Teen Stepdaughter

[Sparkydad88]

My wife and i have been together for 8 years and married for 5. She has a daughter from a previous relationship who was just turning 7 when i first met her and is now nearly 15. We have a son who is nearly 4.

When my stepdaughter was younger i felt we had a great little connection, she loved to spend time with me, we laughed together at stupid things for hours and although she used to stay with her bio Dad at the weekend, there was never any awkwardness between the the switch between being with him or with me. Fast forward to the the teen years and how things are different. I can appreciate that obviously teenagers are not going to spent time with and/or enjoy the company of their parents as they did when they were younger, and indeed i didn't when i was her age, but i can't help but feel that she doesn't even like me anymore on any level.

I love her very much and i always go out of my way to make sure she has everything she wants (within reason), has lifts whenever she needs them and i pay for lots of things such as all of her school travel, uniform, contract iphone ect....over the past couple of years we have has numerous falling outs where perhaps i have taken her being cold, uncaring and quite rejecting of my affection personally and we have had the odd week where we haven't spoke a word to eachother, which always ends in me apologising for not being the adult in the situation and seeking to make it up to her.

Her relationship with her Bio dad has gone downhill in that she now only sees him one day a week when either can be bothered and they are constantly cancelling on each other. He loves going to the pub and puts this over seeing his daughter. I think in the last 8 weeks he's only seen her once. I can see how this rejection from her dad upsets her despite her trying to play it cool, but of course it wouldn't be right to get involved other than to let it be known that i am there for her.

Other than when she wants a lift or money from me it seems like we don't speak about anything. If i walk into a room she leaves, and when i do give her a lift she'll put her headphones in or turn the radio up so we can't speak to each other. We have before sat in silence as she kills any conversation dead with a moody dis-interest in talking to me. She will occasionally have random conversation with her mum about school, homework, her friends ect...she would never talk to me about.

I just feel like she'd rather i wasn't around at all. Like if i died tomorrow she wouldn't miss me at all! She treats me a little bit how she treats her bio dad and it's heart breaking that we've lost that connection. My wife says i should just concentrate on our Son, which i do play with him, but i can help feeling a loss that i don't have anything to share with my daughter.

As i write this me and my stepdaughter haven't spoken to each other for a full week, i've text her a couple of times to remind her to do things to which she hasn't replied. I said to my wife i was tired of reaching out my hand to help her after i offered to take her for new headphones (after she dropped hers in the bath) and she said why couldn't i just go on my own and she'd rather stay at home rather than go anywhere with me. So i thought to myself i would let her make some kind of effort in our relationship for a change to see if she even wanted one and to try and get some respect.....but nothing yet, and i fear she may be so stubborn that there may never be. I want to try break the cycle of me almost conceding that i was in the wrong when i'm not, and for her to realise on some level that i don't HAVE to do all the things i do for her, and i don't HAVE to keep trying to get close to her, but i want to because i love and care for her. I don't know what to do for the best. My wife says i'm paranoid and is sick of us falling out now, and then just takes over the giving of lifts ect... without talking to her daughter about it, so i'm at a loss.

Anybody got any advice for someone struggling to know what to do for the best? I know there is a line between disengaging to get respect and severing any last strands of relationship that may cause permanent loss of any kind of relationship. I don't want us to to just hate each other in the future.

When she's being an arse, as teenagers can be, don't sweat the small stuff and keep treating her normally. It gives her a way back in to talking in a currently confusing world. You really do have to bite your tongue and be the adult here. She'll come back.

She’s just being a teenager, don’t take it personally.

Focus on your son and making memories with him (before he turns into a teen and does the same!) maybe if she sees you doing fun thing with him like going for ice cream/to the cinema etc she might start wanting to join in?

'Maybe she will grow out of it and maybe she wont. Stop kissing her ass. Stop taking responsibility for her strops. '

This ^ .

It is sad when you've been so close but just accept the situation for now. Be polite, give her space but the more you try to push the more she will retreat. Have firm boundaries, don't be a pushover. Back off and concentrate on your wife and ds, you can't force this.

That said your wife needs to tell her you all expect courtesy when together and no one will tolerate prolonged silences.

I had a stepdad, also had a dad who loved the pub more than me. Personally I think she’s being a moody teen.

morality that statement is bollocks. Why would she be feeling weird about being close to her stepdad? Everything isn’t about sex.

Ignore her behaviour but don’t ignore her. This isn’t the molehill you want your relationship to die on. She isn’t being nice and she is behaving badly. But I’d carry on being your normal self and let her mum take over any discipline. In years to come you can look back and tease her about being a moody git.

Your relationship is primarily with your wife, not your step-daughter. This would be the case even if she were your bio-daughter. That is the point of teenage obnoxiousness. They are telling you to back off and give them the space to start to be autonomous in preparation for adulthood. Your job is to always be at the end of a phone when they need you. That said, in your situation I don't think your DW should be pandering to her DD by taking over giving lifts etc which you would have previously done. If your DD wants more input from her Mum she should get it but not when it is merely a cover for dictating terms to you.

My parents divorced when I was 8. My Dad and I had a relationship very much like your step-daughter and her Bio-Dad. Paradoxically I much preferred the relaxed take it or leave it to being micromanaged by my Mum. I can hardly begin to imagine the hard time I would have given a needy step-Dad.

I now have 2 teenage DDs. The 16 year old especially is much happier if I stay completely out of her face and wait for her to come to me. Her Dad is naturally very hands off anyway and so gets shouted at less.

Ok, I'm going to go with the minority here and say this isn't the norm.

Your SD, your daughter, is struggling to trust her bio dad. She's also apparently struggling to trust you. Give her reason to want to trust you. Be the reliable man in her life, even when she's a total arse.

It doesn't mean you can't parent her. It doesn't mean there aren't consequences for bad behaviour on her part, but if you say you'll do something then do it.

If you say you'll pick her up, take her somewhere, buy her something, or expect something from her, then that's what will happen.

There will be no weeks of silence from you - that's abusive behaviour from you. That stops now.

Even if you just smile as she walks past, you acknowledge her. You do the same for her brother. She'll start to acknowledge back, and her brother will do it to. It changes the dynamics of interaction without people realising. There's no need for physical contact.

This lass is going through a lot in dealing with a feckless father. Don't give her a let down step father to have to live with at the same time.

But just seems to have a real problem with me....just uses me for things she wants but other than that i'm quite sure she'd rather i didn't exist.

There is a book called "Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town". I haven't read it, so I am not necessarily recommending it, but the title resonates so much with both my memories of being a teenager, my experience of parenting a teenager and the statement you wrote above.

Obviously not all teens are like this, but it is not unusual for them to be. In honesty I think the most important thing is to be normal back. Don't give her the silent treatment - that is childish and does no-one any good - but make general comments in an everyday sort of way. If she doesn't respond then mostly ignore the fact she hasn't responded, unless the lack of response is clearly disrespectful.

For example if I make a comment about my day I don't necessarily expect a response, but if I ask a direct question I expect an acknowledgement that I have spoken, even if it is brief and begrudging, and will point out the lack of manners displayed by the lack of a response.

You just ca't play the "if you aren't going to talk to me I'm not talking to you" game. It is very destructive.

morality!

morality that statement is bollocks. Why would she be feeling weird about being close to her stepdad? Everything isn’t about sex.

Teenagers feel & think with more emotional, sexual etc awareness than children - it might make them feel differently about their step dad (not sexually towards him, merely aware that he is not in fact a biological relative etc.). Eg. Many teenagers are self conscious about their bodies and physical contact and affection in a way they would not have been as children. They would be that way around a bio dad, let alone someone they are aware isn't actually a blood relative.

Also I said it was conjecture, calm your t*ts.

You're straight onto "you're talking bollocks!" in quite an aggressive way ... Can you not keep a civil tongue in your head during a discussion - would you speak that way to a complete stranger face to face? I doubt it. These forums esp aibu seem to really bring out the "it's anonymous online so I'll be an aggressive, derogatory fkr and there'll be zero real come-back".

I really feel for you, it sounds very hard! And you sound like a great step father who is genuinely doing his best.

Unfortunately you have to stop hoping she'll meet your needs for affection and attention. She simply cannot give you that just now, and it's too much to ask from a teenager. What she can and should be expected to do is to be courteous, reasonable, obedient and polite. Unlikely she will as she's a teenager but that should be your hope and expectation.

You've got to stop being so needy and stop the silent treatments. This is so, so important. Rise above it and find other ways to feel fulfilled.

When she's an adult she'll look back and shudder at her treatment of you, but you don't want her to remember this needy man who wanted her affection and love. You want her to remember an adult who was secure in himself and waited patiently for her to mature as well.

I have to agree to stop kissing her ass. If she wants headphones don't fuss about going out to look for some, wait til she asks about them. If she doesn't ask and is willing to go without then let her off. If she wants them, or anything else, badly enough she needs to compromise and either you both look online and choose or she goes with you to pick some out, because sure as hell if you just choose some they'll be the wrong ones. As for day to day, just ask how school was, has she much homework, can she set the dinner table, wash up, or whatever. That's about the extent of the teen chat in our house at times. If she is being obviously rude and ignoring you, not replying, then you need to sit down with your wife and teen and address it. It's not acceptable that she purposely ignores you or is rude to either you or your wife.

My Dad was like your SD bio-dad. He still is. Our relationship is very pick-up/put-down, and it won't change. Most of that can be placed at the feet of my mother, (who is her own story!) although not all.

My step-dad, whilst never the most affectionate of men, gave it a good old go, and in very less than ideal circumstances.

I resented every breath he took as a teen. In hindsight, I don't know how he stood it for as long as he did.

But he did. It was only when I reached adulthood, and had my own child that I came to see just how much he'd mattered and how much he'd contributed and shaped me.

Stick with it, and remember some very wise words an elderly relative once told me: Children often behave worst for the people they trust most - because they know they can, and will be safe and loved anyway.

You don't have to tolerate rudeness, and you don't have to be a door mat, but if she's being awful, it's probably because it's never occurred to her that you won't just be there for her, and that's a good sign.

I think her relationship with the unreliable pub bio dad is at the root of this. She is really angry about it and is snapping at anyone who comes near her.
Try to define what you think is actually rude. Not talking because she just doesn't feel like it is not rude. It might be that she feels you have hovering around waiting to have deep discussions and she just doesn't know how to deal with it and can't or doesn't want to articulate her feelings. This might be why she is pushing you away. Ignoring you when you say please can you pass the butter - a bit rude but not the end of the world.
I think you need to give her a lot of space. Don't keep initiating conversations which might be seen as intrusive. Wait for her to speak and respond positively when she does. as pp said, ignore the behviour but not her.. How are you ignoring her by the way. Cold shoulder if you don't get the conversational response you want? That is probably making her distrust you even more since it relfects Bio dad behaviour. Also.. its up to you to set the tone. YOu need to show her how to behave. Deliberately making it clear you are ignoring her is not going to help
Take a step back and calm down. Respond to good behaviour, ignore bad but work out what is really bad.. Her lack of communication is not necessarily rude defiance. Outright swearing etc shouldn't be tolerated, but there's no need to go over board, just tell her its unacceptable and if she wants co-operation from you two (on lifts etc) she needs to treat with respect and that includes not swearing.
If she doesn't want to go into town to get new earphones and responds rudely, then say, the offer is there, its up to you. and leave it at that. Dont let her prolong arguments.
I like Get off the Roofs advice about quietly acknowledging both DCs, its calm and positive and is not demanding a reaction.

Now we're stuck in the battle of wits that's been going on for the past week....i need a way to end the silence without giving in!

Get her the headphones.

I agree with nolam. If you know the ones she wants, get them and give them to her. Don’t expect fireworks but know that deep down she will appreciate the low key gesture.

I agree with Tea. Stop the arse-kissing! Your desperation is jumping straight off the page. Step right back. Be cool and cordial but otherwise just let her get on with it.

I don’t let anyone treat me like dirt until they want something. Condoning such behaviour only encourages them to continue to treat you badly because they have no reason to think they’re doing anything wrong. Gently bring her behaviour to her attention. She is old enough to be expected to not be completely self-centred and it is your duty to teach her it isn’t an acceptable way to behave, or she will just alienate other people in her life.

Normal teenager.

My (ex)DSS was the same from about 13 to 17 and we had got on fine from age 9 onwards. Now he's 18 and his dad and I have split up and I get on fine with him. Though he's probably still a pain to live with.

They come through it. Don't worry.

If you know the ones she wants, get them and give them to her. Don’t expect fireworks but know that deep down she will appreciate the low key gesture

Why should he?

Fine teenagers are moody and selfish a lot of the time, it may be 'normal' behavior for a lot of them but does that mean there are no consequences for it?

OP isn't this girl's slave. Sheepishly scuttling off and buying the headphones she wants will do nothing but reinforce the fact that if she pulls a strop, he'll backtrack and do what she wants.

Being a teenager makes this behavior understandable yes, but it doesn't or shouldn't make it acceptable though!

OP I'd do what your wife suggests, just be pleasant but don't make yourself a mug. Don't offer lifts, don't run off and buy headphones in a desperate attempt to get her to talk to you. Just be pleasant and concentrate on your son.

How about you sit her down and explain that ignoring you and your texts for a week is bloody rude, teenager or not she needs some manners

I think its fine to ask for a bit of respect. With the headphones thing I would have told her she was having a laugh, and that if she wasnt bothered about getting new headphones then neither are you. You were trying to do something nice, not offering to be a skivvy while she sits on her arse. I would actually say that to her. Tell her that you understand shes not feeling like socialising with her parents as much anymore, but she needs to at least be respectful and not sullen

I think in the most part, youre doing all the right things. Just carry on acting normal. Pull her up if shes really rude, and dont sweat the small stuff, as a lot of this stuff is pretty age typical

I wonder if she's feeling hurt, confused and generally unwanted and is testing you. To see if you don't really want her either and she's in the way.

You are the adults, so keep communication open with brief messages, e.g. text "hope you are well". Be present but don't buy presents.

UPDATE

Thank you all for your messages of support and advice.

I guess there is more susceptibility for feeling insecure and paranoid when your the step-parent. I know she is biologically programmed to love her real parents and despite the teen troubles she will come back to them. I suppose the fear is that things may not turn out the same for step parents if they don't work hard to keep the bond. I suppose i just need to relax and not think too much into it. What will be will be.

This afternoon i have been out to get her the iphone headphones i offered to get her a week ago, and as she is not home from school yet i have put them in her room in an obvious place for when she gets home. I figured it would be less awkward for her to realise i had bought her them this way. Perhaps in some unspoken way she will see the gesture.

We'll have to start communicating again this week because it's my Wife's birthday at the weekend and i always ask my DSD her gift ideas ect....

Well done OP, I think you’ve done the right thing. I applaud you for putting her first, seeing the tricky position she’s in and rising above it. I agree not to ‘smarm’ Round her (sorry, bad word) but this is s great white flag fromnwhich you can start afresh. Very best of luck.

'Maybe she will grow out of it and maybe she wont. Stop kissing her ass. Stop taking responsibility for her strops. '

It is sad when you've been so close but just accept the situation for now. Be polite, give her space but the more you try to push the more she will retreat. Have firm boundaries, don't be a pushover. Back off and concentrate on your wife and ds, you can't force this.

I agree with this too. She won't respect you if you apologise when you haven't done anything wrong.

That said your wife needs to tell her you all expect courtesy when together and no one will tolerate prolonged silences.

Sorry, last para was meant to be italicised, from @MauritiusNextTime 's post.