My tween is bisexual - WWYD?

[MaggieMagpie357]

Apologies for the potentially long post, but background needed for context - I'll try to keep it brief and to the point!

Our 12.5yr old DD1 has ADHD and poss undiagnosed ASD. She is incredibly bright and does very well at school, but at home is prone to violent mood swings, very heightened emotional responses, obsessive behaviours, temper tantrums and argues with us a lot. She also hates discussing feelings and consequently bottles a lot of things up.

We recently checked her phone (this was a condition of her having a phone, not me being nosey but just checking to make sure everything is ok) and there were messages with a girl who used to go to to her school, they were friendly but lost touch when she went to another local school. To cut a long story short, my DD has told this girl that she is bisexual, and the other girl has asked her out, my DD has said yes and has now come out as bisexual to her close friends via WhatsApp.

I don't have a problem with any of this at all, apart from the fact that she hasn't told us. We know she wants to meet up with this girl in town (who we've never met, but the messages say she's recently been excluded from school which makes me nervous) but we've told her that we'd like to meet her first. This hasn't happened yet due to the girls phone being confiscated this week because of her exclusion from school.

So my dilemma is this: do we just pretend we don't know about her sexuality, she seems to have forgotten that we occasionally check her phone! I understand that she would be nervous about telling us, as she can be very secretive about feelings she finds hard to deal with, but as her mum it hurts that she feels she can't tell us.
And do we let her meet this girl? I have real concerns about her suitability as a friend/girlfriend as her Whatsapps are very sweary and one photo looked like she had self harmed

If it was my neurotypical DD2 I would feel confident that we'd be able to talk to her about all of this in a rational way, but DD1 is so emotional and angry a lot of the time I'd be really worried that it would end badly, and she would resort to lying to us.

@ScrewyMcScrewup well I need to decide if DD can meet this girl in town (she's told DD she wants to "take her to the river") so....

@fecketyfeck21 yes that's what we have suggested so far, luckily everyone's busy this weekend so it's not happening yet. Gives us more thinking time!!

Let her come out to you in her own time. Speaking as a bisexual woman, it can be extremely nerve wracking to think about sharing an integral part of yourself with the people you love the most and are closest to. I love my parents and I know without any doubt that they love and support me no matter what. But lots of people know that without a doubt. And yet when they share this kind of thing with their parents they're told they are "wrong" or "unnatural" or they're disowned. I am NOT saying you'd do this btw, but it's a daunting prospect and it needs to happen in her own time. It wouldn't help anything if you tell her that you know before she's ready for you to know. And it's not uncommon for people to tell their friends before their family. I did. It's quite likely that maybe some of her friends are LGBT+ also and maybe she's getting advice from them about how to tell you.

However, I get that you're worried about a possible relationship with someone "unsuitable". It's very reasonable for you to want to meet someone your daughter is hanging out with before they start meeting up on their own. I'd recommend you start talking to her about healthy relationships, from a general perspective and an LGBT+ perspective. Everyone should learn about safety in relationships etc for all walks regardless of whether they are straight or not. It's part of understanding each other. We only ever learned about straight sex/relationships at school and that's a crying shame. If everyone learned about all aspects and relationships there would be a lot more understanding and a lot fewer children questioning their experiences, feeling ashamed or getting into dangerous situations because they were never taught that their safety was also important. If you feel you can't do the discussion justice because you don't have the personal experience, there are lots of websites and books out there you can utilise. In fact, you mentioned that she is more of a "closed book" so she might respond better if you get her some literature/point her to some websites that have information about ALL kinds of relationships and safety/health in relationships (that way you're not showing you know by just giving her bisexual info and you're not erasing her sexuality by just giving her straight info) so she can do her own reading and digest things at her own pace. If you also read the same materials you can make it clear to her that if she does want to discuss it, ask questions etc you are always there and ready to listen to her.

Can you play games with her and talk through things then? When dd was younger, we played story cubes to teach her emotions. This was under supervision of a child psychologist btw. Dd and I created a story with the 9 cubes and named the emotions the characters were going through. Idk how old your dd is in emotional years or if these would be an option. This or something else may work.

Oops I wasn’t suggesting you should do story cubes to discuss sexuality. Just help her name emotions. I would let her come to you about this.

Just an addition having read your last comments, I'd be wary about them going off "by the river" just the two of them if you don't really know her/they haven't seen each other a lot. I agree with PP that inviting her over for the day for them to do what they want, maybe take them out for dinner and sit at a different table etc while you get to know her. Or take them shopping as a treat, let them go off by themselves but you're still around just in case and say "right well we'll meet up again for lunch" or something? I hope the other girl is getting help for her own problems as well. Maybe she'll be a lovely girl. You won't know until you meet her! Hope it all goes well

I think these are two separate issues. The fact that she's bisexual (or that that is her current understanding of her sexuality - which is a perfectly normal thing for a 12 yo to consider, and many 12 yos may consider themselves to be straight and later realise they're not) is different to your concerns about this specific girl.

Regarding her sexuality, I wouldn't necessarily say anything. I'd make sure that whenever discussions lean towards sexuality that you ensure you're supportive and accepting of same sex relationships and acknowledge them as an option. If you're choosing tv shows to watch together, try and ensure they're inclusive. Make yourself a safe person to come to when she's ready.

In terms of the girl, is there any way that initially you could be involved in their meetings? Inviting her to your home, dropping your daughter off at a coffee shop and meeting them an hour later, that kind of thing? See how things go, and gauge if the negative impact you're concerned about starts to materialise. They may be good for each other if they're both struggling with various issues, or they may exacerbate each other. Only time will tell.

Can’t you just approach it with a general relationship talk, boyfriends or girlfriends & let her know there is no judgement?

I agree with Safety. You have two issues, the bisexuality, and the friendship.

With the bisexuality, don’t say anything. Teens nowadays change what they are almost on a daily basis, and it’s not such a big issue for them as it is for the older generation. If there’s any LBGT conversations /tv programmes / news items around, just be open and supportive.

Regarding the friendship, I don’t think you can admit to reading the phone, as it then may cause dc to keep things secret. However, you can invite the friend over, monitor your dc’s friendship with her etc.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/And_Tango_Makes_Three

just an idea

I would be very wary of your daughter being involved with somebody that has self harmed.....some researchers believe that the cluster effect shows that self harming is socially contagious. That is much more likely given your daughters emotional issues and her reticence to discuss her feelings.

Also, young teen girls that are attracted to women are now susceptible to the "trans train" and this is socially contagious and is a way to avoid the shame of being with a woman. By feeling male and then transitioning to male, they can be with a woman in a ( fake) hetero relationship. Society applauds gay men but lesbians and female bi sexuals are often treated in terribly shameful way by society. You only have to take a look on the feminist boards here to see how even now women are having to fight for the right to say that do not want a "female" penis in their bedrooms.

^ forgot to add apparently they split up and he had a female partner later on.....could be a way to broach the subject casually

www.nytimes.com/2005/09/24/nyregion/new-love-breaks-up-a-6year-relationship-at-the-zoo.html

:)

Cool parent?

Not sure what that means

Im fairly sure my children dont think im one though

I'm relatively neurotic as a parent.

I'm also a lesbian autistic woman and I know what would have worked for me at that age.

People with asd are more likely to be gay or bi than neurotypical people.

Please don’t out her, that needs to be left to her.

If you’re worried about the friend could you suggest she comes round for dinner etc so you can get to know her a bit?

My only issue would be the other girl and I’d nip that in the bud. Your her parent who has to make decisions on her well being. I’d be saying ‘actually I’m not happy with this friendship. You won’t be meeting her’.

Some times you do have to be the bad guy and watch them like a hawk. I was shocking at 13. My parents were way to lax due to them splitting up and focusing on other stuff.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction so what would have worked for you at that age? I'd be very interested to hear your experiences as someone who's been there and understands the ASD brain!

Hmmmm I had three or four friends who “came out” as gay or bisexual only to have to try and awkwardly climb back into the closet when they realised they were straight.

Honestly I’d have probably thought I was lesbian if I’d known much about it - I just wanted to be with girls and remember having to pretend to care about boys aged 14. All my friends were gossiping about boys and all I was waiting for was a gap in the conversation to talk about some nice stationary I’d just bought

What would have worked...

I felt very invaded if my mum ever invaded my privacy. I think checking phones is entirely warranted, at that age (I'm onto my third of that age now) but as a child I would have hated to know my private thoughts had been revealed in that way.
I even hated somebody else doing my laundry.

So I think she will tell you when she's ready.

I'm aware that autistic people are as varied as neurotypical people. The meltdowns can really increase at that age as school is stressful and puberty is dreadful but we are often capable of great maturity and insight. We just have spiky profiles. Great at some things and poor at other things.

But I would have liked my mum to get to know me in 'safe' ways. If she asked what my favourite crisps were or what book I was reading that would have been OK.

I would have liked to do things with her like a cinema trip or a dog walk that felt safer and less exposing than shopping trips or going to a cafe.

Being gay wasn't a bad thing. But being isolated because of it was something that left me a bit vulnerable.

I would have loved for us to watch films or have books with gay or bisexual characters.

To know my parents accepted gay and bi people without having to come out.

I find it hard to put into words what I'm feeling often.
My dad spoke at my civil partnership ceremony but I've never actually 'come out' to him.

But we connect in ways that feel safe.
Conversations around things we are interested in, for example.

None of this means you should let your dd wander around with unsavory characters unsupervised.

But if you have one rule for your neurotypical child I think it could be very distressing for your daughter with adhd and possibly asd to have different rules imposed.

I know my NT sister got up to all sorts because she could lie. She was probably at equal risk to me.

I knew I was bisexual at this age and had a girlfriend at 13 which definitely involved more than just holding hands, mainly lots of kissing. However, not wanting your daughter to spend a lot of time with someone you don't even know at this age is not unreasonable. Why not offer for them to go for a pizza or something and pick up/drop off.

Telling my mother I was bisexual was a huge deal for me and it didn't go well, a lot of people this age hold cards to their chest, especially sexuality. Do you feel you could put on a film or TV show that has a lesbian or bisexual character and open dialogue that way (age appropriate of course)

'One day at a time' on Netflix is a good watch

Any relationship at 12 is pretty much saying “this is my boy/girlfriend” and then holding hands

Ha. You are incredibly naïve. 12 year olds get pregnant.

Thanks so much for that useful insight @SuperLoudPoppingAction. She can be so prickly and 70% of the time we all feel like were walking on eggshells when she's around. Yet other times we can have such a giggle with her, she has a very quick sense of humour and can be so funny.

We've always tried to treat both our DDs the same (ie the same rules about what age they can have a phone etc) but part of the reason she often gets angry with us is that she perceives we are treating her differently simply because she breaks the rules more often than DD2, therefore she is told off more than her sister.

Her psychologist warned us at our first meeting that the teenage years with DD would be incredibly challenging, I just don't want any of this to drive her even further away from us.

Are 12 year olds who get pg usually ones who wanted to have sex though, I would imagine they were pressured into it by older boyfriends? My ds would not be going to any rivers with boys or girls at 12 (he is almost 12) especially not ones who are excluded from school. They could come to the house if necessary.