DH put himself before DS

[CrunchyCrumpet]

Looking for some perspective here so I'm anticipating this could go either way!

DH started fasting today (Ramadan) and works nights, I'm not Muslim. DS0 woke at 4am and got back to sleep at 7am, I have to leave at 7.45am to get to nursery for 8am. DH works reduced hours in Ramadan (9-1am). I suggested that we let DS0 sleep and then DH takes him into nursery as he woke so early. DH refused to take him giving needing sleep and no water as the reason, so I ended up waking DS up and taking him into nursery. It's a 20 min journey there and back. AIBU to be annoyed? It's his choice to fast...I'm normally considerate but in this instance I don't see why he couldn't suck it up and then sleep when he got back.

DH refused to take him giving needing sleep and no water as the reason
Yet he can manage to go to work!

Tell him that whilst he's free to pick and choose which bits of his religion he wants to follow he is NOT free to use that as an excuse to opt out of parenting.
Funny how his religion wasn't important when it came to having a relationship - and child - with someone outside his religion.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish hypocrite.
Fasting doesn't stop people from working a full week -he only needs to look at all the labourers on building sites in the arab emirates for proof of that.

He finished work at 1am and you want him to stay up to take your child to nursery?

Sorry but I think you should be taking your son. Presumably if your DH works nights you work days so wake up in the mornings?

No way would I expect anyone to stay awake for that long to take a child to nursery.

This isn't an issue of Ramadan so much as an issue or what's practical.

Yet he can manage to go to work!

He's arranged his hours so he's working after sunset meaning no fasting while at work as the time to break fast is after 8:30 pm.

'You can't pick and choose what bits of the religion to follow'

Yawn. This is so boring. Why do you care how people practice their religion, or choose not to? Do you think you get extra holy points if you police people's faith?

MadCatEnthusiast
I grew up in a muslim household, believe me - fasting doesn't stop you from working (most jobs) or parenting.
Of course, it's usually always the woman who carries on as normal despite fasting whilst the men use it as an excuse to get away with anything they want - especially when they're with a non-muslim because it's a lot easier to manipulate them by claiming they don't 'respect' the hypocrites religion....

Of course you can pick and choose what parts of the religion to follow! It’s your choice. You can often find back up from ‘religious scholars’ for Islamic related issues.
Don’t want to wear hijab? Plenty of ‘evidence’ to say it’s not required.
Finding fasting difficult? Give the required donation to charity and fast when it’s easier in winter etc etc.

Not enough information to decide if OP is being unreasonable but yes following a religion is a choice and up to the individual how much they subscribe to (even with external pressure from family or church leaders, it's still a choice).
If the DH is choosing to do Ramadan then there may well be adjustments because while many people can carry on with their jobs as usual, there may well be some jobs or activities that become riskier when the people carrying them out are extra tired or dehydrated.

@SavingSpaces2019

I know and I agree with you as I too live in a Muslim household so have seen the men take the piss but my point was he’s not even working whilst fasting so it’s not about that. He’s using it as an excuse to be lazy

Depending on his commute, he’d be home before the early breakfast and morning prayer and effectively fasting whilst he’s at home.

Should he have taken DC to nursery? Probably depending who was up.
Should he used Ramadan as an excuse? No.

I'm not Muslim but I thought Ramadan was to do with fasting during the hours of daylight?
If he works nights, why does he need to work reduced hours?
Does he have a job that means he can't eat while he works?

Is he going to prepare the iftar, or just eat it when his wife makes it?

It's definitely BU to not help out with one small thing, especially as he the rest of the day before work to sleep and do whatever.

Goodness, thanks for everyones responses so far it's really quite mixed.

To answer a few queries...Until about two weeks ago DH used to wake up when DS did and would look after him in the day whilst I was at work. DS started nursery and I now take do the drop off/pick up. DH finished earlier than normal last night (12am), his normal shift would be from 7pm until anywhere from 2am to 5am.

To be fair DH is a bit of a sleep monster normally, the fasting excuse was a bit of a red herring in some ways as I suspect even if he wasn't fasting he would have said no. I didn't really get why waking up for around 40mins max when he had the rest of the day to sleep was such an issue, especially when DS would have easily slept until 9am given he was awake at 4am.

Also some posters noted my use of the word choice, everything in life is a choice. Fasting is a pillar of Islam, therefore if you follow it fully then yes of course it's best if you fast however as with anything it's up to you what you actually do...

DH also sleeps around 2/3am so wouldn't have stayed awake until 8am, funnily enough he probably would have taken DS if he had stayed awake

I'll be honest (as someone who is in the middle of night shifts at the moment) - waking up for an hour in the middle of your sleep to drive somewhere is not really safe, and once you are awake it's really hard to get back to sleep.

If your child needed to be taken somewhere at 2am and your husband was leaving at that time but then said 'let him sleep you can get up at 3am then go back to bed' would you see that as reasonable? I expect not

I think the fasting is a side issue

@iolaus DH has no issues falling back to sleep once awake, it's a skill I truly envy! He'd fallen back to sleep with DS at 7am so already had a solid 5hrs which is as much as I get each night. He seems to need 10hrs sleep though this may be because of the nights

I always look for updates on threads so wanted to let you know I spoke with DH last night and was pretty sheepish about it. He apologised and said if it happens again then of course he'll take him Thanks all

you will need a perspective from your DH faith, I think.