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Original poster

I want a housewarming, partner doesn't- I think his reasons are unreasonable

57 replies

babyyoucanwarmmyhouse · 03/05/2019 23:03

Just bought a house with my partner. Would love to have a housewarming as I want to show off my lovely house and have a good time with our friends and family.
Problem- my partner will not have his parents there together.
Now- they have been divorced 10 years- both have new partner and neither have expressed any issues with being in the same room as each other.
He is flat out refusing a housewarming and thinks it will be fine for our wedding to be the first time they have to share a room because it's open etc.
He has admitted that it's his issue and he would feel uncomfortable and thinks everyone would be thinking and watching them (no one would know!)
I've said when we have children are we not able to have parties for them in the house? BBQs in the summer etc etc.
He just keeps repeating the wedding will be fine and I absolutely do not want this.

FWIW I think his parents will just say hello and not speak to each other - which I don't see an issue with.

What is the compromise here??

OP posts:
Tilikum · 04/05/2019 00:42

Is he usually so difficult? Why does he worry so much what people think about his parents? It's not the 1950s anymore, loads of people have been divorced!

His parents being in the same room together for the first time at your wedding sounds like an absolutely terrible idea. You need to warm them up and get them all (including your DP) accustomed to the new dynamic first.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/05/2019 00:42

Just invite friends - no family on either side. Job done.

AlunWynsKnee · 04/05/2019 00:47

One party for friends, one for your family and as many as it takes for his family.
Our wedding was a masterpiece of planning to cope with divorced parents but there was nothing to be gained by practice runs.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 04/05/2019 01:10

How about having the parents over for dinner (seperately) first then having the party for everyone else at another time?

Happynow001 · 04/05/2019 05:59

SandyY2K
His refusal to compromise isn't boding well for the rest of your life together.
Exactly this. ^^. Also his just shutting down having issued a veto isn't great either. There are a couple of threads on here where one partner doesn't compromise and just closes down the other and both heading towards divorce.

Hope you can get this mutually resolved OP.

PBobs · 04/05/2019 06:24

He sounds a little off his rocker. Personally I would be worried about what my future would look like with someone like this. I'm also bloody minded so would be planning that party. Up to him if he wants to come along and bring anyone.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 06:28

Bit odd. Is he always so worried about what people think?

ForalltheSaints · 04/05/2019 06:29

I'd not want a housewarming myself, but if I were to be in the position of the OP, I think a friends only gathering would be reasonable. Parents should each come separately, say for a meal.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/05/2019 06:41

Tell him it’d be a good rehearsal for the wedding 🙄

JenniferJareau · 04/05/2019 06:46

But he thinks that I shouldn't have one at all as people will be wondering why his family aren't there.

He spends a lot if time worrying about what other people think, doesn't he.

But he just says no- he doesn't want to for the aforementioned reasons and that our wedding day will be a great first test of throwing them together.

Doesn't bode well does it? He says no and won't compromise. How many other times will he do the same thing and not compromise because it is not 100% what he wants to do?

ukgift2016 · 04/05/2019 06:53

His refusal to compromise isn't boding well for the rest of your life together.

Yep, agree. Is he usually like this OP?

Maneandfeathers · 04/05/2019 06:55

No way would I ever want a party with both of my parents in the same room.
The whole thing would be uncomfortable beyond belief for me.

Sculpin · 04/05/2019 06:56

OP, it sounds like you have suggested lots of compromises and he has blocked all of them. Try setting them out for him all over again (plus any new ideas you've picked up from this thread!).

If he doesn't like parties and doesn't want to come, fine. But he shouldn't stop you having the party.

Tiredtessy · 04/05/2019 07:05

Omg that is pathetic, I’m sick of these ridiculous ex partners who can’t be in the same room! Imagine if there was an emergency or someone died, would you not all be in the same room? A friends DP do this even though they have been divorced forever and he is re married but it makes Christmas for the grandchildren incredibly Awkward plus their birthdays.

My parents are seperated but I only speak to DM but her DP gets on great with his Ex wife as does my DM.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 07:08

It’s your house too. If he’s that anti the party, you can have one without him. Just because he’s not happy to discuss it, he doesn’t get to dictate what you do in your home every single day. Otherwise that becomes controlling and is setting a bad precedent.

What will you do for example if you have children and want to have a naming ceremony / christening and then invite everyone back to yours?

Iggly · 04/05/2019 07:11

Just invite friends for the party.

Invite smaller groups of family at different times.

Vulpine · 04/05/2019 07:13

So he wants to stop a lovely happy event taking place because it might be awkward for him? He's a real joy Hoover. There is only one controlling person in this relationship and it ain't the op.

LazyYogi · 04/05/2019 07:14

Do what they did in Friends with Rachel's parents. Two parties with a parent at each thinking they're at the only party Grin

Nameusernameuser · 04/05/2019 07:19

At my son's first birthday we cramped about 20 people into our 2 bed flat. DPs mum, DPs dad and new partner and DPs dad's ex wife and her new partner, the ex wife is obviously DPs ex step mum but she helped raise him and deserved to be there.

Everyone just had to suck it up, it was fine.

Divgirl2 · 04/05/2019 07:30

30-40 people for a house warming? I'm assuming you're not students since you've bought a house - is it a big enough house for that many people? Are there at least three downstairs rooms? How many bathrooms?

The parents thing sounds like an excuse (granted, hell will freeze over before I invite my parents in to a room together, but I also wouldn't invite either of them to a party at my house).

Would he agree to a dinner party with friends instead?

AgentJohnson · 04/05/2019 07:34

His dismissiveness of your wants and refusal to countenance a compromise is a problem, one that won’t be solved by marriage. It’s time to say that his my way or the highway attitude is something that you can’t respect and you won’t feed his anxieties by sacrificing your needs.

Original poster
babyyoucanwarmmyhouse · 04/05/2019 11:08

@LazyYogi this is my next suggestion- let one in through the front and one through the back haha!

@Divgirl2 not that's it's relevant but house is plenty big enough for this many people.

His parents would be fine- it's not them that are the problem, they would just suck it up and get on with it for their son. It's him. It's his uncomfortableness.

I guess I'm worried that it's not just a housewarming, it's any party at all that I would want my family at. What if we have kids and they have birthday parties?

Also- I have a small group of friends and a large extended family I'm very close to- aunties/uncles and cousins- so having just friends round would not be a party.

But he's just said no and that's that.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/05/2019 11:18

I have already said I will have a party that he doesn't have to invite his family to or attend himself - he has said no to this.

But he's just said no and that's that.

No. He does not get to just say no and that's that. That is very much not how a relationship works, and if he thinks that it is, then you will be very unlikely to still want to marry him. Houses can be sold.

I suggest you make this very, very clear right now.

Don't be tempted to brush this off. This doesn't actually have anything to do with his parents. You've already quite reasonably made a few suggestions as to that, including not involving them at all in which case they'd meet at the wedding, as he prefers. Fine. You are accommodating and compromising with him on the thing HE is not happy with.

But that's not enough for him. A good partner (a good, reasonable person full stop!) would at that point meet you in the middle and say, yes, sorry but I wouldn't want to have them both at a house party. But obviously, fine for you to go ahead and have a party without them there.

But no. He wants complete control and thinks it's then ok for him to forbid you from having a party AT ALL. Nothing to do with his parents.

Not ok. Controlling, twatty, unacceptable.

Don't marry a person like this.

If this is the first time you've seen him try and throw his weight around, I suspect it's because now the house is safely bought he thinks he can get away with it, whereas before you could - and would - walk away.

Houses can be sold.

Divorce is expensive!

GabriellaMontez · 04/05/2019 11:18

Has he offered a compromise? Other than no parties? What about birthdays? A summer bbq? If this is a permanent veto you may want a rethink.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 04/05/2019 11:20

All future events should be interesting OP … wedding, christenings, childrens birthday parties

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