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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my brother's funeral?

40 replies

AR04 · 04/05/2019 20:31

My brother sadly suddenly passed away, the funeral is in 10 days and is being held abroad in the country he lived in, which is about a 4 hour flight away. I'm unsure if I should go or not and I feel horrible for even considering not going. However it means getting time off work and I've already had quite a bit off recently because of my health which still isn't great and I'm worried may get worse whilst I'm abroad. I can afford to go there but will be tight for money for a while after. Along with either trying find someone to look after DD or take her with me. On the other hand my family aren't happy that I'm considering not going and I feel it might help me accept his death which has been difficult to do

OP posts:
category12 · 04/05/2019 21:33

Surely you'd get compassionate leave given it's your brother?

Lucked · 04/05/2019 21:35

Are there any other family members going? If you are the only sibling I think you will regret it being there.

professorpecked · 04/05/2019 21:37

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers
My sister's death involved a lot of grieving - much more so than I'd anticipated. I think that if I'd missed the funeral I'd have found her death much harder to process.

Eyewhisker · 04/05/2019 21:38

Please go. You only have one family.

Toofaroutallmylife · 04/05/2019 21:40

Please go if you can. My brother died in his 30s nearly 30 years ago. I still dream that he’s alive and everyone knew but me. I went to his funeral but I don’t think even that was closure for me

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 21:40

I’m chronically ill. I think your health is a legitimate reason not to go. However you will possibly regret not being able to go for health reasons so you need to be honest with what you can achieve. Can you be more specific about you health? Would you need wheelchair assistance booked?

Newtothis2017 · 04/05/2019 21:59

Quite simply you should go.he is your brother.

Bellsandwhistle · 04/05/2019 22:02

Sorry for your loss. You must go.

springydaff · 04/05/2019 22:07

Surely you'll get compassionate leave. Isn't it the law? ie aren't employers bound by law to offer compassionate leave for a close family member's funeral? Even prisoners get to go to close family funerals.

I'm so sorry you've lost your brother, op. I really think it will help you to go to his funeral, even if it's awkward timing. I have never regretted going to a funeral, it really helps with the grief Flowers

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/05/2019 22:15

Although a very difficult decision to make, you do need to consider your health and insurance implications. This might make it prohibitively expensive to travel.

Only you know your health and the impact on your DD and work. But also only you know the risks you're willing/able to take. You might be able to get compassionate leave for funeral but that might be as little as one day, could you book annual leave? Can you risk being ill again? What are work like about sickness and what is the policy? Do you risk being let go?

Of course it would no doubt be good for you to go and have that closure, unfortunately sometimes it's very difficult or impossible to make that work.

Canshopwillshop · 04/05/2019 22:27

Just go please if you can Flowers

RabbityMcRabbit · 04/05/2019 22:39

Very sorry to hear about your brother OP Flowers If it were me I'd go. I think you may regret it if you don't. I shouldn't worry about the work time off thing; you've just lost your brother. You should be able to get compassionate leave. Hope everything works out x

whitehalleve · 05/05/2019 08:43

Better to go than to live with regret

MrsMozartMkII · 05/05/2019 08:51

I went to my Pa's funeral, but didn't take any time off work despite our then client (I'm a consultant) being totally flexible. It was a mistake. I didn't grieve properly. I didn't give myself chance to handle all the emotions. I thought that as he'd changed so much in the last three years I'd done all my grieving for the man he was. I was wrong. It's taken a long time to start to find my equilibrium.

I'm sorry for your loss. Do whatever is right for you. Flowers

AlwaysCheddar · 05/05/2019 08:53

Can you get travel insurance which will cover your health issues?

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