PIL panic

[IABUQueen]

This is purely a vent.

I think I’m BU. I just need to be told how to fix up.

I absolutely hate the thought of PIL. They terrify me. I’d rather block them from my mind and live in a bubble where I pretend they don’t have influence on my life.

The moment they get closer to me geographically or emotionally I go into panick mode. I really want my distance but it’s work in progress for my DH and as we have DC it’s complicated.

Problem is I don’t think the way I feel about them is healthy. Because the dark way I see them affects how I manage my relationship. If my DH shows similar traits to his mum I also go into panick mode...

A bit of background. I was a bit of a doormat daughter in law who loved their socks off and let them interfere with my life thinking with time they will grow to trust me and let me be.. I believed in kindness being the magical cure for everything..

Until I realized MIL and SIL were taking me for an idiot and using my daily life updates which they extracted off me to tell DH how he isn’t a “man enough” because he listened to me.. on very basic things. They were slandering me for years and I didn’t know until much further into it.

All of that I was happy to handle.. until my DH gave up with them and decided to draw the line and be a team. It took him a while, because he too believed things just fix themselves with time and kindness...he thought he doesn’t need to tell me about their slander because he was sure this wasn’t his mums nature and she just needs time to adjust..

Until he decided to be respectful and make his own decision.. nothing that affects them, but helps our marriage...

They all ganged up on me. Showed me a side to them I had never imagined. Up to this point I believed they’re just making a mistake because they don’t know me.. but when they ganged up and tried to split me and my husband up through manipulation, I absolutely got slapped in the face with reality. The only thing they held against me is that I became distant...

I’m consumed with a sense of betrayal. They tried to brush things off as it never happened but whenever I don’t toe the line the put me back in my place of “rejection”. So I’m just not putting effort anymore..

I can’t go through more revealing details..

But my philosophy in life is that you shouldn’t let haters consume me. I’m consumed with fear and when pressured by corcumstances to face my fears without reassurances... it’s quixkly turning into hatered.

I’m fair to them. Don’t want them to be hurt. Want them to have a good relationship with their son.

But as far as my son is concerned , I’m protective and the thought that they might one day manipulate him and teach him rubbish and turn him against me... really sends me to rage and is enough for me to lose all empathy.

I want to be calm and collected. I can’t be assertive with them because I’m just an inch away from wanting to see them suffer and when they say snide things to me I just go into full rage mode...

I can’t seem to remind myself that these people brought up the husband that I love. I’m way beyond that because I used to care so much about their feelings as his parents and I feel like I let myself down by doing so.

Don’t know what I’m asking.. perhaps hoping someone went through this and they manage to find their soul.

I was never a hateful person. This experience changed me. I hate to feel my life isn’t within my control..

I must say, they now are pretending that nothing happened. That they care about me.. because now it suits them. They want to care for my child.

But I can’t help by feel they’re trying to trick me. My husband is tricked already thinking they want a new start.

They’ve certainly upped their game and now they don’t bully him but instead do things more sneakily.. because they realized they will lose us..

However due to many passive aggressive ways I am hundred percent sure they’re in no position to be trusted by me.. or maybe I’m a bit extreme but they certainly are still playing games.

They want to move closer to me, to my same street to be exact.

I feel so resentful. I just wanted to stay civil yet they want to forge a close relationship despite knowing I need my space to get over whatever the hell they did to me.. they know they hurt me badly.. they’re just never the type to be openly confronted.

They treat you the way they do because you have allowed it. Decide now where you want your boundaries to be. Speak up and don’t take any crap.

No to moving near you. It sounds controlling to be honest

You can't choose where they decide to live, but you can choose how you react to it.
It sounds like you need to let your husband work out his stuff with them, as they are his parents.
You can remain quietly detached, and not let them see you ruffled.

Speak up and don’t take any crap.

I really can’t because my DH is still working out how to get out of fog and until he does, their rage will come down at me and DH will become further confused. That’s why I was counting on distance.

No to moving near you. It sounds controlling to be honest

I don’t think I was ever in my life made to feel small and as a child as much as with them. They control the colour of underwear nun dH wears and want us to ask permission for any holiday trips, if we don’t want them bullying us for the next couple of months. We specifically moved an hour away from them so we could have a life.. they know this I’m pretty sure even though we weren’t rude enough to say it. But they know it.. and it’s exactly why she’s taking the piss and wanting a move to our street.

You can't choose where they decide to live, but you can choose how you react to it.

How can I react to it? I really want to know how to manage my reaction as I’m so blinded by rage from knowing that they still have a hold on me and DH.. I hate feeling vulnerable.

Get therapy to understand why you are so bizarrely, desperately confused about the fact that you can no longer force yourself to enjoy being around people who abuse and disrespect you and have done so for years.

Stop exposing yourself to people who abuse and disrespect you.

Stop exposing your children to people who abuse and disrespect their mother, their parent's marriage and their nuclear family in general.

Your normal meter is broken; no need to normalise this for them.

You can choose to not engage with them, don't call or go to their house.
When you see them, act calm, and if you need it, get help to deal with how you feel.

You do need to talk to someone about your issue with your in laws, you’ve posted of it many times. Maybe you just need to accept they don’t like you for whatever reason. You don’t need to like them either. If DP is on your side then just enjoy your life as a family and let them do the wondering what they did to upset you instead

I really don’t want them to like me. But to be honest even though the situation is improving they still have slot of influence on DHs opinion of me. Passively. He doesn’t agree with them but deep down he wishes some miracle happens and we all get on..

So i also don’t want them to hate me. I just want them away from me and busy with their own lives.

They aren’t going to leave, they are his parents. You need to either talk to him honestly or talk to them in the same way. All of them need to understand what they are doing to you is cruel

Your husband is your problem, not your in-laws.

He made vows to you to put you first. Vows that he hasn't kept.

Yes, your in-laws are awful and abusive and controlling and clearly have nothing but resentful contempt for you and your marriage.

Yes, they pose an ongoing risk both to your caregiver bond with your children and in the sense of turning them into approval-chasing, emotionally hobbled, boundary-less doormats just like they did your husband.

...But they are only a problem for you because your husband doesn't have his priorities as a husband and father in order.

His job as a husband and father is to defend and protect you, your marriage and your nuclear family.

Instead, he listened to them trash you behind your back for years, and gave them his tacit stamp of approval and agreement by continuing to pursue a relationship with them.

...He didn't get angry at them, or tell them to stop and impose consequences so that they knew that disrespecting his wife was unacceptable to him.

Worse, for years he actually showed them that his ultimate loyalty was to them over you - he kept seeing them and exposing you to them knowing all along that they were trashing you and your marriage behind your back and that you had no idea.

It's absolutely sickening how cowardly and disloyal that is.

"...they still have slot of influence on DHs opinion of me..."

Wow.

You teach people how to treat you, OP, by what you will and won't tolerate.

The vaguely man-shaped lump you're marroed to ahould be a lot more worried about your opinion of him.

Check out:

• DWIL nation on BabyCenter
• Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend
• Toxic In-laws
• Toxic Parents
• Nice Girl Syndrome
• Nice girl syndrome

Thanks CE7931 I will have a look at them.

I do think I play a huge part in the problem.. I find it “rude” to not include them in their grandkids lives. So I often when they’re being kind to me, get sucked in and decide on the spot to include them in updates about my pregnancy and so on.

THhey often turn around the shock me after they have all the info they need... they often shock me with requesting full control..

I don’t seem to ever learn my lesson. Ive been manipulated since childhood and I feel
It is part of my nature to not naturally have my guard up and not be used..

I’m definately just as much of a problem as my DH is. Because when I’m amongst them, I struggle to not be “nice”. In the moment I actually feel good about what I’m doing. It’s onlt later that I feel so stupid when the crunch comes and I realise they were taking info out of me and now they want to control what decisions I take and wipe me out completely by pressuring my DH.

Even after I posted this thread, and agreeing with all the responses... I went to visit them and I ended up defaulting into my “being nice” and putting their feelings ahead of my own ... until they shocked me at the end of the visit with a statement that made it clear to me that they have no interest in “including” me in decisions about my own life.

I must say, I need to change. I’m so damn stupid sometimes.

You really need to speak to someone in real life about this. You don't have to be rude to people to 'not be nice' you can be polite, not overly friendly. Do not give them any details of your life or your pregnancy, you don't have to make the first move by visiting them, calling/texting them. Keep your distance, and live your life how you want to; the less information you give them, the less ammunition they will have to try to control your life. Try not to put yourself in a situation where you have to say no or disagree if you have problems with that. Do not respond to any requests/demands immediately, just say you will give it some though, that way you aren't panicked into doing something you will later regret.

But please, seek some professional help for yourself and maybe your DH too.

Good luck

Are there any cultural issues at play here? Just for them to have so much control over your lives that they even dictate the colour of your husbands underwear, and openly state they will not include you in decisions THEY make about YOUR life is bloody scary.

And you're not stupid, don't ever say that. You've just tried to make it work for so long, the habits hard to break now. But break it you must, if only for the sake of your dc. They can't grow up thinking this is normal, in this day and age. And hard as it may be for him, your DH needs to grow a pair. You need a united front here!
Sending you these, as this is horrible for you 💐

And you're not stupid, don't ever say that. You've just tried to make it work for so long, the habits hard to break now. But break it you must, if only for the sake of your dc. They can't grow up thinking this is normal, in this day and age. And hard as it may be for him, your DH needs to grow a pair. You need a united front here!

Something about the way you wrote your advice really opened my eyes. Thank you so much.

I’ve been trying to understand my own very passive reactions and getting angry at myself and feeling hopeless. I think you are right that this is just because I have been trying for long, before I realised the truth of it all, and that it became s habit that I need to consciously break out of..

Might seem simple for many but it answers a lot of questions for me. I need to learn where to start.

If I’m honest it’s changed a lot for me the fact I don’t know how to behave right in this situation. Because I’m so scared of defaulting back to my natural friendliness which I got used to when they led me to believe they loved me for years.... I keep trying to remind myself of grudges to hold on to so I don’t get tricked again. Which works when they’re away from me but not when I’m seeing them.

But I think now I understand how that’s not working. I think when I’m with them my default is to behave how I have behaved for years.. which made sense at the time because it did seem that they were doing things for me too.. until I realised that it was just all a game and behind my back it was something else.. but that wasn’t my reality back then.. I just didn’t know.

I think I need to forgive myself and start working out how to move forward. Thanks for everything

I wonder whether that’s how many women get trapped into abusive relationships. They have it all painted as wonderful at the start.. until they built habits where they put so much into the relationships... at that point the other side feels safe and stops their excessive show of love. And dangles it as a way to keep the victim running after their approval.

I often fall into dilemma where I’m not sure whether I want to believe myself. My own eyes. Because I honestly feel like I’m the only one seeing what I’m seeing.

I just never thought that person this would be me.. I’m very disappointed at myself. I had lived my life promising myself I will be very careful. I engineered my dating life in a way to be cautious of making sure I am protected from abusive relationships. I chose myself a wonderful man. And then I fell for the tricks of his family.

I need to forgive myself that’s what I need to do. And accept that the past isn’t in my control but the future is.

At some level you probably still want their approval. If you can get to a point where you no longer care whether or not they approve of you, then you will finally be free.

I spoke to DH who initially brushed it off as “they’re joking , you’re exaggerating”. So after I had a complete meltdown he opened his ears and stopped shutting me down.

He admitted he thinks his parents aren’t targeting me when he is away from me because they believe I’m the “nice” and “easy going one” who doesn’t like confronting and so they can pressure me to have their way with their son.

He thinks I’m misunderstanding things when I interpret it as maliciously evil who want to get under my skin and ruin my marriage. But rather simply they are self centred and inconsiderate to my needs and don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they desire.. they don’t put too much thought into how it looks like from my end.

He still think they like me as a person. And that they don’t want to ruin our marriage.. they just behave like kids when they want something and r more comfortable being themselves Infront of me than when he is around, even if that makes me uncomfortable.

Apparently they’re old and desperate.

I think I get what he is saying. He thinks I should stay good cop and he stays bad cop and eventually it works out. Donno I feel a bit better that at least my efforts didn’t go to waste in that I am being kind to people that hate me.

But I think it’s them as people. They struggle to value or cherish a relationship unless it’s of use to them. I guess it’s not personal but who they are as people.

Hmmmm

*his parents are targeting me when he is away

Go low contact. Stop telling them anything. Stop involving them so much. They can’t interfere if they don’t know what’s going on. If they threaten to move to your street, you tell them very seriously that you will move.

IABU just stop and take a breath.

I was here many moons ago with Mil. I even packed a bag and was actually ready to leave with my dd. After a chat with Dh I knew I had to be the change as while he knew what she was doing - he loved her and couldn’t cut her off 100%

So I went NC. There was some ‘minor’ upsets but you know what? The sky didn’t fall down. I also banned her from my home - so I could relax knowing it was my safe haven.

She still sees dc but it’s very rarely - maybe about one every two months. So not enough time to start with the emotional blackmail I seen her do to her other grandkids.

If you don’t be the change how can others follow. Stop expecting your Dh to swoop in and rescue you. Do it yourself. Your a grown adult. You get to choose who is in your life.

By the way - it doesn’t work out. I spent ten years, love bombing, trying hard to fit in, facilitating relationships between them, ignoring comments ect..

Stop worrying about upsetting Dh, mil ect.. and start thinking ‘fuck this shit’. You don’t even need a big row to catalyst the NC. You just do it.

Take back responsibility for your own sanity and happiness.

See I’m so confused my mil has been really kind to me and speaking to DH telling him to look after me.

I’m just so confused 🤷🏻‍♀️ I keep saying what if I misunderstood everything.. but then I felt the same way before and was massively shocked.

I can’t blame DH for being confused. I’m very very confused myself.

Sorry I know this is dragging. Just hoping someone would have experience to shed.

OP, contrary to what you say I think you have fabulous insight into the way you feel and why. It's just actioning it is the difficult part. Don't tell them anything, go as low contact as you can, and if they move near you, you better be believe you'll be moving too!

As pp said, a major problem is your husband not taking your side. That's one of the most destructive, hate-inducing, rage-inspiring feelings - not feeling that the person who is meant to be your partner doesn't have your back. It's awful, and breeds so much resentment. I think you do need to address that somehow, it magnifies everything if you feel hung out to dry on your own.

Rage consumes you, I know that too. Try to minimise the opportunities for it to happen, and stop being nice to them if you later regret it. I think you're right that any niceness from them now is a facade, a strategy, and even if it's not, I think the damage is done.

I have no other advice I'm so sorry. The thing I want to say again is that I think you understand yourself and your situation very well, so don't let the thought that you don't make you even angrier! Your feelings are justified!

Nearly thank you so much. You are right, feeling let down by DH is what’s inducing all this rage. It’s takinr conscious effort for me to remind myself that he doesn’t mean to let me down and that he needs time to recover himself,

Also slightly off topic, one of the reasons I hate my in laws is because the way they have come in between me and DH has changed me from the person I want to be..

I am full of rage.. I have become slightly controlling I feel when it comes to my expectation of his dealings with his family.. I was never like this.. I used to have so much understanding between us.. but because I was feeling threatened and misunderstood I now make demands and shout down my opinions. It’s all very unpleasant.. I’m desperate and blinded and have zero trust when I’m the moment of vulnerability.

The tension in our marriage has become the norm.. it all revolves around his family and the issues they caused... and him not seeing things until I point them out clearly and make a huge fuss.. and take him out of his comfort zone.. it’s become a cycle where I need to have a huge go at him because I know that’s the only way he will think outside the box. It’s unconscious but I got used to it, without wanting to.

I hate how I lost control and insight over who I want to be as a person.. I sometimes feel like I treat DH horribly when I’m frustrated.. I even grew used to speaking to him this way it’s become about everything in life.. I’m impatient, intolerant and snappy.

I know I can’t blame everything on in laws. That would be childish. But truth is I did lose a lot of respect for my DH when I found out he didn’t have my back. Initially I didn’t understand all this issue with fog and narcissism. And how it affects kids. Only with time did I realise he doesn’t really mean to let me down... but I lost a lot of trust and respect for him by then. And the relationship was already at the point of no return.. we just decided to salvage what’s left of it.

I don’t think it’s productive the way I’m handling the situation. I can’t bkame myself only as what I was put through due to his weak stances were actually tooo cruel. I resented him massively.

It did kill a lot of the innocent passion we had between us. The peaceful conversations and the benefit of the doubt we have each other and trust. I’m so angry that I let the in laws win at their game..

I hope this could be restored.. honestly my DH is trying his best, he needs my support and I need his., it took me a while to see that he was being manipulated.

Does anyone have experience in recovering from this ? Recovering their relationship after it was effectively destroyed ? We both know what’s happened and want to work at it but are stuck in limbo.

This feeling of not being sure if we can get back what we once had, is what’s making me feel like my IL have more control over us than I wanted to allow.. very defeating.