I’m so unknowledgable that I would have interpreted “IVF” as an umbrella term for all fertility treatment. Wouldn’t be able to name off hand any types of fertility treatment beyond IVF.

Not sure that I would have referenced any treatment in the circumstances described though. Has she calmed down now?

It's probably just a sensitive subject. Her telling people is her in control, somebody else saying something isn't. It may have caught her off guard reminding her of tense and difficult times. Was it a success? If not I suspect it was worse still
Give her some flowers and tell her you're sorry you upset her and give her a hug 💜

I've had fertility treatment. My thoughts may be that ivf is a last chance saloon type deal, as you have clomid tablets, injectable and IUI procedures as front line treatments. Perhaps she feels that her chances are running low, perhaps she has had some negative forecasts on her egg reserves or quality etc. I'm just throwing assumptions out here of course but fertility treatment messes with your mind in more ways than one. I was using injectables daily and the mood swings and temperament changes and sensitivity was incredible

There are more ethical issues around IVF (because it involves embryos) than other fertility treatments so perhaps if she is from a religious/cultural background where IVF could be seen as problematic, or is with friends who are, she might not want to talk about it?

The same as TitusP for me. I didn't know there was a difference although I know very little about it. Anyway just give her a bit of time, it's probably not so much to do with you but with the stress of it all.

*pressed post too soon. Too summarise, telling people that it's ivf she's getting maybe makes her feel labelled as an almost lost cause or is telling people just how much her body needs to be coerced and helped medically to do something that most people don't even have to think about

I honestly have no idea why IVF would be more sensitive than fertility treatment. To be honest, I kind of assume that many people use those synonymously, even though I know there are other forms of fertility treatment out there.

I get why she wouldn't want either of those issues brought up, though. The feelings associated with fertility treatment can persist for a very long time, particularly if the treatment hasn't been successful. I can totally understand someone saying "Ouch, I really didn't want to think about that tonight - I'm out celebrating something happy".

Iif she's a lovely person generally and a good friend, I would buy her a big bunch of flowers and write her a 'sorry' note and just avoid the whole subject in future.

Many people who haven’t experienced fertility treatments wouldn’t know the difference and probably think IVF is a blanket term. YANBU at all, she is being hypersensitive

This is a guess, I'd say your friend has for her own reasons lied to some people about her treatment, hence doesn't want to be outed, my aunt by marriage did something like this, which is why I mention it, it was known they had issues were TTC, were starting treatment and she was to take a specific drug to help egg production, my aunt was much younger than my uncle (and they said she was anxious to conceive so he wasn't a really old dad) and she said she had fertility issues caused by fibroids, that she went to have the larger fibroids removed we knew she was in X hospital, and miracle happened on day of op they did pregnancy test and she was pregnant.

However at time I was seeing a doctor privately for a difficult pregnancy , different hospital, my aunt was seeing a different doc in that place but same waiting room area, and had had four IVF attempts. Some info she admitted to me as she bumped into me too many times, but told me she didn't want her family knowing she was spending her money on this. Other information I came to know about through other sources and wont state fully here as its very private both but donor sperm was being used for some ivf attempts and this was not something they wished people to know.

Everyone's story is different maybe they have some family or someone against ivf ( or getting it free on nhs) and hence she just wants to gloss over it. You don't need to apologise again you didn't know it was an issue so you wont do it again.

Like you I would have assumed if she was open about her fertility treatment that she was also fine to discuss the fact she had IVF. That said I'd just take it as a lesson learned that for some reason she's private about that particular aspect and not mention it again.

Hmm, I would be confused by this too. To me 'fertility treatment' = IVF. Everyone I know who has had fertility treatment has had IVF, although I appreciate there are other kinds. If you are open about your fertility treatment I think you have to be aware a lot of people - those of us not in the know - will assume you mean IVF. You have apologised to your friend - hopefully you can just move on now.

Your friend sounds a bit high maintenance to be honest.

You're not insensitive. Your friend is hypersensitive. You didn't do anything wrong. Everyone knew anyway and the context in which is was mentioned was totally fine.

I'm with a previous poster ie that she has not told some people the truth. I've had IVF - my husband was not keen on people knowing we had fertility treatment in general but I don't think it made a difference...there is not a lot of different 'fertility' treatment options. I can only think of IVF (and ICSI being part of this), artifical insemination (sperm issues), or clomid type treatments (egg issues) - its not like there is much else to choose from...why she cared whether people knew about IVF is only up to her. Suspect you might want to apologise to clear the air though..and maybe she will tell you why.

I understand you don't want to bring this up again, but I think that asking her would help you understand her better, even for any other similar situations.

Presumably, you have apologised. Did you not mention you didn't realise the difference? Did she say anything about it?

I had fertility treatment (not IVF) and am completely relaxed about people knowing. Because I'm quite open about it, quite often people confide in me that they've also had fertility treatment (usually something more extreme than me eg IVF) but I quickly learnt that while they didn't mind telling me, they didn't want anyone else to know. And if others did know, they would be vague with the details. However, I've never been able to ask any of these women why they feel that way as the doors just shut down. My sense is that they often can't express it themselves, it just feels private and like an intrusion to discuss/be open about it.

I think this is one you chalk up to experience. Apologise and say you had no idea that she didn't want people know it was IVF as you've always admired how open she was about fertility treatment. Then assure here that you will be more discreet in future.

I would have thought that someone who publically referred to themselves as having fertility treatment would be taking about IVF, as I don’t think people taking say Clomid tablets would feel the need to really make a big deal out of it, whereas IVF is a pretty invasive process so I can see why someone would mention this publically and seek support from their friends/family. Maybe it is something like they had to use donor eggs and she doesn’t want anyone to know and is worried that if the term IVF is mentioned then people might start to wonder if she did use donor eggs? That’s just a guess though. I do think she is being a bit over sensitive but as a pp said infertility can mess with people’s heads, so in your position, I’d send her some chocolates or
flowers with a ‘sorry’ message, and never bring the subject up again unless she does.

Your friend is clearly very sensitive but you did nothing wrong. While she may know the finer details of the treatment, as other posters have said, to many of us fertility treatment and IVF are pretty interchangeable terms. It is a bit sad that your friends is feeling so sensitive but you meant no harm and hopefully she will understand that once she has a bit of time.

OT but I do wonder about the secrecy aspect and how helpful that is. I remember chatting to a mum (who I had never met before) while waiting for a swimming class who in the conversation mentioned that her daughter (or was it daughters?) were the result of IVF. She took the view that it was nothing to be ashamed of and that the girl(s) would also know as part of the backdrop to their lives. Similar to the way we now approach adoptions whereas in the past we told lies and kept secrets that were then devastating when unearthed.

I wish your friend success with the treatment and with realising that you (and the world in general) is not judging or concerned about what kind of treatment that is.

Sorry can I just add - there is a chance she has an incorrect perception that having IVF signals there is something wrong with the fertility of the female. She might be the one with fertilty issues and she thinks by you telling people she has had IVF this lets everyone know this. In reality, this is not true - we had IVF because my husband's sperm was so poorly they did not think IUI would work.

Either you tell people confidentially, and you TELL them it's confidential, or you're open and honest about it and accept that those you haven't told can and will find out, particularly if you mix friendship groups. There's not really a halfway house on this. She's being weird and controlling.

I would speak to her. You genuinely didn't mean to upset her, these things fester if they dont get discussed.

Did you not notice at the time she had never specifically mentioned IVF publicly?

I think ultimately it’s her private medical information so she has every right to control how much she tells people.

I think you made a mistake, so should apologize for outing her. It doesn’t matter what her reasons are.

I do think some people have complex feelings over fertility treatment. I know a close friend almost felt like it was a failure on her part to need help. She had less invasive treatment (I think she took a drug called chlomid or something) which worked but she was dreading having to have IVF she kind of felt taking a drug was OK but IVF meant she was faulty. She didn't want ay of her husband's family knowing as she thought it kind of made her a bad wife and that they'd think he should have married someone better. She's normally a rational person so I was very surprised she had such strong feelings.

I've had 4 years of different types of fertility treatments before I started ivf. I don't get the problem tbh but you obviously hit a nerve somewhere. As stated upthread, people tend to only know ivf anyway.