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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my friend should be a little more understanding?

42 replies

one1stepatatime · 05/05/2019 12:06

I'm going to try to keep this short, but I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read/reply.

At the start of last year I met my now-ex boyfriend and while things were great at first, he quickly became manipulative. He really didn't like me spending time with my friends/family, and by Autumn of last year I rarely made more than small talk with anyone but him. He'd get so angry when I spent time with anyone else even if it was just for an hour - mostly he was just verbally abusive but sometimes it was physical and he also broke my phone and stopped me from buying a new one. It got to the point where I was really too scared to make small talk with anyone but him for fear of how he'd react.

I broke up with him in January and thankfully the majority of my relationships with family/friends have returned to normal and they've welcomed me back with open arms. However, one of my friends told me yesterday that she feels like I abandoned her while I was with him and it made her feel like I don't love her or care about her because I chose a guy over her. I told her that I never loved him more than I loved her, but I was more scared of him than anything. I told her what he'd do to me when I did talk to her (the things I mentioned in the last paragraph), and she said that she doesn't understand why that made me stop talking to her. She says that how he made me feel was no excuse to not be there for her and that she can't wrap her head around how his actions meant I stopped talking to her. To be specific we never stopped talking completely, but we used to be very close, and once he made it clear how little he liked me talking to her, I mostly just made small talk with her or would only talk to her every few days or when I was 100% sure he wasn't around and wasn't going to find out.

Of course I wish I had never stopped talking to her and I hate that I missed out on months of her life and I feel awful that she can no longer trust me, but at the same time, AIBU to feel like she could be a little more understanding of my perspective? Or am I totally out of line expecting her to forgive my actions to some extent just because I was scared of being hurt? Of course I have free will so I understand that I can't blame him for my actions, but equally I wouldn't have acted that way towards her/towards my other friends and family if I hadn't been so scared of him and I never actually wanted to stop talking to her. Either way I'm going to work really hard to prove that she can trust me again and that I do love her, but I really thought she'd be a bit more understanding once I'd explained why I was acting that way but I'm totally prepared to accept I'm wrong.

OP posts:

OldAndWornOut · 05/05/2019 12:10

I think she sounds as if she would like to take over from your boyfriend in making you work so hard.
She has had it explained, how can she not let it go?

funnylittlefloozie · 05/05/2019 12:14

I think your friend is thick as mince, and unkind as well. You "missed months of her life"? Is she 10 months old and hitting developmental milestones or something?

You were stuck in an abusive, dangerous relationship. Where is her empathy for you during this period? I think you would be wasting your time trying to prove how much you love her - its almost replicating the beginning of the abusive relationship with your ex, where you excluded your own family and friends to "prove" how much you loved him.

Accept that this girl isnt the friend you thought she was. Develop your other friendships. Be kind to yourself.

CoraPirbright · 05/05/2019 12:15

God its all about her isn’t it?!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 05/05/2019 12:17

You were jumping through hoops for your abusive ex - don’t jump through hoops for someone who is supposed to be a friend. Any real friend would be so glad to see you out of that situation and lend their support.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2019 12:22

Well, you got rid of a controlling boyfriend, you now need to recognise ba self centered and possibly equally controlling friend.

At the very least she isn't even trying to understand the trauma you have experienced, basically she is just dismissing you and your feelings.

If she only brings negativity to your life you don't actually need to keep her in it!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/05/2019 12:26

Sometimes our actions and choices, whatever the reasons for them, hurt other people.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but as others have said, she's not the person you need her to be. Not all friendships last forever and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just life.

alittleprivacy · 05/05/2019 12:26

Did she suffer a trauma in the time you and she had limited contact? Did a loved one become seriously ill/die? Did she get terrible news about her health? Etc. If so, I can see how she might have been so upset by the limited contact at a time she needed you that she hasn't yet managed to process her feelings around the new information. Not ideal, obviously but I'd give the friendship some time to recover.

If she didn't go through a particularly bad time then she is being selfish and lacking empathy and I'd probably distance myself from her, at least for now. As she is trying to make you feel guilty for something bad that you went through.

Hadalifeonce · 05/05/2019 12:26

Some friend! You would possibly get a beating if you spoke to her, but you're the bad guy for missing 10 months of her life? You really don't need a friend like that.......... "It's all about me" Get rid.

Greenyogagirl · 05/05/2019 12:28

YANBU
I didn’t talk to my childhood best friend for years when I was with my abusive ex. The day I left I rang her and it was like no time had passed, she didn’t even question why I’d ignored her for years bless her.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2019 12:31

Perhaps she finds it hard to trust you now. For someone who wouldn't tolerate what you did in allowing your Ex to control you she may find it hard to understand why you did and she obviously takes it personally.

Quite often we hear of someone who was controlled in this way....but it's harder to understand how a close friend or relative would be the victim.

She may have been going through a tough time and you were making nothing but small talk with her. I'd find a close friend making small talk quite odd. While you say you never loved him, she may on a basic level struggle to compute why you'd do what you did if you didn't love him.

As all of your other relationships are now okay, I would say if this one is stressing you out...then leave it. You survived by keeping her at a distance and will be fine without her.

Original poster

one1stepatatime · 05/05/2019 14:22

@funnylittlefloozie thank you for making me chuckle lol.

As far as I'm aware nothing major (good or bad) happened to her during that time. Thank you everyone for replying and for the knowledge that my behaviour makes at least some sense to other people, but I've never thought of her as a bad friend so I'm honestly not sure what to say to everything else.

OP posts:

PinkGlitter123 · 05/05/2019 14:37

I can understand her initial hurt but now it's been explained you would think she could understand what happened.

Chloemol · 05/05/2019 15:53

Sorry but she is no friend. She should have just been grateful you had seen the light and left him, how she can make those comments after you had told her what he did is beyond me. It’s more important for people to get out of abusive relationships and for her not to understand this and only think about herself is not nice. I think it’s time you let the friendship drift a bit and focus on yourself

Grumpelstilskin · 05/05/2019 16:05

Well, she is not much of a friend and has had an empathy bypass. She should be so happy and relieved for you!

Skiptheskip · 05/05/2019 16:15

So you only told her all this yesterday.

Give her a few days to mull it over.

Maybe some major things did happen in her life while you were off the radar and she doesn’t yet feel she can trust you and open up to you.

Give it a week or so and try and talk to her about it again before you totally write the friendship off.

Passthecherrycoke · 05/05/2019 16:17

I can understand her hurt to be fair- she sounds like she just doesn’t understand the idea of being controlled in a relationship, and I think that’s fairly common amongst people who haven’t experienced it or don’t use something like MN to gain exposure to the idea.

Maybe she’s just a bit emotionally immature? If you want to remain friends I think its worth getting over this

Mimsy123 · 05/05/2019 16:39

@One1stepatatime as difficult as it may seem, you need to move on from your friend. If she doesn’t understand the relationship you were in, she’s not a friend. Or maybe she’s just not very bright. Sorry.

Original poster

one1stepatatime · 05/05/2019 21:37

Thank you again everyone for the replies. I was totally prepared for everyone to say I was being unreasonable so it's definitely given me a lot to think about. I definitely understand her being upset and I would be upset too if my close friend went cold for months, but I didn't expect her to not understand my reasoning at all.

OP posts:

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 05/05/2019 22:47

If she was a true friend, she would welcome you back with open arms, say I’m here to listen if you want to talk about anything, and in future if anything like that happens again talk to me and I will help you.

I’m glad to hear you are okay, that took a lot of courage to end. Please don’t get into a rut with another relationship like this. At the first signs leave, because you now know how things escalate. Always remember- it’s not your fault. It’s him.

Original poster

one1stepatatime · 06/05/2019 09:58

Thank you @SnowyAlpsandPeaks, I really appreciate that, I do know it's him and not me.

My friend said she doesn't want to talk about this anymore because she has a stressful week ahead and she doesn't want this negativity in it, but she's going to tell me when she has time... which makes me feel less secure about our friendship, but at least gives me longer to think over everything.

OP posts:

namechangemyself · 06/05/2019 10:02

I've just come out of an abusive relationship. It's very easy to become isolated from your friends and I can absolutely empathise with how you found yourself in that position. You were suffering from abuse. Simple as that.

If you were suffering from physical abuse and you told your friend that your ex would hit you if you spoke to her, she would probably understand. There are sadly some people out there who don't realise that emotional abuse is a thing and can be as bad, sometimes worse than physical abuse (though each case is different of course).

I'm sorry you went through this. I would suggest distancing yourself from this friend as she seems very self centred and you need support right now as you've been through a trauma.

Kaddm · 06/05/2019 10:06

I’d give her one more chance to understand that you were in a controlling abusive relationship with a man who was deliberately isolating you. If it’s still all about her then I’d just cool that friendship off.

Anothertempusername · 06/05/2019 10:11

People like this aren't friends. I ended a relationship some years ago and the person I thought was my best friend in the world said "you're breaking up the group, you're so selfish". She is no longer a friend! Just move ok from her, OP.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 06/05/2019 11:46

She sounds totally self absorbed! Or just too emotionally immature (or stupid possibly) to understand an abusive relationship. I wouldn't bother too much with her and focus on the people who have understood properly what you've gone through.

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2019 11:52

I'm going to go against the grain here. She was clearly very hurt when you effectively dropped her for your partner. She was not aware of the reasons why at the time, but now she's trying to process why you were unable to trust her enough to tell her you were in dv/abusive situation.

Yes she needs to be more understanding, but right now I'd say it was her hurt talking.

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