To cut contact with friend who asked me out the blue whether I had cheated

[cescaeverafter]

Changed my name so as not to be recognised. I used to live with a girl at uni who I considered to be one of my best friends at the time. After uni finished (4 years ago now) we moved to different cities and didn’t see too much of each other but I still considered her a close friend because of how close we had been at uni. I was single throughout uni and had a fair few one night stands and half baked liaisons with men whose names I can now barely remember, also got with a lot of men in clubs - this lifestyle really really doesn’t appeal to me now but I know it is completely normal at uni. She wasn’t as ‘bad’ as me but was hardly whiter than white herself. Anyway towards the end of uni I met my DP. Did have a very drunken kiss with another guy in the early days of our dating but nothing at all since. Anyway I met up for coffee recently with a friend and she asked me with a knowing smile whether I had ever cheated on DP. It was very out of context as all we were discussing was future plans/if we can imagine marrying our current DPs. I said ‘no...’ and made a slightly pissed off face and she said something like ‘hmm ok babe ;)’ as though I was lying although am not. I don’t feel myself to be the girl who shagged some randoms at uni anymore but she seems to and it has made me really uncomfortable, like she was insinuating I’m still going out all the time getting with people despite being with DP? I know I should be able to just disregard her opinion as I know myself and my relationship better than she does but it’s really got under my skin. Even if she did think that it’s a really rude thing to say to someone IMO, it seemed she was laughing at my current life (plans to move into a bigger home and maybe have a baby in the next couple of years) as though I wouldn’t be capable of it.

I think I would have to ask her why she had raised the subject and what she meant by her comment. Does she know about the drunken kiss? Perhaps she considered that to be cheating? Or she’s making some whopping great assumptions based on not very much at all. Or perhaps someone had lied about being with you and she has believed them.

Either way, once you know which one it is, you can decide whether you want to put her straight and still have contact or whether you want to distance yourself.

I’d want to know she raised the question. It’s an odd thing to ask unless the is context.

It was very out of context as all we were discussing was future plans/if we can imagine marrying our current DPs.

That doesn't sound that out of context? You were discussing DPs, and how serious the relationship is - it's not like you were discussing Game of Thrones and then she suddenly asked that.

It is a rude question, but I think you're over reacting a bit, and reading an awful lot into it.

Very rude of friend. I would ask her about it.
"Why did you ask if I cheated on dp? Found it really awkward and embarrassing. For the record I haven't and if I hear any more about this I will know you are not my friend"

Kissing someone in early days is your own business and a friend would take it to the grave not try to bring it up to others.

Its hard to know what she is thinking as she didn't actually say it. As the above poster asked, does she know about the kiss? Some would consider that cheating, some would consider it an overlap. I personally think you are being a little over sensitive as she didn't accuse you of anything and the fact you are quick to jump to the dump wiyhout asking her what she meant by 'hmmm ok babe' that says that want out of this friendship.

Sometimes, friendships struggle to adjust to our lives as they change. If she cannot accept that you will never be anything other than the party girl she met for a few brief years on your late teens early twenties that is a problem. Does she miss those times, your lifestyle back then? Late 20s she could still be finding her feet.

Have you seen the film 'World's End'? Silly film about a guy trying to recreate his teenage years and not growing up.

MILAJ

You need to start a new thread for your AIBU, yours has been lost in the middle of this one

@NewAccount270219 if they were discussing GoT surely it wouldn't be out of context to ask if they had shagged a relative recently

Maybe the friend was cheating and looking for a guilt free 'in' in the conversation to bring it up?

That's absolutely the sort of things my close friends would ask each other, with no implied criticism. If I'd have had that conversation it wouldn't have even registered with me. So I think you're massively overreacting, but all friendships are different, with different norms.

If you feel it was rude then it's your prerogative to cut contact if you want to.

Well in fairness to her, she possibly thinks you went home with that guy. Wouldn't be inconsistent with your uni lifestyle, so not an unreasonable assumption.

Hmm. I would think that maybe she has been cheating on her partner and wanted to see if you'd done the same. You said no, so she's now the only one doing it and that's spiked her guns a bit.

I don't know whether I'd necessarily cut contact over that comment, but if you're still uncomfortable about it, then perhaps it would be for the best.

@elspethflashman but sleeping with people when single is different to doing it in a relationship so it wouldn’t be ‘consistent’ with my behaviour either.

But you snogged the bloke whilst in a relationship?

She's not reaching that much, let's face it!

I don't see how it was out of context either, it's a fair question in light of a discussion on whether you'd marry your partner.

I think you're clearly over sensitive about this. Does your partner not know about your past, and you're worried she would tell him?

We all change as we get older and perhaps some friends don't see it because they aren't there. It depends really if you think she'll add much to your life in 5/ 10/ 20 years. If you think she will, then have a conversation, tell her that her "knowing" comment made you feel like she doesn't know you any more because so much has changed in your life. If you think she won't then just stop replying much and let her fade out of your life.

She was rude and tactless but you sound very sensitive about all this. It sounds like you carry a lot of shame and self judgement about shagging around at uni. It doesn’t fit with the image you want to have of yourself now but you can’t shake it off. So having her so sceptical of your current attitudes and behaviour has really got under your skin because it’s reminded you of the person you want to leave behind.

Ditch her or not as you choose - only know you if this friendship is worth maintaining, but the most important thing to do is to forgive yourself. Leave what you did when you were younger and sillier in the past where it belongs and focus on building the future with your lovely partner.

I came on here to say exactly what whyohwhy said! Except I would add you have NOTHING to feel ashamed of. You had casual sex while single, so what? It doesn't make you a cheater. Had you been behaving like this while in a relationship, THAT would make you a cheater. It was a silly comment on her behalf, ignore it. Unless she keeps saying it, then you have a problem.

She smirked because she thinks she still knows you.
It may have been a close friendship but a lot's probably happened since university finished. If this exchange upset you, would it matter if you let the friendship drift away altogether?

I don't think the issue is wether or not op has cheated, it is wether or not it is acceptable for a friend to bring this sensitive information up with a 3rd party there. It wasnt helpful and seemed to serve no purpose other than to embarrass op. So I would reassess friendship.

We all change as we get older and perhaps some friends don't see it because they aren't there.

I was going to say this. Sometimes when we don't see someone often they get stuck in your mind as the person they were when you knew them. I have relatives in a different country who I don't see very often and to them I am the person they knew 15 years ago, not the person I am now, there doesn't seem to be much I can do about that.

She knew a bit of a party girl or whatever and now she doesn't see you very often so she still sees you as the person she knew back then. I don't think it is necessarily meant in a bad way, just some people can't comprehend that people change and grow.

Yes - I think I am probably stuck in her head as that person. I think the reason I took this to heart was because as @whyohwhyowhydididoit said, I also do feel ashamed of that person/like I just hate others still see me as that. I used to drink an awful lot, been teetotal for a year now! I just hate people making snide remarks like they know the ‘real’ me and I can see that’s probably more my problem than theirs and I need to stop seeking other people’s approval.

I think you are projecting your feelings onto her.

The reality is that she sees you as wild, carefree and non commital because she doesn’t know your mature side. She’s probably struggling to reconcile the old you with the old new, not everyone is agile in their thinking. You shouldn’t take it personally, it’s wrong for her to make assumptions but you have to cut her a bit of slack.

I think it’s possible she was asking because she had something to confide in you.

Just talk to her about it, I think it hurts because you feel perhaps some upset that your “uni chapter” is being brought up and deflecting from the leaps and strides you’ve made as an adult.

Talk to her about how you feel, don’t give her assumption too much life, when you say that she doesn’t think you’re capable of x and x that’s going too far. She just thinks you’re a bit wild and carefree and maybe a bit immature, you’re come to see loyalty as really important but maybe she hasn’t and wouldn’t judge you for it anyway.

You can’t read people’s minds and you can’t let things take on a new life. Friends are going to think stuff about you but she’s having a catch-up with you and must be think you’re really great overall...for a former nympho 😉😉😉 it’s honestly nothing most Mums didn’t do, wish I could go back and do it again now 😂😆

I meant maybes she’s a bit immature

I’m with ThumbWitchesAbroad. I have two friends who I know have cheated and they've each asked me if I have too, trying to get me to open up so that they can. Obviously I haven’t so they go down the line of trying to make the conversation more general and turning it to a moral question to gauge what people might think.

I am open minded but I jump ship when these conversations start because it’s just none of my business.

Unfortunately OP I think you are projecting massively onto what could be an innocuous comment between friends.

I was like you, and my best friend at uni was like your friend. She did know the 'real me' at that point of our lives, I drank too much, loved to dance the night away and make out with everyone.

I'm now married, rarely drink and in bed by 10pm. She's engaged, has a fancy career, and in bed by 10pm. I cringe when she brings up past escapades because I immediately judge past-me but current-me's standards.

But the past happened, and although my uni years weren't perfect, that aspect I found really fun at the time.

If your friend isn't your type of person any more, you don't need to stay friends. But don't do it based on a one-off comment that reflects how she knows you best!