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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

extended family and lack of support with bereavement

33 replies

milaj · 03/05/2019 11:35

AIBU to put distance with extended family after not acknowledging my father’s passing?

My dad passed away a month ago today. He lived in a different country , but my in laws have met him at our wedding and few other family gatherings.
I appreciate he was nearly 90 and his death has not been tragic in the sense that he had a long fullfiling life, however we had a special bond and I am very sad and missing him terribly.
My husband has three siblings, and this is my only family in the UK as my birth family lives in my native country. Only his sister sent me a heartfelt message of condolence when it happened. Now they are expecting us to host the whole family for a meal in our house this bank holiday.
I am so upset by their lack of kindness and humanity. There’s never been any kind of bad feelings or arguments amongst us, it is just pure thoughtlessness and lack of sensitivity I guess. Still I’m grieving for my dad and find it very hurtful. My husband just makes excuses for them and told me I was bein unreseanable after I told them I don’t want them in our house until they show some basic manners, so now I’m angry at him as well. I would never allow my birth family to behave in that way towards him even if he didn’t mind it.

AIBU here? Please enlighten me!

OP posts:
tanpestryfirescreen · 03/05/2019 11:39

My BIls (married to DH sister) brother and mother died very recently. I didn't send anything, when I saw them I asked how he was. I had met them three times (wedding christening another wedding) maybe. I think that is normal?

Brefugee · 03/05/2019 11:43

@milaj I am very sorry for your loss. No matter when it comes, the loss of a parent often knocks people for six. Flowers

I'm sorry your husband and his family don't seem to be acknowledging the depth of your loss and feeling, but to be honest, I rarely contact my in-laws and probably wouldn't even in such a case.

Having said that, it's a bit much expecting someone recently bereved to host a big party. Is there any way you can go out for the day alone? or suggest your husband nips off to a pizza place or something for a big takeaway so at least you don't have to prepare food?

Neolara · 03/05/2019 11:47

I'm afraid I agree with the others. I wouldn't necessarily expect my sil to contact me if my parents died and I didn't contact my sil when her parent died. I think this is fairly normal, although it obviously depends on how close to your in law's and the exte

Witchend · 03/05/2019 11:51

I wouldn't expect to get anything from dh's family in that situation.

The dinner party depends. I think it probably needs to be you saying you don't feel up to it though. They may just as easily be thinking how long they are to be coming round to you so you have company.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 03/05/2019 11:51

It was kind of your SIL to get in touch to express sympathy and I'm sorry the rest didn't. However unless they are totally insensitive, I think it is very likely they will say something face to face when they see you. People worry about upsetting the bereaved by a clumsy comment but often go to the other extreme of staying quiet.

From your husband's point of view he may think your loss shows the importance of keeping up with family hence arranging to host a meal at your home. If the bulk of the effort normally falls to you, he can share the load.
Nobody will mind if you step out of the room for a breather if you find things tough.

I recall someone briskly telling me, "Life goes on" very soon after their parent died, I was shocked but everyone reacts differently.

hippospot · 03/05/2019 12:04

I was very hurt when my in-laws didn't even mention a significant bereavement in my family. It was inconceivable to me not to even acknowledge my loss even though they didn't know the person who died (they know ME though!)

Maybe they will say something in person, maybe not.

So I understand why you feel hurt.

blubblubblub · 03/05/2019 12:05

How close is the family in general? I had a sibling die and didn't hear from my FIL or BIL at the time. They didn't have a relationship with my sibling, so I was ok with that. If my BIL's parent died I don't think I'd contact them about it. I'd mention it next time I saw them but wouldn't make an effort to just for their bereavement.

tanpestryfirescreen · 03/05/2019 12:45

I have been reflecting on my previous answer, I lost think that I would have been intruding on a family occasion to attend the funeral and trying to engage with the about it may have seemed like I was pushing myself in etc. I really didn't know them well- sounds similar to the OP.

Maybe it is something that is culturally different?

Pinkprincess1978 · 03/05/2019 13:29

I find this odd, my ex sil has her dad die quite recently (and suddenly) I commented on the FB post that she announced it on anc also sent her a direct message to tell her how sorry I was and to reiterate my offer to help with my nephew and niece if she needed. We are not very close at all but she is still family.

I would feel hurt then non of them as reached out even just a text to say they are thinking of you.

SummerInSun · 03/05/2019 13:45

Are you sure that they haven't told your DH that they are sorry and asked him to - or assumed he would - pass in the message to you? Unless you have a direct line of communication with them separate from him, that would be more natural. I think you'll find that they are waiting to see you in person to say "I'm sorry about your dad". People struggle with what to do and say in the face of bereavement, especially if there isn't a local funeral for them to attend that would make the appropriate time to say something clear.

I guess what I'm really saying is, don't assume that just because they haven't contacted you in the way you believe it is obvious they should, that they don't care. British people in particular are very reticent about these things (I'm an immigrant from a more open culture).

cleanasawhistle · 03/05/2019 14:13

I dont think it matters that you husbands family only met your dad a fews times....the card or acknowledgement is to support you at this hard time.
Depends how close you think you are to your husbands family.

nutellalove · 03/05/2019 14:30

I don't think YABU at all. The posters who say they ignored the death of their BIL/SIL parent I find very truly odd. Sorry for your loss Thanks

nutellalove · 03/05/2019 14:32

Sorry Forgot to add. I don't think it matters how many times you met the person who passed away. My friends grandma passed away last week, I had never met her, I still sent a condolence message HmmConfused

milaj · 03/05/2019 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TemporaryPermanent · 03/05/2019 16:05

I do think the depth of your anger is part of your grief. YANBU to feel it though, and it's not impressive that they are just ignoring such a significant event. I can say that I've been terrible at this sort of thing in the past, but that doesn't mean it's ok, just that I was shit.

Don't host. Go to a restaurant or just say you're not up to it and other arrangements will have to be made, by someone else.

I have known quite a few marriages end or come under huge strain when a person feels unsupported after the death of a parent. It's an unacknowledged reason for divorce imo. Keep talking to your dh, you wont always feel .so furious with him. Talk to your GP about Cruse or any other bereavement services.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/05/2019 16:10

I am sorry for your loss

Don’t take this badly but when very old people pass away the attitude can be less heartfelt to the bereaved . A misplaced sense of ‘well they were old and had good innings ‘ . That of course doesn’t minimise your loss . I know
But maybe they wrongly don’t think it’s suxh a big deal ? And we all go a bit loopy when we grieve . I did

Just to say it might be lack of understanding than a genuine lack of care Flowers

May he rest in peace

Original poster
milaj · 03/05/2019 16:12

I really think we are missing the point about this topic. It doesn’t matter at all whether they knew him or not, I am part of the family and he was a direct relative.

I don’t understand either how sending a message saying “I am sorry for your loss” is considered “making an effort”, it is 20 seconds of your life and the human thing to do in my opinion.

What kind of society are we in that people are close enough to come to your house and enjoy your hospitality / ask for favours regarding childcare but cannot make the “supreme effort” to send a brief message out of respect? I’m not talking attending a funeral here, just a basic message of support ? And no, they haven’t passed the condolences to my husband either. My children have lost their grandad and they are their aunties and uncles. What is family for then?

OP posts:
Chocolatepeanuts · 03/05/2019 16:18

I agree with you OP. If my parent were to die in the same country as me and the ILs i know for a fact they would be at the wake and/or funeral. Another country obviously not but i think its awful they couldnt send a message. A sympathy card would be what i would imagine until they get a chance to see you and give their condolences in person. Im sorry for your loss xx

Original poster
milaj · 03/05/2019 16:21

And thanks for the messages of support, btw, Thanks God some people are on the same wavelength about basic etiquete on this matter.

Yesterday my friends cat was run over and I sent her a message of support because I know it will be very sad for her children and the family.

Going through the loss of a loved one makes you realise what’s important in life. My dad was a great person, I try to live by her example, and he would have never thought this was ok.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/05/2019 16:23

OP I hear you
Really a basic message is normal and expected . I send them to people I know and work colleagues routinely . Flowers

But also be aware your grief is also playing this and - it’s OK to be angry Flowers

Praiseyou · 03/05/2019 16:36

YANBU. I cannot believe there are people that wouldn't send a card to their in-laws following a death in the family.

I would tell them how hurt you feel. DH shouldn't be making excuses for them. I would not be hosting them until they showed some basic manners.

Sorry for your loss. There is some comfort in the fact that your dad had a long life but you still only have one dad so of course you will be upset and miss him.

violetgrey · 03/05/2019 17:40

OP I’m so sorry for your loss.💐

I was quite shocked to see some of the replies. Your expectation of your in laws is normal and it’s weird not to acknowledge your loss. They could send a card, flowers, text messages to express their condolences if they find it uncomfortable to call. Take care of yourself.

Bunbunbunny · 03/05/2019 17:51

I find it odd they didn't message you, it was your DF you lost regardless of age. My family would reach out if that happened. A message of condolence takes no time at all

SilverViking · 03/05/2019 19:43

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

I live in Ireland and it is a very different culture to death and funerals than some parts of UK. Here in-laws, neighbours, friends and often colleagues of the deceased and the close family members will visit the wake and go to the funeral. It is seen as respect for the deceased and also more importantly as support to the family. It feels right to offer a handshake or hug to family members to acknowledge their loss.

Everyone here understands the grief you are going through, and know you will have a dark difficult time ahead, especially in the first year. But at some time things will get lighter... even though you can never replace your loved one.

Take care of yourself, and allow yourself to grieve.

IvanaPee · 03/05/2019 19:47

I think it’s awful that they didn’t reach out! It’s not about whether they knew him or not.

Sending you a message saying “sorry for your loss” is basic human decency!

Aside from all of that though, your husband expecting you to host people for dinner is beyond disgraceful! Wtf is wrong with him???