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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am naive.

56 replies

Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 10:49

After a conversation with my sister, I wonder if a am naive. I asked her to help me unravel a work situation with a man I work with. I believe he is being friendly . She says I am naive. We chat and laugh and have fun during the day . There is touching of arms and backs and hugging at times . Glancing, watching when I speak and I see him watching when he doesn’t know I can, if that makes sense .he seeks me out, asks my professional and personal opinion on problems he has and takes advice . He says nice things about my appearance and noticed new hair, weight loss , clothes etc . He is physically always beside me in the canteen and boardroom situations . He texts me out of work hours just light conversation ... films, music etc. Lately though the contact has increased in and out of work and he has been texting saying he missing our friendship at weekends .am I being naive to think that this is solid friendship or has he developed feelings. Thanks for reading this .ps we have worked together for a number of years and the friendship gradually got closer. He has never given me reason to think he is romantically interested

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/05/2019 12:51

I think he really could be just a friend, he's never made a move or crossed a line? He's not inappropriate with you, no sexual innuendo, nothing ? He might not talk about his girlfriend because he doesn't see it as your business, or he thinks you fancy him and will be upset.

Men and women can be friends, I just don understand people who can't comprehend that.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 02/05/2019 12:52

Lol Bashful Mine is currently abroad...but constantly ringing/texting me. Yesterday was at 6.30am to say good morning !! I wonder if mine thinks I'm too independent for him....in other words, a strong female. Not sure if he could cope with me type of thing iyswim

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 02/05/2019 12:54

Bluntness makes a ggod point about sexual innuendo....does he ever cross that line?

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 13:37

I’ve really had to think about this back in time . He has often said how lovely it would be to get away together and hang out . Like a fantasy though because it never happens . Or as my sister said... I don’t bite!!.. he has asked my to go to gigs of certain bands ever come to the city , he has said that we would much rather both of us to have a night out without colleagues.. but only because they are quite serious.he has said that we would have to watch ourselves after drinking alcohol but didn’t give a reason .This was months ago before I think he started something with a girl. He has asked me for photos of myself and does still ask.., just photos of myself if I was going out or having a day out etc or at the weekend . Still suggests nights out and lunches etc.Not sleazy or anything . On a few nights out he has put his arms around me . That’s about all so not sexual really no .

OP posts:
TixieLix · 02/05/2019 13:42

And I really think he has a new girlfriend but not from any talk about her. He simply doesn’t talk about her at all and ignores any talk like that. I don’t know where he has time
To have new girlfriends though as he works and socialises on his free time without her, if he is telling the truth about her

This is very conflicting. One minute you say he never talks about her and then you're saying 'if he's telling the truth about her'. So has he mentioned a GF or not? If he has casually mentioned it, maybe he was looking for your reaction to the news.

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 13:45

Sorry. He mentioned about meeting a new girl months ago and how she pursued him and how pretty she is .
We are good friends yet he hasn’t mentioned her name since but talk about all his pastimes and social
Life when he isn’t working but her name is not part of those conversations . Sorry for conflicting

OP posts:
SinjunRivers · 02/05/2019 13:50

I think he likes you and he's trying to convey it without being a creep. Hoping you will notice but so far you seem oblivious.
Do you like him?

washinglions · 02/05/2019 13:53

He's been carrying a torch for you for years I reckon, but is scared to make a real move in case he is rebuffed, as there would be no way to take the words back and your relationship would be different afterwards.

TixieLix · 02/05/2019 13:54

Sounds like he was hoping you'd be a bit jealous. If you're not interested in him romantically, then when he next asks for a picture of you, say to him "I don't know why you ask for pictures. I'd only ever give photos to a boyfriend, not to a work colleague. Please don't ask any more."

Bluntness100 · 02/05/2019 13:59

I'm not sure op, unless he is totally backward, I reckon you've been friend zoned.

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 14:10

Ok thanks . What is friend zoned .
Is the photos thing ok. Is it ok to send personal photos to a friend even if he is male and they are completely clean .
If he made a move and I don’t want to go there, our friendship would never be the same again . I don’t want to lose the friendship . It’s more important than an office fling isnt it

OP posts:
Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 14:11

I like him a lot but my friendship with him is more important

OP posts:
SinjunRivers · 02/05/2019 14:17

It's up to you if pictures are ok, there is no law.

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 14:18

But in your mind, is it appropriate

OP posts:
SinjunRivers · 02/05/2019 14:19

But it's what's on your mind whether you are ok with it and on his mind why he's asking.

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 14:23

I don’t know. If my sister or girlfriends asked for photo of me when I was going out or at a wedding , I wouldn’t think anything strange about it but maybe I’m old fashioned in thinking it’s a bit unusual as a man ? He is my only good guy friend

OP posts:
SinjunRivers · 02/05/2019 14:24

Then don't send one. You sound uncomfortable about it

SinjunRivers · 02/05/2019 14:25

Posted too soon....
Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 14:26

I am. A little . Why do I find it strange though? Can’t fogure out why I feel it’s a little creepy??

OP posts:
TixieLix · 02/05/2019 16:11

Because he's a work colleague. A photo is to look at. He obviously wants to look at your image when he's not with you. At least, let's hope he only wants to look at the picture Wink.

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 16:19

Christ 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 16:21

He often sends random photos of himself to me but in the context of conversation eg on holiday or if he is out with his mates( selfies) . I don’t find him largely attractive so that thought never crossed my mind.

OP posts:
SinjunRivers · 02/05/2019 16:23

I think he likes you and is too shy to ask you out

Happynow001 · 02/05/2019 17:36

I'm unsure what you will do OP but this would just a little too intense for me, especially in a work environment. It may well be absolutely innocent but I'd hate it if I thought people were gossiping about me for any reason.

Original poster
Bashfulbun · 02/05/2019 17:53

I do find it a bit intense when he comments on my personal appearance or remembers things from years ago or comments on my personal preferences about thing eg food, colours, just stories that I would have told that he seems to remember every tiny detail about. Another colleague and I shared a ‘look’ recently when he commented on a dress that looked well on me a couple of years ago at a Christmas party. Yes it gets uncomfortable but he can be quirky . I think they realise it is entirely innocent

OP posts: