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Original poster

MIL issues wwyd?

82 replies

blissfullyignorantorinpain · 06/05/2019 22:57

Ok so I don't even know where to start but I'll try to keep it concise otherwise it'll be very boring.

I've been married nearly 3 years, have a baby who's nearly 1. I live with my in laws. From day 1 of getting married, and I mean day 1, I did not feel welcomed by my MIL at all. The rest of the family were ok so I just got on with it and tried to get on and involved with family things when I could. My MIL tried to cause issues between me and my husband early on in the relationship which caused a lot of arguments between me and my DH. Two big arguments we had in the early days because of my MIL saying I did nothing round the house. Which btw isn't true I'm actually constantly doing chores and never really feel relaxed. She is very negative and loves playing a victim. I've never done or said anything negative to her, I don't even stick up for myself when she is horrible because I just don't see the point, I know I'll never win.

When I first got married I found it really odd how she didn't welcome me and I always felt like I wasn't good enough for her or her son. I just bravely still tried to get on with things and made an effort with her. For example coming home from work and making sure I found her in her room and said hi because if I didn't it'd be the end of the world.

Within a few months of being married my SILs also decided to join the club of hating me, again for no good reason and even my DH could see there was no reason for their awful behaviour. They were very rude to me saying comments and also deleted me off al social media.

All this happened and I still didn't say or do anything. Because I knew the SILs would be getting married soon and go which they both did.

Now it's just me my DH my son and my PILs in the house. My FIL is lovely no problems with him and he doesn't get involved with any nastiness.

Anyway when I got pregnant, MIL didn't even congratulate me, she just made it about herself. Fine I didn't care. Throughout my whole pregnancy she never once asked how I was, I was still doing housework throughout and cooking for me and my DH, because eating her food was an issue when I first got married so I knew to cook my own meals. Which is fine.

As soon as my son was born she was over bearing to a crazy degree. Starting off with when I was still in hospital with him and she told me to give him formula milk because he was just suckling and not taking anything in, this was the second day of his life and I was obviously trying to establish a good milk supply. The midwife shouted at her saying its mums choice how she feeds her baby and it's not your place to say he's not getting enough.

That was just the start though. Ever since my sons birth all she has done is say negative things and basically tell me every single thing I do is wrong and I should do it her way.

For example, don't give him that food, don't put mitts on him, don't give him a dummy, do give him a dummy, give him formula milk, don't put him to sleep at that time, don't put him to sleep in his crib, don't feed him that, the list is endless but basically everything I do is wrong.

Anyway now she's gone up a level by saying mean and nasty comments while walking past or under her breath or to other people. I don't know why she's starting doing this, maybe because I never said anything back to her when she says negative things. I always just listened and did as she said because obviously she's always right.

The comments are getting to me so badly and I hate living here and I hate my life. I often think about dying and how happy she would be without me here and I know she has a major part to play in me getting such bad PND.

This has turned out to be much longer than I expected but my question is what am I doing that is so wrong? I've actually been ill and been through so much since the birth of my baby that I'd expect a little help or even god forbid sympathy. But I've had none of that. She's constantly telling me to do things her way and when things seem to be going wrong she gets a lot of pleasure from it. For example if my son isn't settling and won't sleep she'll be saying comments. And tbh the last thing I need is to hear mean comments from her when I'm so depressed and just trying my best to look after my son.

I suppose I've just realised what I'm doing isn't working and I'm looking for help and advice. Sorry this is so waffly.

OP posts:
Fallingirl · 07/05/2019 00:35

Oh yes, I recognise the thinking of things to say in your head, and then not saying them. I have done that more times than I could count!

It’s just not so easy, when we are conditioned to avoid conflict. Because of that, I remained married to an abuse twat many more years than I should have, which hurt our daughters as well.

You sound like a very kind person, and you clearly don’t want to hurt your DH. But for three years, you have been hurt, and you just cannot carry that burden any more. Even if he gets upset by you moving to your mum’s with your son, it is not fair that you should keep getting hurt, to protect him. Also, even if you wanted to, it honestly sounds like you actually, literally can’t carry on like this.

You also have a right to be kind to yourself, not just others. (A lot of women could benefit from repeating that to ourselves three times a day Smile )

SandAndSea · 07/05/2019 00:36

1) my husband will be really upset

You're not responsible for his feelings. You might feel like you are, but you're not.

Also, is that worse than you being really upset?

Think about what you're really thinking here:
Will your husband be upset that you don't want to be constantly abused?
Will your husband be upset that you don't want to stay in a situation that is making you ill?
What sort of husband would demand that you and your child stay in such an abusive situation?

2) I don't like making a scene mainly because I know MIL would love it

Firstly, it's not you making the scene, it's her.
Secondly, you don't have to make a scene. You can plan your departure. (People on here can help you more with that.)
Maybe you could also speak confidentially to your mum to enlist her help?
If you can't take everything with you, maybe you could photograph your non-essential things and get your husband to bring them to you later? (Assuming you can trust him.)
Maybe you could just pack quietly and leave?

3) anything I do it'll never be forgotten by my in laws which I can handle but my DH will suffer.

You're worrying too much about what might be for other people, instead of dealing with what IS for you. Take your power back! These people sound like assholes and they're taking advantage of your good nature. Stop letting them. Get out of there!

Namechangeforthegamechange · 07/05/2019 01:31

Go to your mums and don’t come back! Tell dh you love him and want to
Make it work but it’s not going to in that house. You stay at your mums until you have a place of your own

darkparadise1 · 07/05/2019 04:17

You sound like a lovely daughter in law and she sounds like a nightmare. She doesn't deserve you! When you get your own place don't be afraid to distance yourself. Some space from her is just what you need!

Windygate · 07/05/2019 05:17

Your H has stood by and done nothing for three years. He has known all this time that his M doesn't like you. He is as much to blame as she is.

PregnantSea · 07/05/2019 06:29

It's great that you're leaving, you need to do this. I would add that you should tell DH that if your MIL isn't pleasant when she visits that you won't have her in the house again, end of story. He needs to support you in this. Him telling you to stand up for yourself is him being a wuss. It's his mother, not yours. Tell him to stop being spineless and stand up to her.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 07/05/2019 06:35

Good plan to go to your mum's until you get your own place.

Margot33 · 07/05/2019 07:05

Can you stay at your mum's until you move home? Hope you escape this soon. Sending hugs.

Star81 · 07/05/2019 07:39

Please make sure your MIL is not given a key to your new home !!!!

EdtheBear · 07/05/2019 07:50

Move out. Go to your mum's.

Things seem wooly with your own place. Have you seen it, where is it in relation to your parents and ILs? I'd be wary of moving somewhere too close.

snowdrop6 · 07/05/2019 08:02

Leave now ,today with baby .just go to your mums,sleep on her floor .when your husband has found and moved in to a home for you all you will consider joining him.but with some rules ,ie you will be treated with respect by his mother or she is not allowed in.
Honestly,I think your dh has had enough time to sort this out ,he must of seen how it effected you ,and he’s done nothing to change the situation.i think he’s just as much to blame ,because he didn’t stop it or get you all moved out.

Acis · 07/05/2019 08:11

I don't like making a scene mainly because I know MIL would love it

You don't need to make a scene, do you? Take as much of your own and the baby's stuff over as you can beforehand, then simply go for a visit and don't come back.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 07/05/2019 08:12

I just wanted to say, you sound like such a lovely forgiving person please don’t loose yourself anymore to a family that doesn’t deserve you.

Your son needs you and your happiness will be what he remembers, please escape to your mums and then really think about how your relationship is with your DH. As he Isn’t coming across well by not stepping in or immediately removing you from a horrible life you feel compelled to endure.

HappyintheHills · 07/05/2019 08:14

Could you go to your mums for a visit and just not come back?
No big scene for MIL to feed on, just an extended visit until your DH has arranged acceptable accommodation.

Troels · 07/05/2019 08:41

Pack your stuff go to Mums and message your Dh that you'll be back with him once a place is found for you and him and the baby to move into, you will not be living in a toxic enviroment with his mother ever again.
Come on Woman up!

User199999999o9o999 · 07/05/2019 08:51

Go to your mums. You need to look after yourself and ds. Your husband, if he's sorting the moving now, is doing the bare minimum. You should have moved years ago and she should have been put in her place.

He chose to do neither and leave his wife, his pregnant wife and then newly given birth wife, to fight this battle alone. It's really disgraceful it's come to this, he should have supported you years ago.

IAmNOTBent · 07/05/2019 08:57

OP visualise how you will feel stepping into your mum's house knowing you never have to step foot in your MIL's house again.

Now go and do it for real Grin

Mumofone1593 · 07/05/2019 08:58

So glad you are moving in a month I could have cried reading how you have been treated. She has definitely abused you to the point you have lost your self worth. You sound like a lovely woman and mother and putting up with this is more than you should have to handle. Leave and don't look back, if she hates you, who cares, if your husband tries to force you to contact her DONT. He can see her, he can take your son, you can see her in groups if you want but do not make the mistake of seeing her alone, she will be cruel and know you have no way of proving it. She is a cruel woman and you deserve so much better from a MIL.

NannyRed · 07/05/2019 09:09

You need to talk to your dh.

Explain everything like you’ve explained it here. Let him know he has two choice, leave with you and your son, or watch you leave with your baby and he can stay with his mum. But either way you need to get a place if your own.

I’d be snapping back at her, put her in her place, she is granny not mummy so next time she tells you to do it her way tell her “that’s the old fashioned way health visitors no longer recommend, next time she passes comment under her breathe ask “what was that? I thought you made a comment under your breathe. If you think I’m fat/lazy/stupid then at least have the courage of your convictions and say it loud enough for everyone to hear”
Stop being the doormat and start being the thorn in her side and make sure your husband knows what’s really going on.

PeachesAndMayo · 07/05/2019 09:22

You are in an abusive situation. You really do need to leave.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/05/2019 09:37

This is abuse .pure and simple.

You're being bullied and marginalised by this awful woman.

You should not have to put up with this or fight it alone...

Pack your stuff. Tell your husband on the day you are leaving....say you are going to your mum's until you can find a place together....

You be got to keep yur mental health and staying with this woman won't do it

BertrandRussell · 07/05/2019 09:46

Adding to the chorus of go to your mum.

And don’t move into any house your husband provides until you are satisfied that his family were not involved at all in the finding or financing of it, and do not have keys.

tablelegs · 07/05/2019 13:28

I wouldn't have any contact with her after that. I would tell her to get to fuck with that attitude.

Go to your mums op and get away from this awful woman.

Stand up for yourself too. Don't let anyone speak to you like that. Answer her back.

Original poster
blissfullyignorantorinpain · 07/05/2019 18:20

Thank you everybody for your replies. It truly means the world to me and it's so nice to hear it's not in my head and this is actually abuse.

This morning I packed a few things and me and my son headed off to my mums. I was going to tell my DH when he phoned and himself suggested I stay at my mums for abit so I can get looked after and get some well needed rest. I've had a lovely happy relaxed day and most importantly my son is so happy and full of beans.

Thank you fellow MNters. 🙂

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 07/05/2019 19:52

Lovely news! Well done!

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