AIBU to dislike my MIL?

[BonnyBarbara]

I've been with my partner over 5 years now and I feel I have tried very very hard with his family. I like his dad and have no issue with him, he's always friendly, always talks to me, always the same.

His mum is a totally different story. First of all she has nothing positive to say about her other DIL whom we shall call the Princess. She's been married into the family for about 8 years and is by all accounts (and what I have witnessed) very high maintenance, a proper princess. MIL has called her everything from a pig to a dog (in front of me, which makes me very uncomfortable) and yet to her face it's a different story. In fact when they are together you can only see MIL's shoes hanging out of Princess's backside as she is so far up it. Princess doesn't speak to me much anyway but when MIL and Princess are together, I am pretty much ignored. Even worse when my partner's sister is there. It makes me feel like I am back at school again being excluded. It's painful.

Now the two-facedness of my MIL wouldn't bother me much as she is a bit of a sad gossipy woman and I realise she wants to be on friendly terms with Princess for the sake of seeing her two grandchildren but there's some other things that MIL has done....

Specifically; "forgotten" my birthday two years in a row. Birthday before that "forgot" my name (I kid you not) so I received a birthday card in the post addressed to just my shortened name and minus my surname, hasn't been to my and my partner's house in 4, yes FOUR years - even though we live 50 miles closer to her than she does the Princess (who she sees regularly; I understand there's kids involved), sees my partner when he drops by after work, but I have never been invited for dinner, will pay me a compliment along the lines of "You look nice. For your size", there are loads of little examples.

Basically it's starting to affect my relationship with my other half. In the whole time we have been together there has only been two family meals that we have been invited to. I couldn't attend one due to work commitments and the other one I did - which was okay until I went to sit down next to MIL in the restaurant and she put her handbag on the seat just as I moved to sit next to her.

Now my partner says his family have never really made much of an effort in visiting him or inviting him to stuff, which I accept to a degree but I know (thanks to Facebook) that MIL used to hang out of partner's ex's bum hole too! Meals out, cinema, theatre, all tagged in together on old FB posts.

My partner knows how I feel. He did used to make excuses for his mum "Oh she didn't mean it like that" but some recent events have made him say to me "I used to think she was just thoughtless but some of the things she's done does look malicious" and I have begged him to tell me if she doesn't like me. I don't want him to not have a relationship with her, it's his mum, I have no right to demand that but I have said to him that this has upset me a lot (as I have really tried with her, used to text her, invite her out, suggest family meals etc, invited her to meet my family - all refused with cr ap excuses) and I kind of want an answer:

Does she like me? If not, what's the problem? If I can rectify it, I'll try. If not, the family can fuck off and he can see his mum and family without me, I won't be at family occasions and funerals etc anymore.

I think the not knowing where I stand or what I have done is the worst part for me. I really wish she would have a pop at me and then we can sort it or never have to make the effort with each other again.

I would absolutely stop making an effort. Don't demean yourself like this - they're clearly awful people.

Think carefully what your boundaries are, and firmly tell your husband that should MIL attempt to cross them, you will not be giving an inch, no matter what the fallout is.

So for example, my MIL likes to treat me like the help while everyone else sits and relaxes, but this is a line I won't allow her to cross. My husband knows this now, and so he insists on me and him doing whatever job it is as a team. She can't stand it and has tantrums, but because it's my boundary and I've made it clear to my husband, we just ignore her.

Take a few books on holiday and a big pair of sunglasses. Don't attempt to ingratiate yourself into whatever schemes and activities those women are doing. Read your book. Keep telling everyone what a marvelous time you're having. Do not let it be said that you're sulking, and tell your husband VERY FIRMLY that you will not be engaging on any meaningful level with these horrible people, but you will be polite. If they attempt to force you into joining in, he is expected to support you entirely in your assertion that you are reading and relaxing and will not be doing so. Make your husband understand that he needs to back you up. No debate. This is a hill worth dying on in a marriage. This is respect.

Do not, under any circumstances, ask your husband to have a little talk with you MIL, or SIL, or whoever. It shows weakness. These bitches had their chance to be nice, and they weren't. Game Over. Stop trying. Withdraw.

She sounds like one of these MIL who doesn't think any woman is good enough for her sons.

Well, no, because what seems to be annoying the OP is that the MIL seemed to like and spend time with her partner's ex, going out for meals and to the cinema and theatre, based on her social media.

So many bumholes arseholes and backsides!!!!

This is true -- OP, look at the vitriolic language you use about this woman. According to you, she doesn't just like someone, she's 'crawling up their bumhole', is so cosy with your SIL you can 'see MIL's shoes hanging out of Princess's backside', is 'up ppl's arses', used to 'hang out of [the OP's partner's] ex's bumhole'.

I think you've let yourself get way overinvolved in this, and have lost all sense of proportion, as the over the top language suggests. Yes, your MIL sounds two-faced and unpleasant, but it's possible to like someone and spend time with them without metaphorically crawling up their rear. Wouldn't it make you feel more balanced and in control if you dialled down the language and came to terms with the fact that she not a nice woman, you're never going to be close, and there are other women in the family she likes more than you -- and that's OK, if you re able to maintain a civil front at the infrequent family gatherings?

You don't like her, she doesn't like you, but you hardly ever see each other -- why are you so desperate for the approval of someone you don't like at all, if your partner is able to maintain his relationship with his parents separately?

I'd be so tempted to tell the Princess how MIL talks about her behind her back-or record her saying it!

There an old saying “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”

I’m not suggesting you become best friends with Mil, what I am saying is at least you know what your Mil is really like.
She is an arse lickin, two faced, ignorant lady.

So make sure she never has any information about you that she could twist to use for her own gain, never confide in her about anything and if possible stay away when the princess is there, you will never be as popular as her own child (and to be honest, she doesn’t sound like she likes her own daughter much anyway)

I hope you can talk this through with your husband and he can be supportive of you in front of his family. If not, I’d plump for the ‘no contact’ Route.

For the holiday - do you have a sister of your own who could come with you? Or take your Mum along. Encourage your DP to see his Dad and the others he wants to catch up on while you and your Mum/Sister/Friend hang out at a pool at your separate accommodation with a few good books and a bottle of something sparkly.

Well me and DP have had a chat and I told him how I feel and he wanted to cancel the holiday - he didn't want to go on it anyway for a couple of reasons mainly that we were initially invited on this holiday and then it was booked without checking the dates with us and it was basically fit-in-or-fuck-off, and it turns out his ex will be in the area when we are there. But I have spoken to my mum and she advised me to go because if we don't MIL will place blame on me. My mum just said similar to what you guys have said, take a book, do my own thing, keep time with his family minimal and try to spend time alone. And that eventually my lovely MIL is going to trip herself up. I'm going to be nice as pie and watch it happen.

Oh and in answer to someone's question; we don't have kids and we do want them, we are very casually ttc. So I kind of want to iron things out or have a massive Barney so we can cut her out before we are successful with ttc because I can't think of anything worse than her sticking her oar in when we are expecting.

Well, no offence to your mum, but her advice is daft. I don't get why you or your mum gives a flying fuck what your rude MiL thinks of you. It's showing poor self-confidence. You are going on a holiday that neither of you want to go on purely so she can't pin anything on you or think badly of you? (Even though she does and will continue to do regardless?) Can you not see how daft and pointless that is? You'll go, keep to yourself and her narrative will be that your DP has dragged you along reluctantly and you're being sulky and moody with your head stuck in a book. You can't win so fuck knows why you're trying.

And you don't need to have a massive barney with someone to cut them out. You seem to have plenty of reasons already, no need to add drama.

Neither you or DP want to go so why put yourselves through it?

If anything, that would be the perfect time to find out what the issue is because they'll want to know why you've cancelled then it can be brought up. Any normal person would reflect on their behaviour and try to change it. If not, there's nothing anyone can do and your DP will fully see for himself.

Either just stop interacting with them or tell your MIL how you feel. You don't need her approval and she doesn't sound like the sort of person you would want to be close with anyway. She's just a person, doesn't matter whose mum she is. You've tried and it's not worked out.

You can't be blamed as an adult for being in control of your own life op!
Mil need to shut up and fuck off imo.
And your dm just to shut up!

Look, if you go on this holiday, and fuck off and do your own thing, your MIL will blame you for being aloof and sulky etc.

Whatever you do, she will have something nasty to say about it, can't you see that?

Now, you're forcing your partner to go on this holiday that he doesn't want to go on, just because you don't want your MIL to say things about you, even though she will still say things about you.

Your partner doesn't want to go!

It's utter madness!

@Motoko completely agree.

Now you're coming across a bit OTT control-wise.

Do you want to go on the holiday? No. So don't go. Even your DH has said he wants to cancel.

Do you want a relationship with MIL? No. So don't orchestrate a falling out, just retreat.

You're an adult. Not everyone will like you and there's no need to be a martyr about it all. Stop giving such a shit about what people think about you.

If your MIL is as bad as you say then nothing you do will be good enough. Nothing you do will be right. Get on with your life!

I would say your trying too hard to get her to like you and she knows that it bothers you.

Step away from her, don’t make yourself available if she invites you somewhere make an excuse, continue to do things with your partner family and friends that don’t include her, the less you see her the more it will bother her.

And don’t look at facebook it will only grate on you.

Maybe you and your DM have a rose tinted view of family life - feel the women in the family must help smooth over any cracks. Believe me, families are individuals thrown together, not friends who choose each other. Stop trying to be a fairy godmother. Relationships around DMIL are going to be fraught. Accept that and step back. Skip the holiday, don't quiz DH about what she says or does, stay off Family Facebook. Enjoy your life with the people that really matter to you.

It's a no win situation however going on the holiday shows willing to DP and the family. And also means if it's not pleasant, there is ample justification for telling the family to fook right off in future.

It's a no win situation however going on the holiday shows willing to DP and the family.

But the partner doesn't want to go! Op's forcing him to, because she's worried about what the MIL will say about her if she doesn't go.

But how is it going to look to the MIL? Unless the DP is totally honest and even then she can deny the snide comments, continue to claim to forget the birthdays, this is what manipulative people do.

And if DP can accept his mum is a cow, he still might not want to fall out with her. Until she does something so overt that she can't deny.

Why should OP give a shiny shit how it looks to MIL?

They don't like each other. Time everyone grew up and accepted it.

OPs DH doesn't want to go either.

You are giving out such mixed messages, OP, to yourself and to her.

I don’t know what possessed you to agree to this holiday but as you have:
Book separate accommodation, as you say you have / will
Make your own plans, do your own thing, ditto
Apart from a few isolated get togethers
At which don’t even try to people please. Chat to FIL, BIL, the kids, your DH and only to MIL’s coven if they talk nicely to you.
Get on with what YOU do, make no concessions to them.

And if you haven’t yet booked this holiday, DON’T.

Who cares if MIL thinks it is down to you? What has she did to make the holiday attractive to you? Nothing.

People pleasers end up pleading no one so don’t make yourself miserable trying.