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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my manager insensitive?

47 replies

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 12:24

I'm 6 months in to 12 months of maternity leave. 2 months ago I left my abusive ex. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and I've since moved back to my parents. Other side of the country.

I told my manager this and asked for his opinion on what I should do, whether there was scope for me to work from home, whether I would need to work my notice and leave etc. Being home with my parents is 100% what is best for me and my son and non negotiable.

He's only just got back to me (2 months later) even though I've chased him many times, and has asked for a meeting next week. He's not happy I've moved away and would've liked more notice! Like I should've left my ex earlier and told him earlier. He hasn't asked how I am, or offered any support (I work for a huge company, and am easily replaceable. Think google type size).

He's just gone about it in a really odd way. I've kept him updated. I've even apologised to him even though I'm not sorry as I have no do what's best to me. I've told him if I have to leave I accept that and I'll work my notice and find some way to do that.

I feel horrid. I don't want to leave my job. It's the worst situation ever and I feel like my life is in bits.

Would you react this way if you were a manager? Not sure how to take it.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 12:26

He's text me to arrange to meet in two weeks and hasn't told me what my options are. He's waiting until the meeting and now I'm sat here worrying about it. He could either say 'yes you can work from home' or 'no you need to find a new job' - it seems cruel.

OP posts:

mouldyhousemouldylife · 07/05/2019 12:27

He's an insensitive prick to be honest.

LonelyAmongUs · 07/05/2019 12:28

People do crazy things for any number of reasons, there's no rationalising it. I might be disappointed you were leaving, but as a professional I would always seek to part on amiable terms.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/05/2019 12:29

I mean it seems unreasonable of you to expect to be able to keep your job if you've moved so far away but yeah he could have been more concerned for you aswell

OvertiredandConfused · 07/05/2019 12:29

If it is a large organisation then I'd probably call HR and ask for a discussion with them

Original poster

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 12:30

I am so anxious at the moment and I'm on medication for this. I'm in a really bad place and I feel like it's cruel to make me wait two weeks when he knows now what my options are.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 07/05/2019 12:30

Yeah he’s a prick! When I was on ML I only had to give 4 weeks notice if I was planning to quit. Meaning of 9 months maternity leave I could have waited until 4 weeks before I was due back to inform them I wasn’t coming back. You’ve given him 6 months notice of maybe not coming back! He doesn’t know he’s born!

Original poster

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 12:30

@AryaStarkWolf I'm fully not expecting to keep my job. There are however other individuals who permanently work from home so included this as an option.

OP posts:

IsYourGoogleBroken · 07/05/2019 12:35

But your manager isnt obliged to give you an opinion on where you should live etc. And no company is obliged to let you work from home either. These are things that my be considered, but they are not an automatic right. Your manager is there to facilitate the needs of the business. The business has planning needs and 2 months probably isnt enough time to have further meetings with other collegues (up the food chain and HR) to see if your wishes can be accomodated.

He could text you, but a decent manager will deliver news (good or bad) in person, not by text or email or even phone if avoidable. Trying to sort out compromises by text would be a nightmare and so open to misinterpretation.

You are the one trying to change the terms of your contract, not him.

So yes, YABU not him.

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 12:36

You are on maternity leave and as such will take extra time to settle back into your job when you return. Have you considered how this would even be possible while working from home? You need to be in the office a certain minimum amount of days even in a big company (at mine it’s 3 days but some might be 4). How will you manage this and get back up to speed?

At my company most women who return from maternity only work one day from home for the first month to get their social networks back. After things get back to normal they then work from home more.

Another factor I think you need to consider as well is whether it’s in anyone’s interest to carry on with this job if your commute is no longer doable. You probably still have time in your mat leave to hand in your notice and apply for a local job. Maybe your manager wants to discuss this option too.

ChicCroissant · 07/05/2019 12:38

What do you expect him to do though, OP? It's not up to him and his options are limited. You know the terms of maternity leave, you can have up to a year off and if you are not returning you'll need to give them appropriate notice (have a look in your terms and conditions, 8 weeks is often stated if you are not returning from maternity leave) but it doesn't have to be worked as such - you can tell them you are not returning after maternity leave.

If you receive any enhanced maternity pay this may need to be repaid if you do not return so again, check your t&c.

You can ask about the prospect of home working when you see him. But it does seem unreasonable tbh to move across the country and expect to keep your job the same. It may be possible, but it seems unlikely. What is your role at work?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 07/05/2019 12:39

Flip sake. It’s very obvious that OP has asked her manager what her options are! She isn’t asking his opinion on where she should live or demanding to work from home. She is asking her manager (the person you are supposed to go to with these questions!) what her options are in this company. Thats pretty bloody standard.

Original poster

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 12:41

My issue is not whether I can work from home or not. I fully accept that they may tell me I have to hand in my notice and this I will do with no argument.

He's not happy I've moved away and would've liked more notice! Like I should've left my ex earlier and told him earlier. He hasn't asked how I am, or offered any support

My issue is that he's pissed off with me for moving away and upon telling him I left my abusive ex partner he said I should've given him more notice. My notice period is not very long, and I've given him 6 months advance notice. I left my ex with a hand print shaped bruise on my arm and after months of emotional abuse and he's upset I didn't give him more notice.

Why do people think the issue is that I want to work from home?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 07/05/2019 12:45

My issue is that he's pissed off with me for moving away and upon telling him I left my abusive ex partner he said I should've given him more notice

That is totally out of order and insensitive of him for sure.

Good for you getting yourself free of that abusive relationship aswell OP, sorry forgot to say in my first response to you

DarlingNikita · 07/05/2019 12:50

I'm glad you've got away from your ex, OP, first and foremost.

Your manager is being very insensitive. Being charitable, perhaps he's under a lot of pressure himself about staffing his department. Not an excuse, but possibly a bit of an explanation.

I'd contact HR, both so that they are involved in the practical conversation and also to point out that, while you realise this is disruptive for your manager, comments about wanting more notice are not kind or appropriate in the circumstances.

Xyzzzzz · 07/05/2019 12:51

I’d be tempted to speak with HR and explain that you’re upset you’ve not been offered any support. You’re still an employee even on maternity leave, so you should still be entitled to services and support.

Either way you need to know your options and your manager will provide those but they seem like an arse

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 12:52

Honestly you can’t judge his intentions or tone based on written communication. You will need to speak to him for that.

But yes he is entitled to be annoyed if he feels you haven’t been honest with him or you have form for being unreliable even prior to your mat leave.

A lot of ‘Google sized’ companies have policies specifically to help staff experiencing domestic violence - many will give you loans or grants to move house, extra time off, transfers to other cities, and even the opportunity to apply for a sabatical post your mat leave. But you need to talk to your manager or HR about the DV and all of it takes time.

Original poster

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 12:56

But yes he is entitled to be annoyed if he feels you haven’t been honest with him or you have form for being unreliable even prior to your mat leave.

I've been completely honest with him? I told him as soon as I left my ex that I had left and that I had been a victim of domestic abuse. It was a horrible, awful conversation and it took extreme honesty if you ask me.

I've never, ever been unreliable.

Is that not exactly what I've done? Talked to him about it?

I don't understand what your point is? So he's reasonable being pissed off with me after I've given him 6 weeks notice, kept him in the loop, asked for his help etc? I honestly can't accept that, but fair enough if that's what you think.

OP posts:

DonkeyHohtay · 07/05/2019 13:01

It's not an employer's job to offer "support" though. They may choose to provide welfare services or counselling to employees, but that's a choice, not a requirement.

On the other hand, OP chose to share her reasons for moving with her line manager. She didn't have to do that either. She could have waited until her maternity leave was almost over and either submitted a flexible working request to work from home, or hand in her notice. He manager does not need to know the details, it's none of the employer's business.

The manager may not be able to lay out options for the OP without consulting with HIS manager, HR or whatever. And besides, for a flexible working request the OP should have proposed that she do X, Y or Z and lay out the reasons it would work, not go to her manager and say "tell me my options".

Brefugee · 07/05/2019 13:02

Sorry that you're in such a tough situation. TBH I think you should probably have first contacted HR not your manager. But done is done.

I think the idea of asking an HR representative at the meeting is a good one. But do remember they are there to represent the interests of the company first and foremost. (do you by any chance have a workers' council or are you in a union? either of those could help and probably send someone to join the meeting with your manager)

Original poster

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 13:03

I spoke to HR first and they said it's down to each individual department to determine what they can accommodate so to ask my manager my options.

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 13:04

That’s the point - only you and he know the truth. We can only go by what you have written. I have managed staff who have lied to me get plum transfers / benefits - to those staff I am usually a lot more circumspect and may come across as less sympathetic (and more tow the company line) because they lost my trust.

Original poster

littlefoxyblue · 07/05/2019 13:05

When I say support, an 'are you ok?' Would've been nice. Not a 'you should've given me more notice' 3 hours after I had escaped my abuser. Fair enough though, I guess he's not my friend so not obliged to be kind.

OP posts:

OurChristmasMiracle · 07/05/2019 13:10

I think you may be best to speak with HR
Explain your situation. Explain that you don’t want to be paid enhanced maternity if you will need to pay this back.

Ask for some guidance and any policies they have on domestic violence and relocation.

It may also be worth saying you don’t feel your manager has been supportive if you still have 6 months remaining of your maternity and you let him know 2 months ago (so 8 months notice) you may not be able to logistically return to your role.

MissMilly88 · 07/05/2019 13:14

So sorry to hear what you've been through OP. It sounds dreadful and must have been so stressful to uproot as you have.

In terms of your manager, he could definitely handle this more sensitively but the situation is what it is. Understandably this is a highly emotional situation for you and you and your boss will be looking at this from different angles. He's clearly focused on the company and isn't letting emotions or personal feelings change this.

I personally think that ultimately you need to think rationally about how you would feel if in 2 weeks time it's the worst case scenario and you no longer have your job. You have to be prepared for this in order to feel a little more empowered and hopefully get you through the next 2 weeks without feeling horribly stressed out. Could you survive without a wage for a few months potentially whilst looking for a new job? Could you parents help support you in this regard? I think taking back control of the situation may help you feel psychologically better.

No job on earth is worth feeling stressed like this especiallly after all you've been through x

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