extended family and lack of support with bereavement

[milaj]

AIBU to put distance with extended family after not acknowledging my father’s passing?

My dad passed away a month ago today. He lived in a different country , but my in laws have met him at our wedding and few other family gatherings.
I appreciate he was nearly 90 and his death has not been tragic in the sense that he had a long fullfiling life, however we had a special bond and I am very sad and missing him terribly.
My husband has three siblings, and this is my only family in the UK as my birth family lives in my native country. Only his sister sent me a heartfelt message of condolence when it happened. Now they are expecting us to host the whole family for a meal in our house this bank holiday.
I am so upset by their lack of kindness and humanity. There’s never been any kind of bad feelings or arguments amongst us, it is just pure thoughtlessness and lack of sensitivity I guess. Still I’m grieving for my dad and find it very hurtful. My husband just makes excuses for them and told me I was bein unreseanable after I told them I don’t want them in our house until they show some basic manners, so now I’m angry at him as well. I would never allow my birth family to behave in that way towards him even if he didn’t mind it.

AIBU here? Please enlighten me!

I think it's odd they didn't send a condolence card. I certainly do, even if I don't know the deceased.

For example my cousin's in laws died recently. I don't recall meeting them (I probably did as I was his bridesmaid when he got married) but I sent a card to his wife (it was her parents) as soon as I heard.

But my family do cards for everything - I know that lots of others don't.

Sorry for your loss op. Agree you should not host if it don't feel up to it.

I think it's poor form that they didn't contact you or send a card or even a sympathy message. Relatives of Dh came to my parents funerals and they'd have only met them at our wedding years ago.

Don't see why they should be expecting that you host a dinner for them - do you normally do that? I'd say that you are not feeling up to it so soon after your dad's death. Let them piss off and cook their own dinner.

I understand where you are coming from. When my dad died I did get cards from my ILs but when I next saw them there was no mention of him at all even though I had missed a family holiday because I could not face going. I found it v hurtful.

But I wonder if they have both parents alive? I think some people have absolutely no idea how big a loss a parent is until it happens. I know I was probably useless before then too.

Sorry for your loss

It's rude and hurtful. My df died recently and my dh's family have been amazing. Regular calls and texts to offer support and condolences.

As you explained they are concerned for my DD's too. They have lost their grandfather.

But people can be scared by death and the grief surrounding losing a parent. Some would rather ignore it rather than say the wrong thing.

It does sound a bit thoughtless, but I think you are completely over reacting telling "them I don’t want them in our house until they show some basic manners"
What does that say about you and your lack of hospitality and manners?
Didn't you say they are the only family you have in this country ? Isn't it normal to host family for meals now and then ?

So what do you mean , that on top of being unkind and lacking basic human decency I have to feed and entertain them and as well? Isn’t that that called taking people for granted?
And regarding your comment about them being my only family in this country , yes you are right, and that is why the lack of support hurts so much. I think families should stick through good and bad. I am sure I’ll have no problems finding people co come to my house to eat and drink for free, but I value more the ones that will actually be by my side when I need them expecting nothing in return.

I am of an age where many of my friends have recently lost one or other, or both parents. When I don't / didn't have a relationship with that parent, then if they tell me their Mum / Dad has died, I would - at the time - say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that" and listen if they want to expand or talk about them, but I wouldn't then go out and get them a card or flowers or follow it up in any way. It is what it is.

Exactly the same when my parents died. People who didn't have a relationship with them would say something if it came up in conversation, but I wouldn't expect them to follow it up with faux grieving.

I certainly didn't change my relationship with friends or with family members because of the way they reacted, or didn't react to my parents deaths.

Maybe you don't have a comfortable, friendly relationship with your family here other than this ? Talking about "people coming to my house to eat and drink for free" is an odd way to refer to having family round for a meal.

Accept that some people are people that are good at writing letters. Some people aren't. Some people like to send cards for every occasion and then some. Other people don't.

I'm sorry for your loss. I am aware it is hard to lose a parent at any time. Anger is also a very normal part of the grieving process - a stage that most people go through.

Your weasel of a spouse expects you to entertain his family and host and cook merely one month after losing your father????? I guess the apple didn't fall far from that tree!
Invite the SIL over forget the rest