Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be irritated and a little sad...

33 replies

resipsa · 03/05/2019 17:25

that DH is supposed to be having a TOIL day but instead has been holed up in his home office since the kids came home from school, having spent the day preparing for his next trip? He went on an overseas work trip from last Saturday to Wednesday and is off again on Saturday for nine days. He was in London until late on Thursday. He saw the kids after school on Wednesday. That's pretty much it for, what, 2 weeks (inc BH weekend). I know work is important (I work too) but feel really sad about the fact he clearly isn't bothered...

OP posts:

mbosnz · 03/05/2019 17:26

You are not unreasonable to be feeling so. I'm sorry, that is unacceptable. He has duties and commitments to his family too.

Smoothyloopy · 03/05/2019 19:26

MrsMozartMkII · 03/05/2019 19:28

That's shit.

What's he say when you talk to him about it?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/05/2019 19:31

I'd go in there and tell him to stop work and participate. It's not on to opt out of family life and assume you will happily pick up his slack wrt the children.
Work is important but it's not everything. I assume he'd like his relationships to work out too and that requires some effort on his part.

starzig · 03/05/2019 19:38

What is his salary?
Would you be prefer him to give it up for a nice 9 to 5 at a supermarket?
Would you be happy with the possible salary drop?

N0Time · 03/05/2019 19:42

Starzig why do you feel the need to be so patronising?

LEDadjacent · 03/05/2019 19:45

Routinely travelling on a Saturday isn’t great. Is there a reason he can’t leave on Sunday to be there for the work week?

IsYourGoogleBroken · 03/05/2019 19:50

I suppose he's doing what decent men do, working, putting a roof over his kids head and food in their bellies.

Armadillostoes · 03/05/2019 19:53

Was your post intended to be sarcastic IsyourGoogle? If not, perhaps you should return to the 1950s.

luckylavender · 03/05/2019 19:56

Why do you think @IsYourGoogleBroken was being sarcastic?

HollaHolla · 03/05/2019 20:00

I regularly travel on a Saturday for work. It’s to get to the Far East in time for the work week to start - and to get some rest on a Sunday evening. The other option would be to leave Sunday, and arrive 6.30am for a week’s work.
Believe me, there’s things I’d also rather be doing on a weekend.

ControversialFerret · 03/05/2019 20:01

Did previous posters miss the fact that the Op works as well? Or is her contribution so insignificant that it can't possibly make a dent in the costs concerned when keeping a roof over the family's head?

I have a pretty demanding job. I have to work long hours frequently and travel quite extensively, sometimes with only 24 hours' notice. I still manage to make time to see my family and friends.

NCforthis2019 · 03/05/2019 20:05

Its tough isn’t it. Before kids both of used to travel. Now we have to coordinate- my husband came back on Saturday after 2.5 weeks and next week I’m off for a week. Then I come back, see him for a day and he’s off for 5 days. I totally understand how you feel op.

Armadillostoes · 03/05/2019 20:13

Luckylavender-because it was such a peculiar and dramatic comment for 2019. The idea that men have a responsibility to provide financially in a way that women do not is outdated to out it kindly, as is the concept that this financial provision somehow absolves them from any obligation to actually parent. Both mothers and fathers need to make sure that children are materially and emotionally well looked after, how this works in practice depends on circumstances.

I hoped that the poster realised this and was trying to mock the inevitable apologists who will come on this thread and suggest that the father doesn't need to engage with his kids. Maybe that was optimistic.

starzig · 03/05/2019 20:15

Controvesialferret: I would be equally astounded by the comments if OP's husband was complaining about OP's hours. It's not about who is doing the hours, it is the fact that most professional jobs can't just be switched off and if a family want to make a decent income you can't complain about 1 person or both putting in hours.

luckylavender · 03/05/2019 20:21

Exactly @starzig. Life is more demanding. We have a small snapshot of what is happening here with no context. But on balance, I'd commend his attitude far more than a layabout.

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2019 20:24

You are NBU OP. There have to be boundaries put in place. Work can not become the be all and end all.

Have you spoken to him about how his family also needs his time and attention?

Armadillostoes · 03/05/2019 20:25

It's a question of balancing responsibilities. I feel sorry for the children of people who don't see that. A work ethic is commendable, but not to the point of failing to make time for children. If you don't want to do that, don't become a parent. Lots of professionals manage to juggle, it is a poor excuse to claim it isn't possible.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/05/2019 20:27

I think you can complain, quite legitimately, if 'putting in hours' means your partner neglecting your children and putting all the childcare work onto you.
Even if the OP was a sahm she would be entitled to more input from her husband because the children are entitled to this from their dad.

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2019 20:27

it is the fact that most professional jobs can't just be switched off and if a family want to make a decent income you can't complain about 1 person or both putting in hours.

I absolutely understand demanding jobs that cant just be switched off. I have one. However there have to be limits and sensible boundaries.

He needs to make time for his family too and push back on work where necessary. It was a TOIL day, which he should have been using to participate in family life.

JessieMcJessie · 03/05/2019 20:31

Did he tell you in advance that he was going to have to work today? Does he give you any specifics about what it is he has to do, or are you treated as if you could never understand? Does he ever tell you about the dynamics of his work- a demanding boss, an incompetent junior, a really difficult client etc? My husband and I both do senior professional jobs which can bleed into family time, and I have definitely been guilty of using a scheduled leave day to catch up, but we talk to each other in as much detail as we can without revealing confidential client information. Sometimes we even give each other advice about how to tackle specific work problems, even though our fields are different. In that context, if he is truly overwhelmed with work I know enough to understand that he genuinely doesn’t have any choice. If he didn’t share the details with me I would be very piases off indeed.

SilverySurfer · 03/05/2019 20:33

I always wonder when I read threads like this whether the OP would prefer her DH to be a SAHD and she be the one to work, earning a similar salary which may also involve long hours and travel? Or, as has been suggested, the DH give up his lucrative career and work in the local supermarket 9-5 with plenty of time at home?

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2019 20:35

I think the OP would like him to just take his TOIL day like a normal person

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/05/2019 20:41

Yeah, it's not one thing or the other. If you have kids you owe it to them to participate in their lives. The OP is also entitled to some help and support or even just some company. Otherwise what's the point of being in a relationship?
Too many men think they can have kids and just carry on like before and their wives will do all the adjusting.

Normaknowall · 03/05/2019 20:49

PP on here are very judgy today.
The OP is not, as I read it, asking her DH to quit his job to stack shelves nor is she apparently luxuriating in his massive earnings whilst moaning about his having to work.
She is simply asking if she is being U to expect that when her DH has a day off he spends some of it with her and his children, having worked away for most of the previous fortnight.
I have a demanding job, my OH does too, most people I know do so yes OP, YANBU to expect a supposedly responsible and senior person who can manage conflicting priorities perfectly well in a work context, to be able to prioritise their families for part of a day. After all, the OP has done so.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread