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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To get an overwhelming sense of danger from a stranger?

676 replies

ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 09:57

The weirdest thing just happened. I’m in the supermarket and as I’m stood selected and bagging vegetables I suddenly feel very uncomfortable.
There is a man about 50 something stood with his elderly mother a few feet away to the side of me and I felt very sick and uncomfortable when I looked at him.
Absolutely no reason for it but it was overwhelming, like a sense of fear he was not a good man.

Completely clueless why I felt that way I moved along quickly but I crossed paths with him again in another aisle and knew he was there before I saw him because the sick / anxious feeling returned.

Anyone else ever had this? I don’t have anxiety or anything but this feeling was so odd, like I could sense he wasn’t a good person.

Never met him before, he could be perfectly lovely but my physical reaction to him was so strong Confused

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 09/05/2019 22:06

As a slight voice of moderation, I used to have this with a particular man who was a friend of a friend and I only met at occasional hobby events - he just set all my hair on end and made me feel super threatened and suspicious. At that time I was very recently divorced and several of his mannerisms reminded me in passing of the OW, who I had known fairly well. A couple of years later the guy moved closer and I started to see him weekly through the hobby and the feeling completely went away. He is a nice guy who I've now known more than 10 years with no terrible gossip, and the feeling was basically entirely transference on my part - the OW was dangerous, so anything slightly akin was also dangerous.

Justaboy · 09/05/2019 22:06

had such an overwhelming sense of fear. I sat there frozen and she walked away, my heart was pounding. So utterly unlike me. I too think our instincts are there to protect us when it's such an extreme reaction.

One might concur that in practice our instings are flawed if they cause you to be frozen when you need to run like a force 10 gale!

Just saying;)

ferntwist · 09/05/2019 22:09

As women, we should always, always trust our instincts. Mine have saved me at least twice. Never worry about being silly.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 09/05/2019 22:09

I think there's something in people's gut feelings beyond mere coincidence, and why wouldn't there be? Some of the time "gut feelings" have got more to do with prejudice (racism, and so on) than insight. See Christopher Jefferies.

However. There are 7 billion people in the world, and they're all slightly different. Some are absolutely lovely and some are vile, ghastly people and there's an entire spectrum in between. Some people are amazing actors, and others show every thought on their face, and there's an entire spectrum in between. Some people are amazingly observant and perceptive of other moods, and other people only realise that their best friend is upset if she's crying. And there's an entire spectrum between those opposites.

We all fall somewhere on each of those spectra. Let's say that Joanne Bloggs is a highly perceptive woman. It's quite possible that our Joanne might run across someone who intends her harm but also happens to be worse at concealing his/her true emotions than Joanne is at perceiving those emotions. Joanne extricates herself from the situation, and later hears that the person found someone else who wasn't as perceptive.

Perhaps years later, Joanne posts on MN about it!

Graphista · 09/05/2019 22:12

HalloumiHarlot - have you seen lie to me? One of the main characters starts off as a tsa agent so similar role. She was recruited by the company in the show because she scored higher than most on a test devised by the main character to assess people's ability to recognise threats, and had a high success record wrt to identifying those up to no good.

I've a friend who's dad works in this area too, very successfully. He's also a child of a volatile addict.

Icantuckmyboobsinmypockets - I've had similar conversations with the exception being that the men I know with the volatile childhood background agree with the women. I think if you're not used to being a potential victim maybe you view people and the world differently?

MitziK · 09/05/2019 22:23

It's interesting reading about people's comments about hypervigilance.

I've only just come off a thread where I said, half jokingly, that I attribute my ability to spot where something is off/going to get dangerous to being an abused child.

It's the eyes. The smile stops at the nose and never, ever reaches them. It's how you know that whilst she is being the 'lovely, sweet, loving mother of many children' to the trusting souls she is holding Court with, she is silently telling you that you are going to get a battering at some undetermined point in the near future. Or, worse, when the conversation is about your beloved dog, that the dog is going to cop it to punish you, as you don't seem to care about being hit anymore.

It's the slight change in the shoulders that mean they're deliberately keeping their arms and hands in an open position so you don't see the punch heading for the side of your head until it's too late, or the slight shift in weight on their feet which means they're about to lunge for you or stamp on your feet.

It's your constant awareness of what is in your peripheral vision, as that's where a lot of the attacks come from, or of anything behind you, so you're always, always listening.

It's a tiny change in breathing, the rise and fall of the chest which means the atmosphere has changed and you're on a countdown to a slap as they walk past. Or they're slightly too close and you shift your hair to one side because they were about to grab and drag you around by it.

New shoes? They're - sturdy. They'll hurt.

That chair's been moved. It now means you have to sit exposing the back of your head (to be walloped whilst they were coming back from the bathroom and decided to get a bonus punch in for good measure) and won't see it coming.

That door's closed for a change. Is it because they're planning something you might need to get away from?

Where are your exits? Are your exits clear? Has something been put in your way to hold you up?

Are they wearing more or less makeup? Have they changed their hair slightly? Is this because they're in a good mood? Why? Have they decided that they're going to try something new to upset/hurt you? Have they already done it and are looking forward to your face when you find out what it is? Are the nails shorter so they don't break one hitting you? Are they longer so they can dig them in? Have they been sharpening their claws?

I can smell something. There's a smell of ironed linen. That means the iron's out somewhere nearby. I can smell smoke. What have they been burning or preparing to burn? I can smell dusty mustiness. What's come out of a cupboard and why? Is it to shove me inside it? Have they been rooting around in my bedroom for an excuse to come screaming in at 2am to clean it up?

They're looking at me. Why are they looking at my cheek? Is it lining up for the perfect slap? My shoulders. Both of them. This is a shove coming. [makes note to be very careful when using the stairs not to meet them]

What's beside them? Could it be used as a weapon? Where's that fucking wooden metre stick? I can't see it. Where the FUCK is it? That's it. It's moved. It's behind a curtain. The curtains have been moved. That's where it's hidden. Handy, but hidden. So it's going to be used.

Exits. Shit. Exits. Why is the door closed? It's never closed. Shit. Shit. Shit. There's that not-quite smile. Fuck. She knows I know. Fuck. Shit. Exits. Too close. I can't get there from here without being in reach. And I can smell that fucking iron. Crap. Pulling herself up to full height. It'll be shoulders next. Shit. Exits, why are there never any fucking exits?

Shoulders drop slightly and she turns away slightly. Not this time. I'll just move slightly so my way is clea- fuck. Floorboard creak as she shifts her weight again. It was a trick.

Oh, let's get on with this then. If I wind you up quickly enough, it'll be over sooner and you'll focus on me, not the dog.

So yes, you notice all those tiny little details, the smells, the sounds, the posture - and the eyes - and it sends you on full alert.

The alertness and observation does have other uses, though - I'm great at spotting wildlife, particular wild flowers, patterns in music and intervals (I play mostly by ear as a result), sequences and anomalies, so you spot plagiarism, forgeries, errors and wordsearches/sudoku puzzles are boringly easy.

And it also helps keep you out of trouble a lot of the time, as you spot those tiny things that make a person or place feel dangerous.

Graphista · 09/05/2019 23:19

Mitzik I'm so sorry Thanks

I didn't have it quite that bad but I could relate to some of it.

Totally relate to "where's my exits" everywhere I go! "Where's my escape route? Do I need to consider anything to access it?" I still sleep facing an open bedroom door.

I hadn't even considered the pattern recognition thing! That's a new one to me - yes I'm crazy good at sudoku, wordsearches, noticing spag or other errors/anomalies. Makes total sense why now.

SrSteveOskowski · 09/05/2019 23:19

@DollyDee. Fucking hell! That is TERRIFYING! Shock

Andromeida59 · 09/05/2019 23:46

I'm sorry @Mitzik Flowers. Your post was very familiar to me. Especially the part about being woken up at 2am.

I pick up on microagressions because of my childhood. If someone else doesn't and then is attacked, the fault as always lies with the perpetrator.
I do wonder if women ignore their gut instinct because we're always told that we should be polite to men, no matter how we feel.

A few years ago, I ignored my instinct. I went for a drink with someone to talk about arranging an event. Despite this person's pleas to meet at his home. I agreed to meet in a public place. He ended up spiking my drink. It's only because I'd previously arranged a check in with a separate friend that I avoided being sexually assaulted. My friend rang me, heard me slurring and came to pick me up.
My instinct told me not to meet up with him and despite putting measures in place, I was still put in danger. At one point later in the evening, I was completely paralysed.

flirtygirl · 09/05/2019 23:49

Wow MitziK that's so powerful. Flowers

Nanamilly · 10/05/2019 05:54

Found him really creepy ever since he created the character of that teenage boy that fancied his pal's geriatric gran and fantasised about having sex with her. What sort of imagination comes up with that?

Its not something he imagined. It happens in 'real' life. He wasnt making the scenario up.

Sux2buthen · 10/05/2019 06:05

I loved that and most little Britain sketchesGrin I think of nobody has evidence of anything sinister they really ought to leave him alone on here.
But I'm not the forum police 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fairylea · 10/05/2019 06:30

The hyper vigilance thing is very interesting, I think I certainly have some of that having been around my mum who had schizophrenia and was abusive to me as a child. Her whole face and body could change in a split second and I never knew what to expect so I think you do learn to try and read cues to protect yourself as a child.

I can also relate to the whole face changing thing - my mums face (even up to when she died in March this year aged 70) could change into a terrifying face, small black squinty eyes and a snarl instead of a smile. I realised as I became older I often couldn’t look at her because her actual pupils / eyes were so devoid of warmth and emotion.

But- my own dd has had a really good childhood (as far as I know and like to think so!) and definitely has the whole sixth sense thing going on, and there’s been times both she and I have felt exactly the same way about someone even when we haven’t really seen them, they might just been in the same room. It’s very, very odd!

crispysausagerolls · 10/05/2019 06:55

MitziK

What a well-written but heartbreaking and terrifying post. I’m so sorry.

Sux2buthen · 10/05/2019 07:19

Reading some of these I'm reminded of a joke I recently read.
(Male voice for joke)
"I was walking late at night and a woman was in front of me. All of a sudden she looked behind and sped up. Scared me a bit so I did too.
Then she suddenly starts running, so I did too.
I don't know what we were running from but it scared the shit out of me!"

user1497863568 · 10/05/2019 07:34

I've had it a few times. One was a German tourist staying in a backpacker hostel in the U.S. I had just arrived from Australia and quickly made a couple of friends. She was very friendly towards us and everyone thought she was great but I just felt there was something not quite right. A couple of days later she managed to break into all our lockers and stole everything - thank god I had my passport with me but she did steal a bankcard etc which was a huge pain for me to get cancelled/replaced. I had bank cheques which I had to use to pay the university I was going on exchange to - otherwise I had to borrow from my future brother-in-law until my new bankcard came and I could pay him back. I only kept the card in the locker so all my money wasn't one place but it would have been safer in my moneybelt. Others lost money, passports, jewellery. Turned out there were police warrants for her in other states for the same thing.

centralmix · 10/05/2019 11:08

MitziK - I am so sorry you had to go through all of that... and that you're using the positive side of your hyper vigilance skills now you've escaped.

DerrenBrownings · 10/05/2019 11:18

Mitzik. I mean I really dont know what to say to that. I will never ever understand how some people can be so twisted to behave like that with strangers let alone their own children. The way you wrote that was just unbelievably chilling and yet gave such a massive insight into what you went through and how exhausting it must have been as well as terrifying. You are an amazing person Flowers

LumpyPillow · 10/05/2019 12:06

@Mitzik I am so sorry you had to endure this. ❤️ Thank you for describing it like this, to really take people there, so they can start to comprehend the depths of it all and also resonate with those who have experienced it.

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/05/2019 12:09

@MitziK Fuck, I'm so sorry you went through this you must be so strong to have carried on with your life after learning these horrible markers of abusers. I'm just so sorry ThanksThanksThanks

spanishwife · 10/05/2019 12:32

When I was little I went to Disneyland Paris with my family and one of the ride 'attendants' (or whatever they're called) looked at me and made me feel repulsed to the core. I remember days later being back at home and thinking of his face and shivering. I had never felt that before and never again since.

Reading this thread I wonder if it's the same thing. That was probably 30 years ago and I still remember his face. How strange. We were obviously in no danger but very creepy.

Since then I have felt threatened or scared for a reason I couldn't put my finger on or by being around certain people/strangers, but nothing that strong.

MrsBethel · 10/05/2019 12:35

I think there is real value in these social instincts we have evolved.

You're instincts might mis-fire sometimes, but I bet your instincts are better at identifying sickos than just random chance.

BertrandRussell · 10/05/2019 13:20

“ bet your instincts are better at identifying sickos than just random chance.”

I don’t.

Justaboy · 10/05/2019 13:25

When I was little I went to Disneyland Paris with my family and one of the ride 'attendants' (or whatever they're called) looked at me and made me feel repulsed to the core. I remember days later being back at home and thinking of his face and shivering

Spansihwife: Can you say if at all what it was about his face was it just the way he looked, the expression he had or what?

And if seemingly ordinary looking can you give any reasons why you felt that way?

SuePerbly · 10/05/2019 14:38

I have only ever felt "pure evil" from someone once. He was a patient in the mental health ward that I nursed in. Most patients were very unwell, but not bad in any way. This guy was frightening.

It was a psychiatric intensive care unit so we were well used to patients being aggressive when unwell, and it took a lot to scare the most experienced nurses. This guy did.

One day, he told female staff he intended to assault and rape them. Normally, such threats were noted but didn't worry staff as they are trained to deal with it. We all had training in breakaway techniques and restraint, had alarms attached to our belts at all times etc. With this bloke it was very different.

We had him assessed by a psychiatrist from the Forensic Unit. It turned out that the man was a fully fledged psychopath, minus the charm. He had killed animals and set fires etc.

He was moved very quickly to a forensic secure unit.

I have never, ever known staff to be scared of a patient before. He was terrifying.