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Original poster

Arguing about newborns middle names

105 replies

Liveinmypjs · 01/05/2019 19:27

Need advice. I had my second child last week and myself and dh are arguing about its middle name. About 3 months before the birth dh mentioned he wanted his first name to be babies middle name if it was a boy. I said I would also like my father's first name as a second middle name. He disagrees at the time but we didn't speak about it again. My argument was as the baby obviously has his surname (our surname) and also his name as middle name, that it was nice to include a connection to my family, with my dad's name. So anyway baby is a boy and on the day of his birth when it was brought up, dh said fine to the double middle name but he didn't think it sounded great. Both names are reasonably traditional and not weird. I then told my dad who was so happy. Dh then told his mum who made some sarcastic comment as per, and after that he did he didn't want my dad's name included anymore and that I had jumped the gun s it hadn't been agreed on. We have argued so much about this and he doesn't see it as important to include a link to my family. He says it's a family tradition in his family to have the middle name of your father. But surely he should be accepting of my choices too. He wants me to tell my dad we have changed our mind but I don't want to and we have to register our ds tomorrow

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 01/05/2019 20:32

You gave birth, so you get the casting vote. His mother has had her go at naming babies when she had him. Premably she is miffed because your dd isn't named after her, but your ds will be named after your father?

Laodamia · 01/05/2019 20:32

Also IMO naming a child after yourself is the ultimate knob move (it’s really rather cringe)

Absolutely.

foreverhanging · 01/05/2019 20:37

I wouldn't budge. It's not like having two middle names will kill him!! Is he always this controlling?

Sexnotgender · 01/05/2019 20:41

Don’t budge a bloody inch!

Why should his mother get a say?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 01/05/2019 20:48

I wouldn’t back down. My children have their dad’s surname (in hindsight I wish we’d at least double barrelled it) but I chose their middle names from my family tree and happen to think that’s fair. Your husband is being a twat. So is his mum but he’s a bigger twat for not telling her to keep her nose out.

FilthyforFirth · 01/05/2019 20:52

Apologies, I didnt realise if you were married your DH could register the birth. Does he know that?!

crispysausagerolls · 01/05/2019 20:52

Also IMO naming a child after yourself is the ultimate knob move (it’s really rather cringe)

Ah come on, I think it’s a little different if it’s the middle name! Better than giving your child a silly name like Apple (unless your name is Apple and you give them that as a middle name 🤪)

BookshopSally · 01/05/2019 20:54

When I read your post I just felt overwhelmingly that you are both in some sort of bubble and just need to stop and breathe and get some perspective. Your baby is healthy, he is doing well, you are well? You are the luckiest couple in the world in that case. Seriously, there are people on here desperately trying to conceive and your arguing about what middle name to have would be a complete joy. Just don't give him a middle name at all and be done with it. Or give him a different one, and be thankful for all you have been given, both of you.

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2019 20:57

I don't think it is a knob move naming a child after oneself. It's a middle name not a something something junior. But then I do only know a male who has a child with his middle name.

Ultimately it is what you both want, but if you are married and he could register the child without you I would want to resolve this fast so that he is not tempted to do that.

RaffertyFair · 01/05/2019 21:02

Just don't give him a middle name at all and be done with it. Or give him a different one, and be thankful for all you have been given, both of you.

What unhelpful advice, given that the OP's DH is being completely intransigent in his desire to use his first name, only as a middle name...Confused

NoHolidaysforyou · 01/05/2019 21:03

You are going to be the one who is the most emotional over the baby's name as he grows older. Two years later and I still wish I held my ground but it's too late. No one else is bothered by it but me and they wouldn't be bothered by it even if I went with my choice. Hold your ground.

If you don't want to fight with your dh though (I know it is an exhausting time) you have a couple options.

Tell him you will include both names or he does one of the below:

  1. Come up with a different completely neutral name.
  2. Put both options in a hat and who wins gets to choose but your dh has to explain it to your dad.
cees · 01/05/2019 21:06

He is obviously not such a great guy if he is upsetting you over this. Stand your ground, tell him to bugger off to his moms until you have sorted the babies registration tomorrow. He is a shit man if he isn't holding your hand and being very bloody thankful of the all you have gone through to bring his son into the world. You will never forget him treating you this way at your most vulnerable time nor should you.

Doyouneedthetoilet · 01/05/2019 21:10

Did you at least get a say in your ds first name?

crispysausagerolls · 01/05/2019 21:21

But then I do only know a male who has a child with his middle name.

I am female and one of DS’ middle names is the male version of my name 😬

Bringbackthestripes · 01/05/2019 21:21

its both names or no middle names at all

^this. And if it turns out to be no middle name don’t ever tell your dad. DB has always been known as initials for his first and middle name think DJ as in Daniel James BUT he was only ever named as Daniel smith on his birth certificate not Daniel James Smith. I only found out at his wedding when he was 35 and I was sat next to DM and whispered ‘they forgot his middle name’ and she replied that it wasn’t on his birth certificate. 10 years on I still can’t fathom why- especially as DGM (for a whole new thread of reasons) referred to him by his middle name rather than his first name for the first 6 months of his life!

IHateUncleJamie · 01/05/2019 21:26

He sounds like a selfish mummy’s boy, OP. Please stand your ground on this or you will resent him for a long time.

If he brings up the taking turns business again, just say to him “Fine, assuming you carry our next child and push him or her out of your vagina, you get to choose the next one’s middle name. Until then, DS is having both middle names and there’s an end to it.”

leomama81 · 01/05/2019 21:49

Each to their own and all but as a currently pregnant woman thinking of names it has literally never occurred to me to give my child my own name as a middle name! I think about my mum/dad, people who matter to me, who I want to "honour" - I don't really get the concept of honouring myself!

Stand your ground OP, and maybe mention that you've had sarky comments about his arguably egocentric naming tradition!

Oohgossip · 01/05/2019 23:40

I feel too invested in this. Please op come back and tell us you’ve got your own way...

Or at least lie to us and say you have!!

HBStowe · 01/05/2019 23:48

He’s being an absolute arsehole. Why is he so adamant about this? Why does he want to specifically exclude the link to your family?

Absolutely stand your ground here OP, he is being beyond unreasonable.

LovelyBranches · 01/05/2019 23:50

Is your dh aware of the registration period time?

I ask because my grandfather wanted to name my df the same name as his surname (think Evan Evans, William Williams etc). My grandmother apparently hated the idea and went on her own, registered the baby with gf’s first name as the baby’s first name and then the name she loved as a middle name, before going home and telling my grandfather what she had done.

My father used his middle name as his given name throughout his entire life.

Butteredghost · 01/05/2019 23:53

Stand your ground OP. Or another option would be a totally different name.

I had a similar thing and I gave in and regret it. When I had dc we decided in advance that if it was a boy, it would have DH last name and if a girl, mine - it turned out to be a boy. But then DH wanted to make the middle name his mums maiden name. I wanted either my dads name or another non family name we both liked. He insisted and I gave in.

I regret it now as I don't like the name (not because of his mum, the name is just not to my taste). Also his mum (who he was so keen to "honour") has basically nothing to do with our son, whilst my family sees him weekly at minimum.

If I have another dc I'm registering the birth on my own and naming it what I like and I won't give a shit what DH thinks.

barberstreisand · 01/05/2019 23:54

Stand your ground, he’s being extremely unreasonable

Ihatehashtags · 02/05/2019 01:32

Mil gets zero say!! Stuff that. Stand your ground. Your DH is being a dick.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/05/2019 01:52

I am blest to be GM x7. My name has never been mentioned and I didn’t expect it to be. Both older DGDs have their ‘other’ DGM’S first names as middle names, fine by me.
Then my youngest DGD, DS’s DD, came along and was named:
‘Flower; my first name; DS’s first name; DS’s surname’.
An unusual combination which i may not have made clear, but it works and everyone likes it. Anyway I was surprised how thrilled I was that DGD had my first name as her second, unexpectedly I really felt honoured!
OP i hope your DF’s name IS included as I can guess how pleased he would feel!

Original poster
Liveinmypjs · 02/05/2019 02:22

Thanks everyone.im going to cancel the appointment tomorrow and tell him that he's showing me no respect and being totally self centered. That the least he can do after me giving birth and still hobbling about in pain, is to compromise on this name. If he won't agree I'm saying no middle names so screw his tradition.im bloody shattered too seeing as newborn is basically feeding every 2 hours right now and dh is giving it big Zs beside me while I'm still up feeding. Arghhh he can be such a class A prick.

OP posts:
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