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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to see my Nan?

29 replies

Happymedium31 · 05/05/2019 20:11

Bit of a back story. Parents divorced when I was young. DF had mental health problems and DM walked away. I lived with DM and my childhood was far from happy. DM had a string of boyfriends and fiancés and put them all before the welfare of her daughter. I was no doubt neglected and emotionally abused. Nan (maternal) is visiting after we’ve had no contact since I was 19. Last conversation I had with her I was told I was a disgrace for being unmarried whilst carrying my first born, she also condoned her daughters behaviour whilst I was growing up and told me I wasn’t her responsibility after recalling a phone call I’d made at the age of approx 9 when DM had left me home alone to go on a weekend away, begging her to help me because I was scared in the house by myself. There’s quite a back story but I spent quite a lot of time with these GPs during the summer where they’d degrade my father for being unwell and control and manipulate me and so on.....
so fast forward 12 years and my DM is now putting pressure on me to meet up with her during a visit using the excuse it may be the last time you see her. The thought of seeing her has thrown up a lot of memories I had kept buried for this time and my heads all the place. I’m really struggling. My DM just doesn’t understand how much damage my childhood has done between her and these GP’s. My DH has said to go and tell DN how I feel and look for answers or some kind of acknowledgement of the hurt and pain they’ve caused. But I don’t know what to do. WWYD?

OP posts:

Mayalready · 05/05/2019 20:13

Give it a swerve, and maybe remind your dm they are both a bloody disgrace?

StoneofDestiny · 05/05/2019 22:43

I'd not go and tell them why - traumatic childhood memories don't have to be relived.

GunpowderGelatine · 05/05/2019 22:47

I've had counselling about a traumatic childhood and one thing I'm always reminded of is that I don't have to forgive people or get over things. Time does not have to be a healer especially in the absence of an apology or even an acknowledgment of what happened. Stay away, these people will not be good for your health

User199999999o9o999 · 05/05/2019 22:49

Stay away and consider doing the same to your mum. They both sound terrible people.

Floralhousecoat · 05/05/2019 22:49

That was heartbreaking to read op. I'm so sorry your dm left you on your own at such a young age.

You really don't need your head messed with l any more by seeing her. Don't go.

Original poster

Happymedium31 · 05/05/2019 23:07

Thank you for your replies. There’s so much more that I could add in but it’s a whole other thread. I’ve definitely realised I need to speak to someone about my childhood. I’ve just kind of buried it instead of addressing it. I’m still harbouring a lot of anger all of these years later from those times, it’s not healthy and I think it’s time to deal with it and put it to bed professionally.

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/05/2019 23:13

How utterly grim that these people weren't the parents/grandparents you deserved.

Absolutely. ..you don't have to see or forgive her...I would be very tempted to tell her the reasons. ..but then I couldn't resist ...

Really hope you've gone on to have a nice life with people you love and who love you

olympicsrock · 05/05/2019 23:14

This won’t do you any favours. Stay clear of these horrible people

Lollypop701 · 05/05/2019 23:15

You don’t have to forget what happened. If you choose to forgive then this may be because you’re moving forward. Do whatever makes you happy/comfortable. You owe yourself happiness op, so make decisions that make sure you are

R2G · 05/05/2019 23:17

That is really sad. Particularly you calling her and being told you're not her problem. You don't owe her anything and even if you didn't see her again and she died. That's OK. She's played her part in your life and it is now in the past. Where you choose to keep her. You don't owe them anything.

tensmum1964 · 05/05/2019 23:19

Any adults whether related or not who could knowingly leave a nine yr old to fend for themselves do not deserve one second of your time.

billy1966 · 05/05/2019 23:19

That's a very sad OP to read. You sound like a great person.
As others have written, you have no need to put yourself through this stress.
Your family sound quite dreadful.
Your priority is to look after yourself and to do everything you can to nurture your soul and to help yourself move forward in your life.
You sound like a great person whom has made a success of her life despite great challenges. Well done.
You should be very proud of yourself.

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 05/05/2019 23:20

Definitely NBU - stay away and tell your (D)M if she keeps going on about it you will go NC with her too. She’s lucky you still see her! I speak from experience and have been NC with parents and siblings for around 18 years. Childhood trauma is horrific and I know your DH might mean well, but you DO NOT need to face up to them and say anything other than NO. By all means look into counselling but avoid this meet up - your Nan will still be the same person and could even cause more upset if you saw her. You don’t owe these people anything - look after yourself.

Dropitlikeitshot · 05/05/2019 23:22

I don't waste time on people who don’t enhance my life, that’s goes for family too. Blood means nothing when they treat you like a burden or scum.
Pass, and if your ‘D’M isn’t happy, then I’d consider passing on your relationship with her too.

KM99 · 06/05/2019 09:28

You owe these people nothing. You owe yourself everything.

I see where your DH is coming from, but do you expect you would receive any form of apology? And even if you did, would it be enough?

They neglected and abused you. That is (and always will be) their fault. But you get to make the decisions now and you don't have to do a damn thing you don't want to.

MadameJimJam · 06/05/2019 09:46

I understand what your husband is saying, but I would only go for that option if you really feel like you want to. Yes, they were shite people who failed you massively when you were young and vulnerable, but your chances of getting them to acknowledge that are really quite low. They are more likely to try to justify themselves and victim-blame you... because that's what shite people do, unfortunately. You might walk away from the conversation feeling worse rather than better.

You don't owe either your mum or your nan a meeting or a conversation. And you don't need their participation in order to seek 'closure'. Of course it would be nice if they genuinely acknowledged the damage they've done, and showed some remorse, but I wouldn't be holding my breath for that. You would almost certainly be better off talking to a neutral professional who has a lot more understanding of these issues.

NoSauce · 06/05/2019 09:53

She knowingly left her 9 year old granddaughter alone all weekend? Did you tell anyone else about this, teacher, friends parents? Your mother and GM sound despicable OP and I would find it hard to have anything to do with either of them. I’m sorry things were so dreadful for you as a child.

OnlyRealButterWillDo · 06/05/2019 10:00

Think nothing more of the pair of them. IF you feel that you want closure, write your GM a letter telling her how despicable she was to leave an innocent 9 year old alone for days. Tell her that you were never at fault. You couldn't have been. You were a child. Get it off your chest and fuck it, take solace in the fact that this horrible woman may be dead soon.

You do not need family like this. You have your own little family and it's all you need.

kaitlinktm · 06/05/2019 10:01

Just tell her that she is not your responsibility - just as you weren't hers all those years ago. Don't go.

justilou1 · 06/05/2019 10:30

You can tell your mother and your grandmother that she is not your responsibility - or your problem. I am incandescent with rage on your behalf. (I was also neglected as a little girl and am unable to filter)
Go with your intuition. It's undoubtedly correct.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 06/05/2019 10:52

Oh OP I can only second the advice here of do what's best for YOU, NOT them and look after yourself. My heart aches for the little girl you were and I'm sending you a massive hug and hope you can get some professional help to process the shite they did to an innocent child. Fuckers.
plus as needed for you OP.

YouokHun · 06/05/2019 10:55

I think your DH is wrong. These people treated you badly over many years and do not sound like they have any insight at all. If you go along you’ll get no apology, no explanation, no acknowledgement, no answers and no closure.

A bit of self compassion is required - what’s best for you OP? As you say, it would be more helpful to talk to a neutral person (a professional counsellor) to try and come to terms with your past. I don’t know if the following is helpful for you but for counselling you can get a referral from your GP to IAPT (NHS talking therapies) or self refer to your local service. They don’t offer many sessions and the waitlist can be long so an alternative is to look for a BACP accredited counsellor via the BACP database. Alternatively your local branch of MIND may offer low cost counselling.

Original poster

Happymedium31 · 06/05/2019 12:19

Thank you for the replies. I think I will give it a miss and get on with my life as I’ve been doing. The being left alone subject wasn’t a one of occurrence it just so happened that the night I asked for help there was an attempted break in and I was terrified. In terms of people knowing what was going on at that time- yes some people knew. I was caught going through a neighbours fridge looking for food and this neighbour talked to mother but nothing changed as far I remember. The teachers at school were aware of various males picking me up from school and recall a few visits from teachers st home. Again nothing was done. In some ways I felt let down that nobody did more at the time but on the other hand I was conditioned to give certain stories when asked by people as to what was going on at home.
I’ve had counselling in the past and CBT both are easily accessible through my work (ironically acute mental health nursing) so I’m going to make a phone call to our team and see if I can access something that’s going to benefit me. The last few weeks have been difficult going over things and the emotions. Anger, sadness, bitterness etc and you are all right I just need to concentrate on the people that support me and love me and no longer grieve for the childhood I lost. Thank you all for your kind words.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 07/05/2019 03:00

Definitely your boundaries OP... I can imagine how resentful you'd be if you showed up imagining some kind of Disney-like apology and making of amends, and they never happen. Hang out with people who love and support you and make you feel good. Don't let your mother make you feel guilty - she probably wants someone to help cushion the blows her mother deals her. Don't be her whipping post either!!

Gingernaut · 07/05/2019 03:08

YADNBU.

Chances are, if you do see them and confront them, they will minimize the events you describe, deny any wrongdoing and expect you to 'kiss and make up' as it's all in the past.

You're doing the right thing seeking help, too.

Your DH hasn't a clue....

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