To ask what ?doula? ‘help’ is needed post birth of dc#2

[AquaFaba]

Morning

I’m currently a mum to DC#1 who will be aged 2yrs at the time of DC#2’s birth in September, and would appreciate some advice on how best to adjust to having 2 small children and getting through those first few tiring weeks.
Is a doula a good idea?

I’m currently a sahm and have established a good routine with DC1.
We have classes 3 mornings a week (incl swimming lessons) and are back home each afternoon for his nap. I fit in all housework/chores/admin around this and prepare supper for my DH and I so that once DC1 is in bed asleep at 8, we have a couple of hours of grown up time together.
It works for us, and I like feeling on top of things. (I know, I know!)

DH has suggested we get some ‘help’ for the first few weeks post DC2 birth - possibly a doula - but I don’t know what help I will need, or what is reasonable to ask of someone. What does a doula do?

I intend to have another CS so will be a bit fragile for a couple of weeks, but on basis of 1st time around, was up, about and doing lots after 2 weeks. I also intend to BF again (did 5 months first time), so do realise long extended periods sitting on sofa with DC2 will be difficult with a hyperactive toddler wanting to go out.

I am really bad at asking people to do things/their job within a domestic sphere. Ironically, in my previous work life, I had no problem being assertive, but feel ?embarrassed? doing the same when it comes to cleaning and domestic chores.
I’m very hands on.

I’m the kind of person who cleans up before the cleaner arrives, do all our laundry, so what I don’t want to happen is to hire a doula and then find myself making cups of tea and doing household chores while they look after DC2.

Ideally, I think I want someone to :
1/ help me during the mornings so that they take DC1 out for 3/4 hours and continue his classes as normal.
The one ‘tricky’ class we have is swimming as it not only involves a real slog of dressing/undressing, but needs an adult to go in the water with DC1. Is this something a doula does?

2/help with ironing, unpacking dishwasher, feeding and clearing up DC1 food
Is this reasonably something a doula would do? I ask as when I’ve hired ad hoc babysitting help so that I can get hair cut etc, I’ve come back to find uncleared plates left by sink.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how best to bridge the first few weeks when I know I will be really tired.
Thank you!

Sounds more like a mother's help role than a doula I think?

Like a temporary, shared care nanny.

I think doulas just help you give birth. That’s it. They are not au pairs

Ok I just re read your post
You are asking about paying someone to do the role of your husband?!!
What you list is all what your husband on paternity leave would do. Why are you trying to pay someone to do that he can do?

Post partum doulas are more for newborn education / support. it sounds like you need a bit of home help rather than a doula ( which would be more useful for an inexperienced mother which you aren't).

You'd be better off to employ an aupair to come and look after your DC, take to classes etc. They would also do light housekeeping.

PookieDo: yes, DH will do that (he’s great, very hands on) but will likely be only able to take 1 week’s paternity leave.

Sounds like you need a Mother’s help. A doula would be more associated with helping you recover and with the newborn.

Thank you; really appreciate the feedback here pointing out that I need a mother’s help.

The help you need is the other parent. So, that first week your dh can just take your dc1 out and do the chores you need help with. Once his paternity is over, can he help in any way at at all? When we were in that situation, dd2 slept in a room with me, and dh slept in the room next to dd1. When dd1 woke up at 6, he looked after her till he went to work at 9. So, I just had dd2 and we just stayed in our room until 9. That 6am-9am help was invaluable, as after a night of broken sleep, often the best sleep I had was 6am-9am and having to get up at 6an with dd1 would have been hard.

Hi Op,
I'm a postnatal supporter and offer exactly those kind of services. If you have a local Facebook group you could always put an ad on there? Possibly a nanny or Mothers help who's between jobs may be interested? Or if you're in the South Bucks area feel free to pm me 😁

Even if it’s one week everything will change and he needs to take some of this load from you permanently

Also, you could consider a nursery for a few hours a day for dc1. My dd1 was in nursery for 15 hours per week (luckily a continuation of a work perk), when dd2 was born. She did 10-3, 3 days a week. Dd1 loved nursery anyway, but what was lovely was I was able to properly focus on dd2 for a bit. Give her a proper breastfeed without being interrupted was bliss!

What you list is all what your husband on paternity leave would do. Why are you trying to pay someone to do that he can do?

If you had the funds why wouldn’t you! I’d be up for paying someone to do the drudge and chores like a flash!! If that’s their job and you’re paying them surely everyone’s a winner.

Marscapone - drudge and chores, yes, pay a cleaner. But, looking after your own child for a few hours, so mum can focus on new born, lots of fathers, rich or not, would like to do that. In fact, for us, dh and dd1, forged a really good bond in that first few months when dd2 was born, that has remained since.

I don’t see why OP should be the one stressing and breaking her back about it. She’s now also got to basically interview someone to look to employ them spend time with her very small DC to lighten the load. While DH is.... what? Do you already have a cleaner OP as you mention this in your post.

Get DH to take your ironing to an ironing service. That can be one job he could surely do. He can also help with the dishwasher, cooking and laundry

That is what struck me that OP is looking for an employee really to spend time with the DC!
No issue with cleaning or ironing being paid for

You can’t do swimming lessons with a toddler and a new born if you need to be in the water. Knock it on the head and take them yourself at weekends.

I would probably move the class to a weekend too

I think from this point on, this thread could go one of two ways without some further input from the op.

Either posters will assume your dh is trying to outsource his role as he can't be arsed under the guise of help, and people will respond to that.

Or maybe he can't help as he works 16 hours a day and you need the money, so people responding to that projection will respond with what help you should outsource.

So, op, how much can your dh be around?

You need to find a mother's help.

Just to put your mind at rest though regarding the first few weeks the newborn sleeps loads and you can carry on as normal spending time with your toddler. When breast feeding my 4 I just sat on the floor doing puzzles and reading books, or sofa and some TV. I also was haapy to feed in the car or in a corner of the park whilst toddler played.

It's when the second one gets mobile and sleeps less in the day it gets quite tricky dragging them along to clubs and activities.

I was also going to say you will have to stop the swimming. You can't get in the pool when you have a newborn to also look after.
I know it seems like it will be really hard, and it's not easy but new borns do sleep a lot and you just get on with it. You might not be able to cook a full meal for your husband every night.

You have to lower the expectations. I’m now 8 weeks in to number 2 and the juggling is hard. For most things the baby has gone in the sling and we’ve managed to ke p the toddler’s activities going. I think you need to move swimming to a weekend though. It will probably unsettle your little one to have a stranger in with them and it isn’t really fair. Starting nursery (although a tricky time with new baby) would give you 1:1 time and give the toddler some structure. You could also then outsource ironing, get meals from Cook and try to ease the load rather than hiring someone to do a mix of childcare and house stuff.

Do swimming at the weekend/get DH to do it/forget it for a bit.

Accept that a newborn may screw up any established routine for a bit. Lower your expectations, don't pressurise yourself to maintain the current status quo. You will be frazzled and miserable.

Post-CS with a newborn and toddler surely your DH can cook some meals in the evenings?

When I had my second CS my 3 year old basically watched TV and played inside for a few weeks on weekdays. DH took him out and about at the weekend, he couldn't take paternity leave as he runs his own business but did enough housework to keep us ticking over.

I get that having two feels a bit scary right now. I felt the same but we all coped, couldn't have afforded to employ anyone though even if we'd wanted to.

Only get someone in if YOU want or need it I'm just a little bit because it was your DH that suggested it.

Swimming lessons I suggest changing to a tine when your DH is available. Once DS2 came along we switched to Saturday's as it's not possible to go in the pool when you have a baby.

I agree you need to lower your expectations. With 2 young DC you need to set a whole new routine you can't expect the old one to work. Both DC may not nap at the same time and then DS1 will drop his nap. Get a sling this helped me deal with DS1 getting lunch, toliet as he got a bit bigger, toddler classes etc while keeping DS2 out of trouble, asleep, happy !

To clarify, DH is v hands-on when he is present at weekends for childcare (and household chores) and also did/will do late night expressed milk bottle feeds for newborn so that I can sleep. He does pull his weight!

But, realistically, he has a senior role and is out the house from 07:15>19:00pm. So, yes, he can (and does) do bath/bottle/bed routine, but we both want to find a way of muddling through to ensure that I’m not too exhausted, can devolve the household stuff to spend continuity time with DC1 and bonding time with DC2.
I also don’t want him going into work feeling super stressed or exhausted!

Thanks for all the suggestions; v much appreciated.

My, very rich, friends outsourced absolutely everything that wasn't directly related to bonding with their children. They had a day nanny, and a night nanny, every day, whilst the mother was there too. (And a cleaner etc).
So, as an example, she bottle fed. The nanny would shop for the formula, clean the bottles, make the milk, everything involved, with the exception of actually giving the milk to the baby. So, my friend would pick up her baby, be handed milk from the nanny, feed baby, then hand the dirty empty bottle back to nanny.