AIBU to think I am unfit for existence

[EverythingHap]

I’m feeling awful tonight
I don’t really know how to explain. I suffered a traumatic loss (full term baby died week before due date ) and I have blamed myself for nine years even though I’ve been told countless times that it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t cause it. My family are devout catholics and in my mind - despite not being a believer - I committed the worst sin in allowing my son to die (reasons: I didn’t eat the right food in pregnancy, I didn’t put on enough weight, I was too fat when I conceived, I missed my vitamins, I had sex, I exercised the wrong way, I lifted things....and so much more). I feel like being a better mother could have caused a better outcome, yet a tiny part of me knows that is madness and bad things happen anyway

But every day I fear I’m going to be the cause of another death. I literally feel like a ticking time bomb. I’ve convinced myself that I am incapable of going through life like a normal person and eventually someone else is going to die on my watch.

Honestly - I am bloody awful at life. The other day I fucking stupidly misread a zebra crossing situation and nearly ran a pedestrian over. And recently I managed to leave the gas hob on at home overnight. And so many more stupid errors like forgetting one of my children, my toddler, was wearing a necklace from the dressing up box when I put her to bed, she could have choked to death - It’s inevitable that someone is going to die on my watch. I try so so hard to not be stupid and overlook things. I make lists. I double triple check everything I do, so much so that people say I have OCD. And yet I still am so so stupid and someone is eventually going to die and again it will be my fault. Please help.

My husband is exasperated. He said that I just need to concentrate more to stop making stupid errors - from letting our stillborn son die to all the other stuff. But I really try. It’s just not enough though.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Have you ever received counselling for your huge loss? Heart breaking for you to carry all this guilt.

I can tell you that it wasn't your fault until the cows come home, but you need to know that for yourself. As you don't believe (and there's no reason why you couldn't go to Confession if you want to in any case - religion isn't purely for those who are certain or believe at all), concentrate upon seeing your GP and asking for help in accessing support, counselling and/or therapy, as you've been through something terrible and it sounds as though you're so traumatised - understandably - that you need it.

Unfortunately some babies just don’t make it,and it’s a terrible loss
You must be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve without recriminations
Go see your GP,if you’re struggling to talk write it down or print your op

Forgive yourself .... no don't you did nothing wrong.

Oh sweetheart it really really wasn't your fault. Have you seen a GP? If not please make an appointment for next week.

Also, your DH didn't actually say you need to stop making mistakes like letting your son die, did he? If so you'll need a thread in relationships so we can all help you

Honestly I have had thousands of pounds worse of therapy, medication etc etc. I function. I work hard. I look after my living children and I look normal from the outside. Sane, even. But I’m petrified of killing someone and worse I suppose I feel it’s rational, it’s my rational mind telling me that I shouldn’t be in charge of anyone or anything (cars, stoves, children), that I should just lock myself up to prevent myself harming another human.

Is it possible that I am so utterly utterly inept and stupid that I shouldn’t be allowed to exist without supervision?

Sounds like you do have OCD OP, Pure O. Characterised by intrusive thoughts and compulsions. It’s very common for the thoughts to be worrying you will cause of have caused harm or death to others. Some people with OCD retrace their steps everywhere they go to make sure they can’t see any blood or dead bodies.

There’s hope. There’s treatment. CBT is the most effective for this. You can get it on the NHS at your local iapt if you’re in England. Start the ball rolling Tuesday, ring and self refer. You’re not alone and I’m so sorry that grief has had such a long term impact on your mental health, I truly am.

All of those thoughts and feelings sound like clinical depression. I know that sounds obvious, but it can be important to be able to recognise which thoughts are depression talking and which are accurate.

Everybody makes mistakes in their day to day life, the absent mindedness you have mentioned could also be due to depression.

You are a wothwhile human being who deserves love and support to move forward, you are not at fault for your son's death.

Sweetheart it sounds like you need proper help with this, please be kind to yourself
We will all tell you you are not to blame, I know it doesn't mean anything until you believe it yourself but we are all complete strangers wishing you nothing but happiness and peace
All the best

You poor lass. Your grief is clouding everything. Please see about some counselling. Go to your GP. Tell them what you just said in your post. You need and deserve support. I wish you all the very best. Losing a child messes you up so much. Believe me, I know. It's not your fault

I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who who has severe anxiety I know that feeling of being to blame. Nothing you have done could have caused your tragic loss, I know you have had therapy, have you tried medication? It’s horrible to feel like you do and I know me saying you’re not to blame won’t touch the sides, but really you’re not. Please keep trying to find support through this x

Half my family died in the last five years. It got to the point where I started having irrepressible thoughts about people who were still alive dying. I still do. But really, it’s all in my head. Them dying was just something that happened. My existence was completely irrelevant to their deaths. I know it’s hard, especially when you have young children because you constantly worry about them dying anyway. But it’s really not rational. It is not rational to think that because you have had a still birth that you will kill someone with your car. It’s natural to try to rationalise your fears and is usually helpful in abating them, that is why people do it. But unfortunately are completely irrational. Persist with therapy. It can take a very long time to work through problems. I am sorry for what happened to you but you didn’t cause it

It is not your fault, this is grief talking and you won't always feel like this

Please get some help OP. You had a terrible loss and you are still grieving. Grief is a terrible thing and very different for different people. It can rears it’s head years or decades after the event.

Please don’t blame yourself. Please believe those people that say it wasn’t your fault. None of those factors you’ve listed would cause a baby to die, you were just really really unfortunate. It doesn’t mean that you would cause anyone else to die.

The other things - the clumsiness - are probably caused by you being distracted by grief. You sound like you have OCD and possibly PTSD. You really need some proper help - like others have mentioned CBT is very good for OCD, and there are treatments for PTSD too.

for you, and unmumsnetty hugs.

The thing is I have more or less accepted that I am to blame for my son dying. To the point where it just runs in the background of my day to day life. It’s what else could happen that scares me. And every ‘near miss’ convinces me it is only a matter of time and that history will soon repeat itself and I will be beating myself up for another loss of life. And truthfully the amount of stupid mistakes I make feel far, far greater than the average person. So maybe it’s just inevitable. I try to do everything right but maybe it won’t be enough and I’m just a failure no matter what

I can’t blame the other things on grief. My whole life I have been a walking disaster - clumsy, forgetful, weird. I just feel so unfit for life.

Those incidences are not your fault and are symptomatic of someone needing counselling, patience, love and time.

I did those things.

I almost ran an old man over one morning whilst I was driving to work. Completely misread what was going on there.

I also tried to open the car door, as a passenger, on the way to work. I was in a country lane driving at 60mph.

I needed to give myself some time. I had to take 6 months off work. I was suffering mentally. I had been through a trauma and needed to deal with it.

It is 100% not your fault your baby died. The reason you feel this way is because you are a mother. Your instinct is to protect. And because your baby died you feel like you failed. You didnt. If you didnt feel like this, if you didnt feel this guilt- that would make you a questionable mother. But you do feel it.

I strongly suggest you get some counselling. I strongly suggest you work on some self-care, you sound like you are beating yourself up every second of every day. You sound like you are constantly going over this in your head, even on a sub-conscious level. And that's not healthy.

You will never get over the loss of your little one. But you can improve your mental health and your outlook, which will allow you to function a little better.

I also strongly suggest that you surround yourself with those who will support you and who have no problem telling you over and over again that it was NOT your fault.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but even as a stranger, I know, for a fact, this was not your fault.

I am so so sorry for your loss OP

I wondered if there might be something that you're very good at, that you'd like to share with us? It might be nice to remind yourself that whilst you have a lot of anxiety about some things, that you are very capable in other areas of life.

Is there something you do that teases a smile out of your DCs? Are you an expert at doing the shopping in one mad dash, or maybe making a really nice cup of coffee. I hope you can think of something that makes you smile.

Have you been involved with any baby loss groups in your local area? I've heard of some that are attached to churches, I know you say you aren't a believer but it might help to relieve some of the guilt you feel if you speak to someone within the church.

Oh sweetheart. I couldn't read this and not respond.

You seem to have conflated your poor baby's death - which absolutely WAS NOT your fault, how could it have been? - with being generally a bit crap at life. Maybe you are clumsy and generally stumble through life crashing into stuff and making mistakes. Lots of people are like that and I am one of them. I frequently berate myself at how shit I am at things other people find easy. I am convinced I have dyspraxia and ADHD and perhaps I do. Maybe you do too - who knows? But even if all that were true, it doesn't mean that you are somehow to blame for the death of your child. That is such a worrying and sad thing to have got stuck in your head and I am very sad to think you spend all your days with that conviction operating in the background of everything, like a low level hum. How difficult that must be.

Is it worth going back and having some more therapy, either trauma therapy, EMDR etc, CBT or something else? Would you consider doing that?
I'm so sorry for your loss. It wasn't your fault.

What a heartbreaking post to read. OP, I feel so sad that you're carrying around so much guilt. It must be exhausting for you.

I can echo other posters and state that you are not to blame in any way, shape or form for your baby's death. Nothing you ate/drank/did/didn't do is to blame. It's just one of those things that is completely out of control.

OP, do you have support IRL? A friend that you could confide in? Your husband is "exasperated" - but does he realise how much you are torturing yourself on a daily basis? I really think you ought to seek professional help as you sound like you might have severe depression.

I've left eggs boiling and forgotten them, until a horrible smell reminded me of them. I've left an electric fire on for 3 weeks when we were away, as I'd forgotten I had switched it on and left it on low. I've tipped over a pushchair with my baby in because I hung a heavy item on the bars. My daughter fell down some friends' loft stairs in the dark as she decided to climb them in the dark when she was playing with friends. You know what, I had forgotten all these, because none died. We make mistakes all the time, everyday of our lives, because we are human. Accept that you're not perfect, life isn't perfect, things happen for no reason. Enjoy your life and children because they'll be grown up before you know it. Life's too short to spend time fretting, and in fear. Have some interests outside home, attend classes or have a hobby, and find something new to occupy your mind. And just do it, don't ask permission from anyone, it's your life.

Wait.. what?? Your husband truly believes that you have made a 'stupid error' that has culminated in your baby dying? That's not true. Its just not. That is not what happened.

Of course you feel guilty, you went through something so traumatic and you couldn't stop it and you feel that you should have been able to. I can't promise you that everyone you care about will lead a charmed life and never have an accident or injury. At some point in your life you will experience death again. But you won't be responsible. This crippling guilt and fear is exhausting and making you make more mistakes. Whatever therapy/treatment you have had it seems you need more/different. Try to not multi-task, so you only have one thing to concentrate on at a time. If your DH genuinely blames you, in any way, he needs to address that with a professional as well

Op you are not to blame for your son dying. All the things you listed are things that most mothers-to-be do. MN would have you believe that most women are perfect, social media this the same & this is actually so toxic. It’s REALLY common to feel like your an ‘incompetent’ adult. Like you’re a ‘fraud’ in some way. That you’re responsible for negative things that you had no control over. All of these feelings are natural and normal. Op maybe depth psychology is something to look at, it’s certainly helped me in a lot of ways. My heart goes out to you OP, what you’ve been through is awful

You need to stop punishing yourself for things that are out of your control.

As people have said, we all make mistakes. All mums feel like we are winging it. All mums have had situations where we have felt lucky. We are all doing our best but we are human.

I really feel you need some specialist help from a psychotherapist - you can get this on NHS but there may be a wait.

Remember how much you mean to all of your kids and your partner. They may have funny ways of showing it at times, but they are all there an looking to you (which doesn't help with the pressure but does show they trust you) for a reason.