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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws and second baby

52 replies

IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 13:56

Not sure if I'm actually being unreasonable and just overthinking.
My PILs are in their late 60s and are first time grandparents but their ways are very outdated.
I'm 25 and am pregnant with my second baby.
My parents still work full time so rarely babysit but live 5 mins away if we need to arrange a date night.
In laws have only looked after my DD only a handful of times last time they looked after her was when she was 9 months when I was sick they turned up at my house saying I should rest and they will take DD for a few hours I was hesitant but they already turned up so let them but told them to be back by a certain time 3 hours later after I made many calls that went unanswered and were probably ignored they came back all proud of themselves that they took her longer than I told them to. So that was the last time they looked after her by themselves.
They were really nice before I was pregnant with DD and started to be controlling and act possessive over DD which never worked because I wouldn't let them take her alone but they are already acting up again knowing that I'm pregnant with no 2.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanting to know if things will get better I don't want them to force my DD away from me when the baby comes along because I love spending time with her. Sick of everyone's cliche advice about having 2 children and being tired etc

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 02/05/2019 14:39

Why can’t your fil pick the baby up? It does sound like you might be overreacting here, they sound a bit annoying but not massively so. Any outdated advice just say the advice has changed now - there’s no reason they would know what’s changed, if they haven’t got babies they won’t be researching what the standard advice is now.

I think people forget as well with older relatives that when they had their children people telling them how to do things was the only way they knew - there was no google or Mumsnet or hundreds of baby-care bibles or ante natal classes, they just had their mum/auntie/sister say ‘oh she’s ready for some food now, give her some carrot’ or whatever the advice might have been.

Dingowashisname0 · 02/05/2019 14:41

I’ve been here with my pils.

Don’t bother pre- warning that XYZ isn’t going to happen. Just act on situations when they arise.

I had murders with my mil. It was a ridiculous power struggle that really didn’t need to happen and put me under so much pressure - starting from wanting to be at my dd birth...

Four years is put up with it just to keep the peace.

I finally snapped when my Dh allowed her to pick my dd up from nursery (4) with no car seat, no legal car insurance and probably chain smoking. She did this on whilst I was in holiday as she knew I wouldn’t be there to object. Honestly I very nearly kicked Dh that week over it.

Dont let it overwhelm you. Mark things as

What ever...
Smile and nod,
Fuck that shit.

Pick your battles Wink

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:41

rubyroot
Absolutely right, although my parents aren't able to babysit or take care of DD sometimes due to working, when we do see them I am more comfortable with them looking after her and am able to tell them to do things this way or that way.
My DP is also useless at times and doesn't say things to his parents because he doesn't want to upset them but tells me to tell them but I dont want to upset them so tell him to tell them because it's his parents 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:45

Kungfupanda67
Of course FIL could pick her up but she picked her up by the arms rather than under her arms. As a first time mum and reading lots of horror stories I feared by him doing this he will end up dislocating her arm or shoulders.

OP posts:
Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:47

Dingowashisname0
Yes same here, they BOTH wanted to be at my birth when I told them I'm having no one apart from DP not even any visitors at the hospital. They got a upset and stubborn and didnt meet DD until she was 7 days old despite us telling them to come when we got home which was early morning the next day.
And yea I'm just trying to pick my battles hence why I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to on MN and venting.

OP posts:
Motoko · 02/05/2019 14:48

@IsYourGoogleBroken
no ages mentioned in the OP except 9months. We arent all Doris Stokes and able to read minds.

OP said this in her reply to you, before you posted the above.

Outdated like trying to make her eat food when she was a few weeks old

OP, I really think you need to talk to your partner about your concerns. What did he say about the time they were 3 hours late, and not answering the phone.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 14:52

Motoko
He did tell them off and ask why they didn't let me know where they were-they weren't doing anything important I'm still not sure what they got up I was absolutely furious that day and worried I didnt care to ask.
But they were stubborn and didn't contact us for a few days afterwards when they wanted us to take some photos of her so they can show some family members.

I guess they were just trying to be like the other grandparents in the family who are always out and about with their grandkids and they just wanted to show DD off too and do the same. I wouldn't have a problem with that if they didn't break my trust that one time.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 02/05/2019 14:54

Are you questioning the mediumship of Doris Stokes there IsYourGoogle?

sillysmiles · 02/05/2019 15:00

I don't know why after my baby they seemed to have changed. is it an in law thing?!

I suspect it is more that you have changed after having your baby AND that you now have someone (DD) that both you and her GPs want the best for - you just disagree on how to achieve it.

LiverpoolVictoria · 02/05/2019 15:01

My in-laws looked after our LO when he was 14 months old, for 2 nights, the first time we'd been away, and we were 3 hours away.

OH told them to not go out without the dog as she would bark constantly and the neighbours complained, but they did, for 3 hours.

We then tried to get hold of them for the entire 3 hours they were out, called, left messages, texted - both me and him to BOTH of their phones - and they only replied when they got back. They were oblivious to why we were upset.

To say I was angry and upset is an understatement, more for the fact I then worried they might have been in an accident with LO! Our 2 days away were ruined because I was then anxious being so far away, and knowing if I needed reassurance I couldn't just call/text them!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/05/2019 15:02

I'm in my early 60s and we didn't introduce solids at three weeks. The dangers of second hand car seats were well known when my DC were babies. Your in-laws seem to be going by parenting ideas that are before their time, let alone yours.

The going out for three hours longer than agreed and not responding to calls is poor behaviour.

Have you ever sat them down and spelled out just why you're so uncomfortable about them having DD alone?

Because if you haven't been explicit they may not really understand what they've done wrong.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/05/2019 15:03

It sounds like the IL love your dc but do need some firm boundaries.

It’s pretty normal for grandparents to have outdated notions about safety and general child rearing. I’ve had many a disagreement with both my mum and MIL about these. It’s frustrating!

Not as relevant as your IL issue but my DS has a nut Allergy (to 2 different types of nuts) and his specialist has asked for me to feed my DS multiple times a week the variety of nuts that he isn’t allergic to. This is so he doesn’t become intolerant to them. Have you been advised to avoid peanuts? Maybe worth talking to a GP or specialist as it may be doing more harm than good avoiding nuts

Blondebakingmumma · 02/05/2019 15:04

I would have been really annoyed about the not returning dc on time too!

missperegrinespeculiar · 02/05/2019 15:07

It was bad of them to be late back, you must have been worried, however, I think undermining your DD's relationship with her grandparents would be a very bad idea, family is very important for children's wellbeing, it might just mean they can't have her on their own till she is a little older and you feel more confident they'll respect your wishes, but frankly, you wouldn't be doing the best for your child if you create a barrier between her and her grandparents, who seem loving form what you say

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/05/2019 15:15

A couple of things really stuck out for me:

they raised him-with lots of help from family and nannies

Depending on the amount of time the nannies were on duty, your in-laws may not have done much of the nuts and bolts of looking after a baby, which would account for their cluelessness. They will also be very comfortable with other people taking their very young children away for hours, because that's how nannying works.

Not that there's anything wrong with nannies, but it explains why they don't understand your opinion.

But then we come to:

They BOTH wanted to be at my birth when I told them I'm having no one apart from DP not even any visitors at the hospital

That's totally batshit. FIL at the birth? I've never heard of this before. Have they absolutely no boundaries? I don't know how you are going to be able to deal with such ridiculous antics - but I guess you're going to have to do something.

Just keep saying no to unreasonable requests and maintain your boundaries. That's all you can do until or unless your DH agrees to go LC.

Hazlenutpie · 02/05/2019 15:16

They probably thought they were being helpful in keeping her longer, just a bit thoughtless though.

Try and get back onto a sensible footing with them. Grandchildren benefit tremendously from having grandparents in their lives.

smallereveryday · 02/05/2019 15:24

You see I read your OP in quite a different way to how you interpreted their actions.

You were unwell. Looking after babies when you feel poorly is really stressful. They turned up and took your baby out to give you a chance to rest. Then instead of resting you proceed to ring them non stop . They took your wish for them to bring her back after 3 hrs as you not wishing to impose on them -- so they decided to look after her longer to allow you a lovely child free time when you were ill.

Sorry but if ANYONE, friend or family took one of mine of my hands when I was sick , I would buy them flowers and profess undying gratitude. You are being a bit PFB ..

phoenixrosehere · 02/05/2019 15:35

Firm boundaries need to be set and a discussion needs to be had or it’s only going to get worse.

That might be normal behaviour for some, but it is not for others. My in-laws are nowhere near like that nor are my parents. Granted, we live hours away from both so only have to see them a few times a year. Despite that, neither have behaved in such a manner when staying with us.

Seniorschoolmum · 02/05/2019 15:52

I would find visitors who turned up every day very trying. I’d last about 3 days before being strategically out. And as for expecting to be at the birth, they are either from a very different culture or have no boundaries whatsoever.
Can you invite them on perhaps one afternoon a week, and agree to go to theirs for one afternoon a week? Just be very busy with toddler groups and health visitors the rest of the time.

GPatz · 02/05/2019 17:33

There is always this notion that parents need to express 'undying gratitude' and to accept any behaviour when GP's offer childcare. When my PIL offer to take DS, they deliver him back when asked. They wouldn't even imagine keeping him and longer than agreed or if they had/wanted to, would phone first to check. It's absolutely not unreasonable to keep parents informed.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 21:11

With me being sick I just had a bit of a cold so I couldn't go to work but was quite happy and capable of taking care of my DD. I didnt want to upset them by saying no when they turned up at the door to take her and they didn't give her lunch that day just milk which doesn't hurt but I did ask for them to return back by lunch time. And yes I did think the worse when they weren't answering my calls for 3.5 hours then to have them waltzing through my door all proud of themselves didn't really help by fury and made me not trust them.
No I haven't sat down and spoken to them because I don't feel comfortable doing that myself. Dp has tried and they got angry and told him off saying that they have had 2 kids before they know what they are doing and do not need to be told how to raise kids. Their last baby was 30 years ago and his parents had trouble putting on DD nappy and one point but were too stubborn to ask for help because they are trying to show they can look after kids which is fine but it annoys me when they are too proud to ask for help.

OP posts:
Dermymc · 02/05/2019 21:17

You're being U about the peanut butter. Studies have shown that not exposing children to nuts is probably causing more allergies than preventing them.

Everything else though they don't sound great. I'd let them see you and kids with you there. But not let them take them without another adult being there.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 22:08

I don't think I'm being unreasonable about the peanut butter it's just as if I said don't give her am apple and they gave her one anyway that goes against what I said. I gave them my reasons so it shouldn't be pushed on me if I want to give DD something then I will I'm just trying to be safe that's all.
I want to learn to trust them again and I shouldn't have to have another adult "supervising" them I just don't know how to trust them and bring my guard down. I guess I'm just venting here because i don't want to talk to my family about it.

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 02/05/2019 22:12

YANBU

DP works a lot so they mainly come over when he's not here

Stop letting the fuckers in!!! Time to woman up OP.

Original poster
IOnWednesdaysWeWearPinkI · 02/05/2019 22:26

cuppycakey
😂 if only it was that simple, they live 50 minutes away from us and they used to just turn up until I did tell them to let me know before coming as I may be busy so that has improved and they do ask before coming over now which is good. But preventing them from seeing DD is something I cant do and I would rather them come when I'm home rather than when DP is home because we hardly have family time so when it's the weekend we just want to spend time together

OP posts: