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Original poster

To ask for your positive break up stories when you don’t want to let go?

32 replies

hmga90 · 07/05/2019 17:16

Have NC for this. Have been gathering the strength to post this and think I’ve just got to bite the bullet and do it

Me and my on/off boyfriend of 6 years split up yesterday. I’m pretty sure this is really the end because I’m currently sat in a cafe opposite our flat while his mum packs up his belongings (100% trust her, she is lovely and just as devastated as I am)

I really am not ready to let go. I love him with whole entire heart and have fought and fought to be with him for the rest of my life. I am beyond devastated. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to move on from this and don’t really have anybody to support me- I don’t have a good relationship with my own family and while I do have a handful of friends I don’t want to bother them with this and there is only so long they can hold my hand for which is perfectly understandable

People have told me and told me he doesn’t deserve me, he belittles me, drops me and picks me up again when it’s convenient for him which is true- but I love him. He is my world

I’ve got no idea what I’m going to do. I couldn’t even face sleeping in the bedroom last night so spent the night crying sat between the kitchen floor and the bathroom being sick.

I just want the pain to stop. I know it’s time to call it a day because this just keeps happening but I can’t let go

OP posts:
Bezalelle · 07/05/2019 17:26

Think of how much better your life will be without this man who picks you up and drops you whenever it pleases him. Use this as an opportunity to build yourself up. You deserve better. Good luck! You'll be fine. In fact, you'll be even better than before.

bodgersmash · 07/05/2019 17:28

Just because it hurts doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. It sounds like you have a small support system and that's going to make it feel harder, of course. Do you have some friends you can go and spend some time with.

I'm just out of a 5 year relationship and I know how scary it is to navigate a brand new life. It's a cliche, but are there any sports clubs local to you that you could join? Beginners running clubs are great as you can chat to people whilst you're getting some exercise. The exercise will make you feel better and more confident in yourself and you can build up some new friendships too, with luck.

Try to take it one day at a time. Set yourself one small goal before bed each night to achieve the next day so you start to get a sense of achievement and build your self esteem.

If this man belittles you, you must know deep down that this is the right thing. It doesn't stop it hurting though. Bigger and better things will be waiting for you Thanks

33goingon64 · 07/05/2019 17:32

Baby steps. That's what my best friend said to me after my ling term break up and she was so right. Just take baby steps.

Original poster
hmga90 · 07/05/2019 17:41

I just don’t know what to do. My boss has told me to take the week off.

A friend is coming round for dinner later but I’m terrified for when he leaves and he’s a typical mans man so you can’t really talk to him about shit like this.

I just feel lost. Empty. Back in the flat now and it’s like he wasn’t even here, just removed from my life just like that.

I can’t stop crying

OP posts:
FitandMiss · 07/05/2019 17:42

I split with my STBEXH last summer after more than 15 yrs together. The period beforehand was very painful, I really didn't want to admit defeat having been holding things together for a long time, but as soon as he moved out it was like a fog cleared. Being with someone who belittles you and makes demands of you rather than being a partner is heavy going and for me the relief of not dealing with that anymore was massive.

I was scared of being a single parent and alone in my 40s, thought slightly melodramatically that I'd never find someone else but after a stint enjoying singledom I've met the most amazing guy and I'm happier than I've been in years.

If you haven't got a lot of support try Meet up for social groups near you. I found it great for getting out and meeting new people with similar interests.

For a while I made a conscious effort to note down some good things that had happened during each day, when things are tough it helps change your focus a bit and see the positives.

Original poster
hmga90 · 07/05/2019 17:48

This is the thing though @Fit there is no relief. Just mind numbing heartbreak and me staring at the door waiting for him to walk back through it. Which is impossible because his mum has left his key on the side.

I honestly don’t know if I can live through this

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:50

It’s only been 24 hours, don’t expect to feel normal for a while.
I thought my life was over after I split with the father of my kids...turned out that I got to see what a useless twat he was, and I was (and still am) much better off without him 13 years later.

LuckyAmy1986 · 07/05/2019 17:52

Just focus on getting through one hour at a time for now, even if you have to sit there mindlessly with on that you can’t even concentrate on. Eat and drink as much as you can even if you don’t feel like having anything. At some point the hour by hour will turn into a day into a week and so on. Time IS a healer. It’s going to hurt but you’ve just got to let yourself feel it. I know this sounds really silly but a song helped me through my heartache it’s called let it flow by Toni braxton and yes it makes you cry but you need to just let the tears come. It’s shit, a broken heart is so awful to deal with.

LuckyAmy1986 · 07/05/2019 17:52

Sorry I meant sit there with a film on x

NeatFreakMama · 07/05/2019 17:53

I felt this when an ex out of nowhere asked me to leave our home. I could tell he meant it and for him it was over. I was beyond devastated but I took a lot of comfort and pride that when he was out I packed and left the same day. Keeping my pride and just doing it really helped me. You must bee devastated I’m sorry.

weediva · 07/05/2019 17:54

I have no happy ending story or advice just a big virtual hug. I feel your pain as currently in tears as split from my wonderful bf on Saturday. Apart from him being so stressed about many many things I thought we were both really happy and never seen it coming. I am utterly heartbroken but know eventually I'll feel a bit stronger and so will you Thanks

FitandMiss · 07/05/2019 17:55

It'll come with time, and you'll survive this break up. Find things to distract you and fill your time with things you enjoy as best you can. This too will pass xx

HarrysOwl · 07/05/2019 17:57

When things finally ended with my ex I was convinced I had made the wrong choice. I felt sick, lost and like I'd never be happy again.

It took time but oh my God, he was a piece of shit! I can't believe I stayed with him for so long. He was abusive and I didn't see it.

I'm now very happily married to a wonderful man.

I promise, it gets better. You'll get through this and one day you will look back and feel relieved. Flowers

FireflyEden · 07/05/2019 17:59

You need to build your own self esteem up because it sounds like you need him in your life to make you, you. Please do not settle for a man who so clearly treat you like dirt, everyone can see it but you.
Read up on threads on here where they go No Contact for 30 days. Read up on The Script where I guarantee you will read some of this and think, he did do this to me.

Make a journal and resist the temptation of finding excuses to contact him, instead write this down in your journal, write down all the bad times, all the times he left you, everything you have not done in your life because of the sacrifices you made for him.

Write down a positive list of all the wonderful new things you would love to do, go out and do them.

Redecorate your flat and make it the way you want it, and do not cry for a lost cause. Go live your life your way and do not settle for second best. Thanks

HBStowe · 07/05/2019 17:59

All you have to do, for now, is survive. You just have to get through the next minute, then the next hour, then the next day.

Because it is going to get easier. You can’t feel that now, but the pain is going to become less, and you’re going to find yourself more open to joy. And eventually the scales are going to tip, and you’re going to realise that it doesn’t hurt any more, and you don’t miss him, and you aren’t sad about it.

You just need time Flowers

Asta19 · 07/05/2019 18:01

You have to tell yourself that the pain you feel now, is the worst it’s going to be. It won’t get worse, it can only get better. And it will. When my abusive ex left me I thought I might die from the pain! But over the weeks and months it just got smaller and smaller. Like you, I didn’t feel immediate relief, I felt like I’d lost everything. But I’m at the stage now where I can look back objectively and see that it had to end. I can also see how much happier I am now, how I am me again. I didn’t meet Mr wonderful. I’m still single. People always try to cheer up the heartbroken by saying how they met someone great. That may or may not happen. I’ve decided I’m happier alone. I’m also not going to say that the hurt of the whole saga has gone completely. I think I am still scarred by it. But it’s manageable and I don’t think about him often at all. As others have said, be kind to yourself and take it slow.

Mamabear12 · 07/05/2019 18:01

Let him go. Once you do you will be open to meeting someone else. Surround yourself with positive people. Try to keep busy. I remember after my first broken heart (actually my only break up, the next guy I married lol)...anyways it was awful. I couldn’t enjoy anything. I couldn’t read a book or even watch tv. I was so upset for a long time. The only thing that helped distract was being around others and become engaged in conversation or busy w activities. It took a year to heal, and then I met my dh. I’m so thankful I didn’t continue w my first bf. He is a commitment phobe, 10 years later he is not married and hasn’t really grown up.

One thing I wish I could change is that I wish I didn’t waste so much time feeling sad over him. I wasted an entire year being depressed! Move on and don’t look back.

DianaT1969 · 07/05/2019 18:05

Can you think back to the time before you met him? How did you survive then? You hadn't met him, but you lived. What did you do? Go out with friends, do any hobbies, throw yourself into your career? Were you at the gym a lot? Everyone you see walking around today has had breakups. It's a circle. You meet someone. It might last 2 months, 6 years or 20 years, but you carry on. You've got this if you dig deep and start doing things you enjoy in your free time. I think a week off work is a bad idea. Keep busy!

Justbreathing · 07/05/2019 18:09

It will get better I promise you.
It’s about the only thing I know. You’re not going to die. You will eventually be ok.
You’re raw. You can’t fight it.
One day at a time friend. That’s it. No magic pills. Nothing else. Just time
X

Henrysmycat · 07/05/2019 18:16

It nearly took me a year. I kept on repeating Dory “just keep swimming”, this too will pass.
I can honestly say, it’s for the best. This time, next year, you’d look back and agree with me.
You deserve better. Life is too short for a man that doesn’t love you and he won’t.
Think about it this way, you wasted years on him that you could spend on someone who loves you and respects you.
It’s been years now. I meet my husband about 18 months later. I’m happy as a clam. Can’t believe I was so heartbroken.
Take a day at a time.
Just keep swimming.

HomeMadeMadness · 07/05/2019 18:23

This is the worst time. In one year you'll be much happier than you ever were with him. Sometimes tempestuous on-off relationships can be fuelled a bit by the adrenalin of uncertainty. Once you're emotionally out of the relationship you'll be able to see more clearly and you'll be thankful.

I love the PP saying "just keep swimming just keep swimming".

Justbreathing · 07/05/2019 20:33

On off is the worst. If keeps you stuck.
A clean break is the best thing that could ever happen to you

Munchkingoat · 07/05/2019 20:41

Honestly when I split up with my ex it took ages to get over him - about two years. I knew he wasn't good for me, and it just wasn't right but my god I loved that man. I spent a long time fantasizing about us getting back together and him changing but eventually I let it go.

About 6 months after letting it go

Munchkingoat · 07/05/2019 20:43

Sorry posted too soon. about 6 months after letting him go I met the most wonderful man who makes everyone else pale in comparison. I genuinely didn't believe that this kind of love was possible and that this kind of person existed. I couldn't be more happy and I think he is the best person I've ever known.

KM99 · 07/05/2019 20:51

OP, your situation is so familiar to me. I don't think there are any miracle words to make you feel better right now.

Don't try to fight this grief. Don't get too focused on how you will cope next week, next month, next year. Just sit with your feelings for now. Acknowledge them, maybe write it all down, cry as much as you need. And please take care of yourself like you would a friend who was going through this. Eat, drink, rest.