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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a new engagement ring?

35 replies

journeysendwhenloversmeet · 05/05/2019 20:39

Hello all. This issue is causing big problems between me and DP and would love some perspective.
I have been with DP for ten years and we became engaged six years ago but with buying a house and career changes actually getting married was put on the back burner.
Eight months ago I found out DH was having an emotional affair with someone he works with. He claimed at the time (and still does) that it was never physical but he cared deeply about the OW. I’ll admit I’m not 100% convinced having seen the messages between them.
We broke up for six weeks but I eventually forgave him and he moved back into our house. I removed my ring when he moved out but now he is asking me to wear it again so we can once again be engaged. However I cannot look at the original ring without remembering the awful night I took it off thinking my relationship was over forever. Without thinking about him texting another woman his deepest secrets. It makes my stomach churn.
So here is my AIBU, should he buy me a new ring? To reinstate his dedication to me? As any apology for all the hurt he caused? It doesn’t have to be expensive. Just different!

OP posts:
GlossyTaco · 05/05/2019 20:41

Would a new ring really help?

Gardai · 05/05/2019 20:41

A new ring is the least he could do.
Good luck !

Chickenwing · 05/05/2019 20:41

No YANBU.. return or sell the original ring and use the money to buy another. Win win.

Mayalready · 05/05/2019 20:41

Personally I would have difficulty looking at him never mind the ring but hey ho..
Sorry no help...

Langrish · 05/05/2019 20:42

It’s isn’t a new ring that’s needed.

BogglesGoggles · 05/05/2019 20:43

YABU. If you can’t forgive him for an emotional affair (what you describe is not forgiveness) then don’t get back together again. The ring is a red herring.

arilla · 05/05/2019 20:44

No. The ring isn't the problem here, and won't fix it.

LizzieSiddal · 05/05/2019 20:45

I cannot look at the original ring without remembering the awful night I took it off thinking my relationship was over forever. Without thinking about him texting another woman his deepest secrets. It makes my stomach churn.

Don’t you feel the same when you look at him?

If I were you, I’d get rid of the ring and him.

Neverender · 05/05/2019 20:46

The ring isn't really the issue, it's the fact that you're asking for proof that he cares. And that's valid. If he has done this and can't be arsed getting a new ring for you then (I think) you probably can't be arsed with him. Am I right?

If this is about your self esteem and ehag he thinks of you then I think that's fine. Perfectly valid.

BoomZahramay · 05/05/2019 20:46

A new ring would be like wallpaper over a crack.

Diorissimo1985 · 05/05/2019 20:49

Agree with PP - it's not the ring that's the issue. I'm sorry, been there Flowers

Mumofone1593 · 05/05/2019 20:51

A new ring won't help OP, any ring will remind you he broke your trust Flowers

englishdictionary · 05/05/2019 20:56

I don't place much importance on rings, i rather prefer to prioritise how my DH makes me feel. A ring will not make your stomach curn any less.

wellballstoyou · 05/05/2019 21:02

A new shiny ring won`t mend things. Its just an item of jewellry, a thing.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/05/2019 21:05

I honestly don't think you're over it (quite rightly and understandably) and a new ring won't fix that.

Justgorgeous · 05/05/2019 21:06

This was me 13 years ago and i did get a new ring but he didn’t change. It’s not the ring that needs replacing I’m afraid. 🌸

Chinks123 · 05/05/2019 21:09

Sorry op, been there done that and a new ring doesn’t help I’m afraid. I used to try loads of fresh starts. A new ring, the new year, a new house etc. They don’t help and the problem ultimately is with him.

Drogosnextwife · 05/05/2019 21:09

No I think you should find a new fiancé, not the answer you are looking for but a new ring probably won't help.

hewontstopshitting · 05/05/2019 21:12

I think it’s him that’s the problem, OP

HotChocolateLover · 05/05/2019 21:12

Ditch him OP. Once a cheater always a cheater. He’s dipped his toe in the water (and hopefully just his toe) and found out he can get away with it. He’ll do it again. Please listen. I’ve been there and it’s devastating at the time but you can move on and be happy in the future with someone decent. Don’t waste your time on someone who treats your feelings so poorly.

Shmithecat2 · 05/05/2019 21:19

Unless you are actually going to get married, what's the point in wearing an engagement ring at all?

BackforGood · 05/05/2019 21:51

Yes, YABU.

The ring wouldn't resolve it. Either you are ready to forgive and forget, or you aren't.
If you are, then plan your wedding. 'Being engaged' is the time between you agreeing to get married and actually getting married. A new ring is just going to be a piece of sticking plaster over a crack if you don't work on resolving that , the ring is pointless.

MarthasGinYard · 05/05/2019 21:53

TBH why bother? after all these years you'd have married if you were going to surely??

Tigger001 · 05/05/2019 21:53

Surely if you can't look at the ring, looking at him is an issue.

Why would you need the engagement ring replacing, a new ring doesn't change what he has done and you wouldn't still marry him unless you forgave him, if you have in fact forgiven him, looking at the ring wouldn't be an issue.

Sounds to me like you just want him to pay for his mistake and get you another ring.

I think you need a new man rather than a new ring.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/05/2019 21:56

The engagement wasn't the commitment you thought it was, he proved that. The lack of seeing s date was also an indicator, do you really want him to commit or move to a marriage out of guilt or as an apology? He hasn't married you for six years and if he does now, you'll always wonder if it's only because you caught out.