AIBU to think I am unfit for existence

[EverythingHap]

I’m feeling awful tonight
I don’t really know how to explain. I suffered a traumatic loss (full term baby died week before due date ) and I have blamed myself for nine years even though I’ve been told countless times that it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t cause it. My family are devout catholics and in my mind - despite not being a believer - I committed the worst sin in allowing my son to die (reasons: I didn’t eat the right food in pregnancy, I didn’t put on enough weight, I was too fat when I conceived, I missed my vitamins, I had sex, I exercised the wrong way, I lifted things....and so much more). I feel like being a better mother could have caused a better outcome, yet a tiny part of me knows that is madness and bad things happen anyway

But every day I fear I’m going to be the cause of another death. I literally feel like a ticking time bomb. I’ve convinced myself that I am incapable of going through life like a normal person and eventually someone else is going to die on my watch.

Honestly - I am bloody awful at life. The other day I fucking stupidly misread a zebra crossing situation and nearly ran a pedestrian over. And recently I managed to leave the gas hob on at home overnight. And so many more stupid errors like forgetting one of my children, my toddler, was wearing a necklace from the dressing up box when I put her to bed, she could have choked to death - It’s inevitable that someone is going to die on my watch. I try so so hard to not be stupid and overlook things. I make lists. I double triple check everything I do, so much so that people say I have OCD. And yet I still am so so stupid and someone is eventually going to die and again it will be my fault. Please help.

My husband is exasperated. He said that I just need to concentrate more to stop making stupid errors - from letting our stillborn son die to all the other stuff. But I really try. It’s just not enough though.

OP... some of the things you write imply that you can’t see any hope or way forward and don’t plan to do anything to try and change how things currently are. But on the flip side, you came here for a reason and acknowledge that you do know your thoughts that you’re to blame for your son’s death are madness. You sound really confused. What do you want to change about your life, and what are your thoughts on where to begin?

Please get some help and your husband is cruel if he blames you for your baby dying.

Hi Everythinghap
You sound like you are still traumatised. The loss of your baby sounds heart-breaking and it has deeply wounded you. If you take a moment to think of what you might say to somebody else who suffered a loss like that, I doubt if you would blame them. I imagine you would feel great compassion for them, and you should feel that for yourself. You are keeping it together for your other children and that alone is impressive.
Saying that, you sound like you really need some time out from your environment to heal. I think you should give the Hoffman process a go. It is expensive but intense so it's a week out of your life and if you've already suffered this so deeply for nine years you don't have much to lose.
Whatever you choose, I hope you find some peace; I suspect you're doing an amazing job under the burden of this grief and giving yourself no credit. We all secretly believe we are rubbish at life, and we are all mostly just fine. Be kind to yourself.

It wasn’t your fault. I think you are forgetful, clumsy etc because you are very depressed, down on yourself and are still blaming yourself which must be exhausting. Are you still on medication? I really think you need to be. I would also go to a psychiatrist, preferably one specialising in maternal mental health.

I developed 'harm' OCD after a stillbirth OP. I didn't realise I'd already been suffering with variations of OCD since childhood due to abuse and trauma then.

Sounds like you have very low self esteem. Especially if you're putting up with a husband who also thinks you let your baby die. Please see a GP and explain how you feel.

OP does your husband blame you for the loss of your child?

All the things you did in pregnancy, millions of women do. You were not to blame

Next time the feeling arises say out loud or in your head, very definitely: “I was
Not to blame”.

Even if you don’t believe it keep saying it.

You clinging onto self-blame is a way of saying you had control, but you didn’t OP, you couldn’t control it, it was out of your hands.

for you. So sorry for your loss. You deserve support and kindness.

My husband is exasperated. He said that I just need to concentrate more to stop making stupid errors - from letting our stillborn son die to all the other stuff.

Oh dear OP, you poor thing.
Your HUSBAND is telling you you 'let our son die' and your FAMILY blamed you for a tragedy that was in no way your fault or responsibility?

No wonder you cannot help blaming yourself, is it, with people like that around you poisoning your mind?
They have behaved dreadfully & are cruel & ignorant.
You should have been supported, protected & consoled ... but instead these people deliberately made you feel worse.

I see that you have had counselling, & wonder if you could arrange to have some more? Only this time, get help with how to manage the fact that you are surrounded by people who are acting as if they do not have your best interests at heart. Because I genuinely feel that YOU are not the problem THEY are.

You have been brainwashed into doubting yourself.
Please get some help with that: if you can work on exposing the causes of the doubt (ie the very people who are meant to care about you) you will be well on the road to discovering that you can live with your grief WITHOUT being made to feel guilty & paranoid.

I hope you also have friends outside of the family to give your support while you re-assess why you have been, & are being, treated so badly by your husband & family.

My husband is exasperated. He said that I just need to concentrate more to stop making stupid errors - from letting our stillborn son die to all the other stuff. But I really try. It’s just not enough though

What exactly did your husband say, OP?