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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws and second baby

52 replies

IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 13:56

Not sure if I'm actually being unreasonable and just overthinking.
My PILs are in their late 60s and are first time grandparents but their ways are very outdated.
I'm 25 and am pregnant with my second baby.
My parents still work full time so rarely babysit but live 5 mins away if we need to arrange a date night.
In laws have only looked after my DD only a handful of times last time they looked after her was when she was 9 months when I was sick they turned up at my house saying I should rest and they will take DD for a few hours I was hesitant but they already turned up so let them but told them to be back by a certain time 3 hours later after I made many calls that went unanswered and were probably ignored they came back all proud of themselves that they took her longer than I told them to. So that was the last time they looked after her by themselves.
They were really nice before I was pregnant with DD and started to be controlling and act possessive over DD which never worked because I wouldn't let them take her alone but they are already acting up again knowing that I'm pregnant with no 2.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanting to know if things will get better I don't want them to force my DD away from me when the baby comes along because I love spending time with her. Sick of everyone's cliche advice about having 2 children and being tired etc

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 02/05/2019 14:01

What does your partner say?

Did you have post natal depression after first baby?

IsYourGoogleBroken · 02/05/2019 14:03

What does 'acting up' mean?

Did DD come to any harm, being with them longer than 3 hours?

What do you mean 'out dated ways' ?

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:05

I haven't said anything to him. These are just my personal thoughts or fears rather. Just looking for someone outside of my family to talk to.
No PND I had a perfect pregnancy 🙂

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/05/2019 14:05

Can you give examples?

BattenburgIsland · 02/05/2019 14:08

It was horrible of them to not answer your calls to say where they were... that must have been so stressful.. I can see why you wont let them have the children alone again. I dont think you are overreacting at all... it's incredibly disrespectful and dismissive of your feelings. If someone has your child they need to be contactable... maybe they might miss the odd call... but to not turn up on time and then ignore several calls is completely unacceptable unless there was a genuine emergency/problem that prevented them from communicating with you.
Have they even apologised or acknowledged why what they did was wrong?

IsYourGoogleBroken · 02/05/2019 14:09

Are you always anxious? No one can force your DD away? Its very emtoive language you use.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 02/05/2019 14:09

How much over three hours were they? 20 minutes or 12 hours?

blackcat86 · 02/05/2019 14:11

It sounds like they've rubbed you up the wrong way and broken your trust taking DD out longer than agreed (which is quite shitty of them if they were all proud and gloaty about it). Just remember that you are the parent here. You can accept their help or not. Speak to your partner and agree what you want. No one can force DD away from you but understandable the gps will likely want a relationship with the children and that's something you should try to encourage. You may need to educate them on updates for weaning, SIDs, car seats etc - I had to with my parents and in laws. FIL went on and on about buying a used car seat for £15 on fb (no thanks!) Whilst DM bought cot bumpers and lots of soft toys for the moses basket but this was just ignorance rather than having any malice.

I love how everything is immediately attributed to PND. Its actually really offensive to those with that diagnosis.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:12

IsYourGoogleBroken
Just trying to tell me what their plans are when the baby comes, how often they want to come by etc.
They are no help to me they are the type of people that won't help around the house will leave their dishes in the sink expect me or DP to make them a coffee, eat my food and leave a mess all over the counter little things like that but that bugs me.
Outdated like trying to make her eat food when she was a few weeks old-they didnt though I quickly stopped them, giving peanut butter that's a big no for me I've told them I don't care to do that until she can communicate, sleeping on her stomach, leaving her in car seat in car while they are inside I dont like that things like that I'm sure it's small things to some but I'm obviously a PFB mum and I know MN doesn't agree with most of us anyway 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:13

By taking out longer means they took her out at say 9am and I told them to come back to my house at 12pm for lunch and they didnt come back until 3-3.30pm

OP posts:
IsYourGoogleBroken · 02/05/2019 14:17

I dont believe a child can ever have too many people to love them - they arent the sole possession of the mother although some think they are

You are quite able to tell them to make their own cup of tea, and get you one whilst they are at it, and tell them to wash and wipe up before they go.

Other stuff, surely a 9mo can eat solids? And is capable of rolling and self positioning, be that stomach or back? Easy enough to pick a car seat up I suppose.

How does the childs father feel about his parents having restricted access to his child?

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:17

blackcat86
Yes as a first time mum I probably did go a bit overboard which I admit and buy all the new more expensive stuff like a $800 car seat or $1000 pram but they just wanted to but second hand stuff. MIL even got some old soft toys of DP which were about 30 years old and thrift shop soft toys and got DD to play with it I prefer new soft toys not old ones but yes I agree she meant well

OP posts:
Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:25

IsYourGoogleBroken
I'm talking about when she was at a newborn stage they came over almost every single day 🙄 I started her on solids at 6 months not 3 weeks like they wanted me to.
I dont care what age the child is if they are sleeping from a drive I take them put as soon as I get home.
DP works a lot so they mainly come over when he's not here it's quite trivial so I try not to bring it up with him as I dont want him to feel like im breathing his parents all the time, they raised him-with lots of help from family and nannies but they did manage to raise him so he will think I'm over reacting or over thinking things.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 02/05/2019 14:25

I don’t think yabu.

They sound like they want to be catered to while taking your baby and doing whatever they think is best because their the grandparents and they raised their kids a certain way and it didn’t hurt them. Do they listen to you when you say not to do something with your baby?

frazzledasarock · 02/05/2019 14:26

IshourGooglebroken OP said they tried to feed her baby at a few weeks old, I can’t see where she says nine months.

OP you’ll need to stand your ground. Discuss how you want things to be when your new baby arrives and go with your own plans.

I’d have been utterly furious if anyone took any of my kids then disappeared not answering their phone & not turning up at the time agreed. You must have been frantic when they did that. Why couldn’t they have just messaged you saying they’d be longer.

They sound pretty horrible actually.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:26

*berating his parents

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 02/05/2019 14:26

*they’re

phoenixrosehere · 02/05/2019 14:27

*they’re

IsYourGoogleBroken · 02/05/2019 14:28

@frazzled - no ages mentioned in the OP except 9months. We arent all Doris Stokes and able to read minds.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:33

This is where I find it difficult because they were so lovely to me before I was pregnant then everything changed. They TRIED to dictate hospital outfits, what days they are free to take care of her (she's in child care so they got upset that i didnt want them looking after her), what events we go to and what days we should see them. I think I have told them off a few times but it does go unheard and they just go to DP and complain and say I'm being difficult. FIL used to pick up DD when she was a small baby and I will tell him nicely not to do that but he will roll his eyes and do it again next time. I don't know if it's because they think they know everything and don't want to listen or if I actually just need to relax a little and I try to but little things to them are big things to me and I get upset when they don't listen.
I don't know why after my baby they seemed to have changed. is it an in law thing?! I'm sure if they were going to write about me they would say I have changed but I can't see what I'm doing is wrong.

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 02/05/2019 14:34

Why are peanuts a big no no? That’s very outdated - allergies are less likely to develop if babies are fed allergens regularly from 6 months.

misses point

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:35

Fyi my daughter is 19 months now

OP posts:
rubyroot · 02/05/2019 14:35

Personally, I think you need to set some ground rules. Its hard with in laws as I think as mothers we are programmed to accept our own mothers and genetically related family looking after our babies/toddlers etc. But, it irks us when people who have no genetic relationship overstep boundaries etc.
Also, I think it is easier to tell your own parents to fuck off, or perhaps not as harsh but you can explain what has irked you etc without offending anyone.
My MIL was obsessive when baby arrived- insisted on visiting every day for 'cuddles' and was also useless, would come in really loudly talking and wake baby up before she went just so she could have a cuddle before she went! I explained that I had just got baby to sleep and to be quiet and she kept talking really loudly (almost shouting) and then she said he'll sleep when he's ready!! Believe me as a newborn, he didn't sleep when he was ready. He'd be wired and stay awake all day sometimes.

God it bloody annoyed me and my partner was no help in setting boundaries- she was allowed to visit whenever she wanted and she would kick up a fuss if she hadn't seen him for a week- ring me up and say when can I see MY grandson.

No its easier I have gone back to work and she sees him whilst I'm at work so I don't have to see her. When I pick him up she cradles her to him and won't pass him over straight away. He also was crying for me when he was poorly and instead of letting him get to me she insisted on keeping him there and cuddling him- pretending she didnt realise he was trying to get to me!

I try to ignore it, sometimes I will pass comment, if I can think of something witty to say. But on the whole she visits whilst I'm not there. Sees him three times a week and I don't have to interact with her, but my son has the benefit of having another person in his life.

I think you need to try and be less possessive, you will always be the important person in your little ones life. Perhaps ask your husband to set rules with his parents. Eg. To let you know your little one is okay and bring back on time, what to feed etc

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:37

Kungfupanda67
Because my DP is allergic to peanuts so I'm trying to be safe. I don't want to give her peanuts or peanut butter because I want her to communicate with me if she thinks there is something wrong. I'm in no rush to give her peanuts but they kept trying to push that on me.

OP posts:
YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 02/05/2019 14:38

They sound infuriating. YABNU.

Boundaries are your friend here. Talk to DH and set some clear boundaries together.

Coming over almost every day sounds horrific. No way should you feel obligated to accomodate that.