Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH insensitive? Possibly triggering (MC)

35 replies

CharDee · 06/05/2019 21:13

Completely prepared to be told that I'm just over reacting and possibly given the circumstances just over emotional!

I am pregnant or rather was and found out on Friday there was no heartbeat. This isn't my first miscarriage so knew what to expect and went home. I've felt crap all weekend but have been getting on with it. Today I've had really bad pains so knew what was coming.

DS was in the bath and I was sat up on the side with my feet in playing with him when I had a sudden pain and knew that (sorry tmi) I was about to pass the baby. I got down with great difficulty and shouted DH when I stood up I felt something come out and I found it painful to stand so I sat on the toilet next to the bath. Shouted again and had no reply so DS started shouting too saying "Daddy mummy needs help" DS is 4 so doesn't know anything but could see that I was in pain. My phone was on charge so couldn't even call DH to come to the bathroom. I was only wearing a long top because my feet were in the bath with DS so could see when setting down I had blood on my legs. I pulled my knickers down and seen what I expected on the pad. And had to just change pads and put the used pad in the bin.

I carried on shouting and then DH came in and asked what all the noise was about. When I told him and that I'd been shouting he said he'd heard but was watching something so thought we could wait. When I told him what had happened he was like "Oh right ok. Do you still need me then or now it's all done can I go back downstairs now?" I told him that I was in pain and just had to see and put our baby in the bin so needed him to stay with DS in the bath while I had a minute. He just said "But it's not a real baby. It was only 8 weeks so would have just looked like a clump of blood or something."

DH is normally amazing and I never have to ask for help. We share everything with housework and childcare. This is very unlike him but this is the 6th miscarriage I've had over the last 10 years so I'm not sure if he's just tried to switch off because he has never responded like this before.

He's since come and apologised after putting DS to bed. DS is fine and DH just told him I had a poorly tummy which is why I was crying. I feel really hurt by his comments and shocked that he actually said that. He has said sorry for how he responded but then said after so many times he isn't sure what he's supposed to say to make it better.

This pregnancy was unplanned I'm on the pill but obviously it has failed. We were surprised but happy when we found out and were waiting to tell everyone next weekend.

I'm not sure what to say to him now. He's gone downstairs to tidy up and leave me to rest and I don't know if I want him to just come back and hug me or stay downstairs all night. Was he being a dick or was he just trying to minimise things to protect his feelings?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 06/05/2019 21:16

That's horrible..Flowers

formerbabe · 06/05/2019 21:16

So sorry op Flowers

user1493413286 · 06/05/2019 21:19

I’m so sorry; he was insensitive but I imagine it was a way of protecting himself and he has seen that was he said hurt you and apologised.

Roaring30s · 06/05/2019 21:20

Bloody hell.

How horrific.

I'm so sorry OP. :( My condolences on the loss of your baby x

WeAreStardustWeAreGolden · 06/05/2019 21:23

ThanksThanksThanks

Excited101 · 06/05/2019 21:24

Give both of yourselves a break, you’re allowed to be upset and yes it was insensitive, but he has apologised and has explained that he doesn’t know what to say or how to react. Your ds was also there which would have affected both of your reactions some what.

Keep communicating and move on from this together. You’re on the same team. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
CharDee · 06/05/2019 21:25

Thank you all.

This is so unlike him so I'm just trying to see where it's come from and all I can think of is he's trying to not let it get to him.

He wanted another child so much more than I did. I always said that DS was enough and since DS we've had 2 unexpected pregnancies (one was on the pill and the other condom failure) and each time he's been more excited than I was.

I said yesterday that I was done with pregnancies and don't want to try in the future because this happens so maybe I hurt him and he's not been able to properly say anything because well who wants to upset the woman currently miscarrying?

I think I need to talk to him and see if he actually meant it or not.

OP posts:
Thisnamechanger · 06/05/2019 21:26

Urgh...that's awful OP Sad

Waveysnail · 06/05/2019 21:27

I so sorry OP. I think your right. He's shut his emotions down.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2019 21:31

Oh love, I’m so sorry for your loss, for all of your losses and for what you’ve just been through Flowers

I’d have been enormously hurt by how he’s behaved. How do you feel about his apology?

Please rest as much as you can and go easy on yourself.

Shoxfordian · 06/05/2019 21:36

I'm sorry too
He sounds insensitive and unkind

Original poster
CharDee · 06/05/2019 22:04

He's just text me from downstairs to say

So it's been hard for me to actually tell you how I'm feeling Cos I'm trying to not show anything while this is all going on. I'm sorry you're going through this again and wish I could make it go away. I know that I was a bit of a nob before...I'm really sorry. If you want me to stay in the spare room tonight I will.I don't know why I said that and you know that I know that was a baby. It must of been really hard for you and I'm sorry I didn't come up to help sooner... I don't know what to do anymore. You said on Saturday you didn't want to make this a big thing and keep it to ourselves so I tried to play it down but I really just want to tell people how shit it is and how shit it is that this is happens to us and also how amazing you are for not completely losing it. I don't know why it's happening again and I hate that I got my hopes up. This is so hard for me because I'm sad for you and what you're going through and sad for what we've lost. I don't feel like I can be upset about it or that I have any right to be cos whatever I'm dealing with it's 20 tines worse for you. I really am sorry for what I said. I want you to know I didn't mean it and feel like the worlds worst husband, do they make cups with that on? I love you but if you want to tell me what a twat I've been just shout me and I'll come straight up to listen or just stand still while you throw stuff at me

He then text this 20 seconds later

Fuck. Took me 10 minutes to write that out and reading it back seen I put must of instead of must have...I bet you definitely want to call me a twat now. Sorry.

That's the longest message I've ever got from him. I did see the must of and get annoyed at him.
I think he didn't say what he did on purpose it just slipped out and he didn't mean it. That was so out of character for him and thinking back since I said I was done and didn't want to be pregnant again he has been acting differently but I just didn't properly notice. He's grieving too but he's trying not to show it.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 06/05/2019 22:07

He sat watching the TV knowing there was a problem but ignoring you shouting, knowing you were with your DS; that is not how a team works Flowers

StuckInsideAnEcho · 06/05/2019 22:10

I'm so sorry. I couldn't go through it again.

It's OK to grieve even if it was unplanned and not really wanted that much. Because you're still going through this.

It's actually touching that it makes him feel this way. My exh was insensitive when we lost our second, he hadn't wanted kids full stop. But I wanted our baby so much. The few people I told, were insensitive except two.

It sounds like he needs some direction and I don't blame him, we are still not talking about miscarriage and baby loss enough, as women, never mind as people of all gender.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you feel better soon.

FlatPackPat · 06/05/2019 22:15

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

Having read your update with your DHs text I agree that he probably just didn't know what to say and therefore said something truly awful and stupid.

I think his reply was honest and unfiltered and thoughtful. Not to say that you should run in to his arms and forgive him but he sounds like a decent bloke amidst a load of shit that he clearly doesn't feel like he has the right to grieve over.

I'm so sorry about your MCs and I agree with your DH that you're amazing for keeping it together.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/05/2019 22:18

He was an idiot. But his message was really honest.

You should both sit and have a cuddle and a cry about how absolutely shit the situation is and that it is completely utterly not fair

ferntwist · 06/05/2019 22:20

So sorry for your loss. You sound very strong and controlled and I’m not surprised you expected more support from DH today.

Cheeringmeup · 06/05/2019 22:22

Your husband is actually lovely. That message was honest and heartfelt and it made me cry. He’s acknowledged the enormity of what you’re going through and acknowledging his own pain (and how he’s not handled things so well). I think that took courage. I also think you need to look after each other (and your ds), and take some time to decide what’s best, going forward, in regard to any future pregnancies.
I’m so sorry for your loss, that must be horrific to deal with.
However, I think the future with your lovely family looks not so bad x

DannyWallace · 06/05/2019 22:23

So sorry OP. How awful for you, and it sounds so traumatic too Thanks.

What your husband did was so unkind, I would be devastated.
Part of me does this he's redeemed himself a bit with his message. You can still be hurt at what he said, but I think you two need to sit together, have a cuddle and chat/cry/do whatever you need to do.

Be kind to yourself xx

jackio2205 · 06/05/2019 22:24

Im so sorry both of you are going through such a difficult time, I've had one MC and that was horrible, I can't imagine your position.
He was a dick to you, really and truly, however.... you're married, you're both grieving, both stressed, like really what are you going to do, leave him? He was a dick and he knows it, he just needs to absolutely know that he cannot behave like that and treat you like that no matter what his reasoning. He's said sorry and seemingly understands why he's in the wrong which is great, but unfortunately I think anyone would be in shock over that treatment, so will take a little while to heal after that and the MC itself. You two will be fine, he knows he messed up and you sound pretty rational, just give it time!
Good luck and I wish you all the love and joy xxxx

Slicedpineapple · 06/05/2019 22:28

He said something really really really stupid but you are both going through a hard time right now and coping with it in your own ways. Your heads probably won't be in their normal places. I totally understand why you're upset about it, I would be fuming, but you need to sit down together, talk about what you are both going through. Have a cry, have a cuddle, have a glass of something. Neither of you needs to try and be strong for the other one. Be strong in front of your DS and then be there for each other.

So sorry for your loss OP.

KM99 · 06/05/2019 22:28

OP, I'm so so sorry for your loss. I'll never forget flushing our 6 week old baby down the toilet after it all just came out suddenly after a day of waiting. Miscarriages can leave an emotional scar no matter how pragmatic you want to be.

Be kind to yourselves and each other. I think the father's can feel helpless through the experience. My DH cried months later on a night out as he'd bottled down his emotion to be strong for me.

He sounds like a good man who made a mistake and will move heaven and earth for your forgiveness. x

outvoid · 06/05/2019 22:28

Reading the update, he sounds lovely and like he was in shock and had no idea what to say or do. It sounds as though it’s taken it’s toll on both of you, try to go easy on one another and be kind to yourselves Flowers.

So sorry for your loss.

cstaff · 06/05/2019 22:35

He's an idiot but he is your loving adoring idiot. Yeah he said the wrong thing at the wrong time but only because he was as devastated as you but felt he couldn't show it. He obviously loves and cares about you. Call him up and comfort each other. Flowers

Original poster
CharDee · 06/05/2019 22:43

Thank you all for your replies. He genuinely is lovely which is why I was so shocked st what he said.

He has just brought me up a drink and pain killers because he knew I was due to take them. I'd completely forgotten about them. I'm still in pain and feel drained so he just sat next to me and held my hand for a few minutes. When I looked at him he was crying so I cuddled him and had a cry too.

He apologised again and I think he did just say the wrong thing which turned out to be the most stupid thing too. We agreed on business as usual this week but I'm going to have to take a few days off and he's asked me if I'd mind him taking a day or two too. I think he just thinks that it's only ok for me to be upset about it which is starting to worry me and I'm thinking back to all the other miscarriages and remembering him doing absolutely everything for me. Now I'm thinking that he's just buried it all down and he needs to be able to talk about how he's feeling too. He's going to take DS to nursery in the morning then go and get breakfast then we can talk. I told him I don't want to talk about anything else tonight.

Thank you all for your kind words Thanks

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.