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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dcs dad unreasonable?

39 replies

elliot18 · 03/05/2019 21:48

We've been split up 5 years. He moved 130 miles away when we split and his remained there ever since.

He has the dcs every other weekend, they travel to him and we meet half way. Dd is now 7, she was 2 when we split.

The issue is birthday parties!

At this time of year there's a lot of parties going on which dd gets invited too.

She's been invited to one next week which we have declined as dd said she wanted to see her dad.

But she's been invited to another one a couple of weeks after which she really wants to go to - it's one of her very good school friends and it's a unicorn party. She came out of school with her invite so excited.

I spoke to the ex about it and he said she shouldn't go. It's his time and it messes everything up he says.

I told him he should be prepared for this, dd is getting older and wants to be with her friends. It's not her fault her dad lives so many miles away!

Ds would still go for that weekend but dd wouldn't. The party is on the Saturday evening and too far to travel for 1 day. Alternative weekends also dont work either side as he works and plays football on those weekends.

I do understand what he's saying but he needs to understand that she's getting older!

Is he bu?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 03/05/2019 21:49

Yes I think he is being unreasonable.

Original poster
elliot18 · 03/05/2019 21:51

I just wanted other opinions as I struggle to see things from his point of view with most things

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 03/05/2019 21:54

It's his time to do what he wants with his children however if it was my child i would arrange for them to go to the party. Neither party is in the wrong but someone will not get what they want.

MumUnderTheMoon · 03/05/2019 22:02

Offer to change weekends with him. He will have to be more flexible as she gets older and so will you why not point out to him that things will change for you as well.

Original poster
elliot18 · 03/05/2019 22:10

@MumUnderTheMoon I am flexible but he isn't with work and his football. I have told him it's going to keep happening when things crop up. And when she's a teenager, it will be completely different

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 03/05/2019 22:24

The irony that he can't miss football but your dd has to miss parties Confused Nope stand your ground. Sorry buddy but you chose to move 130 miles away, these things are going to happen from time to time. Your dd shouldn't miss out because he didn't stay closer

Original poster
elliot18 · 03/05/2019 22:30

@CalmdownJanet thanks, that's the way i see it too. It's just not fair on dd. He doesn't see her running out of school with her invite all excited. I looked at the date and my heart sank as I knew it was her weekend with her dad.

I'm standing my ground on it, I've already rsvp'd to the parent.

It's just going to cause issues in the long run. Ds loves going to his dads but dd hates all the travelling and how tired it makes her.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2019 22:34

He’s being very unreasonable. He moved, he should do the travelling, and it’s inevitable your DC will have parties to go to which he could take them to on his weekends if he hadn’t gone so far away!

My DSC is the one who moved, my DH does all pick up and drop offs and we facilitate activities and parties and anything else they need.

Swapping weekends makes the most sense and he’s being a knob to prioritise stupid bloody football over seeing his children and letting them have social lives.

Crazycatlady99 · 03/05/2019 22:39

I grew up like this, every other weekend at a different home. I resented the parent whose house was far away from all events. Left home asap. Dont put your ex first.

Original poster
elliot18 · 03/05/2019 22:41

In all fairness he does work as well on his free weekend but I agree he is a knob!

He doesn't really know her thar well, i.e who her friends are, her teachers name, what's going on at school so he doesn't have a clue about how much she wants to go!

And we do miss some! Like next weekend, she isn't going to that one.

OP posts:
Original poster
elliot18 · 03/05/2019 22:43

@Crazycatlady99 think this will be my dd. I'll never put him first. Or even second! I've moved on and got married. Dcs are always number 1.

Sorry you had a crappy experience x

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 03/05/2019 22:44

He is completely unreasonable, but I doubt he will want to make an effort to understand why.

All you can do is insist that your dd gets to go to her party.

Original poster
elliot18 · 04/05/2019 11:05

@Cranky17 yes he just doesn't see it. Sad really, he just doesn't get it. Dd is most definitely attending the party

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 04/05/2019 11:11

Why doesn't he travel to you for the weekend and take her to the party? If he's not flexible they will start missing weekends as they get older and want to go to events, parties, competitions etc. He has to make some effort to be part of their life not just the other way around!

Leeds2 · 04/05/2019 11:15

Could he not have DS on Saturday as usual, overnight, then drive DS all the way home on Sunday, rather than meeting half way, and take DD and DS out locally on the Sunday.

confusedandemployed · 04/05/2019 11:19

Sorry, but if he wants to see his DD that weekend he needs to do all the travelling. I think you've been more than accommodating over the years doing half the driving, but his wants can't trump his daughter's. Time for him to be a dad and put her first.

Original poster
elliot18 · 04/05/2019 11:29

Thanks for the latest responses. I've suggested him getting ds and then bringing him back in Sunday to see dd before when parties have occurred but I just get told 'it's too far and I'm not made of money'

He's crap tbh, I've dealt with that and most things I don't even bother to argue with him anymore. But obviously dd is getting older and this will be an issue.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 04/05/2019 11:40

"you can still see her, you'll just have to come here for once and get a hotel instead of them making all the sacrifices"

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2019 11:40

It's a tricky one. If you only saw your DD eow and she wanted to do something at her dads on your weekend, you might just feel the same. If she misses the weekend with him, it will be a month that he doesn't see her.
Imagine if you didn't see her for a month?
Ok so he could possibly change things round so that she could go to the party, and maybe he's just putting his foot down. You're the one that wants her to go to the party, so I actually think you should be the one to drive her to her dads afterwards.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 11:41

You're right, this is going to come up more and more as the dc get older. It's understandable that they want to attend parties and events with their friends and IMO it's important for their friendships to be able to do that. Obviously it's also important they have a relationship with their dad but as time goes on the way that relationship is maintained has to adapt.

He needs to grasp that it's not as simple as it's my time with them and it's unfair on the dc to be so intransigent. He has "fixed" plans such as football that he's not prepared to change but dc don't have control over potential plans, they can't know in advance what weekend they might be invited to a party and they certainly have no say about where their parents live!

I think you're right to let her attend the party, you've made other suggestions that he's dismissed so it's up to him to come up with a solution.

AuntMarch · 04/05/2019 11:42

But also, football season finishes about now. He could probably take holiday or swap shifts with someone if he was that bothered!

JenniferJareau · 04/05/2019 11:46

He is being unreasonable. He won’t miss his football to have his kids the weekend after but demands his dd misses her much longed for party.

Nnnnnineteen · 04/05/2019 11:50

When I had similar issues, I eventually used to get dd to phone her father to have the discussion. I was not going to keep covering his arse or be the one who had to deal with the upset he never saw. He could tell her himself she couldn't go, but I was not being bad cop on his behalf.

Youseethethingis · 04/05/2019 11:51

It says a lot about the man that his 7 year old child is willing to compromise (by missing the next party) but he is not willing to.
If he wants his daughter to continue to WANT to see him as she gets older, he will have to change.

Original poster
elliot18 · 04/05/2019 11:52

@Soontobe60 absolutely not. I'm not driving her 3 hours to get to her dads, she wouldn't get there until 11pm. He likes to set off back with them at lunchtime on Sunday so what would be the point? How is that fair on dd?

I have said I see his point and I do. But he moved away and he cannot expect our dcs to miss out on social things because of his choice.

As any parents, we have to constantly go out of our way for the sake of our kids. He has the dcs 2 days out of 14 and he refuses to help out. He could travel and take her to the party and give the dcs a break from travelling!

OP posts:
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