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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sex if i’m not in the mood?

44 replies

Tuzz · 08/05/2019 09:51

For lots of complex life reasons and a recent health scare haven’t really felt like having sex. My DP Made a suggestive comment the other night and I said no and that I just wanted a hug. He didn’t want that so he went sleep. He woke up in a grump. Barely spoke to me and then a few days later told me that I should have just had sex as it was clearly what he wanted/needed. Do you do it when your partner needs it? Doesn’t it make it a bit like a service? AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 08/05/2019 09:55

No, I don't. Sometimes I initiate when I think the poor bugger must be missing it and I soon get in the mood because he loves to get me excited.

Shoxfordian · 08/05/2019 09:56

Dump him
The days where society expected you to lie back and think of england are thankfully over. His attitude is disgusting.

Lozz22 · 08/05/2019 09:56

My ex husband would have just forced himself inside me regardless of whether or not I wanted to do anything

Dyrne · 08/05/2019 09:57

Absolutely not. I’ve refused sex before because of such petty reasons as i’d had a big plate of pasta and felt too full; let alone your situation of health issues!

Coerced sex is rape; and you have every right to say no. I’m Sorry your “D”P is treating you like this. It’s one thing having a proper sit down chat about the general lack of sex life and what you can both do to work towards getting that spark back; it’s quite enough getting in a huff because you haven’t opened your legs to him.

Butchyrestingface · 08/05/2019 10:02

He sounds luverly. Does he have a brother?

Seriously, is he this much of a twat in other respects too? It’s hard to believe he confines it to just this one area.

Hope things are otherwise on the mend for you. Flowers

Original poster
Tuzz · 08/05/2019 10:05

Thanks. I was tired from a 3hr drive and full from a curry, petty reasons I know. But I now feel like I am being punished for saying no. We tried to have a discussion about the low frequency of sex. I know we’re in a bad patch it bothers me too but we can’t have a reasonable discussion about anything at the moment.

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 08/05/2019 10:08

It doesn't matter what your reason was, you have the right to refuse sex at any time

Original poster
Tuzz · 08/05/2019 10:09

Butchyrestingface he’s very mentally unwell and in pain. Self medicates with 3 bottles a night. I am soooo tired of holding things together for our kids. Keeping routine going etc but my well of compassion has run dry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuzz · 08/05/2019 10:10

This behaviour feels like the last straw.

OP posts:
wordsmithsforever · 08/05/2019 10:12

Lozz22 That is rape Flowers so sorry you went through that

Happynow001 · 08/05/2019 10:21

@Lozz22
My ex husband would have just forced himself inside me regardless of whether or not I wanted to do anything
I'm so sorry - there's a name for that and it's not good. I'm glad he's an Ex.

@Tuzz

Barely spoke to me and then a few days later told me that I should have just had sex as it was clearly what he wanted/needed.
Does your partner think he's bought you? Slavery is illegal in most parts of the world I believe - as well as immoral. I'm not sure I'd want to share my life with some who thinks like this. I wonder if he thinks you are inferior to him.

Happynow001 · 08/05/2019 10:22

Sorry Lozz. Highlight/Bold fail.

BlueGlassesFrames · 08/05/2019 10:30

His issues are his own, he has no right to coerce and bully you into sex because of how he's feeling.
I'm sorry you're going through this, do you have family nearby or someone you can go to for help?

Harebel · 08/05/2019 10:35

YANBU and neither should you or anyone be expected to have sex just because your partner says they "need" it.

outvoid · 08/05/2019 10:36

YANBU. I do always feel for people stuck in a sexless (or mostly sexless) relationship when they really want sex. It must be incredibly hurtful to be rejected but obviously nobody should have sex unless they actually want to.

wheresmymojo · 08/05/2019 11:27

The simple answer is YANBU. The fact that he would be happy to coerce you into having sex when you don't want to makes me feel a bit nauseous.

Would you want to have sex with him if you knew he wasn't into it, didn't want to do it but was just laying there and going along with it because you wanted to or to avoid you sulking about it? That's basically the level of respect your H is showing you at the moment Envy(not envy)

I can see why this feels like the last straw if he's self medicating with 3 bottles a day.

What is he self medicating for? Why hasn't he been able to resolve the issue in a different way?

Does he accept that he's an alcoholic? Do you?

Yabbers · 08/05/2019 12:04

Self medicates with 3 bottles a night
Of what?

RozHuntleysStump · 08/05/2019 12:06

They're not petty reasons. You don't need any particular reason. I couldn't live with that behaviour. It would also wither away any remaining desire I had.

JacquesHammer · 08/05/2019 12:09

Those aren’t petty reasons. You can say no for any reason or no reason.

He is, obviously hugely unreasonable.

Lozz Flowers

CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2019 12:11

Why/how could you feel sexually connected to someone who drinks that much and tries to bully you into sex?
At what point do you put yourself first?

CaptSkippy · 08/05/2019 12:24

He doesn´t get what he wants and acts grumpy?

No wonder you're not in the mood. Childish behavior from grown men is extremely unattractive. Does he pull his weight around the house or is he basically another child you need to take care off?

And I second what other posters have said. You don't need reasons for not being in the mood.

HBStowe · 08/05/2019 12:26

You are never unreasonable to say no to sex for any reason at all, and your husband is a real bastard if he doesn’t accept that.

User199999999o9o999 · 08/05/2019 12:28

Yanbu, he's a manipulative sulky arsehole who thinks his wants trump yours.

Do you really want to try and work this bad patch out? It doesnt sound like he's worth it.

PrincessCessy · 08/05/2019 12:32

Tell him to go have a wank.

TiredSloth · 08/05/2019 12:40

Yanbu. No one should feel pressured into sex. I’m saying that as someone who has zero sex drive. Over the years it has disappeared and it has got to the point where I hate to be touched and sex repulses me. But I do it every 1-2 weeks because my dp of 10 years has a very high sex drive and he gets (understandably) grumpy and frustrated without it. But he never says I should have just done it because he wanted it.

I’d be concerned about the drinking also.