Contact with non resident teenagers

[JaxLB]

My ex and I split 2 years ago. I left him, and he is very bitter. He will not speak to me, be in the same room, or have any contact other than e mail. We are in the middle of a major fall out about the finances, which hasn't helped.

We have 3 teenage children. I left the ex matrimonial home. He does not work, and I knew if I did not leave he never would, he had nowhere else to go. It never occurred to me that the DC would not share their time as we (initially) arranged.

What has really hurt in the last 18 months is that the DC will only come over to my new house to stay one night a week. They visit two other nights (my ex and I live half a mile apart). They are fine with me whilst here, and at the limited other times I have managed to negotiate (one weekend a month, a week in the holidays). They just say they prefer being at home. But the ex is continually calling me to them, and I worry it is all sinking in and this is why they won't stay more often.

I have tried talking to them about how I think it is important for us to spend more time together; persuasion (otherwise known as bribery) - PS4, decorated rooms to their choice etc - waiting for it to settle down, crying (when I can't help it), sometimes what looks like acceptance.....

I get that it's hard for them to adapt. If it was just about how this makes me feel, then it would be what it is. But it is so hard to know what is going on with them when I only see for such limited time. I ask them questions, but get the classic teenage one word answers. I have considered applying for a contact order (for youngest two - eldest is over 16 so I can't) but worry that it will backfire and he will get more sympathy from them if I take him to court.

He will not communicate with me at all. Last week he took the youngest to have 2 teeth out and it all went wrong, and I didn't even know he was having the teeth out.

I could stand this if I thought that eventually it would all come good, or at least improve. Should I be more forceful/ legal/ back off?

What was your relationship like with your DCs before the split? Did you do 50:50 parenting with your Ex or did one of you do more than the other?

Thanks all. No affair. The split is my "fault" in that it was initiated by me, he would have gone on for years as we were. He has consistently told the kids that it was all me and that nothing was wrong, his view is that I've gone some kind of middle-aged mad.

@SuperheroBirds - gosh I can empathise with your mum. It must have killed her when you didn't visit. The DC don't seem angry when with me or in discussion and they do come regularly, it just isn't the 50/50 I thought it would be (probably stupidly). I think the comments on here about teenagers being mainly concerned with themselves are probably spot on. And if they are blaming me underneath for the split being my fault, then hopefully as they grow they might be able to see another side.

@Planetian - interesting to see an outcome later in life for the parental relationship, even though not a happy result. I'm hoping that continued effort and connection on my part as they grow will be enough for them not to feel as you do about your dad. You're right about not taking things personally. And about it being hard!

@ScreamScreamIceCream - it is a good point re what my ex can't do for them emotionally. Based on our relationship, that might be quite a lot, although he is not a bad father in a practical sense.

@Weenurse Several years until youngest is old enough for me to sell the house, but I could not do that to them, even though my ex is not in a position to buy me out so I am funding them all.

I've never posted on here before....thanks for all the input. It has been really helpful.

@AuntMarch - interesting re your perception of contact. Actually the DC often say things like that ie no, been in my room all day at home.

@booboostwo - he doesn't currently work. He would say he does more, and has done all the time. But for 10 years we each worked 4 days a week, then he lost his job so I went full time.

I would say approaching 50/50, even when I was full time - I always had them at weekends, he would go out with his mates (they all share a hobby).. And from getting in from work to bedtime, it was all me, he would be online due to said hobby. But he was in when they got home from school.

Sorry OP but you are selfish and ignorant.

no she isn’t. Why has there always got to be one arsehole that comes along to put the boot in on these kinds of threads?

Sorry you're having to go through all of this.
As teenagers a court order would be useless and would probably damage your relationship with them.
Contact is now down to them and unfortunately as others have posted teenagers prefer to do they're own thing.
Have you gotten legal advice with regards to the house? Do you pay maintenance?

I split with my ex - no animosity between us in our case but I moved out. I have worked away much of my kids life and ex works from home so the children stayed with him. The DCs come as and when - I hate it but I absolutely will not pressure them for my own sake. The closest I have come is one of my lads choosing to go to a carnival this weekend rather than to me and me telling him he was entirely prohibited from saying at 25 that I didn’t make enough time for him. He made a solemn vow to that effect.

They are autonomous people, make the time for them but they get to choose whether they take it up or not

If you did lots of the parenting and then you left their quality of life has probably gone down hill and the change that is obvious is you leaving. They could be feeling some resentment towards you for "causing" all this. But, as others have said, they're teenagers and teenagers don't generally prioritise spending time with their parents. And try not to put your emotions on to them, if you make them feel responsible for your happiness they're likely to withdraw even more. An emotionally needy parent is really difficult for a child to have to cope with.
Relationships with children change massively when they're teens and on top of that their living situation has changed massively. I think you might find it easier to go with the flow a little and make the most of your situation rather than trying to make your dream family set up.

@Contraceptionismyfriend - thanks for the support. Yes, I have had legal advice and I do pay CMS maintenance. Financially we have a dispute going on and the advice is that he is on weak ground. I could force the sale of the house but I won't. I'm happy with that decision, it is the right one. It's just the other finances that we are in dispute about.

But all of that I can manage....it's the DC situation which is the one which floors me, emotionally. It is encouraging to read on here though about people's later experiences looking back to the teenagers they were. And I think that's right about a contact order, it's their views which end up counting.

@CarolDanvers - I was taken aback at the tone of that comment. But the rest of the comment has made me look at things in a different way, and that's very valuable.

It's so easy to go about thinking your approach is right and the only way, and then not being able to understand when others don't seem to agree. At the end of the day, putting the needs of the DC before mine might mean I see them less, and I'm not ok about that, but they are - they don't necessarily see it as a judgement on the quality of our relationship as I feel it is. They are just teenagers.

@QueenofallIsee - really interesting to hear this. I have blamed some of the reduced contact on my ex and his animosity, and maybe I'm being unfair. Made me laugh about the festival. I was not allowed to go to one at the age of 19 (nothing to do with any separation) and I have not forgotten how unfair that felt! I might keep the vow wording for future use :)

@Boom45 - the comforting thing on here is the consistency of the "teenagers are as they are" response. I do need to try harder to relax with them, and make little/no emotional demands. I find it really hard, much harder than pretty much anything I've ever done bar the leaving my ex. Which might reflect a fairly sheltered life up to now.

Do you live further away from their school? How would they get there and back from yours? Teens are lazy and want an easy life

You say teenagers but that’s a huge age spectrum, how old are they? Are you expecting them to hang out at yours or have you suggested doing things eg who wants to go to Nando this week with no pressure if they say yes or no. Try to see them individually too.

@Onceuponacheesescake - we are about the same from the school. But I think there is a laziness element in terms of having to organise themselves to bring uniform, books etc the night before. I have three boys and their organisation (or lack of) has always been a feature of our lives!

@octonoughtcake3 they are 14, 15 and 17. I initially thought they would hang out at mine whenever they wanted, then when I didn't happen I kept organising places for us to go. But financially I just couldn't keep it up every week. They do just come round and play Playstation etc, so they will hang out in their designated hours. Interesting point re individually - it's hard to achieve but probably more rewarding. For them and me, hopefully.

Can you arrange pick ups/drop offs with your youngest by text with them?

That's what we do with DPs teenagers, they know they can text or call and we'll go and get them (bit different, they're 2 hours away) and they can stay as long or as little as they like. It's actually become a really good arrangement because it suits them and our younger kids too.

I'm sorry things are rough, I hope things get better soon

@InTheHeatOfLisbon - sometimes. I took it that he meant that he doesn't want to have the conversation with his dad, but maybe not......I should ask him rather than just assume. I have been somewhat discouraged about texting them just to keep in touch, often they don't reply. But thinking I need to just keep it up whether they respond or not.

Thanks for the support. I live in hope things will get more relaxed.

Not replying is hurtful, but also the nature of teenagers I think. They can't understand it and probably won't until they have their own teenagers.

DSDs don't always reply, and sometimes it feels like we're at their beck and call. But equally we've made a conscious decision to let them know we're available when they want us/need us without pressure which means sometimes swallowing feeling hurt (which is totally understandable) in order to keep the lines of communication open if that makes any sense?

I'm a bit crap at explaining sometimes but I guess what I mean is keeping the door open and the relationship going is the priority and just accepting that teenagers can be and often are selfish is part of that. But I do understand that it's hurtful and difficult for you too.

Why did you leave him with the children rather than taking them with you?

Why did you leave him with the children rather than taking them with you?

Why is it only ever women who are asked this?

I have 3 teens with my ex. He lived here until they were all primary school age and seems to have a very romanticized view of life with teens. Unlike you, he doesn't seem to be bothered about not knowing about their life and assumes that they will tell him anything important. He doesn't even check the school website for term dates or read the school newsletter (on the website) about what's going on at their school.

My oldest is 18 and while I can name his girlfriend, he's very private so I can't name any of his friends at school. He spends weekends at his part-time job/socialising/sleeping and so I have no clue what's going on in his life. His mess is the only sign that he's alive. The other 2 spend a lot of time in their rooms. They can be tempted out by food though. Ex organizes trips to museums etc (like when they were younger) and ends up disappointed when they don't enjoy it as much. He texts them and is disappointed that they give 1 word replies hours later. They never initiate contact apart from when contact interferes with another activity (say a sleepover) There is a major laziness element to this ("how are you?" is a boring question I suppose) but as the RP I'm hopeless to change this.

Definitely by 17 I spend very little time with my parents.