Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be feeling extremely annoyed today about judgemental women ref parenting

38 replies

TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 06/05/2019 15:00

Why are women so catty?

I've read two threads on here now discussing parenting techniques (or rather criticising them).

I've been thinking about this a lot this week too, but this had pushed me over the edge in annoyance.

I feel that many mums seem to feel like they have to make excuses for what they do and I'm tired of it. Nobody owes anybody and apology or explanation.

Example 1: I was in a lift with my toddler ds and another woman with similar aged baby chomping on a big plain baguette. I smile at her. Mum quickly says "oh if she'll eat it, she can have it!" I wasn't asking for an explanation as to why her daughter wasnt eating vegetable crudites.

Example 2: at a stranger's house, her primary age kids were watching post school movie. She immediately jumped in and explained that they were just watching it as they needed to be kept occupied and contained in the one room for a little while.

I'm not judging these women at all, I'm just upset that they had to make what im sure were excuses, even if they were light hearted reflexive ones. (I really feel this us what was happening in both scenarios).

Here come my controversial theory..... if maternity leave and paternity leave were equal, as in some other countries (Denmark.... you can see groups of men hanging out having coffee with their babies) then there would be a whole lot less judgement and insecurity.

I shouldn't let it get to me but other recent experiences of cliquey, downright rude mums in baby groups had got me thinking that really, many of them are no different to a bunch of teenage school girls.

Cant we all just get along and support each other?!

OP posts:

Di11y · 06/05/2019 15:07

I totally agree, but would possibly be the tv mum, knowing the movie isn't want I'm ideally wanting to do with my kids so defending it to myself by defending it to you.

CallMeOnMyCell · 06/05/2019 15:11

Completely agree! I often find myself almost apologising is someone innocently passes comment on something my DD is doing or asks me a question about her. I’m always on the defensive which is so silly as no-one has ever actually criticised me (to my face )

TinyGhostWriter · 06/05/2019 15:18

Interesting post

Example 1- I would have inferred that the mum was happy for her child to eat the baguette from that comment.

Example 2- Many parents wouldn’t want to be perceived as using a TV all day, however I think women are more inclined to be apologetic about their decisions than men. I

With regard to maternity leave- there are options for shared parental leave here in the uk.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 06/05/2019 15:43

To an extent. But we also have a culture in the UK of living through our children which you don't for example have in the Netherlands.

And the fact that people use "parenting" as a verb, which stems from the point above - they want to be able to claim that their fabulous parenting has produced amazing children.

What's wrong with eating a baguette, by the way - am I missing something?

Original poster

TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 06/05/2019 15:49

Sadly even with shared parental options, they (and the general culture) cannot even be compared to sweden/Denmark. I personally dont know any men on equal paternity leave to their partners, and for my husband to have done so wouldve been financial suicide (though we are very happy with our set up).

Ref baguette... if it explains a bit more, it was a foot long with nothing in it. I personally was pretty jealous

OP posts:

outvoid · 06/05/2019 15:52

I agree. I think SM is to blame for much of it. So many people try to make their lives appear to be perfect on there, it leads to far too many insecurities.

managedmis · 06/05/2019 15:54

Totally agree.

Since having kids I'm a lot less judgy.

Dana28 · 06/05/2019 16:30

Maybe you had a disapproving look on your face

MouseTheDog · 06/05/2019 16:36

Yeah, men are so much better than women aren’t they? Great point!

Bibijayne · 06/05/2019 16:39

I wish we had more time to share. I've just finished nine months, my husband has three. We have a bit of my A/L to overlap this month and part time a bit next month. Ideally we'd have up to 18months to divide between us like in Canada. Baby boy is getting separation anxiety and it's going to be tough on us all next month. If we could have overlapped a little more (DH has nine months too) I think my transition back to work would be easier.

Siameasy · 06/05/2019 17:00

Social media, particularly Instagram. Lots of women making a living from telling other women how to bring up their children. Competitive parenting. You feel like a failure if your child has plastic toys, likes Disney, uses a jumper op, had a chocolate Easter egg rather than a wooden one, eats freezer food, doesn’t love going outdoors in the rain or watches TV.

I’m not sure what people think will happen if a child watches TV now and then, provided the TV is age appropriate.

Dads don’t seem to care about any of it

Siameasy · 06/05/2019 17:02

*jumperoo

Original poster

TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 06/05/2019 17:03

Mousethedog.... I wasng saying that at all, but the tone of your post has simply reinforced my point

OP posts:

Cheekyfeckery · 06/05/2019 17:04

IME women aren’t catty.

Parenthood brings out our most sensitive insecurities.

Just mind your own business and ignore the rest.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 17:05

there would be a whole lot less judgement and insecurity

Hm. Why are women more likely to be insecure than men?
Because men are naturally more competent and secure in their abilities?

Or because our position in society means we’re more likely to be apologetic and feel put down? And to put ourselves down.

The solution to this isn’t paternity leave (I think that’s a separate issue and I think there should be an equal entitlement) it’s to comprehensively rearrange society so that men and women are viewed equally.

OKBobble · 06/05/2019 17:07

All going well aout how you weren't judgmental at all and then went into a cliche judgment about cliques!

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 17:10

I wasng saying that at all, but the tone of your post has simply reinforced my point grin

Why so?

howabout · 06/05/2019 17:11

Completely disagree with your theory on parental leave. Not many babies tucking into baguettes and watching after school movies for a start.

Where I live the playground is already 50/50 male female at pick up time. When I had my older 2 almost a decade earlier it was nearly all female. No noticeable difference in parenting. The less time parents of either sex spend parenting the more judgemental of themselves and others they tend to be ime.

tor8181 · 06/05/2019 17:14

try parenting differently and see people reaction then

ive never been bothered about what people though ive always done what i want and whats best for our family and with 2 kids with multiple disabilities each you get that you dont give a shit on what people think or looks

ive always followed gentle/attached parenting and we also home educate so in the eyes of society we are different

our way of parenting is 100% opposite to the majority of everyone else and they just dont understand it

just because its different doesn't meant its wrong

Original poster

TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 06/05/2019 17:21

How is my observing

How is my observation of a group of women at a playgroup being downright rude in any way judgemental? Were you there?

I see I'm going to be attacked here on my views, I guess I had it coming posting in the first place.

Women are generally more liable to judge, gossip and be bitchy compared to men. I dont care what anyone says, it is a fact. There are exceptions to that rule, men are nowhere near perfect and neither do I claim to be, but anyone who thinks otherwise must live in a very different society to me.

OP posts:

Baloonphobia · 06/05/2019 17:24

I think it has more to do with the proliferation of internet forums such as this than an increase in judgement. People in the village etc always judged others but behind their backs, prob not to their faces. Now people put their parenting on-line for strangers to see. No surprise that anonymous strangers critisize.

Baloonphobia · 06/05/2019 17:26

Are people less critical in Denmark?

pikapikachu · 06/05/2019 17:29

I don't think that paternity leave is the answer but I think that some women could do with a more "male" attitude of Mind-your-own-business and don't-give-a-fuck-what-other-dads-are-doing. Social Media and parenting books mean that (primarily) women are less able to parent on instinct as they are told the "correct" way to parent. The people you've met clearly lack the confidence to let their kids watch a movie or eat a baguette which is sad. There are lots of women ready to tear down other women when we should be building them up. Motherhood is exhausting without worrying what others think and most mums are doing a good job.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 17:30

I see I'm going to be attacked here on my views, I guess I had it coming posting in the first place

Um. No one has attacked you.

Women are generally more liable to judge, gossip and be bitchy compared to men. I dont care what anyone says, it is a fact

It’s not a fact.

Baloonphobia · 06/05/2019 17:32

Just because you think something doesn't make it a fact.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread