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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contact with non resident teenagers

45 replies

JaxLB · 03/05/2019 22:37

My ex and I split 2 years ago. I left him, and he is very bitter. He will not speak to me, be in the same room, or have any contact other than e mail. We are in the middle of a major fall out about the finances, which hasn't helped.

We have 3 teenage children. I left the ex matrimonial home. He does not work, and I knew if I did not leave he never would, he had nowhere else to go. It never occurred to me that the DC would not share their time as we (initially) arranged.

What has really hurt in the last 18 months is that the DC will only come over to my new house to stay one night a week. They visit two other nights (my ex and I live half a mile apart). They are fine with me whilst here, and at the limited other times I have managed to negotiate (one weekend a month, a week in the holidays). They just say they prefer being at home. But the ex is continually calling me to them, and I worry it is all sinking in and this is why they won't stay more often.

I have tried talking to them about how I think it is important for us to spend more time together; persuasion (otherwise known as bribery) - PS4, decorated rooms to their choice etc - waiting for it to settle down, crying (when I can't help it), sometimes what looks like acceptance.....

I get that it's hard for them to adapt. If it was just about how this makes me feel, then it would be what it is. But it is so hard to know what is going on with them when I only see for such limited time. I ask them questions, but get the classic teenage one word answers. I have considered applying for a contact order (for youngest two - eldest is over 16 so I can't) but worry that it will backfire and he will get more sympathy from them if I take him to court.

He will not communicate with me at all. Last week he took the youngest to have 2 teeth out and it all went wrong, and I didn't even know he was having the teeth out.

I could stand this if I thought that eventually it would all come good, or at least improve. Should I be more forceful/ legal/ back off?

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 03/05/2019 22:41

As they are teenagers they will be listened too. What do they want?

7yo7yo · 03/05/2019 22:43

I’d force the sale of the house.
Probably not the thing to do on mumsnet.

Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 22:44

Eldest two just want it like it is. They don't seem to give much priority to seeing me any more than now. My view is that avoids them having to feel like they made the conflict worse/ upset either of us.

Youngest has told me he would stay more....but "too difficult to arrange".

OP posts:
iolaus · 03/05/2019 22:46

From my own late teens - could it be that when they are with you you expect/want them to spend time with you - whereas when they are with your ex they can either go out with their friends or stay in their rooms?

Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 22:48

Lol! So tempted 7yo7yo. But can't do it to the DC.

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 03/05/2019 22:51

From their point of view, I can understand why they don’t want to live between two houses; it’s pretty shitty for them through no fault of their own. I have had to live between 2 houses at different times of my life (working away from home most of the week, and when my mum was ill) and it’s really not fun. From their point of view: you decided to move out

Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 22:52

Yes, I used to have expectations Walton-style of that one night a week. Night, Jim Bob.......have toned it down about what we "have" to do together on the one night a week.

I know at least some of this must be "normal" teenager behaviour.....some of it was happening before the split. But I just can't get a handle on their lives in such a limited time frame each week.

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 03/05/2019 22:55

Whether you and your ex had split or not, they are in their teens so would be “moving away” from you regardless. Unfortunately they don’t stay small forever

Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 22:59

Mammylamb, yes I did. So maybe that's it. Probably I was naive to think that anger would not follow, even if not on the surface.

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 03/05/2019 23:04

It might not be anger. It could just be that they have their own lives. As parents, we love our children more than they love us.

forestafantastica · 03/05/2019 23:05

Hrm. It might not even be anger, you know. I remember when I was a teen my mother was very unwell and used to get very upset with me for not being there for her enough and felt I was lashing out in some way. I even got sent to counseling.

But I wasn't angry. I was just a self absorbed teen and wanted my space and felt like I had nothing to say to my mum that she'd understand. My guess is that their priority right now is their own life and their friends and they don't want to be responsible for being their mum's emotional support or investing in deep and meaningful chats in a strange house three nights a week.

Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 23:06

Mammylamb, yes the "moving away" is hard to take. Even though it's necessary, and normal. It's hard to judge my own reactions now because of how so much has changed since the split. I don't feel I can trust my feelings. I just hope they come back to me at some point, but I worry about irreparable damage.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 23:11

Thanks forestafantastica - that's really interesting. I try not to be needy, and I am taking everything much less personally. How did it pan out between you and your mum later in life?

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 03/05/2019 23:19

If you are coming across as too emotionally demanding on your children (crying etc) then you are probably pushing them away.
My dad left when my brother and I were in our late teens. He expected us to be so sympathetic to him and as if the world revolved around him, and he was the great “I am”. He expected us to suddenly become a new family with his wife and her kids. He never seemed to consider our feelings at all and how we actually had our own lives.

Surfingtheweb · 03/05/2019 23:21

They probably feel stuck in the middle, if they spend time with you then it upsets their dad & as you left he has been able to play the victim (obviously he's not, if you were not happy it's ok for you to separate). I don't know how you can solve it, but I would send them texts everyday & try to stay in contact as much as you can. Maybe the legal route would take the "choice" away from them? Ie they have to stay so don't need to feel bad? Maybe you could try some family counselling with them to find out how they really feel?

Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 23:29

Thanks all. The lesson is to put them first, even if that's in a way that feels wrong. Surfingtheweb - I think they do feel stuck in the middle.

Mammylamb - sorry to hear that about your dad. Interesting as well.....

Keeping up with the contact with no response is hard, but we've all done much bigger sacrifices for our DC over the years!

OP posts:
Original poster
JaxLB · 03/05/2019 23:31

PS surfingtheweb - food for thought re the legals/ counselling. Ex would oppose it (obvs, legals, but also counselling) so don't know if the DC would do it. But I could ask them what they think.

OP posts:
Surfingtheweb · 04/05/2019 00:36

@JaxLB I have 2 kids of my own now 20 & nearly 18 & my husband has 2 17 & nearly 16. The counselling is worth a try, I know teens find it hard to talk. It really does sound like they are staying away from you so as not to upset their dad. Try & make time with you as free & easy as possible, no tears, no emotional pressure. Remember it might not even be what your ex says to them, it could just be them not wanting to upset him.

AuntMarch · 04/05/2019 00:42

Even resident parents don't see much of their teenage children. Try not to take it personally!

SuperheroBirds · 04/05/2019 01:01

My parents split when I was a teenager, and I’ll be honest it took years for my relationship with my mum to recover. My younger brother went to stay with her every other weekend, but I didn’t ever go. From my perspective at the time, she’d chosen to leave and rip our family apart why would I then disrupt my life further by staying with her away from my home with all my stuff?!
She was very emotionally needy (counting the hours spent with her versus dad on special occasions like Christmas and birthdays). I found any time spent with her both exhausting because of the neediness and infuriating because she never apologised and took responsibility for breaking up our family.

As an adult (rather than hormonal teenager), I can understand that she had her reasons and she thought she was doing what was best. But, it took a long time to rebuild our relationship. I think it is something that could only come with time, and if she’d suggested counselling back then I probably would not have reacted kindly.

Planetian · 04/05/2019 01:13

Can I ask why you split with your DH OP? Was there an affair? Perhaps they’re angry with you?

My parents separated in my late teens. It was my fathers fault and none of us ever really had time for him since, our loyalty lay with our mother. I was also quite self absorbed at that age and just didn’t care too much about anything but my own social life etc.

We tolerated him for many years, occasional meet ups for lunch/coffee but since having my own DC I felt pretty passed with him and his uselessness as a parent so I went NC which is easier.

You do sound like you really care though so I’m sure your situation is different. Keep showing interest in them and hopefully as your DC get older they will gravitate back to you. Try not to take their snubs too personally (I know how hard that must be though!)

ScreamScreamIceCream · 04/05/2019 01:13

Sorry OP but you are selfish and ignorant.

You have teenagers

They do what pleased themselves first and last if they can.

If you and your ex aren't communicating then they are mature enough to know to play you off against each other.

Plus due to their hormones and immature brains they want what is easiest for themselves and live with the parent who mostly lets them do what they like and doesn't give them emotional shit. So it is far easier to stay at the home they know than to come and visit you.

Also do not sell the family home otherwise they will resent you as adults. Work out what your ex is not giving them emotionally that would make them happier. If he's a good father - and there are a lot out there even though most women don't agree - then you are going to have to pug up with them visiting you for years.

Planetian · 04/05/2019 01:14

Pissed* not passed

Weenurse · 04/05/2019 01:25

How long until the youngest is 18 and you can sell?
Teens are moody and self absorbed, you may be better arranging for a regular meal out once a week.

AuntMarch · 04/05/2019 08:29

My parents split when I was a teen and thinking about it, I hardly ever stayed over at my dad's. But I probably spent more quality time with him than my mum, as when at home I'd be in my room. Which wasn't often as I was always out with friends. Whereas I saw my dad most Saturdays at some point.

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