AIBU to ask how I’ve offended my friend

[Anon0987]

I’ve NC for this as obviously outing.

A close friend had fertility treatment a couple of years ago. She’s been very open about it with friends and family - for instance posted on FB saying she’s glad the NHS funds fertility treatment and has said on lots of occasions to friends how grateful she is to have been able to access treatment.

So the other day a group of us were having lunch and friend was saying she felt really guilty for missing a mutual friend’s 30th birthday party recently because she was ill. I said I was sure mutual friend would understand and also pointed out that she had organised a hen do for this friend while in the middle of having IVF so it’s not like she doesn’t go out of her way to do nice things for friends.

My friend didn’t say anything at the time but she later said she was really upset that I’d referred to IVF. The friends we were with know she had fertility treatment but I hadn’t realised that my friend had only told a few people that it was specifically IVF and she was upset that I’d said IVF instead of fertility treatment.

I don’t really want to raise it again as I think it might upset her, but I was wondering if anyone can suggest why it would have been so upsetting to my friend that I said this. I honestly didn’t mean to be insensitive, I just didn’t really understand that she might be happy for people to know she has fertility treatment but not that it was IVF.

She’s a lovely person and we’re really good friends so I’m certain she’s not being unreasonable to have been upset but I’m just struggling to understand why this was such a big issue. Sorry if that makes me totally insensitive, would really appreciate hearing people’s ideas on this. And obviously I have learned my lesson and will be more careful about how I talk about this in future.

You did nothing wrong op. She can't pick and choose when she wants to discuss it and what details are off limits after being so open previously. If she wanted a secret she should have said so.

I think it depends on whether the ivf successful or not - does she have a child now, OP?

I agree with a pp that it may also have touched a nerve you bringing it up out of nowhere, in the middle of a nice night out.

I had 5 rounds of ivf to conceive my DD and even now when it gets brought up I often think ‘I don’t want to think about that now!’

In the same way, I wouldn’t mention someone’s divorce or bereavement during a completely unrelated conversation, particularly in the middle of a nice dinner.

I don't think you've done anything wrong given she's been plastering it all over Facebook tbh.

I really agree with other posters that she may have worried people would see IVF as a sign that she had ‘worse’ fertility problems. I think it might be even more likely that she was trying to protect her partner - many men feel very unfairly stigmatised by having a very low sperm count.

Another possibility is that IVF on the NHS is very controversial. She might worry people would think/say something unkind like ‘[Anon’s] friend had IVF on the NHS and I couldn’t get ....’

Hope you both resolve this and that your friend’s treatment is successful.

You've done nothing wrong. She's being oversensitive and finicky.
She just didn't like you being so specific (IVF), even though you were using it the general sense, as PPs have said.
Such a waste of energy to get upset over this shit.

You definitely haven't done anything wrong. I think only someone going through fertility treatment themselves would have the in-depth knowledge to know there's a difference between IVF and fertility treatment. She is being over sensitive but if she's at a difficult point in her life she may not realise and it may not be intentional.
I would talk to her and explain that you haven't intentionally meant to hurt her or betray her trust.

I don't think you can speculate. You need to ask her gently how you upset her and apologise. Whether or not she is being reasonable doesn't matter, she's your friend, you inadvertently upset her and you want to fix it.

As a stab in the dark, and knowing nothing about IVF, I would guess that she doesn't like the starkness of the term and probably used "fertility treatment" herself hoping that people might infer from that she was just having a few injections rather than having to go the whole nine yards and all that that implies.

There are lots of types of fertility treatment, but as others have said most people who have not been through it understand them or need to know. Even those of us going through it still use them interchangeably. I would rather tell people I have having IVF than 'fertility treatment' (and definitely would not get into ICSI).

Unless she is just very sensitive over it or has been having recent failed IVF that she has not told anyone about, the only reason I can think of is if she has lied/not told the full truth about her treatment.

I know someone who had donor insemination but told most people that she had IVF. Some people also have objections to IVF that they may not to other treatments options. Could it be that she has just 'covered it up' and needs you to not blow the story.

If not then no idea, especially if it was not secret treatment and she has been open about it publicly.

Thanks for all the replies. I feel like I understand a bit more now. Her treatment was successful and she has two DC. I would definitely not have mentioned it at all if she had gone through fertility treatment but not had DC.

I think it might be that she feels that she wants to control how much information she shares about her treatment so it was upsetting that I said something that she thought was private (even though that wasn’t my intention). I don’t think she’d have any ethical issues with IVF but I can imagine she might feel as though needing IVF is somehow further from “normal” than other treatments. (Sorry that’s very clumsily phrased, it’s obviously not what I think either!)

I did apologise to her immediately she told me she was upset. I said I hadn’t realised that she had told only a few people that she had IVF so I had wrongly thought it was okay to mention it. When she left I gave her a hug and apologised again. She said it was okay but I could tell she seemed upset still.

I don’t really want to ask her about it as I worry it would upset her more. Think I may get her some flowers or chocolates and say again how sorry I am, that I’m really glad she felt she could trust me when she needed someone to talk to about her IVF and that I feel awful that I then inadvertently told people about something she wanted to be kept private.

She’s a really lovely person and I honestly don’t think she would have reacted like this unless it was something that really means a lot to her. Hopefully a little gift and apology from me will mean she can tell me more about why she didn’t want to tell people about the IVF if she wants to talk about it, or if she wants to just leave it in the past we can do that.

Sounds like she's not upset with you, OP, just upset with the situation. You sound like a lovely caring friend. I'm sure she appreciates that.