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Original poster

To be cross that my husband never pays me a compliment?

32 replies

JustCallMeSliths · 07/05/2019 20:15

My husband never, literally never, says anything nice about how I look. He never criticises my appearance either. He just doesn't care. At most, if I badger him I'll get "it's alright" but even then it is mostly "dunno" (aka don't care) and a shrug. I don't badger him btw. That response is worse than no response.

A few weeks ago I was a bridesmaid and felt very self conscious about my dress. I actually asked him for a compliment because I felt awful and he just smirked. Today I have had a big hair change that is so different to anything I've had before that there is no way he wouldn't have noticed. He hasn't even acknowledged it.

I challenged him once and got some glib "you always look nice" lazy rubbish. Blatantly not true.

On the one hand, sod him, I don't need his affirmation but on the other hand, it would be nice to hear him say I look pretty sometimes, especially when he knows I'm feeling bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustCallMeSliths · 07/05/2019 20:16

He doesn't give me many compliments generally but if he does they tend to be things like "you were very resilient during that difficult time".

OP posts:
MustardBastard · 07/05/2019 20:24

Some blokes just aren't like that. Mine included.

user1473878824 · 07/05/2019 20:26

I get a “you look pretty” once in a while but it’s only ever when I have a face full of slap! Have you tried talking to him about it? Like literally sitting him down and saying “sometimes I need you to randomly tell me I look nice”. Do you compliment him?

Butchyrestingface · 07/05/2019 20:27

Do you compliment him about such things (or other things)?

If so, stop.

If not, well...

Singlenotsingle · 07/05/2019 20:28

Mine never says anything, but as long as he doesn't criticize, I don't mind.

blissfullyignorantorinpain · 07/05/2019 20:31

I think complements are very important. For me personally they are anyway. I have been thru a lot of changes and after having my son I look different my bodies different etc. It really helps my self esteem when my DH complements me which he does do often. Although I do still overall feel rubbish about my appearance now but it's still nice to hear.

Divebar · 07/05/2019 20:36

There’s a difference between someone who doesn’t really think about looks and compliments and doesn’t really consider the social cues about them, and someone who’s very aware and withholds them as a way of tormenting the other person. So he notices the haircut but chooses not to comment knowing that eventually you will ask “ so what do you think of my hair?” It’s like the friend who doesn’t acknowledge the large weight loss due to some dubious motivation.

XiCi · 07/05/2019 20:41

The way you describe him smirking at you when you asked how you looked in a bridesmaid dress makes him sound deeply unpleasant. It doesn't sound like he shows any interest in you at all. My DH compliments me all the time. I just thought that was the norm for people who love each other.

thedancingbear · 07/05/2019 21:10

Do you ever pay him compliments, OP?

Quintella · 07/05/2019 21:13

It sounds like he's purposely holding back compliments because he knows you 'need' them.

FuzzyLilac · 07/05/2019 21:16

DP has had a furry face for a week (working late then working at home a shave was last thing he thought about) when he shaved yesterday I told him how handsome he is. This morning when i was dressed for work he told me I looked gorgeous.
We dont make an effort to compliment each other but we both recognise its important.
Not because we need the ego boost but because it shows the other person is paying attention to you. That they notice you and your appearance still has an affect on them.

systems2 · 07/05/2019 21:20

A couple of people asked do you pay him complements...does no response mean you don’t or can’t be bothered replying to people trying to help you? Relationships evolve and so does our appearance both sides need to work at relationships or they can go stale very quickly.

Boom45 · 07/05/2019 21:22

My husband is the same. He used to compliment me, I've talked to him about it, i compliment him - nothing changes and it makes me desperately sad.

TacoLover · 07/05/2019 21:23

A couple of people asked do you pay him complements...does no response mean you don’t or can’t be bothered replying to people trying to help you?

No but it does make someone hypocritical to complain about never being complimented if they don't do the same for others.

Dumplingfan · 07/05/2019 22:42

My EXH stood up in front of a room of people on our wedding day and said I looked "quite nice..." A small part of me died inside and that memory plus his inability to ever pay any kind of sincere, spontaneous, compliment was one of many factors in our divorce 17 years later.

Original poster
JustCallMeSliths · 08/05/2019 19:57

@systems2 - a bit harsh. I don't spend all my time on here or checking my emails.

Yes I do compliment him. I get a response of "meh".

Yes, the smirking was unpleasant and was more upsetting than that stupid dress. I told him later how upset he made me and he didn't say much but it looked like it clicked.

He never apologises though so wouldn't verbalize that. We had a row once because he always qualified apologies eg "I'm sorry but...". He would not say a straight "I was wrong. I'm sorry". So now he just doesn't say sorry at all. Yes I do say sorry myself.

I don't ask for comments anymore. He hasn't mentioned the hair. He won't. I won't mention it to him either. I will not beg.

@Dumplingfan - that's the type of thing mine would say when he used to say nice things to me. He was never one for big compliments.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 08/05/2019 20:03

Some blokes just aren't like that. Mine included.

Mine too. I sometimes fantasise that I will walk downstairs and he will gasp and tell me I look beautiful........but I know it will never happen. It really upsets me sometimes, other times I just get on with it. I also get the lazy “well, you always look nice” trope trotted out when I challenge. I think how silly it is for me to feel sad about this - I don’t need his validation. But I will be honest and tell you it really does hurt. It’s such a simple, tiny thing but he cannot seem to achieve it.

Thankfully my children have cottoned on to how low it makes me feel and more than make up for it!

Dumplingfan · 08/05/2019 20:12

Mine also once told me that "people will be taking the piss out of you on our way to the bus stop" when I wore a highly unremarkable simple summer maxi dress he took offence to for a night out. Never forgot that.

Original poster
JustCallMeSliths · 08/05/2019 20:14

@CoraPirbright I'm sorry. :( But yes, my 7 year old gives lots of sincere compliments too. Well, things he thinks are compliments eg "Your hair looks like a crazy lion. I like it". 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
JustCallMeSliths · 08/05/2019 20:15

@Dumplingfan - what a horrible thing to say.

OP posts:
Pandaponda · 08/05/2019 20:54

Your hair looks like a crazy lion - love that! I think you are not unreasonable to expect your dh to compliment you and the smirking sounds unpleasant.

NCforpoo · 08/05/2019 21:05

Are you me?! We have exactly the same husband I think...
No compliments. Never apologises.
He's a nice guy but he doesn't see compliments as necessary. I get maybe one "you look nice" a year. It makes me a bit sad. I compliment him lots. When he looks good I tell him. I've told him that I need compliments but he says asking for them feels fake. I get that. Just would be nice if like Cora says he reacted sometimes!
I have no advice. But watching to see what people suggest.

goose1964 · 08/05/2019 21:24

Mine is just the same. When I asked him why he never comments he said men just don't see it as important.

Butchyrestingface · 08/05/2019 22:00

Yes I do compliment him. I get a response of "meh".

In that case, there appears to be something of the cunt about him.

At the absolute minimum, stop complimenting him.

Andromeida59 · 09/05/2019 06:56

My DP does, all the time. He is on the AS and his compliments are sometimes odd.
I was trying on some clothes I'd bought. One of them was a dress suit from the 60's.
When I asked him what he thought, he said "you look like you should have a dead president's brain splattered on you".