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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sex if i’m not in the mood?

44 replies

Tuzz · 08/05/2019 09:51

For lots of complex life reasons and a recent health scare haven’t really felt like having sex. My DP Made a suggestive comment the other night and I said no and that I just wanted a hug. He didn’t want that so he went sleep. He woke up in a grump. Barely spoke to me and then a few days later told me that I should have just had sex as it was clearly what he wanted/needed. Do you do it when your partner needs it? Doesn’t it make it a bit like a service? AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuzz · 08/05/2019 12:42

Yabbers 3 bottles of wine. He can’t seem to resolve the issues he has. He has had lots of therapy in the past and has it now. It doesn’t seem to make a difference. We both have discussed therapy is unlikely to work while he drinks so much. He can’t stop. And no he doesn’t help at all around the house or with the children. He says I take over but has said he doesn’t/can’t do the drudgery of house work/boring child care. This makes him sound completely awful. He wasn’t like this when we met. It has been a slow decline.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuzz · 08/05/2019 12:45

And now i’m am beginning to feel stuck. I gave up my job to look after the children. The youngest is still a year off going to school. He’s been signed off work because he can’t work. I have slipped from partner to carer. He has become very over weight and doesn’t maintain good personal hygiene. He is so ill.... but

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2019 12:46

You don't have to stay

TiredSloth · 08/05/2019 12:48

Oh Tuzz that sounds awful. I assumed you meant 3 bottles of lager or something, 3 bottles of wine is A LOT. He is an alcoholic. Are you happy? How old are you dc? They must be seeing him drink?

ImNotNigel · 08/05/2019 12:48

Please go to al anon. It really helped my sister when she was living with an alcoholic.

Original poster
Tuzz · 08/05/2019 12:59

No not happy anymore. I hard to admit that but really this version of family life is shit. I keep feel guilty for not being better at understanding this. If he had a broken leg he couldn’t care for the kids or help in the house, do dishes or anything. I’d do it and probably wouldn’t feel cross about being the only one doing it. Carers are supposed to be generous and compassionate not angry.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 08/05/2019 13:03

Carers are supposed to be generous and compassionate not angry.
Who says? You might ACT generous and compassionate whilst you do what you need to, but still be unhappy, angry and screaming inside.

wheresmymojo · 08/05/2019 13:10

Why is he self medicating rather than being on actual medication?

Does he take any medication for his (I'm guessing?) depression?

TiredSloth · 08/05/2019 13:12

If he had a broken leg he couldn’t care for the kids or help in the house, do dishes or anything. I’d do it and probably wouldn’t feel cross about being the only one doing it.

Yes but the difference would be that he would be working towards getting himself well again to resume family life. Mental health problems can be debilitating (personal experience) but self medicating with alcohol and completely checking out from any family responsibilities is not fair on anyone. You and your dc deserve better.

LarryGreysonsDoor · 08/05/2019 13:12

You don’t need any reason.
No is no.

Justbreathing · 08/05/2019 13:15

Three bottles of wine is a major problem.

Original poster
Tuzz · 08/05/2019 13:16

He is not on any medication. He has been prescribed it and even collected the prescription but has never taken any. He think it is stupid to take meds for depression/anxiety.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2019 13:30

You don't have to live like this.

chitofftheshovel · 08/05/2019 14:21

It sounds to me like you need to make an ultimatum. He cuts back on the booze, which he'll probably have to do slowly and perhaps with the help of his gp, and starts to take his meds or he finds somewhere else to live. Wine is a depressant and can't be helping him.

ImNotNigel · 08/05/2019 14:23

It’s not fair on your kids to force them to live with an alcoholic. You and he have chosen to live like this but they haven’t .

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/05/2019 14:35

He think it is stupid to take meds for depression/anxiety.

The he won't ever get better and he will spend the rest of his life mired in his depression and dragging those around him down, too.

OP this is an awful situation, and you have nothing but my sympathy. But you need to focus on you and the DC from this point. Your DP is not your child, nor is he your responsibility. If he was working on himself, aiming to help himself, you'd be able to work together to build a better family life. As it is you're drowning in his unhappiness and he's standing on your head as you go under. Stop putting him first, please.

Absofuckinglutely · 08/05/2019 14:58

3 bottles of wine a DAY?? That's seriously awful. I'm also amazed he can even perform sexually (I realise that's not the point). You were quite right to turn him down, and his attitude is disgusting.

So, at this point he can't work and provide for his family because he chooses (and it is a choice) to continue to prioritise his addiction to alcohol over you and your children. Also over himself. He doesn't appear to be actively engaged in seeking help for his problems.

If i were you, I wouldn't be continuing to enable his current lifestyle. Either get him out, or make plans for leave yourself. At this point your children are your priority and you absolutely need to put their safety and wellbeing first. He has chosen his path, don't let him drag you down with him.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2019 15:27

If he had a broken leg, refused to take pain meds, drank three bottles of wine a day, would you stick by him?

He isn't sticking by you. He's taking advantage of you.

Gth1234 · 08/05/2019 16:08

the correct approach for the man was "pull my plonker once if you fancy it, and 50 times if you don't."

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