To ask what ?doula? ‘help’ is needed post birth of dc#2

[AquaFaba]

Morning

I’m currently a mum to DC#1 who will be aged 2yrs at the time of DC#2’s birth in September, and would appreciate some advice on how best to adjust to having 2 small children and getting through those first few tiring weeks.
Is a doula a good idea?

I’m currently a sahm and have established a good routine with DC1.
We have classes 3 mornings a week (incl swimming lessons) and are back home each afternoon for his nap. I fit in all housework/chores/admin around this and prepare supper for my DH and I so that once DC1 is in bed asleep at 8, we have a couple of hours of grown up time together.
It works for us, and I like feeling on top of things. (I know, I know!)

DH has suggested we get some ‘help’ for the first few weeks post DC2 birth - possibly a doula - but I don’t know what help I will need, or what is reasonable to ask of someone. What does a doula do?

I intend to have another CS so will be a bit fragile for a couple of weeks, but on basis of 1st time around, was up, about and doing lots after 2 weeks. I also intend to BF again (did 5 months first time), so do realise long extended periods sitting on sofa with DC2 will be difficult with a hyperactive toddler wanting to go out.

I am really bad at asking people to do things/their job within a domestic sphere. Ironically, in my previous work life, I had no problem being assertive, but feel ?embarrassed? doing the same when it comes to cleaning and domestic chores.
I’m very hands on.

I’m the kind of person who cleans up before the cleaner arrives, do all our laundry, so what I don’t want to happen is to hire a doula and then find myself making cups of tea and doing household chores while they look after DC2.

Ideally, I think I want someone to :
1/ help me during the mornings so that they take DC1 out for 3/4 hours and continue his classes as normal.
The one ‘tricky’ class we have is swimming as it not only involves a real slog of dressing/undressing, but needs an adult to go in the water with DC1. Is this something a doula does?

2/help with ironing, unpacking dishwasher, feeding and clearing up DC1 food
Is this reasonably something a doula would do? I ask as when I’ve hired ad hoc babysitting help so that I can get hair cut etc, I’ve come back to find uncleared plates left by sink.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how best to bridge the first few weeks when I know I will be really tired.
Thank you!

With a 2 year old and a c section you definitely need more help than your DH can manage around work.

If you want to look for someone to help with your child you need to look soon not in September, this is for the simple reason that your DC1 doesnt know this person and a new baby appearing/new childcare provider could go horribly wrong. A new child arriving for a 2yo is a big deal, which is why people (me) are saying your DH should be the one to help in the main because your DC knows him and will feel comfortable. Same with swimming. You can’t just send someone else in with your DC who they don’t really know.

If you want someone to help with your house then that is easily arranged and less stressful. But your DH could help you with rearranging your schedule and taking on some chores: senior or not he could drop and collect ironing.

There is nothing wrong with having a home help but your schedule will probably change, you can’t expect your DC1 to want to go with the new person as they may want you. It’s a juggling act and DC1 will need your attention too, so things will probably change. I have a 22 month gap between my DC and I don’t think DD1 wanted to trot off with someone else to classes 2 weeks after I had no2, she wanted to be with me

PookieDo: thanks for the suggestions. Absolutely agree we ought to start looking now for outside help.
But I’m afraid asking my DH to reduce his workload/working hours just isn’t going to work for us.
When he is present, he’s great, but I’m afraid his working life means that he needs to focus on that once his paternity leave is up.
I don’t have an issue with that; I’m more focused on finding a solution that works with all our needs. Thanks again

If I were you I’d be getting paid help for all the household stuff - rather than the childcare as you don’t want to DC1 to feel pushed out... Unless as a PP suggested you give them plenty of time to get to know them before the baby arrives. So, cleaner once or twice a week, laundry service etc. I found it easy and enjoyable to take both kids to groups as the littlest would just be in the sling/ carrier but I’d say groups that are a bit more flexible/ drop-in are better as it takes the pressure off having to be there at a set time - are there any good church hall type playgroups near you? I’d also take a few weeks off swimming - or switch to a Saturday morning swim maybe so they could do it with your DH?

He doesn’t have to drop or reduce hours to help you shift schedule. Sounds like you are dead set on nothing much changing for him 🤣

He could drop and collect ironing during the week
He could take your child swimming on the weekend
He could cook food on the weekend for you to freeze and use in the week
He could load the dishwasher in the evening
He could put washing on

I leave my house at 7.30 am and return at 6.30 pm (and work at home in evenings) and I manage to run a house with 2 DC

I don’t want to sound unkind but I think you are massively overthinking this. The vast majority of us couldn’t dream of affording to pay for extra help for the first few weeks (although admittedly if I could afford it I probably would’ve done it!). Newborns sleep a lot on and off, it’s really not unusual to take a baby along in a sling or pushchair to your toddlers activities. In fact, I would say it’s important to keep things as normal as possible for DC1 so that they don’t feel pushed out by the new arrival. Batch cook up some meals so that’s one less thing to worry about, and perhaps pay a cleaner so you can forget about that for a while too.