AIBU to think my friend should be a little more understanding?

[one1stepatatime]

I'm going to try to keep this short, but I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read/reply.

At the start of last year I met my now-ex boyfriend and while things were great at first, he quickly became manipulative. He really didn't like me spending time with my friends/family, and by Autumn of last year I rarely made more than small talk with anyone but him. He'd get so angry when I spent time with anyone else even if it was just for an hour - mostly he was just verbally abusive but sometimes it was physical and he also broke my phone and stopped me from buying a new one. It got to the point where I was really too scared to make small talk with anyone but him for fear of how he'd react.

I broke up with him in January and thankfully the majority of my relationships with family/friends have returned to normal and they've welcomed me back with open arms. However, one of my friends told me yesterday that she feels like I abandoned her while I was with him and it made her feel like I don't love her or care about her because I chose a guy over her. I told her that I never loved him more than I loved her, but I was more scared of him than anything. I told her what he'd do to me when I did talk to her (the things I mentioned in the last paragraph), and she said that she doesn't understand why that made me stop talking to her. She says that how he made me feel was no excuse to not be there for her and that she can't wrap her head around how his actions meant I stopped talking to her. To be specific we never stopped talking completely, but we used to be very close, and once he made it clear how little he liked me talking to her, I mostly just made small talk with her or would only talk to her every few days or when I was 100% sure he wasn't around and wasn't going to find out.

Of course I wish I had never stopped talking to her and I hate that I missed out on months of her life and I feel awful that she can no longer trust me, but at the same time, AIBU to feel like she could be a little more understanding of my perspective? Or am I totally out of line expecting her to forgive my actions to some extent just because I was scared of being hurt? Of course I have free will so I understand that I can't blame him for my actions, but equally I wouldn't have acted that way towards her/towards my other friends and family if I hadn't been so scared of him and I never actually wanted to stop talking to her. Either way I'm going to work really hard to prove that she can trust me again and that I do love her, but I really thought she'd be a bit more understanding once I'd explained why I was acting that way but I'm totally prepared to accept I'm wrong.

So, having created upset, she is going to leave you to mull it over until she is ready?

That is nasty, selfish and controlling of her.

Just mentally write her off, make no further contact and be ready to laugh at her when she comes back for her second course.

I chose a guy over her
You did do this to her though.
It's all very well giving your 'reasons' but this was just some nobhead guy that you met, and you chose him despite the crap he was giving you.
You didn't value the friendship with her or anyone else enough to stand your ground a lot earlier - because you were more concerned about keeping him.

I've been on the receiving end of this and it certainly made me trust the so called 'friend' less, it definitely made me feel like my friendship was taken for granted.

How are your boundaries? You had an abusive ex, but it took a while for you to realise. It sounds like she is not the best person for you, she sounds quite controlling. Telling you there's a problem but it's not convenient for her to discuss it now, wait til she's ready and leave you upset til then.

I dont think it's anybody's right to expect to be able to pick up and drop their friends at their convenience, for whatever reason. You say that you don't think anything esp good or bad happened to her over the last year but the reality is you don't know, you weren't there.

I think it's fine for her to think carefully about whether your friendship is one she wants to continue.

When my friend was in a controlling relationship I was so angry with her. I know she had her reasons for not leaving, but I could see so clearly as an outsider what an utter knob he was, how vicious and unkind he was and I was utterly bemused as to why she kept choosing him over me. It hurt me deeply. I would give your friend some time.

YANBU. She is BU.

When I was with my abusive ex, he posed as me online a few times. He knew my passwords, controlled our internet connection (he'd often cut me off to punish/control me), and just took my stuff (including my laptop) whenever he wanted.

On one of those occasions, he sent a message to one of my friends/colleagues. I don't remember what he said, but it wasn't very nice. It was obviously not my style of writing.

I explained to her what had happened, and she was angry with me for not stopping him doing it. I'd verbally asked him not to, but she couldn't believe I'd just sat there and "let" him do it.

He'd already deliberately broken my previous laptop, and even if I'd managed to physically stop him that time, he would have had plenty of other opportunities to do it, so it would have been pointless trying.

Some people don't get the sense of hopelessness there is in that situation. That the other party is not someone who can be reasoned with.

I was never particularly close to that friend, but we were never going to be after that, considering her insistence I was at fault, and my upset at her lack of understanding.

Thank you again everyone for your replies.

I told my friend what I wrote here, but with more detail/more explanation (specific things that related to her and stuff that's too personal to share on an online forum), and she said that she couldn't understand, but pretty much everyone here can understand it with just the information on here so I feel like I'm not being unreasonable. I totally understand her being hurt, I would be too if my friend didn't talk to me properly for a long time, just I don't really get what's hard to understand and I'm grateful to everyone for making me feel like it is understandable. I don't necessarily expect her to forgive me, but I just made this thread because I wanted to know if my actions made sense to everyone else or if they only made sense to me.

@rosiejaune I'm very sorry for what he did to you, and your 'friend' is definitely wrong about you being at fault. Reading your post made me think that if the situations were reversed, I would not be reacting like she is. I would be upset if she had put me at a distance for a year, but if she told me the reason she hadn't spoken to me was because she'd get hurt if she did, I would just feel so sad for her and I'd want to remind her what a good relationship looks like. And why would I want her to get hurt just to talk to me? It would seem selfish if I expected her to risk being shouted at or hurt physically in order to talk to me - and I would still be upset about her not being part of my life for a long time, but I'd be much more concerned about everything that had happened to her and how she was doing. I'd put my feelings to the side. But she never even said she was sorry for how he treated me. I think having written this and reading everything people have said, I've realised she's not the friend I thought she was.

just I don't really get what's hard to understand
You dropped her for a man you'd just met.
You CHOSE to stay with him and CHOSE to drop your friend instead because YOU wanted to keep him.
You didn't value her friendship enough to say "my friend means more to me than some guy i've got the hots for who's controlling who i can talk to"
You took the friendship for granted thinking you can just pick up where you left off.

If the situation was reversed i can guarantee you would be feeling some of what she's feeling right now.

I was with a guy who tried this stunt on me - i put him straight right at the beginning when he started huffing and puffing and getting all angsty over me seeing my friends.
I fancied this guy a lot, still fancied him despite breaking up with him after 6 months.
I wasn't prepared to be with someone who thought he could control me and my friendships.

NO MAN (of mine) comes between me and my friends.

Well savingspaces perhaps you are lucky that you haven't experienced an abusive relationship. Victim blaming MUCH.

This guy was doing more than huffing and puffing. Step down from your pedestal...you'll get altitude sickness

Congratulations at breaking away from this abusive relationship.
You explained to your friends.
You say nothing major happened your friend.
Enjoy life, you have been through enough .

I would distance myself from that friendship; after I left an abusive relationship one of my friends made a big thing of being hurt that I hadn’t told her what was happening during it. I tried my best to explain how abusive relationships work and the control he had over me but really my energy had to go on healing and recovering rather than trying to make her feel better.

I think she's entitled to feel as she does and she's not being unreasonable.

Some ppl don't take kindly to being dropped and picked like that. You seem to think she has to accept your explanation and welcome you with open arms. That's not an entitlement you have.

Just as some pp are saying she's not a good ...she may think the same of you for putting her on the back burner for a man you knew for a short time.

Give her space and if you can't...then let go of the friendship.

You may wish to cling on to the views that support you, but it's worth taking note of the alternative views, that may reflect her feelings on the matter.

I agree with Savingspaces. You were a shit friend and although I empathise with you, I would feel much the same. You dropped her for some twat you barely knew who treated you like shit and now you realise he wasn't the man you thought he was, you want to pick her back up again and be instantly forgiven? Nah, life doesn't work like that. You finally got rid of him presumably because he treated you badly. Perhaps she feels the same about you. You ghosted her, probably made her feel worthless like she didnt even matter and I don't blame her for not wanting you back in her life.

Thank you all for replies. @SavingSpaces2019 I'm truly happy for you that you were able to end your relationship at the earliest red flag, I very much wish I had had the courage and love for myself to do the same. However, my staying with him had far more to do with self-hatred and fear than it did with being attracted to him or not valuing my other relationships.

I don't expect her to welcome me back and forgive everything, I know I wasn't a good friend to her during that time - I also think she's 100% entitled to be upset. I just think that if doing X means you get shouted at, physically hurt, and have your things broken, but not doing X means you get treated with love and kindness, it makes sense why someone would chose to do X. For those who don't think this makes sense I would be curious to know why because it would help me understand her feelings more (although, she may not think it makes no sense for the same reason you think it makes no sense). Of course, if someone hurts you for doing something they didn't like, then you should leave them, but if it were easy to leave then no one would ever stay in an abusive relationship. How he treated me does not make my actions forgivable, I just think it makes them understandable.

Abusive relationships damage so much - the victim, their family, their friends, their professional reputations, etc etc.

I can see this from both sides - I have experienced a (small taste of an) abusive relationship, and I understand how quickly your perceptions are warped. And I am very, very grateful to the friends who I confided in who gave me the strength to get out and not look back.

But I have also (sadly) seen friends go through abusive relationships and it is pretty unbearable to witness/support someone through. I have seen bright, beautiful, funny women, having asked for my support through the difficult times when they left their dickhead partner, only to then drop me like dogshit when they were back playing happy families. It is maddening, heartbreaking and draining to watch the cycle of abuse play out, and I can also have the sympathy for a friend who felt like they wanted to express that.

In a way, saying to an abuse survivor "everything you did is wiped clean, don't even think about your actions, the important thing is that you got out" is to rob them of some of the opportunities to learn for the future about red flags that present early on, ie: if you feel that you have to stop seeing people in case your partner gets sad/cross, if you feel you can't be honest with your friends in case they "get the wrong idea" etc. There is a way to say "you cut me out of your life and it was hurtful, if anyone makes you feel that way in the future don't just ignore it" without victim blaming.

Op, I don’t think you need to make the decision of whether you want her to be back in your life, as I think she’s already decided she doesn’t want the friendship. She’s being vague I think as a way of backing off gently. It doesn’t mean she is a horrible person but just that life has moved on for her - maybe she has a new social circle and no longer feels like she needs you in her life. Just move on and make new friends.