Was DH insensitive? Possibly triggering (MC)

[CharDee]

Completely prepared to be told that I'm just over reacting and possibly given the circumstances just over emotional!

I am pregnant or rather was and found out on Friday there was no heartbeat. This isn't my first miscarriage so knew what to expect and went home. I've felt crap all weekend but have been getting on with it. Today I've had really bad pains so knew what was coming.

DS was in the bath and I was sat up on the side with my feet in playing with him when I had a sudden pain and knew that (sorry tmi) I was about to pass the baby. I got down with great difficulty and shouted DH when I stood up I felt something come out and I found it painful to stand so I sat on the toilet next to the bath. Shouted again and had no reply so DS started shouting too saying "Daddy mummy needs help" DS is 4 so doesn't know anything but could see that I was in pain. My phone was on charge so couldn't even call DH to come to the bathroom. I was only wearing a long top because my feet were in the bath with DS so could see when setting down I had blood on my legs. I pulled my knickers down and seen what I expected on the pad. And had to just change pads and put the used pad in the bin.

I carried on shouting and then DH came in and asked what all the noise was about. When I told him and that I'd been shouting he said he'd heard but was watching something so thought we could wait. When I told him what had happened he was like "Oh right ok. Do you still need me then or now it's all done can I go back downstairs now?" I told him that I was in pain and just had to see and put our baby in the bin so needed him to stay with DS in the bath while I had a minute. He just said "But it's not a real baby. It was only 8 weeks so would have just looked like a clump of blood or something."

DH is normally amazing and I never have to ask for help. We share everything with housework and childcare. This is very unlike him but this is the 6th miscarriage I've had over the last 10 years so I'm not sure if he's just tried to switch off because he has never responded like this before.

He's since come and apologised after putting DS to bed. DS is fine and DH just told him I had a poorly tummy which is why I was crying. I feel really hurt by his comments and shocked that he actually said that. He has said sorry for how he responded but then said after so many times he isn't sure what he's supposed to say to make it better.

This pregnancy was unplanned I'm on the pill but obviously it has failed. We were surprised but happy when we found out and were waiting to tell everyone next weekend.

I'm not sure what to say to him now. He's gone downstairs to tidy up and leave me to rest and I don't know if I want him to just come back and hug me or stay downstairs all night. Was he being a dick or was he just trying to minimise things to protect his feelings?

That sounds like a good plan, taking some time off together, you guys will be great, just in time. Don't dismiss the idea of counselling btw, could be good for both of you xxxx

Thank you for the update OP. He sounds absolutely lovely. Treasure him and your little one. Hope it went well today x

It was a cruel thing to say and had he not back pedaled the advice here would've been far more vicious than what was already said. I recommend you both seek grief counseling.

I’m so sorry OP. I expect it’s his way of protecting himself, but that doesn’t make it ok. I’m glad he has apologised, but not surprised you were so hurt. Hope you’re feeling a bit better now

Thank you everyone.

Today has been good. We had a talk this morning and he told me how he knew I didn't want another baby and had accepted that but the last two miscarriages have fucked with his head so he's now thinking about a vasectomy so that this doesn't happen again. I can see that he wants another baby so badly but he can see how much pain I'm in.

We had friends round to watch the match tonight and one of their wives is pregnant with their first so he was talking a bit about names and what they've bought getting excited and he made a few jokes about how it'll be us next, telling us to get a move on. I could just see that hitting DH so I just spoke to the friend in the kitchen (he's DH's best friend) told him what had happened and that I wasn't upset with him and he couldn't have known but just said that DH is having a hard time getting back to the idea that I just want DS.

His friend is the sweetest and just went back in the room with 2 beers. Gave one to DH and just said "I can't wait for you to be my kids uncle. He's gonna be the luckiest."

DH said after they all left (and we calmed down after the match!) that we might not be having more but there's so much to look forward to with DS and we're going to see him and our friends' kids all grow up together.

I feel much better today. I think I'm going to have the rest of the week off and see how I am next week. DH has told his boss who has told him to come back to work when I'm ok.

I know as women we go through so much shit when something like this happens but men need to feel like it's ok to show how they are feeling too. He's been amazing up until last night and since then has gone right back to amazing.

I can't get over him hearing you shouting for help while you have your ds in the bath and not coming. I don't think a nice text message would make that ok for me.

Dear @CharDee
Your posts made me cry. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and your DH again. This must be unbearable for you both, and still having to carry on for the sake of your son, working and living life with friends and family as normally as possible on the outside and inside your home.

Yes your DH behaved so badly and that must have hurt you so much and scared your son. I can only think he buried the part of himself that could be hurt by what was happening so he didn't have to deal with what you were going through- even if you had to and were so distressed.

I'm glad he gave you an honest apology and showed you that he was not completely uncaring - there's hope in that for you both. I'm glad he's believed you don't want to go through these traumatic experiences any more and is, unprompted, considering a vasectomy.

I know that sometimes there are knee-jerk reactions both on MN and IRL to call for counselling but I do think you might both benefit from this together - even though you are now talking together just yourselves.

My very best wishes to you, your DH and the son you have been blessed with for a wonderful future together. 🌹

My deepest condolences to you and your DH, I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through

I don't want to start a new thread so hopefully some of you are still around.

While DH was out for a run this morning I used his laptop. This is completely normal, we use each others whenever we need to.

The pages he last visited were still up. He's been looking at adoption and fostering. When he got home I asked him why he'd been looking and he said that he understands why I don't want to have another baby but he really wants to have another child and thought we could just explore other options.

I asked him if me not wanting any more children was a deal breaker for him and he didn't say no straight away. He just kind of thought for the longest 10 seconds ever and then said "It's not no, but I think we should talk about it a bit more."

I just said that now isn't the best time to talk about it because it's all still so raw. He said he got that and that's why he was just looking at stuff and hadn't mentioned anything to me.

I don't want to be pregnant again. I've not even thought about adopting but think fostering wouldn't work for me because I've worked with looked after children in the past and it was so hard. I know that sounds selfish but I don't think I'm strong enough for it.

How do people deal with this when one person wants more children and the other doesn't? Would counselling help?

I think you both would benefit from counselling, both as individuals and as a couple.