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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bit of Advice please

27 replies

spaceyface89 · 04/05/2019 18:15

I'm new here and I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this post but here goes...

My daughter's father is taking me to court again. He has a long history of EA, intimidation, control etc.

This morn, ( Saturday) he turned up early morning to the home of one of daughter's nursery staff, demanding info on daughter's progress, wanting staff mobile number etc. Staff member felt v intimidated and contacted me about it. She let him in but was v threatened. Apparently she was in her nighty on the sofa when he arrived. Ex has never done drop offs or pick ups so they've never met.

I can't believe he's done this. Apparently he wasn't aggressive but very forceful. I had to apologise profusely to her. I want to raise it with his solicitor. Am I right to? Should I drop it? Any advice?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 04/05/2019 18:17

Personally I think she should call the police.

daphine2004 · 04/05/2019 18:18

I think she should too. How did he even get her address?!

AbbieLexie · 04/05/2019 18:21

Police need involved pronto

pudcat · 04/05/2019 18:22

She was foolish to let him in especially if in nightie. . This is what chains on doors are for. How did he know where she lived? She should inform the police. Tell your solicitor not his and the nursery nurse should make a statement about it.

katmarie · 04/05/2019 18:24

That needs reporting to the police, by her if shes willing. If not you should raise it with your own solicitor. How did he find out where she lived? How does any sane person think that is a reasonable thing to do? Poor girl.

Original poster
spaceyface89 · 04/05/2019 18:28

Thanks. I don’t have a solicitor anymore, can’t afford it. I’m self representing now sadly. Crap isn’t it

OP posts:
Chloemol · 04/05/2019 18:29

Sorry why has she contacted you. She should not have let him in and called the police. By all means tell your so,so,icitor but she needs to report this to the police now

LadyLaSnack · 04/05/2019 18:30

What? Jesus! Report him to the police.

sackrifice · 04/05/2019 18:30

She needs to call the police and report it even though he has gone.

And she needs to report it to her employer; how the fuck does he know where she lives?

John470322 · 04/05/2019 18:32

Personally I think she should call the police.
I agree, she needs to call the police for her own safety.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 04/05/2019 18:32

She should not have contacted you, and you don't need to apologise. Be very firm that she needs to at the very least speak to the manager of the nursery and that you feel strongly that the police should be notified.

Bambamber · 04/05/2019 18:34

I totally agree with pp, she needs to phone the police and also get in contact with the nursery manager and explain what has happened. This isn't acceptable behaviour in any way shape or form

Drum2018 · 04/05/2019 18:37

This was not your fault. You don't have to do anything - not even apologise to her. You didn't do anything and your ex is his own person, not a child who you are in charge of. She should report it to the police if she felt threatened. Why in gods name did she let him in? That was her own doing.

pikapikachu · 04/05/2019 18:40

This is a police matter and very serious imo. If I knew the nursery worker I would have told her not to let him in. If finding out about his dd was his motive, he would have contacted the nursery directly by email or phone and made an appointment to discuss it there. Poor woman must be terrified. Not hard to see why he's an ex. Did he even have proof he was who he said?

SunshineCake · 04/05/2019 18:47

I'd start looking for a new nursery as I wouldn't be surprised if you were asked to move your dd. I'd consider moving house too away from this bully.

SinjunRivers · 04/05/2019 18:48

Please call her straight back and tell her to report to the police and her employer immediately and not to answer the door to him again.
That is harassment.

Dvg · 04/05/2019 19:00

i say police too. You cant just barge your way into someones home

pinkylander · 04/05/2019 19:02

Totally agree with all the above. That has stepped over a line of being parental harrasment of you. Police matter now.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/05/2019 19:03

Hold on. Why would the police be interested in this? She let him in, and he wanted to ask her some work related questions. What would the police involvement be about?

It’s inappropriate, intimidating and rude, but not a police matter. I think you need to raise it with your solicitor as an example of poor behaviour. What is he taking you to court for? Custody?

Charley50 · 04/05/2019 19:06

Can't believe she met him in!? Maybe she has a partner so she didn't feel intimidated?
Anyway I agree it's a police matter. He shouldn't know where she lives, or go there.

Charley50 · 04/05/2019 19:07

Let not met.

Original poster
spaceyface89 · 04/05/2019 19:14

Thanks for all your helpful advice.

I did think about the police, at least given context of what’s going on and to have it recorded. Likelihood is they won’t do anything.

Staff member felt really terrible, said that she just felt on the spot and didn’t know what to do and didn’t have tim to think. guess hindsight is wonderful thing isn’t it.

This is third time he’s taking me to court to vary an order that’s been in place less than a year. My finances are decimated now. Its part of his control. Im going to apply for a barring order thing I hope to see if I can get an order that says no more applications for five years or something. I’m exhausted

OP posts:
SinjunRivers · 04/05/2019 19:30

Please make sure it's reported to the police. I think her manager will say the same thing. They will need to warn other staff who work there.
It's completely inappropriate and very creepy that he found out where she lives. It should also be mentioned next time you are in court. A judge will take a dim view. It will also support what you have said about his behaviour but independently from he said she said.

sackrifice · 04/05/2019 19:39

She needs to report it though, not you.

And she needs professional boundaries training, so that she knows what to do if a parent turns up at her house again.

IndieTara · 04/05/2019 20:11

Hang on OP you will get there I promise,

I've been in similar circumstances and now I'm able to deal with everything in a much better way .

Once I realised I had no effect on or control over what he did it helped massively .
I can only control my reaction to what he does

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