Teen Stepdaughter

[Sparkydad88]

My wife and i have been together for 8 years and married for 5. She has a daughter from a previous relationship who was just turning 7 when i first met her and is now nearly 15. We have a son who is nearly 4.

When my stepdaughter was younger i felt we had a great little connection, she loved to spend time with me, we laughed together at stupid things for hours and although she used to stay with her bio Dad at the weekend, there was never any awkwardness between the the switch between being with him or with me. Fast forward to the the teen years and how things are different. I can appreciate that obviously teenagers are not going to spent time with and/or enjoy the company of their parents as they did when they were younger, and indeed i didn't when i was her age, but i can't help but feel that she doesn't even like me anymore on any level.

I love her very much and i always go out of my way to make sure she has everything she wants (within reason), has lifts whenever she needs them and i pay for lots of things such as all of her school travel, uniform, contract iphone ect....over the past couple of years we have has numerous falling outs where perhaps i have taken her being cold, uncaring and quite rejecting of my affection personally and we have had the odd week where we haven't spoke a word to eachother, which always ends in me apologising for not being the adult in the situation and seeking to make it up to her.

Her relationship with her Bio dad has gone downhill in that she now only sees him one day a week when either can be bothered and they are constantly cancelling on each other. He loves going to the pub and puts this over seeing his daughter. I think in the last 8 weeks he's only seen her once. I can see how this rejection from her dad upsets her despite her trying to play it cool, but of course it wouldn't be right to get involved other than to let it be known that i am there for her.

Other than when she wants a lift or money from me it seems like we don't speak about anything. If i walk into a room she leaves, and when i do give her a lift she'll put her headphones in or turn the radio up so we can't speak to each other. We have before sat in silence as she kills any conversation dead with a moody dis-interest in talking to me. She will occasionally have random conversation with her mum about school, homework, her friends ect...she would never talk to me about.

I just feel like she'd rather i wasn't around at all. Like if i died tomorrow she wouldn't miss me at all! She treats me a little bit how she treats her bio dad and it's heart breaking that we've lost that connection. My wife says i should just concentrate on our Son, which i do play with him, but i can help feeling a loss that i don't have anything to share with my daughter.

As i write this me and my stepdaughter haven't spoken to each other for a full week, i've text her a couple of times to remind her to do things to which she hasn't replied. I said to my wife i was tired of reaching out my hand to help her after i offered to take her for new headphones (after she dropped hers in the bath) and she said why couldn't i just go on my own and she'd rather stay at home rather than go anywhere with me. So i thought to myself i would let her make some kind of effort in our relationship for a change to see if she even wanted one and to try and get some respect.....but nothing yet, and i fear she may be so stubborn that there may never be. I want to try break the cycle of me almost conceding that i was in the wrong when i'm not, and for her to realise on some level that i don't HAVE to do all the things i do for her, and i don't HAVE to keep trying to get close to her, but i want to because i love and care for her. I don't know what to do for the best. My wife says i'm paranoid and is sick of us falling out now, and then just takes over the giving of lifts ect... without talking to her daughter about it, so i'm at a loss.

Anybody got any advice for someone struggling to know what to do for the best? I know there is a line between disengaging to get respect and severing any last strands of relationship that may cause permanent loss of any kind of relationship. I don't want us to to just hate each other in the future.

I don't want to be dismissive but I think you're massively overthinking this. She's nearly 15. She's a teenager. She's moody, sulky and wants to be on her own. She sounds like a perfectly normal teenager!

You say she treats her biological Father the same way. Stop worrying! Stop conceding when you're not in the wrong. It sounds as though you are overdoing the 'trying to connect' thing.

Just chill and wait for her to come out of the other side in a few years.

To be honest she sounds like a teenager. And she's a teenager with a dad that she is becoming increasingly estranged from which might explain why she's withdrawing quite so much.
At 15 i wouldn't have wanted to go headphone shopping and stuff with my dad either, i wouldn't take it personally and accept that she's probably dealing with a huge amout of teenage girl stuff that she probably doesn't want to talk to you about. Not because you're her step dad but because you're not her so wouldn't understand.

You sound like DH whittering on about our son. Thats what teenagers do, dont you rememebr being one? MIndyou, I'd have to surgically remover their ear pods to get any sort of reaction out of anyof them these day .... kids are like puppies, water tham, feed them, let them out for a romp and pat them. Eventuyally they come to heel.

• please dont make me explain to the morally out raged that the above is tongue in cheek :

tongue in cheek definition: 1. If you say something tongue in cheek, you intend it to be understood as a joke, although you might appear to be serious

All perfectly normal, teenage behaviour. You’re the grown up, be patient not petulant, 5 years you’ll be good friends again.

She's being a normal teen. My dd was like this with her step dad. Now she's 20 they have a great relationship again, text and talk frequently. Just ride out, what are quite frankly, the abominable teenage years.

I can understand why she doesn't speak to her Dad, or have much time for him, because he has massivley let her down. There have been times when he has said he was busy but then we've seen him outside the pub. She talks to her mum ok in between the moodiness and loves her Granddad (Wife's Dad). But just seems to have a real problem with me....just uses me for things she wants but other than that i'm quite sure she'd rather i didn't exist.

Now we're stuck in the battle of wits that's been going on for the past week....i need a way to end the silence without giving in!

I wouldn't have a battle of wits with a 15 year old girl. What's the point? Just leave her to come round in her own time and be there for her when she needs it like every other parent of a teenager.

I wish people wouldn't say it's normal. It really isn't, none of mine were like this or their friends. Those that are are in the minority in my experience.

It sounds like you are irritating her, for whatever reason. Quite normal & common. Best thing to do is to give her as much space as possible.

You should be pleased that she’s treating you exactly as she would if you were a bio parent!
How about you text her about stuff other than reminding her to do something? I appreciate that due to you but being a bio parent you are a bit more sensitive but this really doesn’t sound abnormal

It does sound like pretty normal selfish teenage behaviour, I wouldn't worry too much. They are the rudest and most dismissive to the adults in their life that they depend on the most - she trusts that no matter how rude she is to you, you will always love and care for her, she knows she can count on you.

Although teenagers need slit of space, I would still politely remind her to be courteous, keep trying to make conversation, share a joke every once in a while - and tell her you love her and miss spending time with her.

You will get through this rocky patch and get to the other side.

Saying you're stuck in a battle of wills is a little childish, you're the adult here.
15 is a very difficult age to be a teen, you're not a child but not yet an adult. I didn't speak to my own father for months at that age.
Give her the space she needs to navigate getting through the next few years to adulthood.

She treats me a little bit how she treats her bio dad

And he is pulling away, not toward. You, by contrast, are leaning in. She is a teenager - she is still working out how to manage her feelings, but I would suspect that on one level she is hurt by this difference and doesn't know how to reconcile it. He is supposed to lean in; you don't have to. But you are the one making the effort and her father isn't. That must hurt.

She will grow older and more mature and she will recognise things that she can't just now. Most teenagers go through a grumpy stage - you're just getting the combination of typical grumpy and hurt grumpy. Although it must be hard, if you can manage to not take it personally and to avoid rejecting her as well, the chances are that she'll work her way through it and come out the other side with a good relationship with you again. This isn't to say that she should be allowed to get away with anything - but pick your battles. There is a lot of similarity between parenting toddlers and teens sometimes!

Life lesson: some people are just dicks. Maybe she will grow out of it and maybe she wont. Stop kissing her ass. Stop taking responsibility for her strops.

I say just continue to be pleasant, like an acquaintance would. But don't go seeking out affection because she doesn't seem to be in a place or the sort of person (currently or otherwise) to give it. And let her mum and dad buy what she needs from now on (other than household food ect). When she is in her twenties, the chances are she will see you as a buddy again. Maybe not. But right now you are farting against thunder making any effort other than to be polite.

15yo Girl being 15yo Girl. Just let her know you're there if and when she needs you. Carry on as normal.

Actually, I don't think this is normal. Or, maybe to put it another way, it may be her 'normal' but that doesn't mean you have to accept it.

I'd stop the silent treatment though, because that's entering into a battle of wills that you won't win. And I think it's fine to give her space. But if she wants things like lifts and new headphones, she's going to have to act a little bit more like a reasonable human being.

I would role model what you want to see - bright and breezy, morning, afternoon, how was your day. And if she wants her headphones replaced, of course she should come with you, you're not her slave!

She's being a teenage moo. They always take it out on the people they know they can depend on because they know anyone else wouldn't put up with that crappy treatment. It's enough to drive you round the bend.
Stop agonizing. Be firm, be fair, and as much as possible, cheerful. Ask her once if she'd like to do something. If you get a No or an attitude, you just say Ok, your call, never mind.
If she's ignoring you say things to her once - if she doesn't respond, carry on with what you're doing.
Don't get into a week of neither of you speaking and an atmosphere you can cut with a knife. She doesn't get to be a storm cloud hovering over you dripping on your head. You're clearly a loving parent. You do you. Let her see you're still the same bloke getting on with things and still just as approachable but you're not going to be wringing your hands because she's in a strop.
Your wife and the young'un would probably love to hang out with you and are sick of her sucking the joy out of you.
She's not the boss of you. She'll learn.

DaisiesAreOurSilver

I wish people wouldn't say it's normal. It really isn't, none of mine were like this or their friends. Those that are are in the minority in my experience.“

You’re right, guilty. One of our teenagers was exactly like this, the other, currently 16, isn’t. So more accurate to say it’s within the range of normal teenage behaviour. Which it is. In my experience so far, the majority were.

Two things jump out here:

1. Her dad has or is letting her down.
2. You spend periods of time not talking to her when you are the adult and she is a child.

All this on top of being a teenager. I agree with everyone else about normal teenage behaviour. I would defo have words if s child was rude but a radio 4 prog once described the brains of teenagers like those of lobotomised adults. They lack empathy .

I didn’t talk to my dad for the entirety of my teenage years for the same reason. I behaved like a teen and instead of being the adult my dad (naturally impatient and petulant, a damaged man) ignored me, refused to talk when I too ignored him and eventually we literally never spoke. How unhealthy is that? I have huge insecurity issues which I am sure stem from those years. And before meeting my long suffering wonderfully patient husband, huge problems with men. I unknowingly chose those that made me feel like my dad did - that formative male relationship set my settings, as it were, in relation to men - and I was attrActed to those whO were dangerous, inaccessible, dismissive. And who made me feel like my dad did - insecure, unloved, desperate.

Please don’t do this. You are the adult. Don’t take normal teenage behaviour and allow your own insecurities (about being a step parent perhaps?) take over. Be the adult. Don’t ignore her just because she is rude. Be physically and emotionally available, whaTever she does. Say hello, goodbye, how are you, I love you, always, regardless of how she behaves. Let your love And care be unconditional. If you feel bad, just imagine how she is feeling.

And yes, offer those things still, but at 15 I would want to go shopping on my own too. Don’t make these things conditional upon your physical presence together. As you have seen, this wil only serve to push her away. If you back off a bit, and offer support and understanding from the sidelines, yo may find she comes to you.

It very much sounds like some teenagers and as you have a stepdaughter whose dad prefers the pub to her she's having a hard time. My best advice is humour and love and not holding grudges. She is a hormonal teenager in a world for more confusing than it was when you were a teen, you are an adult. Good luck.

Tea for the win - what terrible advice! Please don’t do this OP, it really isn’t good advice.

So she's got a dad that lets her down and step dad that doesn't. She probably massively resents the fact you're not an asshole but her dad is! She's therefore treating you badly so you'll eventually end up treating her the way her dad does and she'll then feel better. Just carry on being nice - she'll realise in time. Your wife could also step in here and help your relationship.

Sounds totally typical for many teenagers.

You need to chill out and stop doing the "my feelz are hurt, boo hoo" thing.

She'll come around by about .. 23. Until then you are there to provide money, give lifts, serve in any other way that is convenient to her and otherwise .. to fk off. .

Also I've never had a stepdad do this is conjecture, but having hit teenage years, maybe she feels a bit weird about being affectionate towards you/having a close relationship with you in a way that wouldn't have entered her previously childlike mind.

I'll leave you with the classic words of an (older) teenage girl, previously very close to her (bio) dad, when he offered a hug at the end of an argument/bit of conflict;
"Fuck your hug!"

Ah teenagers.