MIL issues wwyd?

[blissfullyignorantorinpain]

Ok so I don't even know where to start but I'll try to keep it concise otherwise it'll be very boring.

I've been married nearly 3 years, have a baby who's nearly 1. I live with my in laws. From day 1 of getting married, and I mean day 1, I did not feel welcomed by my MIL at all. The rest of the family were ok so I just got on with it and tried to get on and involved with family things when I could. My MIL tried to cause issues between me and my husband early on in the relationship which caused a lot of arguments between me and my DH. Two big arguments we had in the early days because of my MIL saying I did nothing round the house. Which btw isn't true I'm actually constantly doing chores and never really feel relaxed. She is very negative and loves playing a victim. I've never done or said anything negative to her, I don't even stick up for myself when she is horrible because I just don't see the point, I know I'll never win.

When I first got married I found it really odd how she didn't welcome me and I always felt like I wasn't good enough for her or her son. I just bravely still tried to get on with things and made an effort with her. For example coming home from work and making sure I found her in her room and said hi because if I didn't it'd be the end of the world.

Within a few months of being married my SILs also decided to join the club of hating me, again for no good reason and even my DH could see there was no reason for their awful behaviour. They were very rude to me saying comments and also deleted me off al social media.

All this happened and I still didn't say or do anything. Because I knew the SILs would be getting married soon and go which they both did.

Now it's just me my DH my son and my PILs in the house. My FIL is lovely no problems with him and he doesn't get involved with any nastiness.

Anyway when I got pregnant, MIL didn't even congratulate me, she just made it about herself. Fine I didn't care. Throughout my whole pregnancy she never once asked how I was, I was still doing housework throughout and cooking for me and my DH, because eating her food was an issue when I first got married so I knew to cook my own meals. Which is fine.

As soon as my son was born she was over bearing to a crazy degree. Starting off with when I was still in hospital with him and she told me to give him formula milk because he was just suckling and not taking anything in, this was the second day of his life and I was obviously trying to establish a good milk supply. The midwife shouted at her saying its mums choice how she feeds her baby and it's not your place to say he's not getting enough.

That was just the start though. Ever since my sons birth all she has done is say negative things and basically tell me every single thing I do is wrong and I should do it her way.

For example, don't give him that food, don't put mitts on him, don't give him a dummy, do give him a dummy, give him formula milk, don't put him to sleep at that time, don't put him to sleep in his crib, don't feed him that, the list is endless but basically everything I do is wrong.

Anyway now she's gone up a level by saying mean and nasty comments while walking past or under her breath or to other people. I don't know why she's starting doing this, maybe because I never said anything back to her when she says negative things. I always just listened and did as she said because obviously she's always right.

The comments are getting to me so badly and I hate living here and I hate my life. I often think about dying and how happy she would be without me here and I know she has a major part to play in me getting such bad PND.

This has turned out to be much longer than I expected but my question is what am I doing that is so wrong? I've actually been ill and been through so much since the birth of my baby that I'd expect a little help or even god forbid sympathy. But I've had none of that. She's constantly telling me to do things her way and when things seem to be going wrong she gets a lot of pleasure from it. For example if my son isn't settling and won't sleep she'll be saying comments. And tbh the last thing I need is to hear mean comments from her when I'm so depressed and just trying my best to look after my son.

I suppose I've just realised what I'm doing isn't working and I'm looking for help and advice. Sorry this is so waffly.

You should move out immediately and go to your mum's with your son. Within a month or so you will be in your own home. Lastly, never see or speak to your in-laws again. If your husband doesn't support you in this, you have even bigger problems.

Why are you living with DH's parents? Is this a cultural thing? And where is your husband in all of this? Do you tell him what's going on?

Either way, the simple answer to all of your problems is to move, asap.

Is there an Asian women's centre anywhere near you? You may find them a really good source of support with these type of issues.

Go to your mum and let her look after you xx

I second moving in with your mum until your new place becomes available.

Just go and stay with your child at your mothers until your new place is ready. You dh can either come with you or stay with his mother

You sound like a lovely mum and person. The only way to deal with her is a) understand that she has a major problem (at the moment you are in the firing line but you won't always be the target) and the problem is her own personality (personality disorder, perhaps) and b) when she criticises you, say "it's fine" or "there's no problem" with a big smile.

She is being highly abusive towards you. I hope you can move out as quickly as possible. There is a future and it's one in which you become yourself again and you won't give two hoots if she is pissed off or not. Leave her emotions alone and save yours for your beautiful baby.

Please do go to your mum’s with your son.
And then I think youand dh need to have an honest and serious talk about having ground rules about how his mother gets to behave towardsyou when you’ve moved.
You say you are scared about how she will behave, as she is angry you are moving. That makesit extremely important that he agrees to not allow her into your home if her behaviour towards you is less than exemplary. And he has to be the one to throw her out when she misbehaves. Him. Not you. He has to stop being a wuss, and putting the burden of this on you.
As their son, he has a much higher standing in their family than you do. This has to come from him.
He has to understand that you don’t have to put up with this.

And if you would be better of out of his family altogether, why should you stay with him??? He has to answer that question.

"we will be moving soon hopefully"
"Will be moving within the next month all being well."

Sorry, but that just doesn't sound definite enough to me. Pack your and your son's personal belongings up and move to your mum's. Let your husband deal with the move, but you need to be out of this poisonous woman's orbit ASAP. She is making you ill. You need to move out, for your own good.

Thank you for clarifying OP and apologies I asked. The reason I did ask is because your situation is unfortunately so common in south asian families. It's so difficult because so much is expected from the "daughter in law", things no parent would ever wish for their own daughter(s). It's vile and disgusting and I hope this changes for the future generations.

Your situation is common and I HATE saying that, but it is what it is. I feel for your mother also as she might find it difficult to raise any issues with your mother in law out of fear of ruining your marriage or making things worse for you.

My heart goes out to both of you, but I am happy that your husband can finally see the truth as you often hear men believe their mothers over their wives.

The predicament is, if you now begin answering back, is she going to make life even harder for you? Would your husband then still stand by you if you stood up for yourself, or would he assume you're adding fuel to the fire?

Your mother in law will hate your husband leaving but honestly it is not healthy living like this, so whatever happens do not allow your husband to convince you to suffer anymore. You DO NOT have to live like this, and I am sure if one of his sisters were in your position he'd have a lot to say.

It takes a lot to not say anything back and I admire you for that, but manipulative women like her will never be happy no matter what you do.

Do your best to get this move to happen as soon as possible and once you have left draw your boundary lines. You do not have to see or visit your mother in law anymore, and any relationship she has with your child can be through your husband. Do not let her into your space if you do not want to and keep the visits at her home only.

Please feel free to reach out if you ever need a chat, I understand what you are going through.

Do you have a support system outside of your marital home? Friends, family other than your mum who know what is going on?

I wish you and your son so much happiness OP, I hope things begin to get better and that miraculously this woman sees some sense and behaves decently.

Go and stay with your mum until your dh sorts a new place.

You don't have to see your dh family again - they're his family not yours. Let him go to his family events and either stay away with your dc or let dh take the dc and have a break - whichever you prefer.

Aww thank you so much for your replies. It feels great to just be able to talk about all this with someone.

My DH knows everything and that's why he's got us a house. I wish he got it when I first asked when I was pregnant but nothing I can do now.

She has got some kind of issues, she just seems full of hate and anger towards ppl.

I do need to do that @SummerWhisper I want to enjoy being a mum. But up to now it's been really difficult and traumatic tbh.

I really want to go to my mums until we get the new house, I'll leave behind a war zone for my DH to deal with because she won't be happy.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds unbearable to me. I think I would tell my Dh that I had to go to my mums till a new home could be got. But it might be worth speaking to your husband and fil and saying that this must stop or you will not feel comfortable allowing any contact with your son, because she must not undermine you to your child. I don’t even know if that’s right, I know a lot of people are urging you to go NC for you and your child, but that sounds like something you would suffer from?
It’s a horrible situation. It is very serious. You are being abused and you have a right to demand it stops immediately, or to remove yourself from it. Good luck

@specterlitt yes yes and yes. It's all so true. It's disgusting the way I'm treated so differently to her own daughters. But I honestly hand on heart never said a thing back to any of them because 1) my mum always taught me to be patient and 2) they would've enjoyed a fight with me and I would never win.

My mum is very sad at the situation but for the reasons you said doesn't get involved. Which is good.

I have my mum as my support but no friends or anyone who know about all this. I didn't share it in person because it's just so moany and I feel like it's all my fault especially when I see how good my SILs relationships are with their in laws.

But even my DH agrees I was never welcomed into the family so I really shouldn't stay here.

It's so nice to see pps saying this is abuse because I've always thought this but can never say it.

I am going to stick up for myself once and for all.

And my DH would expect me to go to family events like I do now just suck it up and go and ignore MIL. Which I can do. But I will never step foot in her house again once I'm out.

@3dogs2cats thank you for your reply. Yeah NC would basically be like torturing my DH which there's no point in doing. When we move though I'm not stepping foot back in her house and will only tolerate at family events or parties.

Another worry I have now is her trying to parent my son and btw I don't agree with her parenting either but now she's saying she wants to look after him when I go back to work. I've told my DH that's not happening.

It's all very well DH saying stand up for yourself but he should be defending you.

He needs to tell MIL that she cannot speak to you like this or she will never see him or her DGC again.
I agree with everyone else that you should go to your mums until you have your own place. Hell you can come and stay with me if need be

@Fallingirl thank you for your reply and everything you've said is so true.

It sounds really sad but I don't even have the confidence to say that to my DH. sometimes m I will think of things to say in my head but then never say them. But I need to.

I will have to set some ground rules though, because I can't imagine her behaving nicely if / when she does come to visit.

I just wish my DH would understand how draining this is, I dread waking up and going down and facing her I dread her walking past me ignoring me and my son and the complaining I don't let her pick him up. I just dread everyday life living here. And after a year of mat leave I've gone completely insane with it.

@Serin aww thank you for the offer. 🙂

It's true I will say this to my DH because me standing up for myself just isn't going to happen and if I try I know it'll go badly. He needs to be putting her in her place.

And I think going to my mums seems the best option atm. I know my DH will be really upset but this is kind of all his fault.

So sorry you're going through this. Please find the strength to leave with your baby asap. Can you go to your mum's? If you can, go. Take your baby and leave.

@SandAndSea hi I think I will go to my mums. But here's what's stopped me before 1) my husband will be really upset 2) I don't like making a scene mainly because I know MIL would love it 3) anything I do it'll never be forgotten by my in laws which I can handle but my DH will suffer.

You must have great patience and strenght to have made it this far, moving out will solve a massive amount of problems. Is there a cultural reason you moved in too or just for convenience, Is there many family gatherings? Hopefully you won't have to see her as often, go LC if DH wants to visit his DM fine, if he tells you she has been crying, play her at her game and sob your eyes out, snots and sobs.
I feel really sorry for your FIL, no wonder he keeps quiet, the poor man spending his life with an abuser, he has learnt to put up and shut up, your DH needs to reflect on that.

@EmeraldShamrock Lol I think I do have a lot of patience or maybe just literally no strength or confidence to fight with ppl. There aren't many family gatherings which is good so won't be too hard and I won't be going to see MIL after all this. And my FIL and MIL have a very odd and broken relationship it's exhausting to be around.

The thing is you’re so close to leaving and this just makes it seem more intolerable - you know you’re going and it can’t happen soon enough!

I think you should move out for a little while and make some plans - is there a reason your DH couldn’t also go to your mums until the new place is ready?

Please do go to your mum's. You say you are worried about your DH being upset but he is allowing you to be mistreated in this way. He needs to see you are serious. I would be packing up and leaving with baby tomorrow. You don't have to make a big deal of it just get everything ready and go then tell them all you have left and why, make sure DH knows you want him to join you but you won't return to join him until he has secured a home for your family away from his parents.

Get your baby out before this horrible home forms part of their childhood memories. Do it for your baby and yourself so that you can be the strong mother they need and so that they don't have that vile female influence in their lives.

You can't fight poison, do not consider yourself weak at all, you're the opposite.
Do what you can to get to your new home, is it in the near future? If you don't want to leave for all the reasons you gave, build an emotional wall against her, focus on the new home. Give DH a time limit 1 month, tell him you are offering this time for him, when you really want to go now, you're leaving then either to your DMs or new home.