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Original poster

My tween is bisexual - WWYD?

51 replies

MaggieMagpie357 · 04/05/2019 15:31

Apologies for the potentially long post, but background needed for context - I'll try to keep it brief and to the point!

Our 12.5yr old DD1 has ADHD and poss undiagnosed ASD. She is incredibly bright and does very well at school, but at home is prone to violent mood swings, very heightened emotional responses, obsessive behaviours, temper tantrums and argues with us a lot. She also hates discussing feelings and consequently bottles a lot of things up.

We recently checked her phone (this was a condition of her having a phone, not me being nosey but just checking to make sure everything is ok) and there were messages with a girl who used to go to to her school, they were friendly but lost touch when she went to another local school. To cut a long story short, my DD has told this girl that she is bisexual, and the other girl has asked her out, my DD has said yes and has now come out as bisexual to her close friends via WhatsApp.

I don't have a problem with any of this at all, apart from the fact that she hasn't told us. We know she wants to meet up with this girl in town (who we've never met, but the messages say she's recently been excluded from school which makes me nervous) but we've told her that we'd like to meet her first. This hasn't happened yet due to the girls phone being confiscated this week because of her exclusion from school.

So my dilemma is this: do we just pretend we don't know about her sexuality, she seems to have forgotten that we occasionally check her phone! I understand that she would be nervous about telling us, as she can be very secretive about feelings she finds hard to deal with, but as her mum it hurts that she feels she can't tell us.
And do we let her meet this girl? I have real concerns about her suitability as a friend/girlfriend as her Whatsapps are very sweary and one photo looked like she had self harmed Shock

If it was my neurotypical DD2 I would feel confident that we'd be able to talk to her about all of this in a rational way, but DD1 is so emotional and angry a lot of the time I'd be really worried that it would end badly, and she would resort to lying to us.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 04/05/2019 15:33

Just carry on as you are and wait for her to come to you about it

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 04/05/2019 15:34

She is 12 so I wouldn’t care if it was a boy or girl I would not be encouraging the relationship

Soubriquet · 04/05/2019 15:37

^

Oh come on

She’s 12

Any relationship at 12 is pretty much saying “this is my boy/girlfriend” and then holding hands

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2019 15:38

I wouldn't say anything about her sexuality for now. There's really no need. My concern would be her hanging out with a girl who appears to have lots of behavioural problems, as your daughter does. I certainly wouldn't allow her to walk around town unsupervised at this point.

curiositycreature · 04/05/2019 15:38

You’ve said she bottles things up and hates discussing her feelings so I assume she won’t come to you. But if you go to her before she is ready, the conversation may go horrendously. I suppose you could just monitor the situation and see if this girl ends up having a negative effect on her and then step in you feel you have to. But outside of that, I’d say probably wait for her to come to you. She may need time to process this and build up the courage to talk to you anyway.

Original poster
MaggieMagpie357 · 04/05/2019 15:39

@Soubriquet that's not the bit I'm concerned about.....

OP posts:
Unicornshopkeeper · 04/05/2019 15:40

^^ I feel like this about my own 12 yo but then remember that some 12 yo kids become parents. Very rarely tho of course and not a problem in this situation

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 04/05/2019 15:40

I a have a problem with you thinking that evidence of self harming precludes a child from being suitable company for your daughter.

TeaForTheWin · 04/05/2019 15:43

Lol it might not even be true, she might just be saying it to appear 'cool'. I mean she is twelve lol, all they do at that age is lie xD

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/05/2019 15:43

I agree with soubriquet

now would be your chance to talk about relationships and how they can vary and how non fussed you are about the sex future partners as long as your dd was happy

Only if you can do it subtly!!!!

I know a few children who have said they are bi and some have 'changed' how they feel sexually as they mature...obviously the others have remained bi

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 04/05/2019 15:45

Children this age often do stop telling you everything.
It's OK.

They need to know they can still come to you if they need to.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/05/2019 15:46

Posted too soon, obviously I appreciate that it is more the friendship with the child you are concerned about but from what ive heard if you tell a child they can't be friends with someone its like moths to a bloody flame!

ItsalmostSummer · 04/05/2019 15:47

I’d have the conversation with her. Ask her what being bisexual means. Ask her if she knows what a bisexual relationship looks like? Ask her about heterosexual relationships too. She’s not too young for that. I bet she has no real clue what a bisexual relationship is - two woman with vaginas having sex, or man and woman having sex and what does that look like from her point of view.
She won’t even know. It’s a word and a term to her. Don’t be scared to ask the real questions. Also “going out” at her age is just hanging out. I’d be very shocked if there was any sex happening with males or females for her. I think you need to have that specific conversation with her, purely because she is telling people she’s bisexual. People will take advantage of a 12 year old talking like that. It’s not called being herself and being expressive. It’s called using terms she doesn’t fully understand. She’s at an age where she’s trying to discover who she is. She needs her parents to help her through this stage. If you don’t, someone else will and she will be taken advantage of. Don’t be scared, talk to her and equip her with information.

x2boys · 04/05/2019 15:49

I have to agree with a pp I wouldn't be encouraging any relationship right now ,however from what my 12 year old tells me having a boy/girl friend just means you tell everyone you are boy/girlfriends and not much else?

Original poster
MaggieMagpie357 · 04/05/2019 15:53

@ItsalmostSummer I would love nothing more than to be able to discuss stuff with her - any stuff, important or not. But she is a very closed book, and any chat about anything she finds difficult to talk about ends with shouting, stomping off and slamming doors. We have a very fragile relationship as it is, which is why taking the right approach to this situation is so important to me.

OP posts:
Marilynmansonsthermos · 04/05/2019 15:54

Loving all the responses from "cool" parents who are making out they wouldn't be worried about this atall.

Marilynmansonsthermos · 04/05/2019 15:56

I hope you get it sorted op. All you can do is let her know that you are here if she wants to talk about anything. Maybe spend some time with her alone, have a day out and try to get her to open up. My dd talks alot more when we are out of the house, just the two of us.

XiCi · 04/05/2019 15:58

She’s 12. Any relationship at 12 is pretty much saying “this is my boy/girlfriend” and then holding hands

Really? This girl is almost 13 not 8. I'm 47 and even when I was 12/13 we were experimenting far more than holding hands.

Original poster
MaggieMagpie357 · 04/05/2019 15:59

@BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney it's really not as simple as that. DD is really not your average tween, her condition makes her more vulnerable than most, as her brain simply doesn't work like most other girls her age. Plus part of my job description is to protect her!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaggieMagpie357 · 04/05/2019 16:01

Thanks @Marilynmansonsthermos. One on one time is definitely something we need to do more of. She's very hard to get out of the house so I need to come up with a plan!!

OP posts:
LtGreggs · 04/05/2019 16:02

Is there any chance that she's deliberately let you find this on her phone, because she doesn't know how to bring it up to talk about?? Or is that quite unlikely?

ScrewyMcScrewup · 04/05/2019 16:03

You don't need to "do" anything.

SundayMondayHappydays · 04/05/2019 16:04

Reading your OP my main concern would be the self-harming concerns raised and not the bisexuality. Could you have a discussion around that? Not specific to the messages but in general as a common issue affecting teenagers.

Original poster
MaggieMagpie357 · 04/05/2019 16:05

@LtGreggs yes that has definitely crossed my mind, as she's very clever and it wouldn't surprise me. But it's a double-edged sword isn't it? If I say I've seen it on her phone, then she may be angry and start deleting messages she doesn't want us to see, and that's a slippery slope.....

OP posts:
fecketyfeck21 · 04/05/2019 16:08

i'd be worried about this girl influencing my vulnerable daughter, excluded from school, self harming ? she's got enough of her own problems without dragging dd into it as well. yes,i might be judgy but my concern would be with my dd not someone elses.
i'd be keeping a very close eye on the situation, could the girl in question come round and hang out with dd for a couple of hours pizza, gaming, watching a film maybe then you could make her welcome but suss out the situation as well.

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