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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

49 replies

Sleepycatinthesun · 04/05/2019 07:49

DH has never liked me going out with friends. He’s never stopped me going but he’s frequently sully beforehand, he’ll look me up and down at what I’m wearing to try and make me feel like I perhaps look silly and if I were to ask him if I look ok he’ll just murmur ‘ye’.
I have come to ignore this behaviour over the years and I just get ready all happy and upbeat and leave him to his sulk.
Last night tho really pissed me off. He was due to collect me from the train station after the evening out. I was getting the train at 21.40 and it’s a 20 minute journey. I text him on the platform to say the train was on time and I’d text him as I was leaving the station before so he could leave (both journeys take 5 minutes so it’s a good indicator of when to leave the house).
I text at the usual time 5 minutes before my ETA and got no reply. I got off the train and you’ve guessed it he wasn’t there. I waited 10 minutes, freezing cold and then phoned. He hadn’t had the message so he said so another 5 minutes freezing till I was collected.
I am angry that he knew the train was coming in around 10 anyway so why sit waiting for my message? When it’s him that needs a lift I’m always a bit early to be there as the train comes in. He seems to be happy to use the situation to keep me waiting in the cold. He says he’s NBU as he didn’t get the text and the train might have been delayed. My argument is I’d have text to say if that was the case.
I can’t help feel that this is suitable punishment for me going out. I’m raging this morning.

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 04/05/2019 07:52

Did he acknowledge your first text (to say the train was on time)? If so, there’s no excuse! If there’d been a hold up on the line then you would have called him, so I don’t understand why he didn’t set off 15 mins after receiving your first text (regardless of whether he received the second).

Brightlightsbigcity · 04/05/2019 07:52

Hmm. He was doing you a favour and didn't see the text. Yabu.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 07:54

Sounds to me like he’s playing games.

Do you think he saw the message and ignored it to teach you a lesson for going out?

Why you’d put up with that shit for YEARS btw is beyond me.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 07:56

Sorry - missed the last sentence of your OP as I was incensed by the first paragraph.

Why DO you stay?

Stormwhale · 04/05/2019 07:57

You know this isn't normal right OP? It's not normal to get stroppy when your partner goes out and it's hardly like you went out on a huge bender if you were back by 10pm. I think you have bigger problems than this particular one.

Qweenbee · 04/05/2019 07:57

I wouldn't be happy either. Ask him how he'd have felt if you'd been attacked and raped. Shame him into feeling bad.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 08:01

I wouldn't be happy either. Ask him how he'd have felt if you'd been attacked and raped. Shame him into feeling bad.

Sorry, I don’t usually do this but this is beyond shit advice.

Deal with the ACTUAL problem. The problem is you’ve got a controlling partner by the sounds of it. Time to sort it out once and for all.

kbPOW · 04/05/2019 08:04

Is your H a controlling arsehole in other ways as well? He was late to punish you for going out.

Original poster
Sleepycatinthesun · 04/05/2019 08:08

I’ve challenged him this morning on whether this was an attempt to stick the knife in for going out. He thinks I’m being ridiculous. His attitude is that he didn’t hear from me, he showed me his phone which shows he had text me around the time the train should have got in to ask where I was but I didn’t get that.
It’s not the point! How long would he have left phone silence before coming to get me? 1 hour? 6 hours? I could have still been there this morning and the dull bastard would have still been sitting at home waiting for my text?

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 04/05/2019 08:10

My ex was exactly like this, ime this comes hand in hand with other undesirable qualities like starting arguments/ feigning illness/ inciting drama right before Xmas/ birthdays/ social events so that they are ruined for me .
Ultimately he became financially abusive.
It's great that u have not let him cut you off from your friends, my guess is he hasn't got many friends of his own for good reason .
Unless he's totally amazing in every other way I would consider your relationship.

LL83 · 04/05/2019 08:12

Do you know he got the message? (Blue ticks on WhatsApp for example?) If not I would assume he is telling the truth and came as soon as he got the text.

If you suspect he would leave you deliberately then there are bigger issues wether he is telling the truth this time or not.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 08:13

Why won’t you answer why you put up with it? Why you stay? Is he controlling in other ways?

kbPOW · 04/05/2019 08:17

It was only after I left my horrible ex that I could really see all the shitty behaviours and how he'd undermined and controlled me. What your H said was also ex's standard response to being challenged. Well, that and calling me mental Hmm. Please think about getting some support for yourself. You should put down very firm boundaries or make plans to leave. It's not love, it's hate, he's expressing here.

SpiderP · 04/05/2019 08:17

His attitude is that he didn’t hear from me, he showed me his phone which shows he had text me around the time the train should have got in to ask where I was but I didn’t get that

Actually, regarding this specific scenario I think it was a bit on both sides... if he was expecting you to text and you didn't he might have assumed you were having fun and had stayed out a bit longer, or not noticed the time until he realised the train you said you would get was due in. He didn't know you hadn't seen his text, just as you didn't chase him up as soon as he didn't reply to yours.

But he's definitely unreasonable for being sulky when you go out with your friends.

brownbeauty · 04/05/2019 08:23

brightlightsbigcity husband and wife do not do 'favours' for each other in my opinion.
This is how love is shown.

dudsville · 04/05/2019 08:24

You're getting angry over the wrong thing, so that's going to get lost in a quagmire. He's also angry with you, but by the looks of things (his phone history) he want acting out over collecting you. The issue is not that pick up last night, that's one of the many outcomes of not sorting out the main issue, which is whatever itis that's gluing on with you going out.

Enix · 04/05/2019 08:28

I think that maybe a phone call would've been better than a text in this case so he would have adequate warning and you would both confirm the actual time you've left. In this case, I don't think it's anyone's fault especially as he can prove he sent you a text too (which you didn't get). Just one of those unfortunate things 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, he sounds very controlling and I'd pull him up on that rather than ignoring it each time.

LadyMinerva · 04/05/2019 08:31

Am I reading this correctly? He says he didn't get your text and you say you didn't get his text? If so, neither of you can be pissed at the other. Sometimes texts don't go through. The only sure fire way of knowing your message has been received is the speak to the other person.

If this is not the case please ignore me and carry on!

Enix · 04/05/2019 08:31

Also, I definitely think your anger is misplaced as waiting 15 minutes isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. This is clearly about your underlying issues in your marriage.

Also, if he hasn't picked you up within half an hour or so, call an Uber 😬

UnicornDust9 · 04/05/2019 08:34

I think your being over the top.

How was he meant to know you didn’t stay longer as you were having a good time.

He didn’t get your texts, you didn’t get his. You rang him and he come straight away. Grow up.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/05/2019 08:35

He was playing games and punishing you. He knew when you were due back.

Joining the universal cry of why you do you put up with the sulking shit?

rookiemere · 04/05/2019 08:35

It's hard to know if it was a passive aggressive act on his behalf or a genuine situation.

I suspect the picking you up is part of his desire to control the situation. Get uber installed on your phone and next time - as you're walking out the door- tell him not to wait up and you'll get a cab home as it's easier for everyone.

Reddedder · 04/05/2019 08:36

You didn’t get his text but that’s ok. He didn’t get your text and he’s lying?

b0bb1n · 04/05/2019 08:39

I think it's perfectly plausible, when he didn't receive your text, to assume perhaps you decided to stay out a bit longer. That would explain why he didn't show up at the station anyway.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/05/2019 08:42

You know of course that you can delete individual texts right?

I think your suspicious as hell and you have a right to be

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