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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my brother's funeral?

40 replies

AR04 · 04/05/2019 20:31

My brother sadly suddenly passed away, the funeral is in 10 days and is being held abroad in the country he lived in, which is about a 4 hour flight away. I'm unsure if I should go or not and I feel horrible for even considering not going. However it means getting time off work and I've already had quite a bit off recently because of my health which still isn't great and I'm worried may get worse whilst I'm abroad. I can afford to go there but will be tight for money for a while after. Along with either trying find someone to look after DD or take her with me. On the other hand my family aren't happy that I'm considering not going and I feel it might help me accept his death which has been difficult to do

OP posts:
Original poster
AR04 · 04/05/2019 20:43

Bump

OP posts:
Baloonphobia · 04/05/2019 20:45

I'd definitely go.

Karigan195 · 04/05/2019 20:46

Before you do anything else check with the funeral home as many offer a virtual service via a live link during the ceremony which can allow those with travel problems to ‘attend’

FYC · 04/05/2019 20:46

I think if you can go then you should. It sounds like you might regret it. Funerals are for those left behind. They’re a good place to accept that your loved one has gone.

I can understand your reluctance, it will be exhausting, but I think you might regret it if you don’t.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your brother 💐

ourkidmolly · 04/05/2019 20:46

I think you’d regret not going. You should go. Take your daughter and ask your employer.

MissEliza · 04/05/2019 20:46

I'm really sorry for your loss ThanksMy dm died last year and her dsis was unable to come as her dh is quite frail. I think she really struggled because of it and it made it harder to come to terms. I would say if you can afford it, you should go.

Original poster
AR04 · 04/05/2019 20:53

Yes I feel like I might regret it later, I'd rather go than risk that

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 04/05/2019 20:55

You should go. I lost my brother nearly a year ago. There’s no way I wouldn’t have gone. I would definitely have regretted it.

Roussette · 04/05/2019 21:04

You will regret it big time if you don't go.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/05/2019 21:06

I’m so sorry for your loss. Flowers Go if you can.

trickyex · 04/05/2019 21:06

Do go and take your DD, explain to work what has happened.
Sending sympathy.

Purpleartichoke · 04/05/2019 21:07

I would go. It’s inconvenient, but not unrealistic.

MadamHattie · 04/05/2019 21:09

I would say go. I nearly didn't go to my db funeral as I didn't want to say goodbye. I know now I would have regretted it massively. So very sorry for your loss, I know how much it hurts ❤

Hecateh · 04/05/2019 21:10

Funerals aren't about the dead but the living. Your brother doesn't care if you are there or not.

You can remember your brother in your own time and your own space.

If you have health problems then the insurance premiums may well be prohibitive. And going without insurance would be stupid if you have ongoing issues that may require treatment

QueenOfPain · 04/05/2019 21:10

I also lost my brother and can’t imagine not having gone to his funeral.

It may well help with acceptance and closure as you say, particularly as you’ve been living in different countries and presumably haven’t seen much of each other. I still had occasional moments for a while afterwards where my mind comforted itself with the feeling that he was simply busy off living his life at uni, and then remembering was bloody awful over and over again.

MitziK · 04/05/2019 21:14

I'd go.

[in a similar situation at the moment, but there aren't any difficulties attending in terms of distance - although I haven't actually told work yet]

IsYourGoogleBroken · 04/05/2019 21:17

If going abroad is going to impact on your own health then I wouldn't go. Can you afford to lose your job if you have more time off sick ?

gemandjule · 04/05/2019 21:17

My brother died suddenly too aged 42. Please go. It’s so much comfort to be with your close family at this time. Take care. X

hidinginthenightgarden · 04/05/2019 21:18

I think you should go. For your parents too, assuming they are alive.
They will need support.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/05/2019 21:20

While I think there is a lot to be said for going, I noticed that you said you were worried your health may get worse if you go.

That's potentially a serious issue that should give you pause. You don't go into detail though (and you really don't have to) so how much of an issue isn't clear to us. But I wanted to highlight this and say your own health is important and it's not wrong to prioritise it in this situation.

Justaboy · 04/05/2019 21:21

Just go!, its a one time event that can't be replicated and yes you may get in a spot of bother with work, it may cost more than you can afford but its something that will never happen again so go - else I think you'll forever regret that you didn't.

HavelockVetinari · 04/05/2019 21:23

It's your brother. Definitely go unless you can't possibly, it'd be awful not to.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

PaperHead · 04/05/2019 21:26

It’s not your family’s decision, ultimately, and I honestly don’t think that doing something purely in case you later regret not having done it is mad. I’d decide primarily on the grounds of health in your case, if you can afford it.

3dogs2cats · 04/05/2019 21:30

My oldest friend died recently. I didn’t go for what seemed like really good reasons. I have bitterly regretted it.

LynetteScavo · 04/05/2019 21:33

I think you should go.

Thanks
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